downton recap. season 3, episode 1. unedited and uncircumcised.


 this recap has been written based on the way that is was shown in the UK.

which is to say 1 hour episodes, not 2 hour episodes.


i am working on part 2 as we speak..

i didn't even think about the premiere being jammed into 2 episodes.

americans are so greedy (said like the dowager).


in any case..

here is the recap to PART ONE (thanks pbs) of downton abbey (said like laura linney, only "thanks pbs" is totally said like me when i'm annoyed).


 it's spring 1920 at our favorite house and daisy is riding a bike.



the whole village is at mary and matthew's wedding rehearsal.

everyone's discussing whether or not sybil is coming to the wedding.

sybil isn't coming bc she's no longer a crawley, she's a branson and a branson is poor.

lord G won't pay for the visit because fuck that branson fellow.



 downstairs everyone is talking about jailbates while eatin' some treacle. 

essentially it's still thomas vs. bates.






meanwhile cousin isobel tries to convince the dowager and cora that everyone is just being a judgemental asshole regarding branson and sybil coming back to downton.  "no one would even notice or care".

 the dowager agrees, she thinks it's a good idea for branson and sybil to be at the wedding,

he just needs to be watched so that he doesn't act like an irish mob leader..




back at downton o'brien reveals her new bangs.

there is a decidedly less mattress spring to forehead ratio.

there is talk of alfred "ted" nugent.

o'brien's nephew and man in the running towards becoming downton's next top footman.



later o'brien is seen fingering lady cora's hair.

finger waving?


finger braiding?

i'll stick with fingering.

she asks cora if her nephew could be the new footman.

that o'brien is a sneaky opportunist.


 lord G comes in and he seems distracted, stressed.

cora uses this to her advantage asking him if it's ok to buy a new footman.

he agrees.

must remember this technique.



over at the jail...


 anna is talking to bates, trying to clear his name like it's her job...

anna- take this letter and decipher it with all that extra time you have these days. ok?

now...what news have you got for ME?


bates- umm...a new cell mate who's a total dick?


anna- just do what mother says...never make an enemy by let me finish my job here as yorkshire's finest P.I..  and don't forget that letter...find us some blue's clues you lazy ass.





alfred, the giant footman shows up.

he's a ginger too. 

double fucked.



carson is not impressed.



across town.. 

lord G visits the monopoly guy.




 monopoly informs him that his bright idea of investing all of cora's money in canadian RR was a bad idea.

apparently canadians didn't ride trains in the 1920's.  



which totally doesn't make sense bc canada is, like, fucking huge.





everyone is decorating the village with etsy crafts for the wedding of the lamest couple in the land.


speaking of lame couples... 

edith and jeff daniels are talking in a car about nothing.



while downstairs everyone wants more money or a better position.

and as we all now know...

that ain't happening bc there is no money.



family dinner #4,000..

everyone is talking about the arrival of cora's mother.

no one is more excited than the dowager.


and the ginger giant is helping with dinner.. 

the dowager is visibly sickened..





talk turns to living a simpler life..minus servants..

the dowager thinks that idea is hilarious..






matthew and mary talk about having sex with each other...

it's gross.



sybil and branson tom mr. branson her husband arrive...

background tension.



and inside a blue shirt inside a blue skirt inside a blue room..

matthew is talking to cousin isobel about how lavinia left a big ass fortune to 3 possible heirs.

matthew being one of them.

the first guy died of the spanish flu.

 the 2nd guy is in india somewhere drinking tea and so the last guy on the list is matthew.



i think we all know where this is going...


wait...where is this going?




family dinner #4,001..


everyone is all up in tom's olive green everything.



when will these aristocrats learn that you can't judge a book by its irish leisure suit?





daisy is on strike and giving us full nell in this picture.


OH! and the gray's are coming.

wait...who are the gray's???



 upstairs LG tells cora he lost her fortune..


cora's cool about it because she's an american.

have gun will murder travel.



tom wants to stay in a bar in the village bc dinner at downton is the worst.


matthew tells tom he's got his back..

matthew and tom hi 5 each other over being brothers.



meanwhile scene 2 of the bates murder mystery spin off show..

or as i like to call it scene 2 too many.


a little later..


 anna is fingering edith's hair and making her all pretty for a certain jeff daniels????



downstairs obrien's bangs are the plot is thickening..

o'brien wants thomas to help alfred get ahead of the footman game and thomas is like..


why would i do that?  i'm an asshole, remember?

and just like that the dream team is destroyed.



upstairs the grays are here and there is a party for them.



the young gray...larry? picking on tom..


and we learn that along with irish leisure suits there are manners packed in tom's suitcase.

or something.

also larry gray's and lady mary's eyebrows went to the same acting school.



LG tempts the dowager with some fancy drink..


she's like..






sir antony daniels is complimenting edith's fingerwaves when he notices larry plopping some pill in tom's drink.


at dinner tom is more irish than usual. that is to say more drunk.


grrrr....i'm so angry and embarrassing!!!



after a few uncomfortable outbursts it's sir antony to the rescue. 

he spills the potatoes (irish) about the acid in tom's drink making him appear more drunk (crazy? angry?).



 what happens next is too awesome (cheesy) for words..

matthew stands up and asks the totally crazy drunk tom to be his best man...


all the girls swoon accordingly...



that'll show eyebrow guy.



 LG and cora talk over a nightcap about telling mary of downton's certain financial ruin.

seriously...did anyone else think cora took this a bit too lightly?

i would have been a little more...umm....concerned?




bates and his cell mate have words.



the dowager and isobel are having some tea with the fireplace of my dreams and tom shows up.

they tell him he must wear a proper morning coat.


he's thanks, i'm fine with my tweed leisurewear.

they're wear morning coat.




here comes trouble.

aka martha levinson.

cora's mother.

shirley maclaine.

me in 20 years...



there's a kicky tune in the background as she arrives and tells sybil her wedding plans suck, edith her face sucks, and mary her wedding's gonna suck...



once inside they all cram together on 2 sofas and drink tea...

martha takes her big american dick out and pees on matthew's face.

why should he inherit all her money?


matthew checks his watch and is like..oops..that time already?


he and mary walk out and he tells her that a letter came regarding lavinia's death from the flusads..


he is one dead body closer to being heir to lavinia's hefty fortune. 


but OF COURSE he doesn't want it.

mary's you DO want it. 


and she slaps the paper out of his hand...

bc this show is kind of boring if marys not mad at matthew or matthew's legs aren't broken. 



the dowager runs into martha in the hall...

dowager:  americans are brash assholes with no respect for tradition.

martha: the english are stuck up and pretentious.


the scene we were all waiting for was a bit of a letdown if i'm honest.

the best we get from the dowager is this:







family dinner 4,002..

it is revealed that the dowager is the one that paid for sybil and branson to come to downton.

martha tells the dowager that she may have underestimated her.


the dowager simply says she's a woman of many powers, as she slurps her soup...


 i was hoping for a bit more so i changed it ever so slightly..




mary is upset and leaves.

(who wouldn't?  old people eating soup is gross.  ok everyone eating soup is gross.)



tom and matthew are having cocktails and talking about shit like bros...

tom tells matthew that he would have a life of sads if mary wasn't in it.


upstairs anna is un-fingering mary's hair while she tells her that men like matthew only come around once so she ought to hold on to him...

worst advice ever bc matthew has a vagina.



but whatever..


 matthew visits mary's room to hug it out.

she's not having first...

but then matthew tells her what tom said and she agrees to forgive him and marry him despite her better judgement.


he wants to kiss her...


but mary says it's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding....


and so they agree to kiss with eyes closed.

but not before mary's eyebrows PHYSICALLY REMOVE THEMSELVES FROM HER FACE and reach around the door to punch matthew in the dick (vagina).

seriously those things have a mind of their own.


"i swear i am not pretending this is pamuk"





more hair fingering and sex talk between the crawley women and anna.

cora basically tells mary with her eyes that there is a difference between getting almost-raped by a turkish diplomat who dies on you and sex with someone you love.



downstairs carson and LG wait for mary to walk down the stairs...


she appears and says..


will i do....carson?


it's the sweetest thing ever.


carson tries to choke back tears...


and i nearly gag on my own tears.




blah blah they get married...



 the end.


my thoughts..


shirley maclaine killed it.

she was a breath of fresh air.

 i expected nothing less.


so downton lost all it's money which could mean a few things here..

they have to sell

they have to get the money from big martha 

matthew inherits lavinia's fortune

or...they have to open a pretzel shop.


time will tell. 

but i do love a good pretzel.


edith is coming on strong to sir antony,

who looks like he doesn't know where he is half the time.

 i smell a (cheap) wedding in their future.

i mean they used up all the bunting in the land for mary's wedding.

what's left to decorate with but thomas's old cigarette butts?


and if i have to sit through one more anna and bates dark prison table scene.. 

i'm gonna punch my boobs all night long.  



 spill it!!



was it as good as you'd hoped?

nothing really ever is, is it?



***so these thoughts were written in regards to part one..

we all know the answers to these questions now... just humor me and pretend pbs did not totally fucking ruin my recap. 

i am out the door this morning on my way to stab pbs to death.



grab your red negligee and your cabinet full of canes it's time for your ahs recap!


first things first...


as if for one second i believe that a girl that hot would EVER want to do it in the 'death chute'.  unless she is referring to her poop chute.  because i totally call my pooper the death chute. 

and hot girls are notorious for wanting to do it in their butts.

just ask my husband.  he seems to think all hot girls like it in the butt.

but that is not why i call my pooper the death chute.

i certainly do NOT like it in the butt, mine is named the death chute bc of what comes out of it.  obv.


and adam levine?  really?

until i saw him 'moisten the area' last night i was all...adam levine is a doucher with a whiny voice.

but now...i would totally let him moisten my area.

my area 51.

speaking of..

holy shit!


i did NOT see that coming.


ok ok...

let's back up.


briarcliff manor present day...


adam levine is all.."she wiiiill be loooooved on this table".

meganfox/jennadewan (same person) is all "you can do it in my butt in the death chute (effectively death chute²) just as soon as you investigate that noise".

p.s. i used to live in an apartment building called briarcliff and it was built in 1900 and i am pretty sure i had tuberculosis for a minute when i lived there.  and i am certain it is where i first became a little bit insane.

and it was definitely the place i discovered i did NOT like it in my death chute.


all facts.  


anyway..blah blah blah adam levine gets his arm ripped off by something resembling a hand..


cut to 

a gas station in 1964.

tate season 1 is pumping gas that is 30 cents a gallon which was highway robbery apparently in 1964.

i am certain this is true bc as of this moment i cannot seem to locate a cents sign on my computer.

1964=stone age.


some asshole is obviously disgruntled by the obscene gas prices and throws his 3$ worth of gas on the ground.

after tate season 1..ok...KIT.  his name is kit but that name is so 1964-contrived i want to vomit comet in everyone's face.

anyway..after kit picks it up and dances away bc he is so blissfully happy with life that he doesn't give a shit that some asshole threw his money on the ground, the lights go out and i am we go!!!

scary scary scary time!!


but then billy someone shows up and is all....hah ha!!  i got you!


the only thing scary about this scene is the fact that billy looks exactly like giovanni ribisi only he is not giovanni ribisi and that is scary bc he looks JUST FUCKING LIKE GIOVANNI RIBISI!!


seriously raise your hand if you were thinking that was giovanni ribisi in a giovanni ribisi mask.


anyway...bc it's 1964 there is bound to be some racial tension bc that is indeed a scary human reality that we are still living today and nothing pleases ryan murphy more than drawing parallels between present day horrors and olden time horrors.


so billy charms us all with his use of the 'n word' and we see kit flinch a little.

he then goes on to talk about kit's maid.

how can a gas station attendant afford a maid?


i'm so confused.

wait...there's more innuendo!!

there just so happens to be a piece of chocolate right next to billy and he takes a bite...looks at kit and says..


what does it mean?!


 the real horror so far is the fact that that chocolate is totally baking chocolate and baking chocolate is bullshit.


next up we see kit coming home and his "maid" aka new black wife, alma, waiting with a smile on her face.


only she is soooo not baking chocolate.  she isn't even milk chocolate!!  she is maaybe chocolate mousse if i squint.  


they kiss, they talk about their marriage being legal and they haven't done anything wrong and they should go public with their love etc...


1960's interracial marriage=present day gay marriage.

ryan murphy is trying to school some people.

i don't need so much convincing on the topic.

but hey, here's to hoping the idiots who actually believe that gay/interracial marriage is wrong are bright enough to see it too. 


anyway kit and alma proceed to do it.

after alma gets up to make her husband some dinner the light of a thousand suns comes beaming through every possible opening in the house...OBVIOUSLY this is billy ribisi.

only it's totally stick creatures with the power to suck everything up and out.

also they have probes. 'death chute' probes. 

alma screams "help me" and is gone.

kit gets his clothes ripped off and his death chute poked only not in a good way.


next we are introduced to craigslist psychic season 1 aka lana, a sassy, nosy, lesbian reporter clearly inspired by velma from scooby doo-

who is coming to taste some baked goods or something.


she is met by baby killing, pepper.


i would like to say i was freaked out by pepper's appearance but i know a pair of bubba teeth when i see them.

nice try ryan murphy.

that is actually jennifer lopez under there.


next we see sister jude (once again, brilliantly played by jessica lange) giving chloe sevigny a skrillex cut for being a slut.  


jessica lange has a way of playing a completely insane evil person that deep down you feel sorry for. 

there is always such a vulnerability with her performances.


oops!  in walks blubbering blundering sister eunice with lana banana.

if this weren't a modern day horror show set in the 60's i'd think this was an 80's sitcom set in the 60's.


although, i get the sense that at some point she is going to have the last laugh.

until scooby takes the mask off and we see that it's actually not sister eunice at all!!

it's violet!!

"and i'd have gotten away with it too if it weren't for these meddling insane people!"


jude tells eunice to knock next time, sheesh!!

and eunice profoundly apologetic (too apologetic if you ask me- side eye to you eunice)exits only to RE-enter again...without knocking.  (cue laugh track)

seriously can someone re-cut this entire episdoe as a comedy?


anyway...this time eunice has some news!

apparently right now, downstairs they are bringing in the scary murderer who killed all those people and stole their faces off their heads or something.

lana banana perks right up and is all...ooooh, is that bloody face? can i talk to him?  i'd really like to ask him some questions.  

 the idea that lana is not actually there to eat jessica lange's pie is almost too much for her to take.

one gets the sense that jessica is conflicted by impure thoughts of fame and fortune and sex and stuff a lot. 



cut to kit being brought in as the scary bad man. kit is bloody face?

oh...we don't really know WHO bloody face is?


time will tell.

i think it's kit though.



anyway....good news! 


kit's butt.


thank you ryan murphy.

kit picked up where dylan mcdermott left off.


many women and gays thank you.


ok..blah blah kit gets a shower of flour and water.

someone's making dough?


then he goes to sleep courtesy of a big fat needle,

wakes up and gets his ass caned by sister jude.


after he wakes up from that mess he wanders around the looney common room where he meets grace, some wide eyed french girl who looks crazy in that girl interrupted angelina jolie way..which is to say not at all.

grace is to be his mentor at briarcliff.  

saying.."stick with me kid....i'll make sure you get food and cigs."

actually, no.  she doesn't say that.


and then BAM kit gets clocked in the face by kelly rippa's husband.


random times a million.

kit is sent to solitary confinement because, duh!


upstairs in sister jude's room eunice is crying bc someone named willie is gone.

jude senses someone is up to no good...

and she barges in on dr. arden who likes plants and murdering people.

he is a scientist!!!

which means everything he does from this moment on will be backed up by the institution of science!!

dr. science is obviously killing patients and feeding the aliens out back with thier bloody, ground up remains.

totally science.

totally normal.


later we meet lana banana's girlfriend, wendy, who smokes pot and teaches school and is a lesbian!!

they seem to be a great couple. in a healthy relationship.  

supportive of one another and in love. 

but they're lesbians!!! 

not possible.


lana tells wendy that she has big plans to sneak into briarcliff to get an interview with bloody face.

it will put her on the map as a journalist.  

and wendy is totally supportive of this crazy idea bc there is no way that anything terrible will happen.



cut to sister jude'lia child whipping up a fancy coq au vin and perfuming her boobies while wearing a red slip.

for a second i thought this was some kind of daydream shit but then realized no...totally real.

and totally awesome.


so who is this magical dinner and scented boobie spectacle for?

not dr. science.



OH!!  joseph fiennes!

i totally get it.

i would be slutting it up under my habit too if the head priest looked like joseph fiennes.

 father o'hara is going on and on about becomming a cardinal in NY and making jude his mother superior.

blah blah blah..

jude is hearing none of it, instead she is fantazising about sitting on his fat, irish weiner.

who wouldn't be jude?  who wouldn't be?


meanwhile sister eunice is carrying some buckets filled with bloody stumps and eyeballs through the woods to feed the aliens.

lana banana is out there smoking a cigarette. what?  weird.

lana is like...wait a second!  what's out there? i hear growling. are those stumps and eyeballs in those buckets?

yeah, duh.  that's your cue stupid. 


meanwhile kit is eating sans hands in his cell and dr. science comes in to shoot up his neck with some sleepy time drugs.


this scene and the following scenes are interspersed with adam levine and megan dewan dealing with adam's unfortunate arm situation.

jenna fox is running down the death chute (that's what he said) looking for a way out and running into meat face.  bloody face.  whatever.


eunice and lana are also walking down the death chute.

lana is asking too many questions. 

eunice is a tad overwhelmed.

kelly ripa's husband flings dookie in her face which is obviously too much for eunice to handle so she leaves lana in the chute to fend for herself.

lana hears jude clippity clopping in her nun clogs down the hall and she pops into an empty cell.

after the coast is clear lana emerges to investigate the same door that ripped adam levine's arm off.


meanwhile dr. science is probing around kit's face and neck area and removes a motherfucking space spider.

the fuck?



back in jude's room..


eunice is blubbering about being stupid and she demands to be spanked.

only instead of jude's obviously small usual cane eunice takes it upon herself to get the biggest cane in the giant cane armoire.

i think she likes it.

this freaks jude out a little bit and she tells her to leave.




lana wakes up strapped to a bed wondering what happenend...


she tells jude that they can't keep her there, people will come looking for her.


at this point we cut to jude visiting lana's girlfriend... 



essentially it breaks down like this:

jude: lana has had a bad accident and needs to stay with us for a really long time, don't even try to step in and save her you heathen.

wendy: but wait. i am her...umm...friend.. i have rights.

jude: um no.  you don't.  you are a homo and a school teacher and i can ruin you forever.

wendy: you suck dicks lady!  

jude: i wish.





jude confronts lana with the news of wendy's consent to have her committed and proceeds to tell lana that together the two of them are going to pray the gay away.


cut to dr. science scrubbing away the funk in metal arm eating door room.

dr. science: (scrub scrub) oh hey nothing to see here.

jude: you're up to something you evolution loving jesus hater. 


at this point jenna megan has run into bloody face who is about to eat her face..




i thought it was good, very good even. 

great acting, of course.

certainly engaging and creepy.

but scary?


not even close.

i might have jumped when that creepy spiderchip scurried away, but that's bc i fucking hate spiders.

everything else was, meh.


fave bits:

jennifer lopez as pepper the baby killer.

jude's fantasy with father hotness.

the total fucking random casting of kelly ripa's husband as a gold toothed, shit slinging crazy.

lesbian characters front and center.


your thoughts??



sorry this took so long btw...i was at an audition for TWO HOURS today!

and it was an hour away in traffic.  uphill both ways.




downton recap: episode 3- the case of the missing matthew




this week started me off in my happy place.

watching cousin isobel (can we all rejoice in how much that name sounds like a long lost 'facts of life' character?)

squirm in a self righteous slow burn is positively gleeful. 



cora is changing shit.

namely schedules.



cousin isobel is clearly hurt by the fact that no one seems to care whether she's there or not.

perhaps if you weren't such condescending slut, ISOBEL.


speaking of sluts...


ethel is walking on very dangerous slutty ground.



the dowager countess and mary are walking and talking.

and then sitting and talking.

the countess is still gunning for matthew as mary's husband.

mary just wants everyone to shut the fuck up about matthew,

and to start considering once and for all sir richard car-LYLE for president of mary's cold, steeley cooter.

the DC quickly changes the subject to that of sybil and how could someone so pretty be so single?

can we all just finally come to grips with the fact that sybil is gay? (for me)



back inside downton...


isobel is downstairs threatening mrs. hughes with the eyes of a woman on the verge of post-menopausal murder.

but rather than waste her good murdery eyes on lowly mrs. hughes she marches upstairs and straight into her ladyship's bedroom..


cora just simply has no time for this..


oh you done did it now cora..













outside 2 almost lovers in uniforms are about to be cockblocked by mary... 



because nothing clears away the war sads faster than an impromptu concert and magic show...

edith and mary practice for their big number.



isobel runs away from home leaving mrs. bird and mr. molesley to their own devices.


 which is pretty much nothing.


mrs. bird decides that pickling eggs would be fun..


a war vet hobbles in looking for some food and a soup kitchen is born..

so that boredom can die. 

circle of life.


over at downton..

molesley is in the running for england's next top valet.



and daisy spills the beans about mr. bates working in the local pub...



that william is missing and therefore..


matthew must be missing too!!

"this news would have been better recieved in my uniform".



at dinner the DC is poking around for signs of lesbianism..


"i didn't say anything!"




molesley is still in the running toward becoming england's next top valet.



o'brien tattles on the soup crew.


mrs. hughes hears a noise that sounds like fucking.




that mrs. hughes was right.


 ethel is fired.




the bromance blossoms.




 yay!!!!  bates is back.



 sorry molesley you are not england's next top valet.


and neither is your shoe horn.  stick.  back scratcher.


 bates and anna hoping for the best.



edith tells mary that matthew is missing saying that she thought she should know.


*we have a rule in this house...and it's primarily the reason i NEVER watch the news..

and that is you never ever ever tell me anything horrible right before bed.

i will chop your head off.  

for real.


mary cries and stabs edith.

and then she and anna drag the body across the house.



next day..

 the soup crew: BUSTED!


only ha ha jokes on you o'brien..

lady grantham says you're on the bread line.

that's just one notch up from the spoon line.




it's concert time..

time for some dumb ass magic..

"watch me hide my penis inside ethel.." 



ladies and gentlemen..

the moment we've all been wating for..




" blah blah...laaa laa...sing're the only girl...blah blahh"


but then suddenly as only true love knows...

"really? what is it you smell?  is it my trench balls?

or is it my fear of being turned down by you one more time?"



"but seriously folks..

don't stop singing this gay song on my behalf.


"lllaaaa la la la blah blah you're the only one foree meeeeeee"


after the scene that gave my dad a grand mal seizure and choke on his own tongue..


just some old fashioned after concert mingling..



 "sweet lavinia"



mrs. hughes is called away from the party to address a problem..


a pregnant ethel.. 


the next earl of grantham?

why else would they write this bullshit?


while you marinate on that for a spell..


please vote for your favorite dowager countess quip..













branson farts,