another time suck i don't need.

i am of course referring to instagram.

new target clutch.

straw and gold sequins.

i think so, yes.

inside of clutch.

pretty, right?

target is killing it these days.

neon mesh acid rock muscle shirt.

ridiculous.

black nails.

i am the worst.

closet organization.

kill me now.

target coming correct again.

beginning stages.

that's all.

have a glorious holiday weekend.

but i think it means i get slutty over a good mantelscape.

or it means i love to scape a mantel.

but the word scape is the dumbest so let's not ever use it again.

if you're like me you like to sca change the decor and perspective of surfaces in your home all the time.

ok maybe scape is a useful word afterall.

mantels are my favorite things to scape.

here are a few of my very favorite mantels:

 a good scape is like art.

a good scape needs balance and composition.

i love shells and coral!

i love them so hard.

i think they are beautiful and i don't care if i don't live by the ocean.

my bedroom mantel is teeming with coral and shells and coralshells.

i also love propped art. 

it says...look at me..i don't give a fuck about your art hanging rules.

i prop my art bitch!

and i am considering something meaningful in a lucite box.

because that's pretty cool too.

other notable surfaces for artistic scaping..

chests.

bedside tables.

entry tables.

 bars.

and..

the nook.

i want to thank you for coming out and admitting you are all lunatics.

i knew you would all have my back.

i have ordered endorphinate and i can't wait to try it.

i will keep you posted.

i feel better every day about moving forward.

and thankfully i have a husband who keeps me laughing:

images via pinterest

i chose this video because of the title.

not because of the type of crazy the woman (still not convinced on that bit) in the video exudes...

but because on sunday, may 19th, i WAS a crazy lady on an airplane...

watch:

let's discuss the varying levels of crazy there are in the world.

well, there is this level of crazy..

which is usually drug and/or alcohol induced or she (he?) is just simply missing several crucial brain parts and/or is her own cousin.

as in she is the product of a brother/sister relationship.

therefore she is her own cousin and sibling rolled into one beautiful, crazy, toothless, oversized t-shirt wearing nutjob.

and there is MY kind of crazy.

seemingly normal, funny, loving and attentive mother, functions well in society, wears clothes that fit, doesn't talk to herself in public...etc..

but she secretly or not so secretly has an anxiety disorder.

which is it's own kind of scary.

although it's a silent scary.

as in no one knows it's happening to you until you jump up from your airplane seat and run down the aisle and tell the flight attendants (all SIX of them) that you need to get the fuck off of this airplane.

and then they tell you that they need to call a red coat (that's an official crazy person transporter) to come and unlock the door and escort you off the plane.

and the thought of this is mind blowingly-embarrassing, but more embarrassing would be to turn around and face all those strange faces glaring at you with death ray stares and walk past them to sit back down in your seat.  so you choose to hold the red coat's hand and cry in the hopes that everyone will feel sorry for you, or at least treat you with kid gloves.

and then when you are escorted off and the red coat looks at you, not with eyes of pity and understanding, but with eyes of disgust and annoyance it is all you can do to not run back down the jet bridge and jump in front of the airplane.

because the truth is her eyes are just a reflection of your own eyes.

a reflection of my own disgust and disappointment.

so what happened?

i'm not sure.

let me back up..

i left for the airport sunday morning for my trip to new york and blogfest..

no more nervous than any normal person would feel about flying and/or travelling..

just the usual stresses,

ya know?

i got to the airport, i grabbed a water and took some vitamins and i waited until it was time to board.

i sat down in my seat..

i texted a few people..."woo hoooo here i come" kind of stuff.

it started to get really hot.

i even texted tobe and asked her why are planes so hot?

i was feeling uneasy but again, not anymore uneasy than i usually feel about flying.

as in i'm not scared of flying but i get a little nervous just before take off and landing.

that's normal, right?

but then...as everyone was settling into their seats i looked down the L O O O O O O O O O N G aisle in front of me and i saw the flight attendants locking shit down..

 my brain started shouting...

"ABORT!! ABORT!!! ABORT MISSION!!! ABORT MISSION NOW!!!"

i was squirming in my seat..i was sort of stand sitting..contemplating getting off the airplane or staying on the airplane or what?!!  i was freaking out.. up down up down...oh shit what do i do?

they are going to shut that door and then i am trapped on this plane and that's it..

that's it!!!  

and that's when i ran off and gave in to the demon in my head.

 so why?

again, i'm not sure...

i suspect lots of things.

for one, i HATE leaving fiona..but i usually get over that relatively quickly.

i have been a panic attack sufferer for 13 years but i usually am able to quell them with mantras and xanax.

and travelling alone to a city i have never been to before...new york city at that..was causing a good bit of anxiety.

but...it was more than that..

i think in many ways i was nervous about meeting a lot of bloggers and people who read my blog (newell!!!) and the possibility that they would think i wasn't nearly as cool in person as i seem on my blog (let's face it i seem pretty cool here).

and i think that once those airplane doors closed all of these thoughts (and more that i haven't realized yet) came rushing to me in one instant and i freaked out.

so...

no, i didn't make it to blogfest.

and i am pretty gutted about it.

i have had weeeeird dreams every night since sunday.

including a sex dream about newell.

sorry newell...i know you don't swing with the ladies but you did in my dream.

i think it was pity sex. (thank you)

and i woke up monday morning with a benign sickness..sore throat, puffy eyes and general exhaustion.

i feel like dick.

anyway..

i didn't want to ignore this on the blog and just start posting about the usual while some of you would be like...

soo...tell us about blogfest you dipshit!!

and i didn't want to lie and say that i missed my flight bc of weather or some such nonsense.

i intend to explore this and figure out what went wrong and try to get some help.

i feel like if i had to do it all over again the exact same thing would happen...and that's not ok with me.

i am not going to run away from this.

i am going to fix it.

somehow.

i'll keep you posted.

so let's go back to that crazy lady up there.

in a way, i envy her type of crazy.

i mean she is clearly having some kind of issue with something.

but she is getting through it.

in her own crazy way.

watch her..she tries to calm herself down at one point. 

perhaps if i just went with my fear instead of trying to fight it and run away from it.

i might have looked like this kind of crazy...but at least i'd be in new york.

and P.S.

to those two douchebags recording her..

FUCK YOU!

to the lady- nice fucking 80's mall head.

to the dude: nice fucking neck medallions.

judgement is for assholes.

thanks for listening.

so spill it.

who else is crazy?

for the rest of you...

see you soooooon!!!

 "preservation" 18 x 18 SOLD

acrylic, oil stick and gouache

$200

close up of "preservation".

close up of "preservation".

"by train" 12 x 16 SOLD

acrylic, oil stick and gouache

$100

close up of "by train".  SOLD

"the monsters" 12 x 16  SOLD

acrylic, oil stick and gold leaf

$100

SOLD 

"cool pops" 30 x 40 

SOLD

acrylic, oil stick and gouache

$525

close up of "cool pops"

close up of "cool pops".

it is first come first serve.

so, email me if you're interested in any of these delicious paintings.

once they are sold i will come back here and mark them as such.

thanks hookers!

skin secrets!

actually not so secret as i grabbed it off of pinterest.

so if you follow me you already pinned it and perhaps you tried it.

but if not...that's ok.

because i have been doing it once a week for 2 weeks (ok, twice) and i think my skin's texture and tone have improved.

so as your guinnea pig for life..

i highly recommend this treatment..

take 3 tablespoons of baking soda and mix it with 1-ish tablespoons of water (you want paste).

spread it on your fiznace and massage for a minute.

splash your fiznace with water and massage more.

at this time you will feel like microdermabrasion-esque "beads" are sloughing away all the wine and chocolate you consumed last night.

i think you can safely do this 3 times a week.

depending on your skin.

mine is oily and sensitive.

#2

my butt.

i work out all the time.

but before you get all FUCK YOU! on me...

know that my workouts rarely include cardio and/or anything too strenuous.

i do tracy anderson 2x's a week and the rest of the time i do yoga (the yoga i do is basically like sleeping) and pilates.

and some days i watch real housewives instead.

so when a reader and i were discussing things she mentioned that she was a personal trainer and used to have a flat butt but now it's a bubble donkey.

many of you know my quest for a bubble donkey runs deep.

my butt is small.

so small you can barely see it.

i need to donkify it.

i don't want a phaedra donkey.

i want this donkey:

so she said she would send me her secret to a donkey so long as i posted about it.

so i said, deal!

this is apparently how i will acheive the donkey.

i am going to start this program in june and all of you lucky bastards will get to watch as my pancake becomes a bundt cake.

#3

#3 best design blogging mom of all time!

that's me!

huge side eye to yes spaces for all those votes.

i guess there is no stopping the craft movement.

third place is still awesome.

so thank you for voting for me.

#4

lavender velvet desk chair:

for my office/bedroom.

#5

fiona's room.

it is pretty much done.

except her bench/stool still needs reupholstering, but the hot pink faux ostrich (so good)

is here and i will get her done once i return from new york.

i am waiting on her (cream linen with lavender ball fringe) curtains but her existing roman shades are good enough for now.

and i'm STILL on the hunt for a duvet that works with her headboard fabric.

there aren't many out there that i can afford.

i have sent 2 back bc they clashed horrendously.

so anyway it is almost there!! 

 i thought i would AT LEAST give you a crappy dark photo of her glossy olive green ginormous desk!

it's all so much better in good light and non-suckass photography.

when i return next week i aim to deliver the goods regarding this room.

and now...

#6

 your day (maybe even your life) is complete!

as a parent, nothing will make you as proud when..

1. your kid uses good manners in all situations (we have not achieved this as parents).

2.  you kid proves they are smarter than almost everyone, including you (this we got covered).

the other day fiona was accpeted into the TAG program at her school (Talented and Gifted i.e. "nerd").

this is a great thing to be a part of.

for one it goes with her everywhere, through all the days of her school life.

and it will also give her an edge over the other kid when it's time to go to college.

in addition to entrance into nerd kingdom 

her teacher sent us this email this morning:

"you can be the fairy who glitters all the strawberries"

smiling can suck it.

those windows, wall color, color palette, furnitu

everything.

same room.

not in love with the coffee tables but they work in the space.

i am in love with the purple painted bookcases.

QUIT IT, ROOM!

that tile needs to quit it.

that rug needs to quit it.

those walls need to quit it.

diane kruger's hair needs to quit it.

no words.

Q.I.

hello kitty ancestral portraits?

yes. quit.

chair sex.

stop.

also fireplace...you stop too.

cease and desist, arch.

those are orders.

getting hair cut today.

probably like diane kruger's.

this week is super crazy.

last week of school for fiona.

scrambling to get shit done before she is home all day every day.

leaving for new york on sunday (yay).

deciding on outfits.

eating too many mother's day chocolates as evidenced by my new face friend (not friend at all).

painting and shipping.

jersey housewives.

some gentle yoga.

asleep by 10.

don't leave me.