me: ok, so there's this show that is really super awesome.
internet: really? what is it?
me: well, it's called downton abbey and it's on pbs.
internet: whoooah. that sounds like barf.
me: no...it's not. i get it though. pbs how boring...but it's so not boring. i promise.
imagine there's this big, awesome country house in england and it's during a very important time in history.
internet: (yawns)
me: the aristocracy is changing, people are starting to realize that the class system is becoming obsolete.
it's about these rich people who do NOTHING.. and they complain about shit all the time.
but that's their existence. that's it. they eat dinner in full fancy dress, they hunt things, they ride horses and take long walks. that's it.
OH! and tea. always tea.
internet: tea=boring. and gay.
me: not. they are all really lovable and they all mean well, except for this bitch edith who just tries to shit on everyone's happiness. but still, at her core she is just bitter and sad bc she's pretty much the ugly one.
and then there are the servants who live in the house too and they are really interesting and funny and you love them and hate some of them only even the ones you hate you still hope they change their ways and then you would totally give them a free pass bc deep down you know they are just going through some shit too.
it's just their existence.
the cards they were dealt.
you're either born into it or your born into something else.
there's no way to change it.
until now.
there is a war on now..and once people start dying..shit changes fast.
death makes people forget about their social status real quick.
also there's romance!
internet: is there a rose ceremony?
the year is 1916 and matthew crawley is hard at work doing war.
and by hard at work i mean he's dreaming about a girl.
we assume this girl is mary, but we find out that that's not the case.
or is it?
anyway..
matthew is apparently the boss of the war bc he can come and go from it as he pleases.
**a word about matthew...i KNOW everyone is like.."matthew crawley...ahh!!! so dreamy!!"
but i just don't feel it.
he looks like a total pussy and he acts like one too.
i am way more into lord grantham.
but i would throw my panties at mr. bates.
meanwhile...
back at downton..
lord grantham is in his favorite old uniform getting ready to have a ball? party? dance-off?
just kidding..
it's a concert (for this slutty ass war).
unfortunately all of the good servants are off doing war too.
so poor mr. carson is stuck doing all the jobs.
there's a new maid in town and her name is ethel and she is a total cunt.
and i love her.
mary is at aunt rosamund's, bates is at a funeral, thomas is still in the trenches, william wants to do war but is too busy with downton stuff, sybil is wanting to do more for the cause, o'brien still hates everyone but thomas..
you know..the usual.
then BLAMMO!
cousin isobel tells cora, lord G and the dowager that matthew is coming home and bringing his fiance...
wha????
yes, fiance.
her name is lavinia swire. *best name*
cora, lord G and lady violet are like..fuck it..bring her on in.
mary will just have to deal with that ultimate sadness.
but mary, ever the hider of feelings, is like..
oh that's awesome! i am so happy for them..
besides i have my own boyfriend now!
he's totally sketchy and creepy but still...i am soooo over matthew.
bring that bitch on and let's all be friends.
elsewhere..
mr. bates shows up..
and he has good news for anna..
his wife is giving him a divorce and they can be finally be together.
but then
not so fast you two..
bates' wife, vera shows up and poops all over that idea.
meanwhile cousin isobel tells sybill that she should be a nurse and that will help her to feel important.
shit is changing, exhibit #1.
next thing she is in the kitchen with mrs. patmore (love her) baking cakes...
because girls have to have skills to get by in the world of war and nursing except for cake baking is a very important skill in the world of cake eating only.
cora is super sad that her youngest is leaving the house..
but away she goes!!
branson, the chauffeur, who is in love with her drops her off at nurse school and tells her so.
**sybil brings out the gay in me.
anyway..
she likes him but needs to be focused on nursing and saving lives
plus he's a chauffeur and she's a lady.
there's that pesky social class issue again.
and finally..
it's concert time!!
everyone is dressed like total sluts...war sluts.
in walks matthew and lavinia..
oops he sees mary.
she sees him..
it's major.
later those same eyes throw acid shade at lavinia..
during the concert some crazy poor bitches show up and give out some kind of white feather dart..
my man, lord G tells them to GTFO.
**i love it when L.G. gets all gruff and stern and then is all...just kidding..sorry i yelled.
so cute.
"ha ha ha ha haaa ha...it's all good."
then everyone goes to do what they do best...
eat a boring ass dinner.
during which is a lot of eye darting.
and dowager farting?
maybe.
i mean you could fart all day under those huge skirts and no one would ever know.
i need one of those yesterday.
anyway..
mainly it's just war talk.
downstairs mr. bates' wife, vera shows up to say, hey guess what..
you are coming with me. bc ha ha i do NOT grant you a divorce.
she wants to be a butthole just for the sake of being a butthole.
so unlike a downton character, where behind every nasty act lies at the very least a good intention.
see she found about about mary's affair with the turk last season and that she is not virtuous.
such a scandal.
so bc bates is a fucking hero he's like i will sacrifice my own happiness so that no scandal falls on this family.
the next morning mary sees matthew off on the train but not before giving him her favorite..
she's like..here..take this it will bring you luck.
and he's like, thanks but i might not come back bc this war is FUCKING TERRIBLE AT BEST!
this is almost too much for mary.
she goes home and immediately starts praying..
it's really sweet.
and then that bitch edith walks in and is like..
no you're dumb!!!
over on the battlefields..
thomas is like, get me the fuck out of here.
i hate war and i hate it's assface.
so after some "remember the old days at downton?" talk with matthew he decides
he'd much rather be there smokin some cigs with o'brien.
so he holds his hand up into the air with a lit flame
and gets a hole blown through it.
he is at once brave and a pussy.
so off to downton he goes.
he sends word to o'brien to lie and scheme (her best job) to get him a job in the hospital.
somehow we jump forward in time by a year.
everything is still going strong between lavinia and matthew.
and at this point mary's boyfriend, richard carlisle aka jack wagner has proposed.
crazy, right?
anyway..
no one likes him.
not even mary.
but especially not the countess.
there are some whispers of carlisle knowing lavinia in some way and i suspect a real soap opera worthy scandal to come out of that at some point.
once again matthew has come home from his war'cation and he is bringing lavinia.
so now everyone's back together and what do they do of course???
eat dinner...
poor mr. carson almost has a heart attack bc there is a valet, mr. lang (who is super shell shocked btw), acting as a footman. A FOOTMAN!!!!
as mr. carson lays almost dead on the floor, it's nice to see the majority of the family rushing to his side, except for that bitch edith who is more concerned that shit was spilled on her dress.
a bit later, in my favorite scene, we see mary visting mr. carson who is lying in bed resting.
it has always been clear that mary is mr. carson's favorite..
he knows what's going on (as all the servants do bc they are like the family's free shrinks) with mary and matthew and he tells her that she needs to tell him how she feels bc if he dies in the war, god forbid, she'll never forgive herself.
she plans on giving him the speech to end all speeches but instead runs into lavinia who is crying and decides she can't.
downstairs..
thomas has arrived at downton and is like, guess what assholes?
i'm not a footman or a valet or whatever i was before..
i am almost a doctor!
he is taking care of an almost blind soldier who we are to assume he is falling in love with..
i think.
the soldier's eyes heal pretty well so..
bc there is no room at the convalescent home for wounded soldiers he is to get the fuck out.
only he's shell shocked and needs some prozac stat.
only there is no prozac and no one has much experience with shell shock so they assume he's going to be ok.
only he's not and he slits his wrists and dies.
thomas cries.
hard to imagine really.
i mean if he loved him, well, that's sad. not to mention the fear that you could be next in the crazy department and want to check out.
so scary.
war sucks ding dong.
sybil, and dr. clarkson all discuss what they are going to do with all of these men who need their attention and help.
they decide to ask lord G and lady V to use downton as a convalescent home.
lady V quickly poo poos it,
while cora is more understanding.
my guess is it's bc she will get to see more of her baby, sybil.
in the end sybil gets her way and downton becomes a convalescent home.
other points of interest..
edith drives a tractor and kisses a married man..
so let's discuss it.
i thought it was cool and a testament to why this show works so well that this war had an angle for every person..for example..
william and lord G wanted to do the honorable thing and fight for their country,
matthew wanted to escape, thomas was hoping to gain some sort of status.
and the women...
sybil wants to help and be useful.
edith pretends she wants that but really she's just bored.
mary doesn't know what she wants.
mary and matthew- well obviously we want them together. they are the focus of the show most of the time.
at the end of the day is it BECAUSE of mary's inability to be honest about how she feels that they aren't together?
or is it the fact that she's TOO honest about her feelings, often putting her foot in her mouth and hurting other people?
in any case, she is misunderstood.
discuss..
this post was powered by many cups of coffee and several trips to the bathroom.
that light looks like a cluster of hemorrhoids. you're welcome.
