AHS recap: you better axe somebody.

the truth is i mostly wanted to punch this episode in it's cold, stiff, unyielding mound.

i thought it was all over the place and full of...."she's a witch..why didn't she do this?!"  or "zoe killed a pack of zombies last week...she can't take down anthony bourdain's axe-wielding brother with her hand?!"

that said there were definite creepy moments and a handful of plot turns and shit. 


and praise white witch yeezus..

THIS is happening!


so without further adoo doo in your voo doo..

let's recap:


the axeman is chopping people up in 1919 new orleans and that shit really happened

also he likes jazz and he will chop you up on a tuesday if you aren't playing it in your home.

i would've been so axed because jazz is the worst. 

thee girls

in the house of roblahblah,  a front and center meryl streep kid is all..

" we must not be thee docile or thee axeman will get thee and haven't we suffered enough with this thee women suffrage in thine lace collar club?"

what is this a 5th grade chekov play?

stab stab

but then when the axeman actually comes because FUCK jazz..

the lace collar club stabs the shit out of him. 

NOT ouija

back to present day and zoe is going through madison's things..

vodka, gun, rubbers etc..

when an old bottle guides the way into a closet full of photographs and a spirit board.

bottles are the easiest way for ghosts to point us in the direction of what we need to see don't you know.

 if i were a ghost (and i am) i would pick the board up and be all.."here dummy".



zoe serves up some absinthe to go along with the spirit summoning. 

queenie knows a thing or two about spirit boards and is like you don't know shit about this shit.

"contact and release" is the name of the game.

and don't release what..you..contact....or..something.

chemo cullen

meanwhile fiona is getting her chemo on and she has somehow developed the power of hearing thoughts. 

she gives us another career performance here.

i did this scene a few times and it was so melodramatic awful i was like..people are gonna think i am trying to get a part in something.

so i nixed it.


there wasn't a lot of fiona juice this week.

girl was broke down and full of sads. 


mystery inc.

nan and the rest of mystery incorporated are SUPER FUCKING SLEUTHS! 

pictures of old timey witches + an axeman website + the date he was murdered = THE ANSWER TO EVERYTHING!!


they're using scooby senses instead of witch powers here, people!


contact no release

the supreme herself needs a ouija board- oops..i mean spirit board to ask (axe) the axeman where madison is.


she needs to ask a game to ask a ghost where another ghost is??!!


so spirit board tells her madison's in the attic.

why couldn't madison just tell nan?


up she goes into filch's stinky doll room.

upon finding madison's corpse in the chest

filch grabs her and we find out later that zoe defeated him by hitting him over the head with a doll. 

sigh. no witch powers needed. 

mums vs. roses

ol' acid eyes shows up in a very bad mood.

who can blame her?

what with all the ROSES IN THE ROOM!

hank touches her and she gets all flashy and sees "the redhead".

then fiona touches her and she sees "auntie myrtle".

at some point i think whoever threw acid on her is going to touch her and she'll "see" who did that too.  

spalding nugent

filch is channeling the nuge and getting interrogated by the clue crew.

nan tries to read his mind which is super dumb because WHY HASN'T SHE BEEN DOING THAT ALL ALONG?!
i mean she could have already solved the mystery of the EVERYTHING at this point.

filch has learned a trick or 2 over the years and he starts manipulating his own thoughts.

instead of the real thoughts, which would be fiona slitting madison's throat and filch rolling her up in the rug....he has pretend thoughts of necrophilia.  and "cold, stiff mounds".

and no, he's not talking about a winter baseball game.


over in stevie hollow misty is giving frankenkyle a bath (while simultaneously healing auntie myrtle in a mound of swamp water and alligator voodookie) when he starts flashing thoughts of his molesting mom so frankenkyle gets frankenfreaked and starts frankenruining things.

including misty's only stevie touchstone...her radio. 

zoe shows up and misty is like get him the frankenfuck out because he "broke stevie". 


i need a cigarette

down in cordelia's conservatory misty tries to "resurge" madison only since she's mostly decomposed it proves to be a bit of a challenge.

nothing a little stomach pumping and massaging can't fix.

after a spurtle of old, rusty blood and a cockroach emerge from her mouth, madison pops up and states, "i need a cigarette."


hank we have a problem

hank visits marie and is all "we have a problem".

and marie is all you're damn right we have a problem.

so we were right, hank is total bullshit.

despite looking like a 90's sitcom dad he is also a witch hunter.


not my tribe

later zoe asks misty to "stay the night." and "sleep in a bed for a change you disgusting swamp monster".

misty declines due to "bad vibes"


what bad vibes you ask?

no, not the bad vibes of 2 dead teenagers brought back to life...

ghost rape

these bad vibes.

so a ghost can hold you hostage, apparently. 

and touch your boobs.

the axeman having not been properly "released" by zoe decides to terrorize poor, old, blind cordelia.




as i said earlier..

zoe brought down an entire army of zombies using some "be in your nature" shit with her HAND!

her hand!!


wait a minute....!!!!

umm this one

hey that's a hand!

oh. nope. sorry.

she's just using it to dust a bookshelf. 


so she grabs a book to read some magic spell that will release a murderer into the streets at night?

albeit a ghost murderer, but still a murderer. 


and away he goes...


hey sexy lady

down the street to a bar.

where he "hey pretty lady"'s a freshly chemo'd fiona holding a fistful of hair. 


OH so many questions.

am i imagining this episode was not great?

was it great and i just missed something?


delphine was notably missing. 

i liked that we found out about hank...

and that madison is back..

but it just felt so silly. 

can we not acknowledge the fact that zoe brought down the zombies with her hand and some nature mantra?

i mean, come on.

it felt like 1 step forward 2 steps back. 


next week looks like queenie pays a visit to marie. 

but will fiona not smell the bullshit in the axeman's pockets?

will myrtle be ready for harvesting?

will her red hair be intact?

will madison remember?

fiona could erase that shit like she did those gravediggers in episode 2.





downton recap. season 3, episode 1. unedited and uncircumcised.


 this recap has been written based on the way that is was shown in the UK.

which is to say 1 hour episodes, not 2 hour episodes.


i am working on part 2 as we speak..

i didn't even think about the premiere being jammed into 2 episodes.

americans are so greedy (said like the dowager).


in any case..

here is the recap to PART ONE (thanks pbs) of downton abbey (said like laura linney, only "thanks pbs" is totally said like me when i'm annoyed).


 it's spring 1920 at our favorite house and daisy is riding a bike.



the whole village is at mary and matthew's wedding rehearsal.

everyone's discussing whether or not sybil is coming to the wedding.

sybil isn't coming bc she's no longer a crawley, she's a branson and a branson is poor.

lord G won't pay for the visit because fuck that branson fellow.



 downstairs everyone is talking about jailbates while eatin' some treacle. 

essentially it's still thomas vs. bates.






meanwhile cousin isobel tries to convince the dowager and cora that everyone is just being a judgemental asshole regarding branson and sybil coming back to downton.  "no one would even notice or care".

 the dowager agrees, she thinks it's a good idea for branson and sybil to be at the wedding,

he just needs to be watched so that he doesn't act like an irish mob leader..




back at downton o'brien reveals her new bangs.

there is a decidedly less mattress spring to forehead ratio.

there is talk of alfred "ted" nugent.

o'brien's nephew and man in the running towards becoming downton's next top footman.



later o'brien is seen fingering lady cora's hair.

finger waving?


finger braiding?

i'll stick with fingering.

she asks cora if her nephew could be the new footman.

that o'brien is a sneaky opportunist.


 lord G comes in and he seems distracted, stressed.

cora uses this to her advantage asking him if it's ok to buy a new footman.

he agrees.

must remember this technique.



over at the jail...


 anna is talking to bates, trying to clear his name like it's her job...

anna- take this letter and decipher it with all that extra time you have these days. ok?

now...what news have you got for ME?


bates- umm...a new cell mate who's a total dick?


anna- just do what mother says...never make an enemy by accident...now let me finish my job here as yorkshire's finest P.I..  and don't forget that letter...find us some blue's clues you lazy ass.





alfred, the giant footman shows up.

he's a ginger too. 

double fucked.



carson is not impressed.



across town.. 

lord G visits the monopoly guy.




 monopoly informs him that his bright idea of investing all of cora's money in canadian RR was a bad idea.

apparently canadians didn't ride trains in the 1920's.  



which totally doesn't make sense bc canada is, like, fucking huge.





everyone is decorating the village with etsy crafts for the wedding of the lamest couple in the land.


speaking of lame couples... 

edith and jeff daniels are talking in a car about nothing.



while downstairs everyone wants more money or a better position.

and as we all now know...

that ain't happening bc there is no money.



family dinner #4,000..

everyone is talking about the arrival of cora's mother.

no one is more excited than the dowager.


and the ginger giant is helping with dinner.. 

the dowager is visibly sickened..





talk turns to living a simpler life..minus servants..

the dowager thinks that idea is hilarious..






matthew and mary talk about having sex with each other...

it's gross.



sybil and branson tom mr. branson her husband arrive...

background tension.



and inside a blue shirt inside a blue skirt inside a blue room..

matthew is talking to cousin isobel about how lavinia left a big ass fortune to 3 possible heirs.

matthew being one of them.

the first guy died of the spanish flu.

 the 2nd guy is in india somewhere drinking tea and so the last guy on the list is matthew.



i think we all know where this is going...


wait...where is this going?




family dinner #4,001..


everyone is all up in tom's olive green everything.



when will these aristocrats learn that you can't judge a book by its irish leisure suit?





daisy is on strike and giving us full nell in this picture.


OH! and the gray's are coming.

wait...who are the gray's???



 upstairs LG tells cora he lost her fortune..


cora's cool about it because she's an american.

have gun will murder travel.



tom wants to stay in a bar in the village bc dinner at downton is the worst.


matthew tells tom he's got his back..

matthew and tom hi 5 each other over being brothers.



meanwhile scene 2 of the bates murder mystery spin off show..

or as i like to call it scene 2 too many.


a little later..


 anna is fingering edith's hair and making her all pretty for a certain jeff daniels????



downstairs obrien's bangs are the plot is thickening..

o'brien wants thomas to help alfred get ahead of the footman game and thomas is like..


why would i do that?  i'm an asshole, remember?

and just like that the dream team is destroyed.



upstairs the grays are here and there is a party for them.



the young gray...larry?...is picking on tom..


and we learn that along with irish leisure suits there are manners packed in tom's suitcase.

or something.

also larry gray's and lady mary's eyebrows went to the same acting school.



LG tempts the dowager with some fancy drink..


she's like..






sir antony daniels is complimenting edith's fingerwaves when he notices larry plopping some pill in tom's drink.


at dinner tom is more irish than usual. that is to say more drunk.


grrrr....i'm so angry and embarrassing!!!



after a few uncomfortable outbursts it's sir antony to the rescue. 

he spills the potatoes (irish) about the acid in tom's drink making him appear more drunk (crazy? angry?).



 what happens next is too awesome (cheesy) for words..

matthew stands up and asks the totally crazy drunk tom to be his best man...


all the girls swoon accordingly...



that'll show eyebrow guy.



 LG and cora talk over a nightcap about telling mary of downton's certain financial ruin.

seriously...did anyone else think cora took this a bit too lightly?

i would have been a little more...umm....concerned?




bates and his cell mate have words.



the dowager and isobel are having some tea with the fireplace of my dreams and tom shows up.

they tell him he must wear a proper morning coat.


he's like..no thanks, i'm fine with my tweed leisurewear.

they're like..no..you wear morning coat.




here comes trouble.

aka martha levinson.

cora's mother.

shirley maclaine.

me in 20 years...



there's a kicky tune in the background as she arrives and tells sybil her wedding plans suck, edith her face sucks, and mary her wedding's gonna suck...



once inside they all cram together on 2 sofas and drink tea...

martha takes her big american dick out and pees on matthew's face.

why should he inherit all her money?


matthew checks his watch and is like..oops..that time already?


he and mary walk out and he tells her that a letter came regarding lavinia's death from the flusads..


he is one dead body closer to being heir to lavinia's hefty fortune. 


but OF COURSE he doesn't want it.

mary's like..umm...no you DO want it. 


and she slaps the paper out of his hand...

bc this show is kind of boring if marys not mad at matthew or matthew's legs aren't broken. 



the dowager runs into martha in the hall...

dowager:  americans are brash assholes with no respect for tradition.

martha: the english are stuck up and pretentious.


the scene we were all waiting for was a bit of a letdown if i'm honest.

the best we get from the dowager is this:







family dinner 4,002..

it is revealed that the dowager is the one that paid for sybil and branson to come to downton.

martha tells the dowager that she may have underestimated her.


the dowager simply says she's a woman of many powers, as she slurps her soup...


 i was hoping for a bit more so i changed it ever so slightly..




mary is upset and leaves.

(who wouldn't?  old people eating soup is gross.  ok everyone eating soup is gross.)



tom and matthew are having cocktails and talking about shit like bros...

tom tells matthew that he would have a life of sads if mary wasn't in it.


upstairs anna is un-fingering mary's hair while she tells her that men like matthew only come around once so she ought to hold on to him...

worst advice ever bc matthew has a vagina.



but whatever..


 matthew visits mary's room to hug it out.

she's not having it..at first...

but then matthew tells her what tom said and she agrees to forgive him and marry him despite her better judgement.


he wants to kiss her...


but mary says it's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding....


and so they agree to kiss with eyes closed.

but not before mary's eyebrows PHYSICALLY REMOVE THEMSELVES FROM HER FACE and reach around the door to punch matthew in the dick (vagina).

seriously those things have a mind of their own.


"i swear i am not pretending this is pamuk"





more hair fingering and sex talk between the crawley women and anna.

cora basically tells mary with her eyes that there is a difference between getting almost-raped by a turkish diplomat who dies on you and sex with someone you love.



downstairs carson and LG wait for mary to walk down the stairs...


she appears and says..


will i do....carson?


it's the sweetest thing ever.


carson tries to choke back tears...


and i nearly gag on my own tears.




blah blah they get married...



 the end.


my thoughts..


shirley maclaine killed it.

she was a breath of fresh air.

 i expected nothing less.


so downton lost all it's money which could mean a few things here..

they have to sell

they have to get the money from big martha 

matthew inherits lavinia's fortune

or...they have to open a pretzel shop.


time will tell. 

but i do love a good pretzel.


edith is coming on strong to sir antony,

who looks like he doesn't know where he is half the time.

 i smell a (cheap) wedding in their future.

i mean they used up all the bunting in the land for mary's wedding.

what's left to decorate with but thomas's old cigarette butts?


and if i have to sit through one more anna and bates dark prison table scene.. 

i'm gonna punch my boobs all night long.  



 spill it!!



was it as good as you'd hoped?

nothing really ever is, is it?



***so these thoughts were written in regards to part one..

we all know the answers to these questions now... just humor me and pretend pbs did not totally fucking ruin my recap. 

i am out the door this morning on my way to stab pbs to death.



christmas letdown(ton)

 i was expecting more from christmastime at downton.

those snowy images i kept seeing all over the internet were misleading mr. julian fellowes.

christmas lasted 5 minutes then jumped to new years then to a murder trial then to a dog search party then to some hunting then to a snow twirling proposal then to credits.

wait..this whole episode was kind of a letdown.

i am confused by my emotions right now.

i mean i was crying right along with anna when she was going to leave downton.

i was happy to not have to endure more sybil/branson dumbness.

i was moved in a way that only the waltons circa 1980 could move me when daisy realized she loved william and william was the only one who ever really loved her.

and then again moved to tears when william's dad asked to be her dad too.

but the matthew and mary part..


was like...huh??

i mean, who doesn't love a snowy twirl?

but..it was a bit anticlimactic if you ask me mr. julian fellowes.

the kiss should have at least made me moist in my unders.

but it didn't.

and i could have done without the rosamund/boyfriend/maid bit.

who cares about that?

no one. that's who.

and i actually felt sorry for carlisle.

he loved mary.  he just didn't know how to be cool about it.

he was too possesive and couldn't handle an aloof woman like mary.

plus he looks like this in real life.


i will commence the recap but you should know mr. julian fellowes that next season i won't stand for any more bullshit.

no shark jumping canadian burn victims.

no ouija boards signifying nothing.

no one calling mrs. patmore fat.  

unless you called her mrs. fatmore.  that would have been hilarious.

i'm kidding, i'm kidding!

seriously that writer needs to be put down like a lame horse.


no more dogs locked in sheds.




don't get me wrong...

i still LOVED it.


let's go!!



it's christmastime!!


look at the pretty tree with LIGHTS!



it's almost 1920!


 the fashions have changed and you can collectively hear all the women shouting.."FUCK YOU SLEEVES!!"



in wintertime no less.  

that's so ballsy!

and stupid.

i live in the south where our winters top out at 50 degrees and i am wearing 8 sweaters under my bathrobe all day long.  



so while these bitches feign warmth, the servants stand in a line waiting for their gifts.

who planned this condescending shit out?

called forth like they were receiving an award for best cot making abilities.



nothing says season finale better than introducing a new storyline and character.. 

aunt rosamund is at downton for the holidays (but not sybil. weird) and she's brought her sassy mouth new maid..

ms. shaw.

who starts right in with the bates put-downs.

(them's fightin' words!)

and putting ideas into daisy's pea brain about a promotion.



upstairs the gift giving is a bit more civil..albeit still weird..

everyone stands around and opens presents. 


and no where near the tree?

what is wrong with 1919 england?

the DC receives a nutcracker from cousin isobel and matthew. 

haha..i get it.

an edwardian gag gift, right?


then she should have beaten cousin isobel in the eyeball with it.



 this whole episode tried to slam down our throats that matthew and mary are sooo right for each other.. 

while carlisle and mary are soooo not right for each other.

i mean carlisle was lurking in a corner seething with jealousy in virtually every shot.


next up was christmas dinner.

in comes carson with absent sybil's favorite flambe... 


downstairs christmas fun means talking to the dead via a ouija board..



while upstairs charades are all the rage..


"charades is gay". 


and somewhere not so very christmasy is mr. bates.

sitting in jail wrongfully (or is he??) accused of murdering his wife and awaiting his fate..


i made up a special t-shirt for the occasion...






later on lord grantham confides in carson that he is uncomfortable with the idea of thomas as his new valet..



 next day has harry dunn aka anthony strallan visiting the countess only surprise...

edith is there too.

that crazy countess just wants everyone to be happy.


 over in the gloomy gray jail...

anna tells bates not to count his busted up chickens before they hatch.

aka you haven't been convicted yet!

let's wait and see how your awesome friends and BFF lord grantham come to your defense in the courtroom by NOT telling the judges about all that mrs. bates murder talk that went down a while back.


later lord hepworth or whoever the fuck he is..the "fortune hunter" intended for rosamund,  shows up for new year's eve and secret maid nooners.


 sybil's pregnant!


 4, 3, 2, 1....

happy new year!!!!!

upstairs it's champagne and more standing.

dowstairs it's more oiuja and wine.

these edwardians are NUTS!!!!

oops...the golden agers?  the roaring 20's-ers?




new years day is all about the hunt.

and while sir dick wants nothing more than to strap mary to his gun..

it's matthew who gets her for the first drive. 




there is a dick carlisle/dick cheney parallel here for sure.


edith pays a visit to sir anthony. 

oh edith.

LOOK at that poor bastard.  

perfect for edith in every way. 


daisy feels she needs to tell william's father that she didn't love william in that way and he's like...

you did though. what you did for him was love. even if you don't see it.

and he loved you.

and she's like..

oh yeaaah!!!

you're right.

and then i cried.



 getting on mary's nerves.



a lovely hunt lunch in a barn.





the DC tries to get to the bottom of this "fortune hunter's" intentions.



"i'm warning you...if you don't marry me soon i will stick it in your butt on our wedding night".


 "mary...i won't penetrate your butt.  ever!"



it had to be said.



cora tells LG all about mary's powerful turk killing pussy.


and then it's time for bates's trial. 

and this is where shit just gets ri DIC u LOUS!


it's like everyone was given a dram (old time word) of truth serum or something!

first obrien spills the beans..

 "h e..h a a d..a...s c r a t c h....o n...h i s...(murderer)...eeeyyyye..."


then mrs. hughes...

no better...

"h e....c a l l e d....h e r r r....a a a a....b i t c h h h...flaargg..blaah blleeep" 


then finally...

lord grantham for the save!!


but then BAM!!!!


" h e....s a i d d d...i....w i s h....t h a t t t....b i t c h...w a s s s..d e a a a d d d...bleeepity blap blorp" 








then once they get their heads out of their asses they gather in a pub to talk about getting the convicition changed to life in prison instead of death.

which is sooooo much better.



and then more truth.. 

lord grantham tells mary he knows all about mr. pamuk and he doesn't care.

there's already scandal.

let them be the kardashians of 1920. 

"go bring home a cowboy from the middle west!"



mary gets a trip to new york and a sexy cowboy lover.



thomas locks isis in a shed.



anna visits bates in jail for what appears to be the last time.


even the cockblocking guard thinks this whole thing is the sadz. 




mrs. patmore's had enough with the ouija and daisy's reluctance to go visit poor william's dad at the farm..

she pretends the board is william telling daisy to go to the farm.

and since daisy isn't the sharpest tool in the shed, she believes it.


the hunt for isis is on..



anna tells carson and mrs. hughes that she is leaving downton..


and mary tells matthew about pamuk..


while somewhat hurt and resentful..



mary's cooter is just. too. powerfullllllllllll!!!!!!!!!!!




 thomas is sweating the fact that he might have killed isis.



and over at the farm..

william's dad tells daisy all about how all of his kids had died and he is all alone and could daisy be his daughter

and i was crying the ugliest cry you've ever seen.




somehow thomas manages to convince lord grantham that he is to be trusted.. 

when clearly is the worst human being and should never be trusted.

i'm telling you those pajama collars are choking the sense out of lord grantham.



anna asks mary if she can go to new york with her.

spin off, spin off!!! 



lord G tells carson that maybe thomas can see him naked afterall..



 even carson's like..



and then in the SADDEST scene of all all ALL times..


 anna tells mrs. hughes goodbye and mrs. hughes tells anna that she is essentially the house maid equivalent of a rock star..


it's so heartfelt and sad and i cry a little just looking at these pictures.

you are too!!!! i see you!


in the library mary tells dick so long.. 

matthew comes in and it doesn't take long before dick plays the lavinia card (matthew and mary's kryptonite for being together) and then punches are thrown.


no one wins bc LG comes in with WORDS to break it up.

stop this at once?


with all of dick's vitriol i thought for sure he would try to break matthew's weiner.

this time for good.  


anyway...see ya later dick!

good riddance you dirty plot line obstacle/conflict.



then later there is some good news..


 bates got a repreive.

he will get to play the rest of his days out in a gloomy prison.

but at least he's alive!

(tell that to a prisoner. i'm sure you would get shanked)




anna visits bates to deliver this t-shirt i had made special... 

everyone's going to be wearing it next season.

withOUT sleeves thankyouverymuch.



time for the servant's ball!!!

where unlikey duos dance the night away and drink from the same bottle.


what a great opportunity to get your fuck on with a maid..


anna, who has been doing some lurking of her own this episode, spies lord herp derp and rosamund's self righteous maid doin it in probably william's deathbed.  


rosamund don't really give a shit.

she's just pissed her mom was right.

i can say with experience on both ends of that spectrum that that is indeed accurate.


and for what i can only guess is segue purposes.. 

anna and daisy are in the basement playing with that confounded ouija again.

this time it says it hopes they are happy.

who? daisy and anna?

bates and anna?

matthew and mary?

daisy and her new dad?

isis and LG?

cora and LG?

lord herp derp and the maid?




all of them.

sniff sniff


and then finally...


in a magical freezing world...



where sleeves aren't needed..


and no one can see your breath bc you are too pure and lovely to have breath..


it finally happened..

matthew proposed!  


and sealed it with..

 the stiffest, most un-passionate, most stagey gross i am kissing my brother kiss that was ever seen in all of the land.




let's talk.

how did you feel about it?

what do you want to see next season?

what do you NOT want to see next season?




and for your viewing pleasure..

i give you..

the DC's bestest lines.

with special appearances by cousin isobel, dick carlisle and matthew..