million dollar buttholes

it's hot as fuck.

summer is my sad season.

everyone else is frolicking on beaches and enjoying cool drinks in moderately hot climes (that word is dumb- never ever use it) by the pool.  

i am stuck inside bc the air outside is like poison fire in my lungs and i have been warned by news persons 

that should i go outside i might die.

for real.

summer is a dick.

but i had to spend a good portion of the day in the car with broken windows.

so i had to inhale heat fire mixed with car pollution.


i think i am dead.



this post is late for all of those reasons and more.


once again this show focused on the boring shit and not enough on the interesting shit..

like mary and nathan eating BBQ...

or k ire getting drunk and passing out by the pool.

and what we didn't see...

which was kathryn eating a pool boy, godzilla style, with her mouth. (and vagina)



on to the recap.


get ready to be bored mostly.. 



first up glowy and kathryn discuss shopping for lights and stuff..

this scene managed to make me want mcdonalds .



nathan makes a frankenstein couch..



 and he can't have no frankenstein couch at high point.



r u asleep yet?



meanwhile mary works in a CIA bunker..


 she and larry are trying to give her neew lamps some dumb names..

they are trying to find the french word for spider.

cuz her lamp looks like a spider.


what's french for botox?


 la chirurgie plastique 


aka scarelarious.



meanwhile martyn is decorating a palm springs hotel room..



nathan and mary go to highpoint and stay in a gross hotel together..

hotels are gross in general btw.

even the nice ones.

wait...this one was nice wasn't it?

or was it?

i don't know..i usually stay at the hampton inn.

(p.s. they didn't stay here)




back in california we have to endure JAM and ross shopping for eleventy billion dollar coffee tables and suzanne tucker and mexican eye dances and thumb wars and purple crayon shavings and tiny jesus farts..



oh..sorry...i must have fallen asleep.

i was having the WEEEIRDEST dreams.


let's just say that this sums these 2 up for me perfectly...

who's got a scythe?


so then suzanne tucker lets these knuckleheads have a janice dickinson table with feet.



it's a janice dickinson table.


but it's too small for a coffee table.


 fiona prolly coulda told em that..



back at high point..



newell let me take this opportunity to publicly tell you that this month's house beautiful was on fire!

i have opened it on the pooper above all the other 78 shelter mags present in my poopmaking room every single time since it's arrival in my house last week.


newell gives the thumbs up to nathan's suzani ottoman.


and then there is a bloomingdales circle jerk..


over this couch:

which was totally not the best couch.




 back in palm springs..

martyn brings kathryn along to..ummm...i don't know...attract bees?


but kathryn's all..

pool fuckers!

with a side of food and liquor.


6 hours later martyn is still installing world market shit all over the place..

as an aside..

martyn and i have been busy at work on his new fragrance..

it's called:


the scent is: beard clippings, tin, pomegranate seeds, clown tears, old suzanis, chocolate,  and jizz.



soon after... mary and nathan are eating bbq being served up by your mom..


no shit it's good, mary.



once martyn finishes up his suite he comes out to check on kathryn.








but i'm pretty sure 30 years have past.






woke up this morning to no internet connection.

just came back on..


 no MDD recap..




imma go work on it right now..



you just enjoy these pretty pictures..



keep in mind that there is a 4 ft tall princess here using the TV like it's her bitch (it is and so am i).



i project a release date of 6/30/2011 (that's tomorrow dummies).


in the mean time you should know that someone at HGTV thinks i am awesome..


so even if i wasn't chosen to be a turd on that turd of all design shows...Design Turd..

at least john gidding wants to sex me.



you can read all the hgtv celebs faves here:  HERE


come back tommorow or later..


gidding juice,

p.s. no MDD spoilers..i will cut you.