merry christmas and happy hanukkah to all of MFAMB's devoted readers.
thank you for making me a part of your day.
**beauty note (and i use that word verrry loosely)..absolutely zero effort was made on my part to look in any way cute or clean for that matter...and at my age, effort is what keeps you from looking like kim richards' toilet baby.
see u on the flippity flip.
if you're asking me-
and you know that you are..
i say this finale was a healping pile of bull crap.
ESPECIALLY since i now know this:
With American Horror Story‘s first season resting in peace, Ryan Murphy is turning his attention to the serial thriller’s second act.
The show’s cocreator confirms that Season 2 will be “radically different” from Season 1. That means a new setting/locale and a (mostly) new cast.
“The second season of the show will [feature] a brand new home or building to haunt,” Murphy said in a conference call with reporters on Thursday. ”It will also have a new overriding theme.”
And in an unprecedented twist for an ongoing series, some current castmembers will return — but they’ll be playing new characters. (Murphy confirmed that current leads Connie Britton and Dylan McDermott will not be back, at least not as series regulars.) ”There will be familiar faces and some new faces,” said Murphy. “People that are coming back will be playing completely new characters… Getting to tell a different aspect of what an American horror story can be [every season] is fascinating.”
Murphy added that he’s currently in talks with a few members of the Season 1 cast to return full time, but he declined to name names. An official announcement about the new ensemble and storyline will be made in February. In the meantime, Murphy offered this tantalizing tease: “There’s a clue in the last three episodes where we say what the second season will be.”
hmmm...
ok.
i see that that could be interesting,
but like this last episode it means i could give two shits about what happens to these people.
to me, a series has characters that you either love or hate, but regardless of your feelings toward them, you CARE what happens to them. when that is gone, so is my attention.
this finale had it's "oh shit" moments...but when it was all said and done..
i could have cared less.
it had me feeling like i was part of an experiement.
like i was a member of a test audience.
in a sense i guess we all were..
it was funny for 2 seconds to watch viv and ben "kill" each other but it was kind of also like watching an improv scene that was going really well, take a sudden turn for the worse with someone's use of the word 'pussyfart' thus making everyone cringe and want their money back.
(let me just say that i might know a little somethin' about that)
so with this idea that each season brings a new house and a new set of people it also brings with it the fact that at the end of each season you know that everyone is going to die?
where's the fun in that?
how do you successfully get there and still maintain a sense of tension and devotion and/or sympathy?
perhaps...and this may be wishful thinking, but perhaps IF someone like jessica lange came back to play a different character that was maybe the victim it would be like she was getting what was coming to her in a karmic/reincarnated kind of way..
that maybe these characters come back for a second chance as someone else and to hopefully redeem themselves..?
for example, ben comes back and gets cheated ON?
or is that too easy and stupid for words?
maybe ryan murphy just needs to come over here and run all of his ideas past me..
what are your thoughts on this?
either way...
i feel stupid discussing the finale in recap form, because...umm...WHO CARES??!!
i mean my first thought was, is 'mike the baby' viv and tate's? or is it really ben and viv's?
will we ever know?
in any event that fucker murdered consuela with his tiny child hands and then smiled like he was jeff dahmer.
and what was all that end of days talk?
what about the pope's secret box?
and what about constance's 4th child?
eh?
and all that business at the beginning..
why did we need to see ben pleading with viv to come see the house?
it was like going back bc you forgot your keys and then remembered that keys are dumb.
it just felt superfluous.
it was unexpected that ben was going to be murdered by hayden and her crew..
but now that i know the big payoff is just that they are finally happy together around their stupid christmas tree..
how did they get that tree anyway?
they can't leave MH and drive to home depot or anything.
anyway..lame payoff is what i am trying to say.
so this is where we all are..
viv and violet plead with ben to leave and try to give the baby a normal life somewhere..
ben wants to die and leave the baby with the sister.
ben gets his wish only the sister must have shown up and then bc no one was there was probably like..
"oh well. see ya later" ???????
travis slashes hayden's throat and hands the baby to constance.
she then tells the cops that she thinks violet must have run off with the baby.
maybe this is what they told this sister too.
these cops are the dumbest worst cops in the world.
some latino couple buy the house.
viv's dog became a fraggle.
tate tries to kill the new kid.
the whole ghost gang work as a team to get rid of the new owners.
it is super dumb.
and very much like what it's like walking through the netherworld haunted house on halloween.
some more shit happens.
tate and ben discuss shit.
who cares.
constance gives an oscar worthy performance from the chair of a beauty salon..
something about her whole life leading up to this point.
what?
again...WHAT??
i mean i get what she's trying to say but it was all just leading up to basically nothing.
so. um. yeah.
there it is.
what did you all think?
marcy farts and thaddeus sharts,
today is the first day of winter..
or the winter solstice.
for you card carrying pagans you know that that means the original christmas.
either way, shit about to get rill cold.
yule farts,
images via jaclyn paige, oh suze q, plum pretty sugar
that's all i got..
there are cookies to be baked and eaten w/in 10 minutes of baking.
there are presents to be wrapped.
there are buche de noels to be considered.
there are poops to be taken.
there are housewives to be watched.
there is a tent to be built.
there are bottles of wine to be drunk.
you get me?
peace out.
but my pesky blog problem wouldn't go away.
i even called the squarespace support team and yelled 'GO AWAY!!'
did not work.
apparently some of you were seeing an "MFAMB DOWN" warning every time you tried to access my blog,
yet some of you had no problems.
turns out i hadn't paid the domain site's annual 20 dollar fee.
seems their notices were going straight to my spam folder.
so i paid it and then was told it could take 24 hours to fix.
was also told that i should tell all of you to reboot and/or clear your cache.
so i said.."YOU tell them!"
and then i punched everyone in the kidneys.
anyway..
that's what the problem was.
if you're reading this then all is well.
if not..well...that is sucky for us all.
moving on.
fiona's 7th birthday is around the corner (dec. 31st to be exact) and i have never had a proper party for her.
this year it is going to be pretty special..
3 of her little girl school pals are coming over for a trip to fernbank museum (super fun with lots of cool activities), then to tacqueria del sol for delicious tacos, then to star provisions for cupcakes (the best cupcakes i've ever tasted).
then it's home for a slumber party.
but not just any slumber party....
mike and i (mike only) will be constructing an indoor tent of bohemian spectacularness.
the idea came from the movie The Holiday..
you remember..
the little girls' super special tent in their room with the christmas lights and cut-out stars?
this one..
they will sleep in it!
i have gathered a few tent-y images over the past few weeks for inspiration..
(mike..pay attention to all of these scenarios..
and when you go to construct it, make that shit wide enough for sleeping and activities.
the blog world is watching and waiting.
so it better be fucking magical!)
yes. there needs to be a tv and cats.
and pom pom fringe and ikat.
make one of these for me please.
that is major.
homeless chic.
bed tents are fun too.
yessss.
yesssss.
personal.
wow.
simple yet effective.
this is pretty great.
crazy awesome.
ok then.
reach for the stars!!
wow.
bet you didn't know that croutons were a powerful talisman against ghosts.
i'll also bet you didn't know that viv was going to die in childbirth.
at least not until you realized it about half way through.
ready to ferret out the fairies?
toss some croatoans in your salad and let's begin!
the year is 1984.
constance is fast asleep in a scotch dream watching newhart..
(who wasn't?)
tater tot is running around playing with a tonka truck..
when the basement door opens.
uh oh..
we know what's down there don't we?
at least ONE hogwarts goblin.
tate takes his tonka truck down the stairs
and proceeds to lose it under some scary shit.
he crawls around to try and retrieve it..
there it sits to the right of the screen..
to the left is a giant gaping hole of black nothingness.
out pops thaddeus aka the hogwarts goblin aka frankenbaby aka a dwarf actor destined to always play scary motherfuckers or elves.
thad reaches for tate's face..
at which point nora appears and grabs little tate and says, "NO THADDEUS!!"
nora tells tate that all he ever has to do is to say 'go away' and all creepy people will do just that.
she then tells him that life is too short for such sorrow.
cut to a bunch of years later..
nora is crying in a room upstairs..
grown up tate is telling her that life is too short for such sorrow.
IN YER FACE NORA!
but she's crying bc she wants those babies.
tate's like..umm...no can do nora.. i love violet so i won't do anything to upset her.
nora's like..
F you that baby is mine.
meanwhile..
ben is dragging violet out of the house to go pick viv up from the hospital.
violet cries a lot.
ben throws her in the back seat and tells her to lay down.
violet's like..nope..
poof!
look at me i'm up in the window.
a few moments later the forever teens are on 'U-tube' and discussing teen stuff..
like, my parents will go crazy once they find out how dead i am.
they can't know..
and
we'll never have babies bc we're dead.
cut to the gayyyyys..
making nursery magic happen with some high gloss red..
and then RUINING IT with some krafty kid's potato project.
i was way into the minty green and red color scheme until they fucked that shit up with those bullshit 1992
potato animal stamps.
what gay in their right gay mind would ever do something so heinous?!!
violet and tate come in and ask them how to steal shit out of their asses.
or something.
chad tells them they won't be stealing shit.
instead they will be stealing babies.
violet runs to smoke and tell constance about this.
constance is like no one is stealing my grandbaby.
cut to constance up in the nursery with chad..
it goes like this:
constance: chad?
chad: bitch?
constance: gay people are gross.
chad: your hair is gross.
constance: you're not natural.
chad: your face isn't natural!!!
constance: my vagina is the mother of all holes.
chad: so i smell.
constance: you can have baby #2, bc baby #1 is my grandson.
chad: fuck that noise.
constance: you're not fit to raise children, look at these dumb potato stamps.
chad: hahaha guess what stupid??
we're going to kill them while they're still cute and make decorative stamps with their stumps.
scene.
cut to an episode of celebrity ghost stories.
the re-enactment.
billie ray psychic is in the house 'splainin how to go about removing ghosts.
constance just homophobes all over everyone.
something about indians and croutons and personal belongings.
this shit is so dumb.
at the hospital the doctor comes in and tells viv and ben that she best be on bed rest bc one of those babies is pretty much eating the other one.
and it wants ouuuuutttt!!!!
viv is paddling up denial river.
tate and violet are on a scooby chase to get patrick's gay ring and chad's gay watch.
tate, of course, has to try to get a beej out of it.
patrick tells tate he should have tried to get to know him before he shoved a fire poker up his ass.
then proceeds to beat him severely around the face.
he mentions during the beating that it is tate's fault he's stuck there with a man he doesn't love.
man=chad.
sads.
chad hears this and decides that he doesn't want to be my two dads anymore
so he goes to the basement and throws everything in the incinerator.
* i swear to god if the incinerator is like some hell portal i will be super pissed.
unless it's a portal to the glee high school.
then that would be cool.
meanwhile viv is in the car having some labor pains that look a lot like my labor pains.
the rest of the episode goes like this:
ben: violet, let's go to florida now.
violet: NO! I'M DEAD!!! but you guys go and have fun!
ben: what? you're so silly. come on.
violet: NO YOU FUCKING IDIOT WHEN YOU DIE HERE YOU NEVER LEAAAAVE!
ben: stop eating so many drugs!
minnie from The Help: eat my shit!
viv: SCREAM SCREAM SCREAM HOLY MOTHER OF ASSSSSSSSS SCREAM!
constance: let's go hayave these baybuhs...
ben: hey! stop smashing my car up!!!
napoleon dynamite twins: GOD!! shut up!! (smash smash smash)
ben: what's up with your necks?
constance (to ben): let's do this!!!
Dr. Charles: turn out the lights and light up some candles bitches! electricity is dumb!
slutty dead nurses: yes doctor.
viv: AHHAAAHHHHHHHHH!!! FUCK MY LIIIFFFFEE!!!!!!!!!
ben: (thinking) whatinjesus'snameishappening??
constance: get your head out of your ass ben and go and help your wife.
viv: givemesomemotherfucking EEETHERRRR!!!
ben: breathe viv.
flashback..
happy birth
scary birth
happy birth
scary birth
i love you
i hate everyone
ben: pushhh!!
viv: FUUUUUCKKKK!!!
dr. charles: oops, this one is stillborn, here you go honey (wink wink).
viv: can i hold it? (soul crushing agony)
constance: one more in there though! don't stop now!
downstairs..
violet: CROUATON!!!
chad: hahahaa!
violet: darnit.
chad: tate raped your mom.
violet: nuh uh.
chad: yuh huh.
upstairs...
viv: FUUUUUUUUUCCCKKKKKK....this hurts really bad..
final push...
pop!
constance: gimme.
viv: can i hold him?
constance: he needs a bath.
crayden: give me my baby bitches.
viv: i feel really bad.
drip drip drip..
puddle
splash.
(glee kids come out and sing a song from rent)
violet: come to my side mom.
ben: nooooooooo....
upstairs upstairs...
violet: tate you are a murdering doucher!
tate: nuh uh.
violet: GO AWAY!!!
tate: noooooooo!!!
poof.
and then some more mother daughter sadness that i HATE.
so.
did you see it coming at all?
i have to say as soon as she was in the car about to go into labor mike turned back to me from his chair and said, "she's going to die during childbirth".
and i was like...
OF COURSE SHE IS!!!!
i'm glad really.
it's going to be awesome between all the women of the house fighting for those babies.
and watching ben go crazy.
right?
RIGHT??!!!
CROUTON!
