i cannot be responsible for the outcome of this post.
last time i checked it was 104 degrees inside my air conditioned house.
the nutella is on lock down (just kidding it's gone).
my underarms smell like onions.
and i don't know how much longer my kid is going to be ok with doing puzzles on the floor.
we gots'to make this quick..
this week the turds are on the jersey shore..
the jersey shore
standing in front of a B&B owned by someone named mr. and mrs. semen
the semens need a little redecorating and decide to enlist the turds to decorate since it's pretty much going to be for free. smart thinking semens! maybe.
the semens
cathy and kevin are a team...OR ARE THEY???
once again chompers doesn't want to do any of the work, just wants to shop for all the furniture and wants to eat some apples alone in her design paddock.
meanwhile kevin stays back and ruins a perfectly good floor..
kevin, to my mind taking on something like white washing a floor when you've never ever done it is sort of putting the cart before the horse...right?
"neeeigh!"
that means yes!
meanwhile karl, meg and mark can't agree on anything..
"i already played my mosaic card...what now what now!!? life is so hard sometimes"
just when you think for sure these 3 are gonna lose..
they find a store with some cute shit in it and a design is born..
look closely...inspiration is happening.
leslie hangs some doormats..
brett gets a cute chair..
kevin passive agressively tells cathy to fuck off..
cathy don't give a shit.
meg buys some ugly fabric..
karl makes some stupid dumb mural moulding of the seashore..
seashore mural of dumbness
cathy hates life and kevin..
mark is making a rope ladder..
"if i close my eyes and think of the sea shore i see ropes"
"when i close MY eyes i see kevin hanging from that rope....and emmy's....and hay"
bret is losing..
no really. he loses.
day 3.
the day of the bromstad.
as in on camera tip day.
as in i don't care day.
as in this is the worst part of this show.
as in i feel like this shit should be done in private.
as in it's like watching your grandma get a pap smear.
day 3.5
judgement day.
vern and genevieve show up.
tanannkiaa introduces the guest judge..
kathy ireland..
since you all know my side job is designing frangrances for celebrities, i feel like now would be a great time to introduce kathy ireland's new frangrance..
it's called: swim meat
scent: chlorine, mission oak, 20% cotton- 87% polyester, arts and crafts, steam, chicken strips, old lipstick, and daisies.
back to the judging..
kathy loves everything.
genevieve loves leslie's rugs.
vern loves sweaters.
collectively they all loved karl, mark and meg's room:
it was my favorite too.
and by favorite i mean the one that didn't make me want to blow shit up.
in its defense..
it was fun.
in its offensiveness..
it was still gimmicky.
in last place was bret and his headboard..
whatever..
6 of one, a half dozen of the other.
6 vern sweaters is still the same as a half dozen candace leather cubes..
6 bromstad art installations, one half dozen antonio treatments.
turd love,
