design turd recap for your face

ummmm...

uhhh.

wow.

haha uhhhh....

let's see....where do i..begin..

 

the turds are kitchen designers this week.

 

there..

i'll start there.

no wait..dreeeeam kitchen designers.

 

yet oddly enough the finished products were um...oh...i don't know..uhhh...fuglarious?

 

they worked in pairs again.

here's a pair:

"here's to sucking!!"

 

 

once the pairs pulled a kitchen layout out of a magic folder they then picked a teapot to inspire their design..

magical inspirational teapots of imagination

 

if it were me i would first smash all the teapots on the floor..

 then i would totes go traditional but i would do euro modern traditional and melt everyone's fucking face off.

 

but no one did anything good at all. 

no one.

at all.

 

 

first of all they got the worst advice ever from king bromstad of colorwheel..

"a kitchen should be vibrant and full of energy."

 ok that's just a fucking opinion king colordong.

 

i say a kitchen should just function practically and be real fucking pretty.

 

anyway..

 

everyone seems to think that green is the most awesome color choice for their kitchen walls..

 

 

but then karl is all..wait...fuck a JUST GREEN KITCHEN!

LET'SADDSOMEORRRRANGEBITCH!!!!

 

because it's so stylish and vibrant and energized to have all the walls different fucking colors of course!

 

 

or as he likes to call it..

 

no really, that's exactly what he called it.

 

 

and cathy don't give a shit..

 

with her cleveland eyes..

"so long as i can style the shit out of it ya'll karl can paint it any colors he wants"

 

 

 kellie is sad that mark won't finish the tile backsplash that she picked out..

 

day 1

 

 day 2.

 

day 3.

 

 "tiling makes me sleepy."


 

meg puts up a peg board of pots and pans..

 meg board

 

"paaahhhhhts"

 

 

tyler shows us that you only need a little bit of backsplash in the kitchen..

global green tiles  

 

 cathy styled it all up like a grocery store..

there was a bowl full of horseraddish (appropriate) and cucumbers (not appropriate)

and a full on bread station.

 

 emily were you stroking out at this point?

 

then came the dreaded camera challenges.

and i say dreaded for me,

BECAUSE I FUCKING HATE WATCHING IT.

 

cathy is so good at the camera challenges bc she speaks into the camera like a robot camera horse that can deliver all the appropriate camera challenge information for the camera.

"here, eat this imaginary apple as your reward!"

 

"nomnomnom neeeigh!!"

 

everyone else sucked.

 

time for judging!!

 

welcome this week's judge!

it's paula deen ya'll!

and that means it's time for my side project..

CeLeBrity FraGRanceS!

 

the paula deen edition.

 

it's called: butt her

scent: butter, butterscotch, scotch, menthols, tugboat steam, french country, aqua net, finger sandwiches,

shrimp shells and benicar

 

paula pretty much hates everything.

and why wouldn't she?

 

first up:

GLOBAL!!

nothing says global like cork floors, a zebra rug, a live edge table and a liberace goes to india piano bench!

 

FARMHOUSE:

nothing says farmhouse like industrial pendants!

 

INDUSTRIAL:

nothing says industrial like dark cabinets, a red wall, his friend yellow wall, and mid century stools!

 

CONTEMPORARY:
nothing says contemporary like buffalo wings and celery sticks!

 

 

the winner of this week's design challege was cathy with her barnload of info delivery in under 60 seconds..

way to go cathy!

"yyyeeeeaah!!!"

 

"i mean neeeeiiigghh!!!!"

 

 

the loser this week was tyler..

 

sorry tyler, there's only room for one gaysian on hgtv...

 

 

 

curveballs

what do you do when your 6 year old decides purple isn't her favorite color anymore 2 days before you start painting her walls a smokey lavender?

instead choosing green as her favorite color?

 

 

 

well if you're me you fashion a mood board real quick like the wing-ed owls of ga'hoole..

the right green is key.

i am scared i will fuck this part up royally.

it needs to be grassy with a side of mint, but not too pale.

i want it to pack some punch.  but a muddy, subtle punch.

 

 

those pagoda-ish side tables are getting gotten on sunday for the earth-shattering low price of $45.

the headboard for $75.

painting will commence thursday....

 

 as for your design turd recap-

well that is NOT coming on the wing-ed owls of ga'hoole.

more like the slow trot of a lame cathy horse.

school starts tomorrow and i have a lot of last minute stuff to do.

most of it will involve hugging my soon to be 1st grader.

 

look for your recap on wednesday.

 

word to your turd bird nerd curd,

just putting it out there on a sunday..

it's raining today. 

ahhh sweet sweet rain.

cooling off the devil's armpit that is the south.

 

can we talk school supplies for a minute?

target raped me this morning.

$124 for a 1st grader?!!

glue, pencils, ziplocks, pencil cases, shit, poop, stuff, glue sticks, pee sticks, crayons, paper, binders with prongs, prongs with tabs, tabs with nuts, gold and silver, the lost arc of the covenant?

shit be expensive.

 

and then in a pee drinking twist of fate all that shit will be used to make 6000 art projects and drawings that will come back to me in her little pronged notebook that i can't bear to throw away so that a level 5 hoarding situation starts to happen.  where is the justice in that? 

 

but not to be outdone by school supplies, UNIFORMS be expensive too.

polos, logos, chinos, mesh shorts, privacy shorts, jumpers, plaid, black shoes, brown shoes, skorts, farts and sharts, belts and beaver pelts. 

 

the good news is that with fiona back in school..

 home projects can resume, starting with fiona's room and ending with my dining room..

a not pocket raping ikea pendant is going to get a coat of aubergine paint.

the walls are going to get a coat of peachy pink.

a couple of inexpensive ebay sconces similar to the ones in the board will be added.

a super awesome craigslist deal in that chinese glass front cabinet to store my pretties and uglies.

the rest is already mine.

 

fiona's room is a secret.

but i will tell you there is yellow pom pom fringe involved and these:

 

 

 

as you were.

 

done looking **now with updates..

 this is it..

the world's most awesome kitchen.

 

close up of awesome bits:

it's perfectly sized.

not too big not too small.

is that the fridge with those brass handles?

bananarama.

the floor.

the fireplace.

the symmetry those windows are giving me.

the brass kickplates/baseboards whatever you call it..

the skylight.

it's all so good.

OH! and look at the dishwasher handle!

she/they obviously had shit custom fitted..

 

i love it. 

don't you?

 

here's more house..

 

i give it 4 house hearts. 

(the highest you can get is 5)

 

 

***updates- the cabinets are from ikea. the unlacquered brass hardware was found in vintage shops and on ebay 

 

after you leave a comment telling me how many house hearts you give this house..

go over to LA MAISON BOHEME and see my guest post on what my outside world would look like if money were no object.

there is a poop tree!

actually it's a brownie tree but it looks like a poop tree. 

plus it's little charlie's birthday and he just had brain surgery.

but he's home and doing great!

CLICK HERE.

 

 

images via canadian house and home

recasting NYC housewives..

here is the lineup..

 

frankenberry

"i play the violin and i have berries for fingernails, nobody better mess with me"

 

 

toast

"toast is NEVER inauthentic"

 

 

 

bert michaels

"i have a taste for luxury (and vaginas) and luxury has a taste for me"

 

 

the honey badger

"i just take what i want"

 

 

 

magda from sex and the city

 

 

magda from there's something about mary

"there's more than one magda in this town. see above" 

 

 

 

daula dabdul

"i look like paula abdul and my name is daula dabdul"

 

coming soon i think.