AHS recap- the scooby doobies vs. the yogi yahooeys

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i'm not sure what happened to this show these last few episodes but it feels like a whole lotta diarrhea coming out of everyone's faces. 

either that or it's another installment of the scooby doo laff a lympics.    


so there's one more episode left and it appears that all we will gain is the knowledge of the new supreme. and at this point i don't care a fuck. 

i had this thought that made me want to run, screaming, with an axe in my hand at ryan murphy's pinched little face, that thought was that all 5 of these bitches are going to be equal supremes.  and that i cannot have. 


the best part about this episode was the opening scene. 

i thought it was clever and inventive and super fucking weird.  it was the only thing that made sense. 


at least we understand what the 7 wonders are.   i think?  it was in latin and looked like a hispter music video but i still think i got the gist of what was going on.  


i'm going to see if i can't  (can?)  try and understand what the rest of the episode was trying to tell me….


first of all..CORDELIA'SEYESHOLYMOTHEROFASS!!!!   they look like freshly peeled clementines.  what a dumb fuck.  who gouges out there own eyes just so they can see the truth?!   but hey, looks like it worked.  job well done dumbass.  i'm finally starting to see fiona's frustration with this one.   at any rate…this regained "sight" is just the plot point we all needed to find out that fiona planned on killing everyone and leaving town for her last 2 weeks on earth.   


speaking of fiona..she's dead. hahaha!! nice try writers. here's to hoping she comes back half alligator half witch.  with this season's writing i wouldn't be surprised if she comes back as sharknado. 


papa smizurf comes back again as all 3 ghosts from a christmas carol.  am i getting that right?   


delphine.  ummmm….huh?  let me see if i have this correct:   delphine is sporting a "lady from maine" haircut, and working as tour guide in her old house.  no..wait.  no she's chopping marie leveau up into pieces.  no…wait.  no.  she's on a tour in her old house wearing a thelma-and-louise-style getaway disguise.   no… wait…she's in the attic again with her family.  BUT HOLD ON!!!!   MARIE'S THERE AND SHE'S NOT HACKED INTO PIECES ANYMORE!!  WHAT IS HAPPENING?!?!?!?! 


so in an effort to help us understand all of this queenie does some 2, 2, 2 bodies in one- sesame street shit and is transported back to the chicken shack.   papa smizurf is there to tell queenie that she's dead. but then she snaps to and says no, i'm too strong for this now lets have some cocoa with mini marshmallows and talk about what you can do for me. 


and that would be the power to kill delphine?!


i have the least amount of points in this game of understanding. 


can someone please roll more of that chicks in bonnets footage?


at this point i am fully expecting cordelia's orange peel eyes to pop out and be magic 8 balls.   



cordelia visits the axeman to warn him of her vision of fiona.  seriously?  FUCK THE AXEMAN!  he's an axeman!  who gives a shit about his feelings!?


but of course it's important that he know because chop chop! 


here's what i wanna know…fiona can throw up a hand and choke out queenie with her mind but when her boyfriend is choking her out she can't stop that shit with a nose twitch?  i mean samantha stevens could have done it in her damn sleep.  tabitha could have mastered it in utero.  but nooooooo, fiona is helpless in his arms.  *cough *cough bullshit. 


well, at least i can count on none of these women actually being dead.  not fiona, not delphine, not marie, not nan..no one.  in fact i am fully expecting some next level  monster shit and i will have it no other way.   i want fiona to come back with an alligator head, i want nan to come back as the creature from the black lagoon, i want marie to come back as jackee from 227,  and i want delphine to come back as a dolphin with black babies for arms mainly because autocorrect keeps changing 'delphine' to 'dolphin' and 'black babies for arms'  is just straight up awesome. 



perhaps my other favorite scene of the night was misty beating the shit out of madison.  pure awesome.  


a few minutes later the axeman arrives with fiona's blood all over him.  madison chops him with his own axe. and the rest of the girls conjure knives and stab him a gajillion times.   so is he officially dead?  how the fuck should i know?!  nothing is consistent in AHS-land.  and nothing makes a whole lot of sense. 


so, next week we find out who the supreme is.  here's to hoping it's kyle. 


or nene.


thoughts?  if you have any.  which you probably don't.  


AHS- smack my bitch up


where do i begin? 

this episode served up some aileen wuornos level beatdowns.

and 2 blonde witches twirled the shit out of some twirls.  

also god of gods?  

please let me age like angela basset. 

what is her GD secret?  


 this episode left me a little confused in a lot of places.  

what it lacked in plot points that made sense it made up for in plot points that made no sense. 


see below:

fiona brings marie a cup of strrooooong tea and says i will put a spell on you for sleep and marie acts like she feels bad for being so weak and vulnerable.  

why is marie suddenly all cool with everything.  but whatever, it's early. i'll forgive. 


marie is awakened by the shadow man from the princess and the frog..  

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and we find out that she owes this guy a something or other for something he gave her. her fucking gorgeous skin no doubt. yeah, pay the piper missy.  that ain't right. 


what she owes him, apparently, is a baby. 

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she sneaks into a hospital, steals a baby and then makes PMS face and the 2 security cops blow each other's heads off.  

sweet trick. 

i could see this trick being useful in a number of instances. 

mainly and most obviously, when 2 dudes with guns are trying to kill you.

but, what about in the grocery store when it's really busy?  in this case carts=guns.  


later marie, cordelia and fiona are sitting around watching the news about hank and cordelia acts like her brain is blind instead of her eyes.

when did cordelia get so dumb?

marie explains that she hired him because he was a witch hunter.  

fiona evidently is feeling the monumental stupidity on foxy's part and marches over and slaps the ever-loving shit out of her head. 


fiona also explains that they need to find the hive. 


mini stevie is doing some twirls and shit when fiona comes in and explains what the supreme power is all about.

she marches her downstairs to where the white witch herself is hanging out..NBD!

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mini stevie faints lisa vanderpump style. 

then big stevie high-5's fiona and starts singing rhiannon at the piano. 

mini stevie is in the corner touching herself.

fiona is doing exactly what i would be doing if stevie nicks was playing the piano in my living room, reclining in a chair after smoking some powerful-ass weed.  (you know she did).

zoe, madison and nan come in and madison asks when eminem gets there.  fiona gives a "marshall?  you're not his type.  but more importantly, you aren't the suuupreeeeme". 

misty and stevie do some simultaneous twirling and away she goes. 


nan practices some mind control on madison.  cigarette in vagina. 

another AWESOME power to have. 


madison is convinced she's the supreme and not misty so they will settle it with a supreme off.   of course they are. 


cordelia finds the delphi hive. 



cordelia wants to help. fiona screams at her and calls her hopeless and worthless. 

i suspect this is to actually protect her.  at least i hope so. 


there is some adorable mouse sacrificing, hecate conjuring, chanting and more fainting. 

delphi is infiltrated by some fbi agents. 


madison and nan go to the hospital to visit luke, only he's dead. 

nan cries. 


fiona explains to marie that the cancer is growing stronger as the new supreme's powers grow stronger. 


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marie tells fiona that she sold her soul to papa legba (shadow man) who took her baby for eternal life.  she of course wants to take it back but can't. 

traditional new orleans funeral parade in procession that misty and madison are following.   

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madison wants to show misty that she's just as powerfu…

she gets her to give up her shawl and misty considers it for a second and then 

she gives misty a 1-2 punch with a brick and she falls in the casket. 

misty needs to visit the wizard for some brains. 

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nan and zoe go to visit luke's mom who has cremated her son. nan thinks she killed luke with a pillow so she makes her drink bleach. 

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what a monumental waste of patti lupone.  seriously why kill her, bring her back only to kill her again?!

aunt myrtle is playing a theramin. i saw one on yo gabba gabba once and thought to myself…those things have no real place in this world. 

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cordelia has an EPIC temper tantrum, throwing potted plants all over the place while myrtle continues cranking out tunes on her robot box.  best scene of the night. 

over at delphi, hank's dad zzzzzzzzzzzzzz…..oops.  fell asleep. 

meanwhile fiona is setting up lines on a hand mirror and conjuring papa smizurf. 

she tells him she wants to live bc she is the queen of the witches. he don give a wet donkey shittabout da titul.  she wants life everlasting.  no aging, no decrepitude.

she provides services on 1 night a year. for example: would you cripple your daughter?  UM NO!!!!  murder an innocent?  someone you love?  YEAH, NO!!!!!

but fiona's like…DONE! seal it!

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but then papa is like…the deal is off.  because you have nothing to sell. you have no soul.  

she does some blow and says fuck it…i'll just kill everyone.

meanwhile nan hears something. 

and at this point i think as far as who the supreme is is anybody's game. 

nan finds the baby. 

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so they drown her in the bath tub.   i am fed up with this show. 


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snicks is playing some more piano for a weepy fiona.   this shit is cheesier than a goat's crusty udders.  

it's so cheesy it's the opposite of the 1933 wisconsin milk strike. 

this whole episode had me scratching my head.  the last thing i remember is fiona maybe wanting the coven to come together to defeat the witch hunters.  and that cordelia and fiona were mending things.  now she wants to kill everyone. myrtle was cordelia's favorite and now she's a theramin playing nut job.  also myrtle was more than likely hiding something.  delphine's head was delivered in a box and queenie got shot.  where is spalding?

ok, so i thought this was the season finale but obviously it's not.  there are 3 more episodes left i think?

my vote is this is officially the worst season yet. 

i feel like this show is given a different writer and director every week.  some weeks it's great and others it feels like a totally different show.  


i mean, it would seem misty is the supreme at this point but no real proof of that yet.  i suspect they are just throwing everyone off the scent and it's really, actually that twat zoe.  

and where the hell was KYLE?!



thank you all who left me birthday wishes!  

it was a great birthday.

very UN-birthday like.

those nails were something else.

it was like i was edward scissorhands.

i couldn't do anything for myself that involved the use of my hands.



but they sure looked good. 

the commercial was for a thing called decluttr.

which i think is some kind of organizing software.


there will be print ads too so you can tear them out of magazines and throw darts at them or create a carrie mathison style abu nazir tack board.

go get those magic markers and prepare for your color-coded meltdown, haters.


now, on to AHS...


i thought this week's episode was pretty good. 

campy as hell but enjoyable. 

i think i have myrtle's zingers to thank for this. 


queenie is murdering for marie. 

stealing hearts to make her a better witch.

and i don't care about this story. 


fiona wants to live out her days with her boyfriend but not til she finds out who the new supreme is. 


cordelia is still angry and hates her mom's stuffing. 

gross, who puts raisins in stuffing?!

i find it hard to believe that fiona would ever put raisins in stuffing. 

apples, maybe....but raisins?

fiona doesn't strike me as a raisins type of witch. 

myrtle is FOR SURE a raisins type of witch.


kyle is playing with a leap pad for toddlers.

he grunts and kisses a lot and manages to figure out how to tell zoe he loves her thanks to dora the explorer. 

madison is jealous.

guess she can feel sadness and jealously.



myrtle manages to pull herself out of the dirt in enough time to tell misty that there's a man outside the cabin with a gun.

later the two of them flee to roblahblah's and cordelia has a hot flash while touching misty and offers her protection. 


patti lupone gives luke an enema. (so so fucking wrong)

later she gets shot to death by the gunman.

cordelia touches the silver bullet and realizes who it is.

or does she?

i was confused.

i mean we all know it's hank but does she?


nan rushes over because she can sense that luke is in trouble. 

and here is where i want to change my mind and declare nan the supreme.


honestly i think it's either nan or cordelia. 


 nan was at the house when madison caught those curtains on fire...so maybe it was nan and NOT madison. 

neither one of them really knew what happened.

they assumed it was madison, right?


also, she opened the door with her mind. 

did you catch that shit?



in the beginning it was fiona who told all the girls that nan was "smarter than all of us".

but then when luke got shot up nan was begging for supreme powers so i guess if she was the supreme she would have been able to find them to save her boo. 


or it's cordelia and i'm not sure why i feel this but i think she is a viable option.


or it's stupid zoe.


downstairs the witches in la isla bonita costumes, are doing some kind of sacred ceremony to hasten fiona's death.

they trick her into suicide. 

fiona is ready to go to sleep forever because she foreshadowed her future and she looks like gollum.

but then spalding comes in and is like...no! you can't die. 

you've been lied to!

so he shoves some ipecac syrup down her throat and she voms.



while they wait for the sleeping pills to work myrtle plays the piano.

 they talk about how they will know when the supreme powers come on..

myrt says, "i hear it starts as a tingle in the cooch".

best line ever. 


fiona wearing a grey garden's turban marches in and lights a cig with her powers.

and basically says..sorry bitches you're gonna have to do better than that. 



and over at marie's queenie is feeding delphine still in a cage.

marie comes in and shuts that shit down.

delphine remarks that she isn't afraid of marie anymore bc there's nothing she can do to her.

she begs to be locked back in the box and marie chops off her hand.


a while later fiona and cordelia are bonding over coffee when a doorbell rings.

there's a big box on the stoop and fiona brings it inside, opens it to find delphine's head.

perfectly alive and hissing..."HEELLLP!!".



it would appear in next week's episode that the witches come together..

both within the coven and with the voodoo bitches.



so help me god if kyle gets zoe pregnant and in some kind of twilight renesme type of speeded up pregnancy zoe gives birth to the supreme i will personally gather up some silver bullets and shoot ryan murphy in the butthole.

right after i give him a clorox enema.