a new week full of hope + AHS recapping

 it's monday!

a new week ya'll!

a week of possibilities and a chance encounter of a 3 way with the dudes from immortals.

not really.  but maybe really. anything's possible with a positive attitude!

our family is on the road to wellness so i am in a particularly good mood today.

also though i don't encourage the stomach virus diet it is a great way to lose a quick 5-10 lbs.

in my case it was 8.

there is none of that pesky hunger and cravings bullshit...just straight up nausea for 2 solid weeks.

so if anyone wants me to suck on a lollipop and send it to you in the mail just say the word!

it's all the rage right now.

now..

onto why you are here.

american horror story recaps!

things i learned:

cam hates pigs.

 pregnant women should eat brains.

and i can totally get a psychic off of craigslist. 

 and

there is no way in hell you would find me inside of anyone's bathroom let alone the MURDER house bathroom (sidenote- i don't believe for one second that a guy who knows every single urban legend horror story wouldn't be abreast of the fact that his sexy therapist held his practice inside murder house usa. not one second)

anyway...no way in hell i would play "here piggy pig pig" with the lights out in that GD bathroom.

or any bathroom. unless i was 12.

and that's only bc at 12 your head is usually pretty far up your own ass and therefore blinded by such pig person murderer realities.

also if jessica lange doesn't win an emmy i will Occupy the Red Carpet.

ok so..let's recap..

a very uneasy episode this week, eh?

the whole columbine parallel was a little too much, even for me.

on the one hand i thought,

some disturbed, emotionally immature teenager is gonna be like...yeah..kill my school!!

i was torn..

bc on the other hand that made for some real fucking scary shit.

too scary maybe.

the pee on the floor bit was just not ok.

but for our purpose of wanting this show to be as scary as possible...

this week disturbed the ever loving diarrhea out of me. 

so WIN!

 during the whole shootout scene i was like...that tate asshole!!!!!!

but then when he was sad and apparently in denial about what he had done i was like..

awww... poor little tater tot.

talk about mind games, ryan murphy you slut!

speaking of teen sluts..

finally violet uses her smarts and utilizes panic google to find out that zombie glee kids weren't actually in halloween costumes picking on her boyfriend.

nope..they were ghosts!

and so is her boyfriend.

surprise..

you did it with a ghost.

lucky you.

all demi got was some soft core pottery sessions.

once violet realizes her life is over she walks downstairs calling for her mommy only to find jessica at the table smoking cigarettes.

jessica lange at this point could give 3000 fucks about violet's problems.

she just needs tate to stay put at murder house.

she tells violet to come over to her house bc she has something to show her.

and that something is a sexy craigslist psychic medium.

as if.

both jessica and puffy lips medium (new rap name!) are all..

listen, you need to understand you have been chosen.

the ghosts have chose your ass, be one with it and all will be well.

at this point there is some old lady grandma ghost memory and violet freaks out and leaves.

up next vivian is rubbing her demon hooved baby belly in a dream.

when she wakes up she's scared and presses the rent-a-cop button (where can i get one of these please? while were at it a rent-a-doctor would save me A LOT of panic google time)

and then poof!  

there is hot chocolate all up in her face with the eyes and the smile and the skin and the uniform and the muscles.

she is ready to maybe make out with him when her deadbeat husband walks in and cock blocks everything.

she is visibly disappointed.

but she then proceeds to tell him that she is disgusted by his face and that after his last session of the day he better leave so she can have alone time with her sexy thoughts, basically.

 after this we see derek aka cam from modern family talking about how he's scared of every urban legend out there..

like pigs who murder you when you call them in a mirror.

i had never heard of this one before.

eric stonestreet was amazing.

he officially creeped me and endeared me.

ben tells derek he needs to go home and practice saying it the mirror and the only way he will grow and get over his fear is if he can get through it.

without getting slaughtered obvs.

bc if he got slaughtered by a pig man, well then..not such a life milestone.

back in the kitchen..

viv recieves a big ol package of raw organs from constance.

she tells cock-eyed moira to cook it all up with some buttersauce.

bc pregnant ladies need to eat shit like that.

and much to viv's surprise it is super delicious!

 meanwhile..

violet being the ignorant asshole teenager that she is decides the best way to handle her ghost situation is to cut her arm up with a razor blade and take some pills.

tate to the rescue again!

he gagged that bitch and gave her a nice hot shower.

some shit happens.

more shit happens..

ghost in the shower..

violet goes to the school and asks about tate..

moira gets sort of fired..

viv eats a brain..

WAAAIT!!!

fuckmeinmyfacesheeatsafreshjuicybloodsoakedbrain!

like mainlines it!

so

so

so

grawesome!

(gross + awesome)

then viv goes to see the baby tech that passed out at the contents of her uterus.

in a church bc it was her safeplace.

where she tries rather pathetically to convince viv that her baby has hooves and a tail.

i mean come on...who's gonna believe a crazy fucker like that.

if i were the tech here's what would have gone down..

me the tech: ok, let's have a look here inside your belly (smiles warmly)

viv: ok this is so exciting.

me the tech: (talking to self) let..me..just..get a little of this..cold..goop..on..THERE...ok..

HOLYFUCKINGMOTHEROFASS!!

do you see this shit?

what the hell?

(turns monitor around to show viv)

viv: HOLYFUCKINGMOTHEROFASS!!!

WHAT IS THAT!?!?!?

and scene.

so anyway..

the tech is obviously a lunatic so anything that she says is not credible in viv's mind.

obviously my way just doesn't create good tv tension.

ok.

so we still aren't sure what's going on in there.

over in cam's bathroom we see him about to overcome his fear of being murdered by a pig headed monster..

unfortunately for him there is a robber in his tub shower who clearly doesn't like to be called a pig.

and then kablammo..

bullet into cam's forehead.

and in the emmy winning moment of the night..

constance and her CL medium communicating with addie.

constance tells her dead daughter how pretty she was and stuff and it was sad.

more stuff happens..

tate get's blown to bits by a swat team..

tate and violet spoon and it's over.

the end.

any revelations this week?

here's something..

the frankenbaby that the doctor was sewing together had hooves..

right?

so what if that baby is the baby inside of viv?

it's a total ghost baby frankenpig!

a day of disappointments for all of us

first disappointment of the day..

the lonny nov/dec issue.

this was all the holiday i got??

sorry guys...this issue made me cry.

i was soooo looking forward to it too.

it was frightfully bland, no?

and the second disappointment of the day...

no american horror story recap.

 and here's why...

first of all...

sometimes i get flack from readers who don't like me to talk about butt pee and throw up chunks.

i understand. it's gross. but it's real life too sometimes.

so if you are one of those people you might want to walk away from your computer right now.

though you should know that this is serious and maybe you could help our family.

but if you are gaggy by nature then fine...go...just know that i hate you.

for the rest of you listen up and get your helping words ready..

since fiona came down with a stomach bug 14 days ago (yes i'm counting..how else in the wee hours of the morning can i google learn all of the diseases and facts?) everyone in our house has had some form of this illness.

remember the other day when i asked about grape juice and butt water?

i read in my "research" (aka panic googling) that grape juice will kill a stomach virus before it starts.

so, apparently, will black tea and honey, apple cider vinegar, baking soda and hydrogen peroxide (not together unless you want a science project to happen inside of you), heavy doses of vitamin C...etc..

and yes..

i tried some of those things.

i seemed to have escaped (so far) any real debilitating sickness.

more "research" tells me that the stomach bug usually has an incubation period of 24 to 48 hours.

 while others said they have caught it as late as 9 days after exposure.

so obviously the countdown was on like D Kong.

(please tell me i am not the only asshole who panic googles and then turns into a lunatic)

then yesterday, mike was hit with severe intestinal cramping and diarrhea.

i mean severe.

like stick a hose in you, point it toward your anus and then turn it on full blast with the power washer apparatus.

he has had it for 24 hours non stop.

my symptoms have been weirder.

i have had this strange ulcer type of feeling..

i say ulcer bc of more obvious "research".

it's essentially a constant gnawing  type of pain that feels like hunger only i have had almost no appetite and when i set out to eat something i take one bite and am all...this is gross, blech.

the good news is i have probably lost 6 lbs just bc i am not eating very much.

but honestly, i would rather be fat and happy than skinny and miserable. 

maybe.

i don't want to go to a doctor yet bc i don't have insurance.

so i turn to you...my internet reader doctors.

what is going on?

ask me anything.

ask me the color of our poop.

it's all different.

i don't particularly LIKE to talk about this sort of thing..i would rather talk about how awesome lonny was but it wasn't. 

how could mike get this virus 13 days after he was first exposed?

do i have an ulcer?

is it just a long lasting virus?

what do you know of that will help me?

why is the internet the true real devil?

why did lonny suck so bad?

let's get it going..

don't be mean.

be nice and helpful.

or i will continue to talk about poop forever. 

pinnies..

i think for your pinterest needs..

 that wall looks like a painting.

a jolly shade of green.

 tiny portraits.

also..blood?

fiona would love that in her room.

she is obsessed with vampires.

awesome nook.

not awesome stomach virus poop walls.

those chairs and that rug.

i can't stop staring at the rug.

my favorite nursery by a mile.

a closer look at that cool painting and animal menagerie.

 a delightful mix..

frankly you could stick just about anything in this room and it would look good.. 

i need to see more of this room..

anyone know where it comes from?

in case you didn't know, nov/dec lonny comes out today.

some things to think about..

working on a slight zshushing of the bedroom..

this of course stemmed from the fact that i desperately need new sheets.

i already have a great big coral puffy quilt and i love lavender with coral..so BAM!

lavender sheets.

already have the lamps, just need new shades.

window shades are being made as we speak.

just need a brass headboard and a 5,000 dollar rug

and i'm all set.

JK!

i would NEVER buy a 5000 dollar rug bc i have 4 cats and they will pee all over it 1000 times.

anyone know of a rug that is exactly like this but pee resistant?

also..

this show melts my face off...

so fucking INSPIRED!!!

it was nice to finally hear the "cocktail" of pills kim has been taking.

i love it when people who use drugs that are prescribed by doctors seem to think they are not using drugs somehow and that it's ok.

we aren't talking 1 antidepressant here folks.  

so don't get your panties all ruffled.

this bitch is toxic.

 basically she is a legal junkie.

new light was shed on paul for me this week.

how he puts up with that passive aggressive bitch adrienne is beyond me.

i hope he has a side piece.

slowly but surely.

if you haven't read it already,

please read this..

because it's awesome. 

p.s.

seances are the new BBQ's.

thanksgiving at grandma's..

 but what if this was your grandma's house...

painted yellow floors.

giant architectual salvage pieces.

handblown glass chandelier.

not a doily in sight.

 it belongs to liza sherman, NY septuagenarian antiquarian...

she's pretty badass.

i love the way she painted out the windows to look like some kind of window treatment.

how cool is that?

you could totally steal that idea.

the house overall is not at all my taste..

it looks like the most uncomfortable house in the history of houses...

and frankly there's just too much shit..

 

like a junk shop, with a lot of cool junk.

or like one big art installation.

don't get me wrong, there are elements inside that i would gladly carry over into my house..

like those chairs for one...

and that turtle painting up there.

even her bed looks hard.

lord have mercy i'll take that bench too.

i give it 2 1/2 out of 4 station wagons to grandma's house..

you?

read the article here.

mondumb

sometimes all of the times when i am sick nothing gets done.

specifcally, everything.

first of all i was too sick to watch american horror story for 3 days so i couldn't recap it.

then when i finally did watch it i was like, this is dumb and boring.

what am i going to recap?

how much i hated zombie glee kids?

how come i still don't know what the shit is inside of viv's womb? 

am i the only one who was disappointed that the dog didn't really explode in the microwave?

and why doesn't anyone even consider for one second that the house is haunted?

and can sexy sexual chocolate cop please PLEASE PLEASE PLEEEASE be the rubber suit guy?

that would take this show to a whole other level.

for everyone.

i guess some might say, well at least we know for sure that tate is constance's son, but to that i say big deal...

i knew that in episode ONE!

basically this episode was like if the tuesday night glee kids did a play about ghosts.

you better bring the shit next week.

so it's monday..

and now i have 4000 emails to respond to.

paintings to paint and ship.

and house things to consider.

#1 on the list of house things to consider is this..

we are (mike is) going to paint our house.

the exterior.

i would show you a pic of it but then i would be inviting rapers and baby stealers to my house.

not gonna do it.

but i will tell you a little bit about it..

it was built in 1923.

it's technically in the craftsman style but not full on craftsman looking.

1 story, slate colored roof tiles.

lots of windows..

kind of like this:

not my house rapers

this house has recently been remodeled and ours hasn't 

but there are similarities.

no railing though.

big porch just like that, similar columns with red brick bases.

however the columns are more brick than wood.

anyway..

here's what i am thinking..

all white. pure white.

with a darker white trim.

kind of like this..

or will the dark colored roof throw the whole look off?

 maybe i should just go with white everywhere, like this..

and this..

see i would paint the brick white too.

all white.

i KNOW white is hard to maintain.

i know it.

shit gets dirty.

i have a hose.

i'd like your opinions on this matter.

you've seen the fake house, tell me your thoughts.

but i warn you..

if ANYONE suggests a color like beige, khaki, olive green, dusty blue, confederate blue or any other craftsman type color i will put on a rubber suit and come to your house and stick your head in the microwave and explode you.