the smoking clam and other observations

 this one...

she's the best kind of crazy.

i tolerate kyle bc she says things that normal girls say...

but every time i see her twirl her fucking horse tail i wanna stab my mom in the throat.

(jk mom i would NEVER stab you in the throat)

shame that pandora got ken's looks.

HAHAHAHAAAAHHAH HA HA HAAAAA!!!!

do you think she looks at these images and regrets her face?

i enjoy brandi and her nips.

kyle is a bully.

what is the clam's problem?

i mean, what is at the root of all of this?

are we expected to believe that this is all bc her husband was abusive?

is this a marketing ploy to get us all to buy her dumbass book?

please.

i'd rather read kim's.

talk it out.

leftovers

thank you so much for the birthday wishes yesterday.

i felt popular.

and as we all know that's the only feeling in the world that matters.

sadly when i came home from the whole foods with supplies for ad hoc cupcakes

i started to get a chill.

then a full blown fever with aches.

then i cried into my softened butter.

somewhere between 6 and 7 the fever vanished.

still achey but no more fever.

i SUSPECT it might have been old mr. detox.

for those of you swishing..

there is a thing i found called a herxheimer effect.

essentially when you are detoxing your toxins say fuck you right now with this..and go into panic mode,

bc all of the bad shit is dying off.

your body gets burdened with a toxic overload, that is too much for it to handle..

hence a fever, aches, chills, nausea, headache, swollen glands etc..

you can read more about herx and all the awesome side effects here.

the good news is it's likely NOT an actual infection per se..

so it should pass relatively quickly.

the bad news is it sucks donkey balls and ruins birthdays.

honestly the BEST part of my shit birthday was the many comments i read from you guys wishing me birthday love.

so thank you.

and happy birthday to all of my fellow sagittarians.

anyway..

here are some leftovers from the birthday favorites category..

BAM! just like that some pink and purple and chocolate all up in your face.

bringing it back down with some cream and white and black.

YSL's stuff.

ahhhhhh...

dark and stormy with a side of quirk.

delightful as ever.

a 1-2 punch..

come to think of it..

POW..

KABLAMMO..

KERSPLONK...

nathan turner bringing it for amanda peet.

all still awesome.

yep.

yes.

an entry way!!

i'll never forget...

shut. it. down. steven.

that's all for now.

it's fun revisiting old favorites.

word to your donkey turd.

all images via pinterest via elle D, domino, house B, lonny, abigail ahern, habitually chic

my birthday and my favorites

yep friends.

it's my birthday.

i have already opened my jacquie lawson E card of a dog digging in some ivy and shit.

i have already opened my cookbook present.

and now i present to you some of my favorite rooms that i like for long time...

i still love you domino purple and black and peach room.

yes.

not sure how i'll feel about you in a few years but i like you a lot right now.

the chairs with the books and the gray.....good.

i have the exact same doors.  even the knobs.  except only one of mine is black..

bc i am a lazy asshole who needs to be karate chopped.

in any case i LOVE this entrance hall area place.

yard gathering.

mmm...yes.

stop the madness.

 best kitchen ever i think.

yes. for sure.

this bathroom shreds my heart into pulled-heart sandwiches.

nursery finery.

triple hearts club.

this sings to my inner rainmain.

a big, striped hug.

and so began my love of rust velvet.

and so began my love of blue velvet.

englishy forever.

yes.  i would suck on a chicken pox lolli-pop just to call this my sickbed.

KERPPLOOOWWWW!!!!!!

that's enough.

there's like a thousand more but i got bored.

now..

for those of you pulling your oils i have some updates...

i feel better.

more energy.

sleeping like a horse after a race.

but..

i am zitty.

i am pretty sure that it's just wine and nutella coming out of my skin.

oh and i have the weirdest taste in my throat...

like old boogers.

anyone else?

i know zdub got a bloody nose.

respect.

old hippie birthday farts,

room of tears..aka the bathroom after mike drops potatoes aka where the pope keeps his box (that's what she said)

well friends..

it would appear ben is coming around.

it would also appear tate's peen is a horcrux for voldemort.

interesting theories abound in this epsidoe..

thank goodness.

since they blew their wads with all of our questions answered in last week's epsiode

it was cool of them to add in new head scratchers.

so grab your nitrous oxide cans and let's recap this fucker!

the screen tell us it's 1947..

a cab pulls up outside murder house and out walks mena subaru (slut from american pie.)

(american beauty whatever)

she mosies ('walking' in 1947) up to the front door and knocks.

some dentist opens the door.

we see her in his office and she's insinuating that he can have sex with her in exchange for some dental work.

that happend a lot back then.

women just didn't have their own money and life stuff.

essentially if you weren't married you were a hooker.

i just made that up but it's probably true.

anyway..

the dentist tells her she needs to take the carnation out of her hair and she's all..

umm..it's a dahlia.

cuz...

she's the black dahlia.

 a few moments later..

we see a woman walking her daughter in a stroller, the little girl goes..

"what's that mommy?"

"oh just a mannequin.. wait a seecc..."

yeah, not a mannequin.

just a human woman chopped in half wearing a glasgow smile,

looking like a tim burton movie.

 back in modern times..

hot moira is making the bed and ben is like stop acting like an asshole slut

and make my daughter a sandwich.

moira's like you know you want this

and ben's like, um yeah..kinda..but i can't bc i love my wife.

moira looks like someone just told her she looked like frances conroy with a lazy eye.

and ben's space in hell just got a little bit more comfortable.

next door constance is mainlining teascotch while she paints what i think was adam and eve only adam was a fucking horrifying monster with half of his face missing.

was it larry burny face?

in walks viggo boyfreinsen (aka travis) with his hair and face perfection.

constance tells him to go get her some smokes from the korean and to take the dog with him.

once outside we see crayden standing there.

she starts to talk to travis and is like let's do sex.

somewhere in a bed they are sexing each other and he's like..

oooooops!

i just came inside you.

and cray's like...who cares i can't get pregnant.

travis hi-5's his peen.

crayden says she just wanted to see if she could do it with a guy who's alive.

OBSERVATION:

ghosts can fuck you.

next up is the introduction of crayden's bitch of a sister.

right off the bat she smells something fishy and it's not travis's weiner.

and then in walks crayden.

to defend her ben.

see look...i'm not dead or missing.

here i am.

OBSERVATION:

ghosts are just like us.

crayden continues on with..oh, i love you and i was a crazy bitch..sorry for being such a crazy bitch.

i ended up getting that pesky abortion after all..blah blah blah..

then ben's in his office and in walks the black D.

she's trying her old song and dance numbah.

ben's like, do you have an appointment?

you're so pretty.

she's like..

i am?

she moves in for some sex.

ben sees the sex in his mind's sex eye.

then the phone rings and it's that slut ass bitch ass slut doctor. 

she's got some KABLAMMO to share..

viv's twins are the result of vitropaternachakalaka-something.

2 different baby daddies.

that is some soap opera shit if ever i did hear.

then constance storms into murder house with a bone to pick with violet.

she smelled some piznussy on her man and assumed it was violet.

really?

come on constance...you's smarter than that.

moira's like, hey guess what!?

mrs. harmon's babies have 2 different dads!

constance storms off looking for tate.

she knoooooows!!

a mother knows!

she finds tate in the basement (of course)

and proceeds to beat him about the head and neck like a mom boss.

back in ben's office ghost lesbian love is happening all over the couch.

oh ben.

even i would have given you a pass here.

jump in there!

shit like that NEVER happens in real life.

but alas..

ben is changing right before our eyes.

he tells black D to get out and moira that she's fired.

a few minutes later cray cray saunters in and wins best condescender...

telling black D all about how famous she really is.

we flashback to the dentist's office..

black D is in the chair and

 the dentist is on top of her like a honey badger..

taking what it wants.

only she's still wearing the nitrous mask or whatever it is..

(that i could use around here)

 he finishes up and then tries to wake her only..

guess what stupid???

she's dead.

not to worry here comes ghost doctor charles  

to cut her into scraps.

OBSERVATION:

 the ghosts can kill.

QUESTION:

how did cray know this?

moving on..

ben is visting viv in her concentration camp style room.

i am close to certain that he's about to tell viv that he believes that she was raped and how sorry he is and please let me get you out of here..

sadly he doesn't actually think any of this.

instead he calls her a slutty slut.

ben and cray get drunk in a bar.

blah blah you're so funny when you dance..

this song is so white...blah blah..

i have a crush..

blah blah..

then poof they are in the gazebo.

cray's like..it's written in the stars 

OBSERVATION:

written in the stars=foreshaddowing 

ben's like..nah..i don't love you.

crayden's like..whaaaaa???!!!

 then you should know that some black guy has been hanging around your house a lot. 

 BAM!

she just planted the morris chestnut seed.

meanwhile constance wants to get married and have a baby with travis.

constance's most not smartest moment.

he says oh man..that's lame and gay.

i'm way too awesome to not be famous.

constance is superpissed and says he's no man and that he'll never be famous.

OBSERVATION:

more foreshaddowing.

anyway..

travis is so mad he needs to hate fuck crayden.

cray stabs him repeatedly.

nobody hate fucks crayden.

then a gaggle of ghosts appears in the basement to decide what to do with trav's corpse.

dr. charles is like..i know JUST what to do with him!

i will slice him black dahlia style.

cut to a bunch of brothers somewhere not so safe looking playing basketball..

one of them chases a runaway ball right to travis's sliced up remains..

and just like that travis is FAMOUS!!!!!

next we see constance visting viv in cell block slut.

constance asks about the baby.

bab-IES! corrects viv.

constance is all..i am a champ at raising kids.

viv plays the sick card and tells constance to FO.

constance says that being doubted ravages the soul.

viv suddenly has a change of heart and tells her that she was raped.

but don't tell the fam...

they need to think i've seen the error of my crazy brain eating ways.

constance zips up her mouth and throws away the key.

which is bullshit for...bitch i will rat you out in a minute and steal your babies.

 next we see smoke-when-i'm-stressed-ben fiddling with the rent-a-cop alarm and in walks

morris chestnuts (resting in my open mouth)

looking all chestnutty.

ben smokes his way through a stupid speech about luke being the father of one of viv's babies.

luke proceeds to put that m'fer in his place saying..no i shoot blanks but should that baby be mine i damn sure would take care of it, but it's not and what do you care anyway you just called your wife a liar and a whore.

peace out.

ben stands holding rubber suit mask in his hands when moira rounds the corner with all her lazy sexy come-on's...

seriously i love the way she barely tries by the end of this episode.

ben asks moira if she saw anything weird..

she's like who cares?

you're a douchebag.

he admits to maybe making a horrible mistake about his wife..

and then my jaw dropped a little bc young moira became old moira..

she says.."you're finally starting to see things as they are"..

which is to say he sees a wrinkly old slut instead of a young hot slut.

and then shit starts to get REALLY weird..

next door constance and the craigslist psychic are having some cake and tea.

the rest of the show goes down like this:

constance: can ghosts have babies?

billie ray psychic: (shrugs) mmnknow.

but the pope has a magic box. it's in the chamber of secrets and 

the secret is the end of days.

indiana jones: no. you're thinking about the holy grail and the temple of doom.

harry potter: no it's the sorcerer's stone and it's in the 3rd floor ladies room.

constance: would you two like some bundt cake?

indiana jones and harry potter: yes, please. 

billie ray psychic: NO YOU TOTAL SLUTS!  i'm talking about the immaculate conception with the devil's dong. 

voldemort: yes. exactly.

constance: smell this bundt cake voldy..

voldemort: i can't i don't have a nose.

 and scene.

what say you? 

how do you feel about the religious angle being thrown in?

a part of me is like, that is the only way to go bc it leaves things in such a could be/couldn't be scenario. 

plus nothing's more controversial than religion.

and then the good and evil aspect doesn't get more literal than this.

spill it sluts!

december is so glittery

lots of things go down in december..

my birthday for one.

and also fiona's birthday..

and jesus's too.

a triumvirate of awesome if ever there was.

before you get your AHS recap (and it will be a doozy)

you need to chomp on this bit of glittery december goodness..

1/2/3/4/5/6/7/8/9/10/11/12/13/14/15/16

and for more moodboard magic visit tobe at because it's awesome so that you can see the living room i designed for her.  she bought a painting from me that i used as inspiration.

here.

on the swishing front..

i am on day 4.

i have read that it's better to actually do it every day than to skip a day.

so..i changed my plan.

i woke up today with a headache and my eyes feel like suitcases.

how are you guys doing?

stay tuned for your recap..

and many thanks for the outpouring of awesome comments yesterday.

it was the lift i needed to bring you the dumbest recap possible.

i might even draw something.

glittery oil farts,

top image via atlanta homes mag

my apple of anguish

some of you assholes want recaps from me.

in fact a few of you have taken the time from your day to actually email me personally and demand the recaps.

i want to do recaps for you.

but sometimes life comes first...

things like swishing oil around your mouth and googling the pros and cons.

things like cyber monday and sticking lights in a jar and calling it christmas.

things like painting paintings for clients and hating them and painting over them and then crying bc i feel like an elephant painting with her trunk.

that takes T I M E.

recaps also take time.

and that is time that no one is paying me for.

and sometimes only 4 of you comment on my recaps.

four.

i am like that pretty girl up there.

don't make me get all my fucking glitter make-up on and my cowgirl costume and my spray tan and destroy the ozone layer with my use of AquaNet for 4 comments..

pony up bitches.

i work hard for my paid-in-beer comments.

and thank you a lot to the 4 of you that consistently comment.

you are the wind beneath my farts.

so some of you probably already watched last night's epsiode..

i don't watch til thursday.

 so a recap of last night's show will be tomorrow.

unless there are only 4 comments.

then i will cry into my tea with constance.

here is last week's recap..

1. 

this episode was heavy.

2 of my biggest life fears were hit upon..

a. everyone thinking i am crazy and admitting me to the looney bin instead of just recognizing i am having a hard time and maybe needing a little xanax throughout the day and possibly a hug.

it was at this point that i reeaally wanted ben to die HARD. (without clothes on)

and

b. my own daughter not defending me and turning on me.  like a stab through the heart with a knife dipped in poison. 

i'll take a rubber suit raping over that any day.

so...

this episode we learned rubber suit was actually tate.

he was my #2.

my number 1 was of course sexual chocolate, but that was more fantasy than anything.

so yeah..tate.

it's so shakespearian.

if shakespeare were from the south.

in tate's defense he really didn't know violet so well yet as the harmon's just moved in.

he felt sorry for nora that's all.

she was like, gimme my baby.

and he was all..ok, let me go make one for you.

that mom lady upstairs is horny all the time she will totes do it with me in a rubber suit.

no one will be the wiser.

speaking of rubber suits..

we also learn the origin of the rubber suit.

chad (zachary quinto) is having a leisurly lunch at everyone's favorite outdoor cafe

telling some woman that his boyfriend is into S&M.

who isn't?..says she..

go with it she says.

chad is now in a very well appointed sex shop and somewhere in the universe is something called the apple of anguish. 

i guess it's something you stick up your butt that hurts real hard.

chad buys the rubber suit instead.

his loss.

he then goes home and tries to seduce his boyfriend.

blah blah blah all i seee at this point is more man butt.

that thing is juicy.

then nora and crayden are plotting to make viv crazy and steal her babies.

at this point i should mention that the time frame in this episode was all over the place and that confused me.

crayden starts fucking with viv by breaking shit.

rubber tate almost kills chad in the apple bobbing bucket,

beats the shit out of cowboy patrick and then drags his ass downstairs to firepoke his butt to death.

nora comes downstairs and says that this is so wrong.

it TOTALLY IS NORA!

rubber tate is like yeah, but, now a new family will move in and maybe they will have some babies.

wait.

back up.

HE BEAT HIS ASS TO DEATH AND THEN SHOVED A FIRE POKER IN HIS GLORY HOLE UNTIL IT BLED!

this happened on your tv.

my eyes fell out of my head and went to the phone and dialed a suicide hotline.

ben and violet have some words.

old moira is in the kitchen telling vivian she's not crazy.

and that guys are assholes and will try to fingerbang you if you start giving them side eyes.

she recounts the origin of the word hysteria and tells her how men invented this word as a way to 

help them understand periods.

sidenote:  this is totally true btw.

women are awesome.

we are intuitive and we are emotional and we bleed out of our pee bug once a month and this is scary to dudes.

bc they are the total opposite and they don't understand it so they try to fix it like a flat tire.

a long time ago when men were REAL dumb they would lock us up or burn us at the stake.

now they just roll their eyes and ask us if we are perioding. 

walk away men...

just walk. away.

anyway..

old moira also tells viv that the shit that's happening inside the house is actually happening.

viv races to wake violet and tells her they are going to aunt jo's.

once inside the car a couple of ghosts are hanging out in the back seat.

both viv and vi see them and run back inside the house.

they see ben and ben does his annoying psycho-diagnosing that makes viv want to "bash his goddamn face in".

duh.

she tells ben about the ghosts and then turns to violet to defend her..

and then..

well..

my heart sinks. 

later violet and tate are basking in the glow of "intense" teenage sex.

in the basement crayden tries to get on tate's vertical stick.

tate's like no, i just had sex and i'm in love.

the next day marcy comes over and viv steals her gun.

later that night viv is getting ready for sex bed, wearing a super sexy nightie.

i believe in ghosts a lot more than i believe anyone would wear that to sleep in.

she starts hearing shit.

grabs the gun.

ben walks in.

she shoots him.

he gives her a valium.

she has crazy valium dreams.

the police and sexy chocolate come over.

they go upstairs.

viv starts freaking out more.

bonafide crazy this time.

but who can blame her.

ghosts are fucking with her and she's pregnant and she just shot her husband by accident and

no one believes her. 

yes.

i would be crazy too.

ANDSOWOULDYOUGODDAMITTT!!!!!

ben has her committed.

not cool ben.

soooooo not cool.

violet says nothing in her defense.

not cool violet.

soooooo not cool.

after the long slo mo walk down the stairs to the "hospital"..

viv tells us that while she is SUPER dissapointed in her asshole family she is relieved to be getting out of the house.

downstairs tate and moira are discussing the almost dead lovers in the basement..

tate uses the gun and blows patrick's face off..

chad reaches over to grab patrick's hand and then tate blows his ass apart too.

heavy shit ya'll.

heavy shit.

so what do we think?

how do we feel about all the homophobia going on?  fire poker butt raping?  too much for tv?

can we discuss the fact that the kid who plays tate is really carrying some heavy storylines..and doing it VERY well?

what about the women are just crazy references?

speak your minds..

the future of these recaps depends on it..