design star recap- LOL 4EVER!!

i cannot be responsible for the outcome of this post.

last time i checked it was 104 degrees inside my air conditioned house.

the nutella is on lock down (just kidding it's gone).

my underarms smell like onions.

and i don't know how much longer my kid is going to be ok with doing puzzles on the floor.

we gots'to make this quick..

 

this week the turds are on the jersey shore..

the jersey shore

 

standing in front of a B&B owned by someone named mr. and mrs. semen


 the semens need a little redecorating and decide to enlist the turds to decorate since it's pretty much going to be for free.  smart thinking semens!  maybe. 

 

the semens

 

 

cathy and kevin are a team...OR ARE THEY???

once again chompers doesn't want to do any of the work, just wants to shop for all the furniture and wants to eat some apples alone in her design paddock.

 

meanwhile kevin stays back and ruins a perfectly good floor..

kevin, to my mind taking on something like white washing a floor when you've never ever done it is sort of putting the cart before the horse...right?

 

"neeeigh!"

 

that means yes!

 

 

meanwhile karl, meg and mark can't agree on anything..

"i already played my mosaic card...what now what now!!? life is so hard sometimes"

 

 just when you think for sure these 3 are gonna lose..

they find a store with some cute shit in it and a design is born..

look closely...inspiration is happening.

 

 

 leslie hangs some doormats..

 

brett gets a cute chair..

 

 

kevin passive agressively tells cathy to fuck off..

 cathy don't give a shit.

 

meg buys some ugly fabric..

 

 

karl makes some stupid dumb mural moulding of the seashore..

seashore mural of dumbness

 

 

cathy hates life and kevin.. 

 

 

mark is making a rope ladder..

 

"if i close my eyes and think of the sea shore i see ropes"

 

 

"when i close MY eyes i see kevin hanging from that rope....and emmy's....and hay"

 


bret is losing..

no really.  he loses.

 

 

day 3.

the day of the bromstad.

as in on camera tip day.

as in i don't care day.

as in this is the worst part of this show.

as in i feel like this shit should be done in private.

as in it's like watching your grandma get a pap smear.

 

 

day 3.5

judgement day.

vern and genevieve show up.

tanannkiaa introduces the guest judge..

kathy ireland..

 

 since you all know my side job is designing frangrances for celebrities, i feel like now would be a great time to introduce kathy ireland's new frangrance..

it's called: swim meat

scent: chlorine, mission oak, 20% cotton- 87% polyester, arts and crafts, steam, chicken strips, old lipstick, and daisies.

 

back to the judging..

kathy loves everything.

genevieve loves leslie's rugs.

vern loves sweaters.

 

collectively they all loved karl, mark and meg's room:

 

 

 

it was my favorite too.

and by favorite i mean the one that didn't make me want to blow shit up.

in its defense..

it was fun.

in its offensiveness..

it was still gimmicky.

 

in last place was bret and his headboard..

 whatever..

6 of one, a half dozen of the other.

6 vern sweaters is still the same as a half dozen candace leather cubes..

6 bromstad art installations, one half dozen antonio treatments.

 

 

turd love,

design turd: mosaic turds

day 1-

 

new jersey cul de sac.

 

the challenge:

decorate some poor bastard's house.

there are 2 houses and therefore 2 poor bastards.

 

5 turds to 1 house.

 

poor bastard 1:

"i want something that doesn't suck bawls"

 

poor bastard #2:

"i want something that my kids can play in but looks like an adult space and doesn't suck bawls"

 

too bad bastards!!

 

EVERYTHING SUCKS BALLS!

 

cathy does the horses share of the shopping for her and brett and karl's room.

she buys a travertine topped table and some other ugly shit.

"travertine=global perspective".

 

chomp chomp chomp

 

 karl is all..i wanna shop too..  

 

karl and brett are over that bitch cathy..

"i'm so over that bitch cathy"

 

and cathy's all...

"whatchoo talkin bout karl? emmy emmy emmy..neigh.."

 

 

day 75

 

 

karl gets his way..

"don't worry bout it i'm just gonna smash em up and make the ugliest shit you ever saw"

 

 

mark and doug are fightin over paint and life..

fake smiles in a sea of vomit.

 

mark is all...

"i have a deep connection with nature and raw materials"

 

speaking of raw vaginas..

grab the (my) vagina, mark...grab the vagina..

 

 

and then kevin was all...

"just put me in the basement where i belong" 

 

 

 


and then meg was all..

"my style is vintage palm beach" 

 

and i was all excited thinking..

oooooo like this?

 

and this???

 

 and she was all..

no like this..

 

 and i was all..

 

 

and then leslie was all... 

 "i'm a lesbian"

and i was all..

don't you mean a les-LI-bian?

 

and then she mistook paint for putty, spilling it all over the new carpet

and fiona was all...

 

 

 and then bromstad showed up and i wanted to peel my face off my skull bones..

 

actually he seems super nice..

 

 

 

and then the novogratzs showed up...

and that shit got serious.

 

you should know that no footage exists of the novogratzs actually liking anything they saw.

 

 

here is why...

(brace yourselves)

it's seriously the WORST PART ABOUT THAT KITCHEN!!! 

just because you can do mosaic doesn't mean you should do mosiac. 

 

 

why is everything the color of cat puke and vagina?

 

 

totally. 

 

 

 would you like some tea with your throw up?

 

 

 

worst rug in the universe. 

 

 

angled rugs + pillows on the floor = poop.

 

 

murder.

 

 

sarah richardson is somewhere touching herself.

 

the best by a mile.

it's insipid but it doesn't offend me. 

 

oddly enough tweedleturd won with this: 

murder corner.

 

 

and doug lost with his vagina wall.

 

 

someone wake me up when it's down to mark and karl.

 

 

design turd season who cares episode 1

 

 i don't give a shit if you had a stick, a hammer, some crayons, 1 rusty battery, paint mixed with dirt and left boob sweat and 12 minutes to design a room with them…i meant what i said when i said the gloves were coming off this time..

i have been recapping this show since the season of the bromstad and this year…

 

honey badger don't give a shit. 

 

i will make fun of you if you're ugly or you wear girl scarves but you have a penis.

they only way i will say anything nice about you is if you deliver me something that doesn't include some wallpaper in a frame, a mural, moss balls, random balls in a bowl, shit in groups of 3, an accent wall or a word (or words) painted, stenciled, carved, drawn or left by vaginal snail trail onto the wall..so far…

FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL!!!!!!

 

this is the competition that beat out yours truly.

 

the whole time i visualized myself walking around as a more useful mentor a la gordon ramsay..

saying things like, "that looks like a donkey's dick"

and

jenny: "what's that?"

turd 1: "an orange accent wall."

jenny: "it's dumb and it's making my eyes bleed. do you want to go home?"

turd 1: "no."

jenny:  "then fucking paint all the walls the same color. use orange in the fabric or in accessories."

turd 2: "ok."

jenny: "now MOVE YER ASS!!!!!"

 

ok onto the recap.

 

 

the turds show up on a dumb rooftop..

tanika comes out and tells them they are the chosen turds

 

the bromstad comes out and tells them they have to be more like him if they wanna win...

 

 

which is to say be more like a ventriliquist's doll come to life:

 

 

everyone sucks but cathy cuz she's an eleventy time emmy champion for talking on the tv..or something.

but she is scary and her teeth are gonna eat me..

 

then err'body picks a partner and they each get a room to decorate..

 

here they are:

 

vomit.

 

don't tell me what to do.

double vomit.

 

 

 my heart bleeds drops of hate and screams.

 

 

gay.

 

 

around here we call that "awesome tire table", a ghetto coffin. 

the room is chunky puke chunks.

 

 

 

hahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!

nice shelf.

 

 

this took 2 people (+ a handy man and painter) 3 days?

murder. 

 

 

 

the poopy losing room with it's poopy wall dumbness.

 

 

imagine that...wallpaper in a frame.

 

LET ME SAY THIS TO ALL FUTURE DESIGN TURDS AND ANYONE CONTEMPLATING FRAMING WALLPAPER-

IT'S DUMB.

THE ONLY REASON TO EVER FRAME WALLPAPER IS IF THE WALLPAPER IS AN OLD REMNANT YOU ARE WANTING TO PRESERVE OR IF THE WALLPAPER ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE ART..LIKE DE GOURNAY OR SIMILAR.

PERIOD.

AND I MEAN MY PERIOD ALL OVER YOUR HEAD.

 

JUST WALLPAPER THE WHOLE FUCKNG WALL!!!!!

GODDAMMIT!!!!!!!!

(cry cry cry)

 

 

 

and for the record..

 i don't understand the appeal of all that cold, boring, lifeless, personality-less contemporary design.

where are the antiques?

where is the pattern?  the texture?

the layering?

the lived in look?

 

and they had 3 days!!!

THREE DAYS!

 

 

can someone please explain the appeal of this "style" to me?

and why do people still buy into that rule of 3?

do they really teach that shit to you in design school?

fire all of those people.

 

 

 

 

anyway..

dumb blanche went home.

but honestly any one of them could have gone and i wouldn't have been surprised.

or gave a shit.

 

 

also:

i predict this face happening a lot:

emmys emmys emmys!!