golden globes recap

main thoughts:

 

man buns are the worst.  i want to take them all down....in private  (raises eyebrows)

amy poehler won and she should have.

how many dicks did andy samberg have to suck on to win best actor in a comedy series and to win BEST COMEDY IN A COMEDY SERIES?!

i don't like where matthew mcconaughey's face is heading. 

bryan cranston won and he should have.

emma thompson is my spirit animal.

i can't speak of the film wins because the only movie i saw this year was frozen because parent.

jacqueline bisset is my spirit animal's spirit animal. 

tina fey and amy poehler are a national treasure.  that leo/supermodel/vagina joke was legit the funniest thing ever. 

robin wright's boob tape. 

 

on to the fashion..if you can call it that.  

 

in no particular order:

 

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this dress is too weird to discuss.

her face is like a pretty man. 



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unflattering and drab.

she looks like a sick penis.

 

 

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nothing to see here. 

 

 

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yes to all of this. 

johnny depp is on to something here. 

she's like a slutty keira knightly.

 

 

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that blonde in the back pretty much nailed it.

so did the red head with the horsey teeth, she whinnied and had to look away, right after she tried to eat those things on tina's dress.

the hair is the worst part for me. 


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combover.

toes.

vaguely penile.

 

 

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2 penises on a date. 

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good and fashioney.

but helmet hair. 

also, i'll bet the dress is about as comfortable as a maxi pad in a bathing suit. 

 

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no. 

 

 

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wow. pretty. 

of all the necklines this one is my favorite. 

it's just so flattering and pretty and sensual. 

she nailed it from head to toe. 

 

 

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too smooshy on her boobs is the least of this dress's problems. 

but damned if she hasn't moved all the way to the top of my "dream dinner guest list".

good shoes.

 

 

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did she swim THROUGH the hair gel?!



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the fuck is this?

is she high?

 

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ahhhh....eyeball cleanser. 

( i mean that in a good way. as in this is so good it's cleansing my eyeballs from that heidi mess up there)

 

 

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this is classic julia not giving a fuck.

 

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while i don't love the coral applique...i don't hate it either... but i love LOVE the cut of this dress and think she looks amazing. 

 

 

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i want to like this dress but i don't. 
 

 

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throw-up. 

 

 

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not feelin it. 

her head is good.

she could wear it to give birth in though and be super comfy. 

maybe that was the plan. 

 

 

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why does she always wear a glittery bathrobe?

that version of a ponytail is becoming the guy fieri of hairstyles. 

 

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not human.  mermaid. 

 

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this dress makes me wanna hate fuck robin thicke. 

 

 

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this dress looks like if david's bridal made a dress out of dresses from filene's basement.

 

 

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hamnana.

ham stuffed in a banana. 

 

 

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the prettiest girl at the party. 

 

 

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this dress is trying too hard to be cool. 

 

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cutest head. 

this dress looks like if a saloon girl costume became a giant stick of cinnamon gum and then a pretty praying mantis crawled inside it and put on red lipstick. 

 

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LOVE!!!!-

said no one. 

 

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yep.  every. time. 

 

 

and my best dressed winner issssssss.......

 

 

 

 

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this cartoon crab with a chloe sevigny head. 



worst dressed is everyone. 



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downton abbey: the english patient. just kidding he's canadian!

canadian bacon.

oooooo BURN!

i mean, ouch that hurt.

not as bad as your burnt skin, pee gordon.

would you like some fava beans and chianti with that face?

 

 

 

thank you i'm here all week.

 

 

 

 

 

the war is over!!

 

 

 this episode gave us a maybe matthew boner but a for sure freedom boner.

 

 

it's business as usual for matthew and his personal nurse mary.. 

if you're not careful mary you'll get arms like jack johnson. 

 

while matthew is out for his daily roll across the grass.. 

sir richard is talkin about his giant dick house, haxby park.

he's like..i got some money too, granthams!  i will out house you.

he totally does btw.

 

daisy's still upset over william's death her false heart.

so then she must feel like a giant asshole for wearing a black band that a war widdow wears, huh?

 

i'll wait while you go get a tissue.

 

 

over in the dowager countess's favorite discussion room..

 cousin isobel is just being her old insufferable self.  

she wants to keep downton up as england's most awesome retched refugee refuge.. 

 

 cora and the dowager are like..whaaa??

 

uhhh...no thanks.

if there's one thing these 2 have in common it's a whole lot of love for easy livin'.

 

 

 

uh oh..

that hand looks scary!

and the music is so mysterious!

 

who's hand is that you ask?

well, it's not hannibal lecter's maybe.

it's certainly not ralph fiennes probably.

well then who is it?

 

 

 no fucking idea.

but he thinks he's patrick crawley, the rightful heir of downton.

 but since his face is made of cheese, and the real patrick crawley is english and this guy is canadian, well, 

no one can be sure.

 

edith at first can barely look at his cheese face.

and she's seen a lot of war cheese.

 

 

 

sir richard aims to pilfer mary's favorite servant, carson..

i'm not really sure why.

but there it is...

(those eyebrows are ridiculous!

 

 lord grantham and jane the maid are gonna make out probably..

 

 sexy glance.

 

 

 

thomas is made entirely out of cigarettes and old edwardian pomade. 

 smoky smirk #1..

 

haxby park and it's 4 million acres of LAND.

 

 if mary seems excited it's because she can hide and not be found for days in this house.

 

 

meanwhile lord grantham is eating alone.

he appears to be eating dessert.

which in my opinion is the only way to eat dessert.

no one needs to see me eat an entire box of girl scout cookies.

anyway..this must be symbolic, right?

LG alone, being served drippy, red, saucy goo over white clouds of meringue?

that's supposed to forshadow sex right?

 

 

 

later pee gordon tells edith he is not patrick gordon but patrick crawley

the same patrick crawley that floated away on an iceberg after the titanic hit it.

landing in canada, obvs.

yeah right.

who does this guy think he's fooling?

oh.  right.

edith.

bless her heart.

she'll do anything for a piece.

 

 

 

 there is no driver in all of england more dedicated to someone else's car than branson.

another garage scene where branson wonders when sybil will be his girl.

god. never i hope! 

branson sucks!

 

 

 

outside in the shaddows..

thomas and o'brien are up to no good and a lot of cancer.

 

seriously..i have no idea what they are talking about 99% of the time.

 

 

edith comes in to tell papa about her new boyfriend..

 

and papa goes to investigate..

 

LG admits his story is pretty accurate..

 

but then pee calls him "robert".

whhaaaat?!

 

and then, as if things couldn't get any weirder.

pee totally gives himself a dirty sanchez.

 

 

over in the discussion room..

the dowager builds something out of scaffolds.

or she tells a tower of lies to cousin isobel in the hopes she will get the fuck out of downton forever.

 

 

 edith takes a walk with pee in her best sweater robe..

pee brings out the heavy ammo with crazily accurate tales of frauline kelda and running around in this here garden.

coughcough*bullshit*

 

 

after that dreadful dirty sanchez lord grantham decides a family meeting is in order to tell everyone

that cousin patrick might be alive and back to claim the throne..

 

 

 

 mary cannot believe that edith is falling for this imposter's bag of tricks..

 

while matthew is just one streak of guyliner away from full on goth-strength bitterness over his bum legs and weiner and pee gordon's ability to walk around and put babies in mary.

 

 

meanwhile in the saddest room in the world..


don't be slutty.

 

and over in the happiest room in the world..

see you later cousin isobel.

 

that is what a high five with your eyes looks like.

 

 

speaking of eyes..

bates has a hurty on his eye.

 

lurky mcbangs. 

 

 

 

at dinner sir richard shows up (late) with lavinia in the hopes of distracting matthew and mary from one another (IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN!!).. 

 

the fuck is she doing here?

 

 

and in the most uncomfortable scene of the evening..

sir richard threatens his bride-to-be to never cross him or undermine him or look at him sideways.

 

sealing it ever so romantically with a kiss..

supergross times a million billion trillion kajillion.

 

 

edith receives a letter from pee gordon...

"dear edith, just kidding. see you never.  love, pee."

 

 

the house gathers for end of the war silence..

 

 

bates wheels matthew off when...

 

wait a sec...

 

was that...?

i think my dick just moved!! 

 

or maybe it was his leg. 

but i am sticking with dick.

 

 

carson decides he needs to go with mary. 

sadness.

 

 

and mrs. bates is dead.

 

 

talk it out.

 

did you believe pee gordon?

i have to say the first time i watched it i did believe him.

however the second time i watched i saw right through his story.

 

 

before you view this week's videos you need to know that i was rocking a 100.5 degree fever in them and had no time for make up or even locating my dowager hat of power.

anyway..

these were my two favorite dowager parts..

the first one is between cora and the dowager.

it is very multiple personality disorder if you didn't know any better.

 

 

 

and..

 

 

 

pee (gordon) streams,

 

 

design star- they shoot horses don't they?

sorry for the delay my people. 

these recaps take time and i got no time sometimes.

word.

 

so..

this week is just chock full of terrible design and sad, ugly surprises.

but then i guess every week is isn't it?

 

starting with the release of my beloved cathy out to pasture...

 

look closely..

 

don't cry cathy. 

 

 

 this time the turds have to design a wedding reception in 2 days.


The Bride: 

contradiction.

 

 

The Groom:

 this spells divorce.

 

 

once again cathy is on her high horse and begins spouting off all of her wedding design credentials:

3 weddings not including her own plus the wedding design distinction of wedding design wedding emmy.

president of weddings

 

 

cathy persuades forces everyone to let her be in charge of the bride and groom table..

and then she licks her salt rock.

 

 

karl, kevin and mark are in charge of the not victorian gentleman's lounge..

 

karl thinks it's dumb to have a disjointed mid century style lounge area at a victorian themed wedding.

duh. it is. 

but the bride wanted an orange and yellow victorian glamour shots room,

and the groom likes skateboards and crooners.

 

so there's that obstacle.

 

if it were me i wouldn't have taken what they wanted so literally.

i would have nodded and been like...mmhhmm...skateboards..cool...ohh...uhh huh...orange and yellow..mmhmm....colors..

 

then i would have made a real pretty wedding reception and dina manzo's brain would have exploded into a thousand tiny, gay wedding planners and they all would have hi'fived me.

 

anway..

kevin don't care..

he's just excited that he can do more 50's kitsch and mark just wants to build something out of skateboards.

 

 

depsite his best efforts to creep everyone out..

 

karl says fuck this shit..i'm gonna go ruin a flower arrangement. 

 

 

mark sketches out some dumb skateboard hanging ladder of stupidness..

 victorian skateboard ladder.

of stupidness.

 

lord bromstuff shows up for the camera challenges..

these camera challenges are just getting way outta hand...

 

 

leslie has a stroke...

 

meg poops her pants...

 

and then it's back to making everything look more terrible..

 

 meg makes flower trophies..

how many times did that shit get knocked over?

answer: 1000

 

 

kellie makes a giant orange victorian spider...

scary.

 

 

leslie draped some fabric over a table and lit a candle..

i will cut her some slack since that was probably all she could manage with her new stroke arm.

 

and

 

karl proved that you can make flowers look ugly..

 

the turds cut it close time wise bc of all the table setting and shit clearing.

 

there is stampeding..

careful meg.  don't knock over the flower arrangements.  or everything else.

 

time for judging..

 

dina manzo is beside herself with disgust.

this shit would never happen at the brownstone

 

 

the winner this week was mark with his lighting smarts and skateboard ladder building...

 turning asian.

 

asian head bow of gratitude.

 

 

the loser is cathy with her weak bride and groom table..

whatever..it's not worse than that lame asian skateboard ladder.

or the prom meet and greet table that leslie fashioned out of an indain sari.

 

cathy straight up left bc no one liked her.

end of story.

 

well, and there was no way anyone could have looked into those giant orbs for too long without feeling extremely uncomfortable.