downton recap: scaaarrrry bates

let's go ahead and start off with the reason for the season…or at least the reason we hate love this season. 

anna and bates.  well, at least they resolved the secret of the rape before the melodrama reached a fever-pitch.   but now it looks like bates might have a spin-off show:  murder,  he hobbled. 

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mrs. hughes caved under the pressure of being responsible for bates leaving anna and downton forever.  personally mrs. hughes, i would have called his bluff.  like he has anywhere else to go.  except to maybe murder everyone.  but at this point i am certain mrs. hughes would rather eat her own farts than have "one more pear-son speak to me aboot their problems".  (that was me doing mrs. hughes for you) 

but i'm not sure why or how anna and mrs. hughes agreed to blame the rape on a random intruder.  this makes absolutely negative sense.  wouldn't the whole house be on alert if there were an intruder?!   either way..bates aims to find out who it was and i think because there was an extra jowl shake in his proclamation…we better believe him.  whew…good thing he's never murdered anyone before.  wait..he didn't, right?  

and in other news downstairs there's a new ladies maid… baxter.  where in the hell did she come from?!  she vaporized between episodes.  with a sewing machine and orange juice.   also she has apparently struck some sort of deal with thomas.  

weird to anyone else that every. single. ladies maid to cora must have some sort of relationship with thomas?

speaking of thomas…i would like a lot more of him and a lot less of everything else. 

it would be cool if the "more of him" was shirtless. 

alfred is trying out for top chef.  daisy is sad because she doesn't want to see him go, but is still helping him get there which, as mrs. patmore points out, is a mark of true love.  she right.   but much like mrs. baxter, daisy's obvious love for alfred seems to have materialized right before our eyes.  wasn't she just moody daisy last week?  her period must be over. 

mrs. patmore still doesn't like things from the future, but when mrs. baxter's magic sewing machine repairs her apron better than new, she lo-5's carson's nuts. 

some yorkshire hillbilly has died and lord grantham, in the first smart thing he's done since never, has decided to let the son-of-a-hillbilly stay on the land and he DOESN'T tell mary or tom,  who decided to kick him out and farm the land themselves.   rude. 

speaking of mary…i found a copy of her dress order: 

hi.  i need some dresses in these colours: 

lavender, orchid, lilac, plum, bruise, wine, amethyst and mauve. 

make them shapeless too. 

thanks.  LMC. 

 

lord gillingham has gone and gotten engaged to the honorable mable lane fox. who is clearly 97.  you snooze you lose lady purple dress. 

 

edith has a doctor appointment in london.  oopsie. looks like we know who's going to be pregnant.  sadly edith can't seem to locate her baby daddy.  i think he's probably preoccupied with hitler.  can we please not let edith be pregnant?  because UGH!  pregnant single lady is so boring.  can't it be gonorrhea?  or type II diabetes? 

 

i think it was kewl of julian fellowes to bring back the dowager/isobel bickering.  because maggie smith is funny or whatever. 

the children aren't dead.  that's good. 

tom wants to move to america.  he better not.  i still have high hopes for tom and mary grinding one out on the moors.  she would get pregnant again and name the baby matthew.  full circle. 

i know what you're thinking..."but what if it's a girl?"   lady matthew, duh. 

 

did i get everything?

 

spill it. 

 

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downton abbey- rapecap

hey friends. 

what a week i have had.  yesterday was  a 15 hour day for me on set.  wonderful and exhausting.  and today fiona is home from school for a teacher workday.  there are probably about 20 more pictures i could screen cap and upload, and impersonations were a little impossible to do this week, but i am just ready for this to be done,  so, please forgive the sort of, unfinished nature of this recap.  

a hard episode to watch toward the end, for sure.  but so much of it prior to that was fucking hilarious.  mike and i thought this episode should have been called "downton molesley: molesley's on fire!"  

 

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everyone in england appears to be arriving at downtown and there is excitement and mild panic (patmore and carson).


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cora's looking like a cuter version of her usual annoying and possibly high on gasoline fumes self.


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johnny gillingham's son is here and he's a glamorous pirate. or a nerd.


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edith has brought her mr. gregson and he feels about as comfortable as tom.


speaking of tom look at how uncomfortable he is.  he also says it about 40 billion times. 

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carson isn't amused with any of it.  he's still thinking about times before the war.  when servants was servants, and men were glamorous pirates. 

 

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johnny gillingham isn't as bad as i thought he would be based on his face. his voice is soothing and sexy and there is a mystery about him that makes him intriguing. 

LIKE A GLAMOROUS PIRATE!!!!

 

mrs. patmore is fuh-reaking out about syllabubs and scones.

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settle down and  make a list patmore!


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lord gillingham's valet, mr. green wants to play cards.  specifically with anna.


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edna "crazy eyes" braithwaite seems to be the only person to "understand" tom. 



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cousin isobel is breaking all of our hearts.  she doesn't want to go to the abbey to feel joy because it would make her feel guilty.   i TOTALLY get that. don't you?  mom's everywhere's hearts are crumbling and if penelope wilton doesn't at least get nominated for an emmy and a globe and a sag and ALL OF LIFE i am going to bite my PILLOW! 

 

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tom continues to to say inappropriate things. 


someone named sampson is cheating  at poker. 


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sexy pirate asks mary to go riding. she wants to ride.  and hard.  saying she hasn't ridden in ages and that she'll be stiff as a board in the morning.  i think you know where i'm going with this...

anyway..she asks the whole room to chaperone.  but apparently, riding is the worst thing you had to go and do in the 1920's on a giant estate with TONS of land. 

 

carson can't possibly eat with an australian singer.  and so convinces and ever dumber lord grantham.

 

daisy shames molesley for being a delivery boy. 

 

edith keeps trying to get lord g to hang with her boyfriend, who continues to blow him off. 

edith assures him that her father isn't so calculated.  yeah, it's called being a doofus. 

 

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horseride with mary and pirate.  dear god this was my favorite thing to look at.  

 

meanwhile, downstairs..

anna is making some potpourri out of sticks.  

 

bates has a goat and that guy, mr. green, gets it. 

 

nelly melba is such an expensive gift.  but "a house party can be so flat if there isn't a special moment". 

at my house that moment is usually just cake. 

 

jimmy "clever clogs" has a seizure trying to open up a jar. 

 

lord grantham has quite the wine collection. yum yum. 

 

lord gillingham gives mary sound advice on selling land vs. letting land.  pretty sure at this point it's no mystery that lord gillingham and mary are down with each other. 

 

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alfred brings down the sorting hat. 

 

that rose will do anything to dance.

 

tom is forced to dance with the duchess. 

 

mary is forced to dance with the pirate. 

but then has to leave abruptly bc stupid rose had to bring down matthew's old (sorting hat) gramophone. 

 

rapey mcgamer get's his explosive and dangerous card game going.  seriously, what was that game?  

 

gregson is on to sampson and his card shark ways,  and takes him down to chinatown. 

 

cora orders robert to sit down with nellie melba the singer and to like it. 

 

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patmore invents the panic attack, apparently. 

carson doesn't seem to care. 

 

edith looks lovely in her party dress. 

 

nellie loves her some claret. lord grantham suddenly finds her easy to talk to.  

 

lord gillingham asks mary to have dinner in london sometime.  mary laughs for the first time since matthew died. 

 

and then...

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this happened and our hearts grew 3 sizes that day.

 

lord g finds tom in the library with a drink. 

tom explains that he doesn't belong at downtown but LG doesn't have a second for such crazy talk.

 

dame nellie is singing the opera when gregson and the other guys sneak off for poker. 

 

alfred continues to remind us that he was born to be a cook. 

 

 

anna pops down to get some BC powder. 

 

granny prefers puccini to bartok and she ain't afraid to tell you.

 

anna pours her bc powder.  mr. green comes down and offers her some liquor. and then blocks her walk and tells her she looks like she could stand to have some fun. then he disses bates (sad, old cripple) and then he beats the ever loving shit out of her face. thankfully they don't actually SHOW the rape because THAT would have been gratuitous for sure. 

all while dame nellie is opera-ing her voice.  which drowns out anna's scream (kill me i did not see this coming)

 

gregson has successfully out cheated sampson.  

 

edna sneaks around with some whiskey for tom.  i suspect there might be something in it.  like dementor's tears. 

is anyone else as creeped out by edna as i am? 

 

mrs. hughes finds anna looking like me on most days.

she begs and pleads for mrs. hughes to not tell anyone what's happened. 

 

edna sneaks into someone's room. i'm guessing tom's. call me crazy.

 

anna sees bates and lies.  he tries to touch her and she moves away. 

then leaves. 

 

and cries. just like you. and you. and you. and you. and you. and you.  and me. 

the end. 

 

well, that sucked ding dongs. a lot of people are up in arms about it.  lot's of people are mad, saying it was distasteful and gratuitous. i did not find it distasteful or gratuitous. it was hard to watch, for sure, but i get why it happened. it's not real, ya know.  it's drama. a tv drama and rape happens to women all the time so it's not like it's a completely ridiculous notion that anna would be raped downstairs at downton.  julian F has stated in the past that happiness is the hardest thing to dramatize.  and bates and anna were perfectly happy, in real life that's AWESOME but for TV bad things have to happen for it to be watchable.  none of you could disagree with that.  and if you do, then i suggest you watch sesame street. 

that said, i don't fault you for being disturbed by it.  and i understand fully.  there are things i can't watch that i find too haunting to deal with when it's over.  things that stick.  this just didn't do that for me.  it was horrible for sure, but, for me...it was a welcome twist.  i was getting a little bored with of all the smiles and cutesy banter between the 2 of them.  

 

julian fellowes defends the scene here.  

 

also, interestingly enough...no one's talking about edna braithwaite taking advantage of tom while he was whiskey drunk and most likely passed out.  is that a form of rape?  i guess we'll know more about that next week.  

 

let's hear it!

 

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downton abbey- so many letters.

guys....recaps. where do i begin. they are hard. 

forget the writing and making things "funny". 

because no one hates a recap that's just a rehashing of the episode in someone else's words more than me. it's the technical difficulties that are giving me a pain in my b hole. 

please excuse the last half of the recap as reading like a cliff notes version of the episode. 

it's not only a bullshit excuse for a recap but it's giving away my stupid old process.  emphasis on old. 

the new and improved jandrews/mfamb recaps will be written entirely in text edit and copy pasted into this blog. 

so unless you want to see me kill the neighbor's chickens in a ritualistic offering to the god of patience DO NOT give me any advice on how to use common sense when writing a long ass blog post.  such as backing up your shit and not relying on squarespace to do anything right.

chickens will die!

 

ok...

on to the recap.. 

 

it's being said that this season is good because it's a copy/paste of the first season.

i might have to agree. 

let's compare:

season 1- lord grantham is worried about downton and who will run it since the sole heir died on the titanic.

season 4- lord grantham is worried about downton and who will run it since the sole heir died in a car accident.

season 1- mary is in mourning/a bitch

season 4- mary is in mourning x's a million/a bitch

season 1- lady sybil is rebellious and meets at dangerous places for political rallies. 

season 4- lady rose is rebellious and meets at dangerous dance halls for dancing with scrappy commoners.

season 1- thomas and o'brien plotted against pretty much everyone and everything.

season 4- thomas and edna are plotting against all the things. 

season 1 was so great because mary and matthew hadn't fallen in love just yet and there were suitors and a turkish dude who died of mary's poison vagina. 

 

yes, there are differences to be sure...a psycho nanny.

mrs. hughes has a new hairstyle. 

and if everything goes my way mr. carson will do it with mrs. hughes in the larder on top of mrs. patmore's clean apron. 

edith is  dare i say...fashionable?

if there was just something she could do about her face. 

 

without further adieu let's recap...

 

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 in the deepest, darkest of hours some letters are propped up on a mantle somewhere. 

o'brien has left the building.

the outcome for this particular character exit couldn't have been more realistic.

it seems o'brien went to become ladies maid to mrs. flintshire up at duneagle castle. 

in my dreams they are both sporting  similar bangs and experimenting with each other sexually. 

 

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 rose claims that maybe she heard o'brien talk about seeing the world.

lord grantham doesn't see how rose couldn't conclude that this meant o'brien would soon leave lady grantham for susan flintshire. 

rose has no room in her teenager brain for thoughts of others. 

what with all the dancing there is to be done. 

 

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it's been 6 months since matthew's death and mary has turned into a convincing winona ryder circa beetlejuice. 

even her hair is sad. 

like a sad helmet. 



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nanny west is here and looking like a weird, bald drag queen without his "face" on. 

 

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later,  thomas runs into nanny west who tells him not to touch the children. 

because RAPE!

 

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 meanwhile lord grantham and tom have become friends who don't agree on much. 

tom thinks mary should have a say in the running of downton and lord grantham thinks mary is a woman with a woman's brain who should cry some more and try to feed herself with her weak bird arms. 

 

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for the rest of the episode moseley is just a poor bastard with a debt that needs to be paid and no way of paying it. 

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"when your only child dies, then you aren't a mother anymore".

me = dead. 

 

aw...cousin isobel just needs a charity!

mrs. hughes gives it to her by way of a letter she spies in carson's trash. 

 

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a stern and peaked mary emerges to tell edith to go fuck herself with that valentine she's reading. 

 

speaking of valentines...

the girls downstairs are high on their own valentines's card fumes. 

 

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lookout mrs. patmore you're about to be replaced by an egg beater. 

 

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tom tries to peak mary's interest in the estate..

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lord grantham is like.."NO! SHE'S JUST A POOR BIRD WITH STICKS FOR ARMS AND SAD EYES!!!"

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 tom takes it to lady mary's real father. 

(you know you've thought it more than once. HOPED for it even.)

 

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 meanwhile thomas takes a lie/not lie to lady cora regarding nanny and her shenannygans. 

 

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 mary lays into carson for caring too much. 

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 granny comes in to tell mary that she needs to choose life.  and that she loves her. and to cheer up

because her tears are like swimming pools and orphans LOVE swimming pools. 

just kidding about that last part. 

 

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 lady cora and rose are interviewing edna for the lady's maid position. 

having no real memory of her working at downton.  ever.  even thought she was the one who totally tried to jump on branson's ding dong RIGHT after sybil died. 

really lady cora? 

 

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 THIS guy. 

more of this guy please. 

 

how have we not seen the dowager's butler before?

he's amazing. 

 

 

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 mr. grigg shows up at cousin isobel's to get better before shipping off to ireland to manage an opera house. 

 

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 edith is working every inch of those peacock feather applique's. 

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 they are infusing her with much needed confidence. 

 

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 AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

 

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 mary apologizes to carson for being such a dick and like a true dad he embraces her tells her he loves her anyway. 

and that he thinks she's strong enough for the job as ruler of the universe. 

 

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 it's springtime in downton because FLOWERS!

spring signifies newness and growth. 

and ladies throwing on their best purple frock and walking into a room full of jerk-ass jerks and saying move over i'm about to out pants-poop you in this here pants pooping contest called LIFE!

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also...who loves tom this season?

raise your hand. 

my hand is so fucking raised it's through the ceiling and grabbing the clouds!!!!!!!

 

in the second half of the show a box arrives for lady mary which is probably filled with letters. 

 

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lord grantham opens it because he's in charge of EVERYTHING. 

inside is the little stuffed dog mary gave matthew (sniff sniff)

 

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and a LETTER!!!!!!


lord grantham takes the letter to lady violet and we discover that matthew intended for mary to be the heiress if anything should ever happen to him. 


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GOD! stop being so vulgar and self important mr. molesley!!

 

 

downstairs lord grantham reads the saddest letter ever and then shits all over matthew's intentions as nothing but that. intentions. nothing legal OR binding. 

we GET it lord grantham. 

ladies are the worst!

 

 

at dinner lord grantham continues his masked discomfort with the idea of mary as partner in decision making by giving her a smackdown on her lack of LIVESTOCK FEED KNOWLEDGE! 

 

 

meanwhile bates decided to get a card signed by the whole village because BORED!!

 

cousin isobel gets mr. grigg a job at a belfast opera house. 

 

 

rose asks anna if she'll chaperone her to a dance.

 

braithwaite tells/doesn't tell cora that she ruined an ass ugly scarf.

 

 

bates asks lady violet for money. 

 because 

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thomas comes up with some non story about anna sabotaging lady cora's ugly ass scarf. 

then later anna spills some perfume in lady mary's room and segue's that into taking rose to york. 

it's weird and feels forced. 

and i'm 75% sure that anna is a dildo with googly eyes. 

i need water. 

 

 

bates takes "the card for gwen" to mr. molesley to sign. 

we know he's up to something, but what?

surely none of you figured this sideways shit out. 

 

 

 

granny asks tom and mary over and gives them some ideas regarding the estate. 

 

 

edith's boyfriend is convinced he can divorce his wife sooner if he moves to germany.

this sounds like an AWESOME plan.

 SO many good things happen in germany during the 1920's. 

 

tom and mary go on a drive around the estate and mary learns farm things. 

 

rose and anna go dancing in york and a fight breaks out.

 

 

we finally get to the bottom of the card/letter for gwen that bates wanted everyone to sign. 

it was so bates could forge molesley's signature and produce a fake IOU seemingly from molesley to bates in the sum of 30 pounds. 

later anna asks bates how he managed it..

bates replies "prison was an education".

macgyver, please!  i'd have put the damn money in his pocket when he wasn't looking. 

 

 

meanwhile mrs. hughes is still trying to convince carson to go and visit mr. grigg. 

 

kiss her already carson!!

 

sam somebody pays rose a visit and she comes out looking like a maid.

 

 

lord grantham calls a family meeting before dinner to announce that matthew's letter was testamentical intesticle..

basically it means mary owns half the estate and matthew's testicles. 

 

 

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and no, that's not edna giving thomas a beejer behind the chair. 

it's just a couple of mean girls being mean. 

 

 

mr. carson puts aside his anger and goes to see mr. grog. 

 

 

i realize there was a lot of ivy/daisy/jimmy/alfred that i left out but honestly?

ugh! i just can't.

this was a LOOOOONG show to recap with about fourhundredKAbillion characters already.

somehow this 4 way storyline seems endless and un-recappable. 

but suffice it to say..

i think alfred and jimmy are both sweet on ivy. 

i think alfred likes to THINK that jimmy doesn't really like ivy but i think in fact he does. 

and i think alfred will end up liking daisy before it's all over. 

i will also say that i will always be, team daisy. 

no matter what. 

 

 

 


the end. 

 

i gotta say i am recap rusty.

next week i will do it the smart person's way.

i also have an american horror story recap coming this weekend. 

season finale this wednesday. 

 

 

but i digress...

WHAT DID YOU THINK OF DOWNTON?

did you love it?

i did. 

i was so happy to be just be in their world again.

the blip bloo blee piano music when something frivolous is happening gets me every. time. 

 

sound off in the comments! 

i want to hear thoughts and predictions and what did i miss?

 

 

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