if this makes you puke then i did my job. if not then you must have your own house of poop to deal with.

everyone says their husband's shit smells the worst in the universe.

but i am here to tell you that nothing compares to the assfire of rotten dead animal with diarrhea on top 

that comes out of mike's butthole. 

 

and the worst part is his toilet is close to where i work and where my nose is.

so i am literally sitting in a cloud of gag inducing shitvomit smell for at least 45 minutes...

the smell is slow to dissipate, hilariously!!!!!

 

and i don't give a shit if you're eating.

i don't care if this is too much for your senses.

deal with it.

i have to.

 

while you sit in your glorious smell-free cubicle of life please know that in order to bring you the prettiest

pictures i can find i have to endure the smell of a 1000 dead bodies covered in dead body diarrhea with diarrhea butt sauce.

every single GD morning.

 

 

here you go..

just mah summer house..

 

 

just the tub in mah summer house..

 

 

just mah winter house..

 

 

enter.. throw your shit (gently) on my platner..

 

we meet through there for chestnut roasting and congnac sipping around 8:00..

 

 

casual fireside dinners every night..

need a basket?  i got you covered..

 

 

feel like readin a book?

this is my favorite spot.

 

 

this is where i sleep.

don't worry you get pratesi linens too...

 

 

your cozy sleeping quarters..

mary and baby jesus got yer back.

 

 

marble encrusted tub for your bathing needs.

 

just don't go in after mike.

 

 

 

halloween costume of the day..

 

jane eyre.

 

now how to convince a 6 year old girl to be an abused and penniless orphan who sees ghosts and who's best and only friend dies of consumption at a young age leaving her all alone and then moves into a haunted castle as governess where she falls in love with a man who eventually asks her to marry him only to find he is married to someone else at which point she leaves broken hearted and travels through england trading her clothes for food, comes back to the castle only to find it burned to the ground and the love of her life blind and cuhraaaazeeee.

 

should be easy enough.

 

 

also-

one of my super fresh secrets announced on FRIDAY!!!

c'mon back.

 

 

and tomorrow i will choose a best dream winner with my bare hands!!

so also come back tomorrow. and friday. 

so come back both days.

but really come back every day.

 

 

 

 costume available here.

 

sharing dreams and things..

you know your day will be good when you wake up from a night full of riding ron swanson through the airport like a gorilla.  

if you have to ask who ron swanson is you are dead to me.

go get with the program.

anyway..

it was like what breathing air must feel like after being trapped in a coffin all night long. (it can happen)

or like a sip of water after 4 days in a desert. (also happens- ask border patrol)

don't ask me why.

it just was.

it was motherfuckingronswanson.

 

anyhow.

 

i have this reocurring dream...

usually this portion of dreamtime comes right after my "weird" dream..

it's almost like it's my safe place of dreams.

 

 where my mind goes after something really strange or weird happens.

aka riding ron swanson like a gorilla..

 

it's in a very cool mall.

no mall i have ever actually been in.  

just a really BIG mall with the best mall stores.

zara, h&m, forever 21, pella shoes, merry-go-round, orange julius, the wild pair..

you know..THE BEST! 

 

in this dream i am usually in a hurry.

once i was chasing nene from RHOATL on roller skates.

and it's ALWAYS a good time..

but i have to get through this mall somehow..quickly..

i have to enter it and exit it.

i never buy anything..

but i still somehow love being there just the same.

i am always alone.

and i am just in a happy place...despite being in a hurry and not buying anything.

 

last night the airport turned into the mall and ron swanson turned into dust.

 

what is your recurring dream?

share it.

winner gets a small painting..

 

i am awesome on a monday. 

 

 

best booties ever..

 

yeah..FUCK yeah...

 

 

i am in love with them in an i would wear them everywhere with everything way.

 

i meeeaaan.

 

lookit how cute they are on alexa..

 

 

 

i seriously die for them so hard.

tears of happy anticipation for them being on my feet.

 

so i went to madewell and that shit is gone gone gone.

 

first of all they are originally over 300 dollars.

which pretty much blows them out of my budget anyway.

 on ebay they are going for twice that and now my tears are of the sad variety.

 

they were so perfect.

a heel, but not too high that i can still throw them on with my jean shorts and not look like a tramp.

wear them with a dress.

wear them with jeans.

wear them with leggings.

wear them for life.

 

so...now one of you has to find something similar for me.

no wedge.

no stiletto.

 

thank you internet friends.

 

here is something to put a kick in your step while you are searching for them for me..

 

 

 

so many secrets..

 i'm like the secret keeper of secret island.

 

yesterday i had a photoshoot.

mostly for the blog..new look coming soon.

but also for something kinda cool and contest-y and funola.

stay tuned for more info on that..

 

here are a few of our favorites..

that's a lot of boob.

 

 

i love this one if i didn't have more than one neck fat roll and chins and eye luggage.

i am clutching HB for you newelly.

 

 

 

i am totes naked.

and now probably the owner of butt lice.

 

where i am posing in these photos is a clue to another surprise that i will tease you with again on monday but totally fill you in next friday.

 

SEECCRETS!!!

seacrest.

out?

 

 

photography lords of sapelo