design turd episode 1


design star season 42 is upon us and folks, shit still be terrible.

 

if you're new here i make fun of this show.

 

 

the lead singer of creed is on the show...

 he hasn't sung about jesus yet but i fully expect him to.

 

look at that chin!

 

 

also daisy fuentes is a judge.

or is she a one time only judge?

i don't really know i only watched the last 20 minutes.

(20 minutes i'll never get back)

either way..what the diarrhea is daisy fuentes doing judging design?!

no really...tell me.

does she have a celebrity line for rooms to go?

kohls?

does kohls sell furniture?

 

i'm losing focus.

 

as i said i only watched the last 20 minutes which is essentially all you need to see.

 

here are some of the designs..

not terrible. 

but not good either.

ok it's mostly terrible.

those sheers need to be burned in a fire.

i have to know if those porn-rape basement lights on the ceiling are for tv purposes?

 if this was my room i would have ripped them down when no one was looking.

also, i would have obviously hung a more substantial curtain.

and you know how i hate FEATURE WALLS!!!!!

that "chevron" just ends up looking like ghetto charlie brown's dollar store t shirt.

and who's the asshole who chose that green gray carpet?

shoot them.

 

 

 

jesus another feature wall.

i like the wall color.

and i appreeeeeciate the way the white fretwork pops off the blue.

but the scale of EVERYTHING is wrong.

why didn't anyone think to get a bigger rug?

or a few rugs to create "areas".

and why does this room have hospital tile and the other one has murder carpet?

that cowhide just looks ridiculous and what the fuck is the ottoman for?

scale people. SCALE!!!

and i guess those rapey lights are for tv.

 

 

there were plenty of "art" installations.

 

that little table covered in tape was my favorite of all of the everything.

i would do that.

and that's saying something.

 

 

 bless her heart.

 

 

this person has no business decorating rooms for money.

and she certainly has no business on the TV convincing people that this is good.

feature wall? check!

lime green/royal purple complete double feature wall what does it mean?  check! check!

this looks like the "family room" in a juvi center.

i hope they set it on fire.

 

 

everyone raved over the fucking moose on a black wall.

in fact i think the girl who did it is the girl who won.

 

excuse me...

this room is horrible.

and the moose makes absolutely no sense in it.

and that tiny tv with the framing around it is about the worst thing i've seen on this show.

in fact i think this person should have gone home.

but not before they were beaten to death.

 

if it were me..

and i HAD to work with a moose i would have made it more rustic and cozy.

less z gallerie meets homegoods meets hairy butthole.

 

 

 

don't get me wrong.

i HATE this.

but it's the best of the worst.

it's layered.

it looks comfy.

and

i love monochrome.

but this is tooooo monochrome.

throw some wood in the mix and something that looks like the earth spit it out.

 

however, the real problem with this room is there isn't enough furniture in it.

the 2 sofas seem to be 4,000 miles from one another.

and it would have been so much better if they mixed it up a little.

why does everything have to be 2 of the same thing?

identical sofas, identical rugs, identical coffee tables, identical chairs...

 

identical thumbs down..

 

 

hello.

wake up designers.

 

 

this is all hgtv is providing in the pictures department.

probably for good reason.

 

 

next week someone poops out a table and vern's head explodes.

and then thousands of tiny verns come out and dance on it   

all the while candace's penis keeps the beat like a metronome.

 

 

 

tiny turds

well the turds decorate some fuckin garden sheds masquerading as garden sheds this week.

 

according to tanika this shit is the wave of the future..

or

"a hot new movement (bowel movement) of people living simply (with their dogs in a doghouse)"

 

why is this a thing?

are you all aware of this "movement"?

i was not aware of this movement.

i want no part of this movement.

this reeks of hipster patchouli.

 

i think having a garden shed in your backyard that you convert into an office or private retreat is great..

but to make it the place that you live full time says to me that you are living your life as a dickhead who probably wears old timey hats and pulls your jeans up to your ribs..

 

but whatever...

you still gotta git'er done.

 

as expected mark's boner grew 3 sizes that day when he walked into the shed made of wood..

 

once inside the tiny house the turds have 30 minutes to plan the space.

they are each given a "celebrity carpenter"..

 

here are the turds' reactions to the news..

 

tanika: you know him from hgtv...(no i don't)....it's chip waaaayne!"

meg: "annnnnnh hhhhhaaaannnnn....eat him!"

 

tanika: "you know her from hgtv..(no i don't)...carmendelalapaloooya"

mark: "i wish i had my hat on"

 

tanika: "you know him from hgtv..(really, i don't know him or any of them)...mark barkeloooou!!!"

karl: "my penis is tucked into my butt."

 

 

once they go over the plan with the carpenter they are off to shop.

 

karl is thinking ottomans for their versatility..

"hahahahaaa ha ha ha aaaa OTTOMANS!!!"

 

ottomans. versatile. 

 


meg is like so amazed by the awesome decorating power of a rake head turned into a thing that's not really a rake..

if you like this you need to punch yourself in the face.

 

 i'm...

 

shitting...

 

myyiy..

 

 pahnts!!!!

 

 

mark is buying belts..

 

 

 "get ready for my signature wall art made out of dumb things that no one likes.

 

and a new hat.."


 

more ridiculously time crunched scrambling ensues..

 

then the sweaty turds gather on the lawn..

for the 2nd part of the their 2 part camera challenge...

 

the walk through where

meg finally reveals her pregnancy..

 

time for judging.

 

 yaaaaaaaaay!!!!

big bird is back!!

she is using her sense of smell and taste instead of eye judging.

 

here's karl's doghouse...

nothing says creepy like karl standing next to a clock that reads 10:10...or just karl standing.

 

 

meg's..

 

mark's..

 

wh'uck??

 

for that split second when i imagine that i get to participate in the challenge, right before i punch myself in the vagina, 

what popped into my mind was that NY times article last year about the college student who

decorated the shit out of his dorm room..

 

 

stuff stuff stufffff!!

layers, rugs, textiles, furniture..

why do the turds always have to build shit?

no one in regular life is building shit.

 

nothing they ever do looks finished.

nevermind it looking good.

it just doesn't looked decorated.

i decorated my closet/clubhouse when i was 9 better than this and i had to work with blue carpet.

 

(i just high fived my cat) 

 

anyway..

mark got sent home for his dumb belts and stripes walls.

 

now everyone go and punch yourself in the left eye.

 

design star- double elimination means bizness. and that this shit is over sooner.

 you would think that given the opportunity to design their own space without having to concede to someone else's shitty design would mean less shitty design. 

well you'd be wrong.

it was raining poop and pee and farts and sharts and suede couches.

 

kellie just won a million dollars!!!!

 

just kidding she just saw the hgtv'd truck.

hgtv'd truck=b'hole herpes.

are you ready?

 

the poor bastards with a house in need of decorating for free were the....sbbaasshottks?

basshhock's?

fuck i can never understand anyone's name..

i will call them the spatchcocks...

the spatchcocks aka delicious chicken heads.

 

the turds draw cards to see which room they get to fuck up..

 

the spatchcocks brief the turds on what they need/want in each of the rooms.

they have 2 little boys.

1 of them likes to party. hard. 

the other one likes sports.

they need some chandeliers (plural).

someone wants bunkbeds and some lockers (here's a hint..it's not mom or dad).

someone has a record collection (that mark will make a ladder out of).

and leslie has cobras for arms..

 

everyone comences shopping..

 

mark shops for all the wood in the land..

"wood is my favorite."

 

 

day 2

 

mark is moving on to his masterpiece of all ladders,

made out of records..

everyone in brooklyn is hi-5'ing.

 

in the next room kevin is making stone look more like stone with paint that looks like stone..

paint this stone the color of stone.

 

 

leslie is..

handing over her title as design star.

 

 

but then as if things couldn't possibly get any gayer (and thankfully they always do)-

the gayest car in the universe pulls up..

 

(oonce oonce oonce oonce)

 

(oonce oonce oonce oonce)


IT'S LORD MCGAYLORD!

 

 

 lord of the gay is there for some role playing lessons.

karl pretends not to be creepy (FAIL) and david pretends he is dorothy in the wiz (NAILED IT).

 

day 3, maybe.

 

more shopping happens.

 

kellie can't find lockers..

crates are lockers sometimes when crates are busy being lockers.

 

meg shops for ottomans..

"hey jenny, you mean aaaaahtahmahns."

 

kevin can't find a mantle in all of new jersey..

so he asks woody for some wood..

 but he's like..no wood here..

 

meg is running behind again..

"ha haa ha ha  i better put aahn my big girl panties and hang some laahnternz.."

 

 

 

meg's panties.

 

 

meg's lanterns.

 

i would have ripped that homespun shit down immediately.

 

 

 

time for the guest judge!! 

it's my boyfriend john gidding!!!!

 

and that means it's time for another edition of..

(whispers) CeLebriTy FRaGraNceS

 

it's called: cuntemporary modern (for him/her)

scent: spruce, freshly cut tile, spruce, DWR showroom, tom ford's ball juice, new canvas sneakers, crest

 

john pretends to love everything bc he is friendly and positive.

 

 

 

leslie's room..

jacked up letters and inabiltiy to stuff the comforter INSIDE the duvet.

 cobra arms are hard. 

 

 

 the other side:

there is a giant soul eating monster hovering near the bed (10 points from gryffindor!)

plus there are screen printed pictures on the comforter.

 

i just want to understand the taste level here people.

 

and..

yer done.

 

 

kellie's room..

rug on an angle. 

150 points from gryffindor.

plus no bunk beds=little boy tears.

 

 

 

mark's living/dining combo:

those rugs are dumb.

 

would you like some wood with your wood?

 

 

meg's landing..

3 days?

all of that shit would land in the dumpster. 

 

 

kevin's family room:

 

kevin don't know nuthin bout furniture arrangin.

 

 

 karl's master bedroom:

 milquetoast.

that's french canadian for milk toast.

it'd been a whoooole lot better if it wasn't so ugly.

 

and it's the winner.

no you heard right.

the winner.

winning in all it's matchy blue and beige accordian blinded glory.

 

 

the loser this week is les..

neckshaft.

 

and..

 

slingblade.

 

but not bc his room sucked.

bc HE sucks.

 

 

seriously hgtv.

 

this show is sucking the shit out of sucking.