poopdates to follow....
downton recap: episode 4- KABOOM!!!!!!!!!
it's 1918 and that means the war is almost over..
but not before the battle that brings down the downton heir and his wartime valet.
while men are pooping their pants and lighting cigarettes at the same time..
mary is at home conjuring matthew shaped tea leaves and daisy is sifting flour in the form of william's face..
broken tea cup = broken dreams.
something is terribly terribly wrong..
a human cross means buisness.
back at downton...
o'brien comes in to wake up the lord and lady..
"don't be alarmed, it's just me head diaper for sleep.
also matthew is hurt. maybe even paralyzed in his ding dong!"
there is a family meeting where it is decided that..nothing is decided.
the urchins are waiting quietly in the other room, for any news.
o'brien's bangs ever protected.
dr. clarkson is ALL business ALL the time.
not even the DC can persuade him to let william die in hospital.
meanwhile...
mary is getting some things packed so she can be by matthew's side...
her dad knows what this means so he blasts her bubble with reality lasers...
reminding her that lavinia is going to be there too.
mary don't give a shit.
she's still packing with purpose.
over in a church made entirely out of fog..
the couple that prays together stays together.
the DC is trying out this new fangled phone fuckery and pulling some strings for william in leeds.
meanwhile...amidst the scent of angst and car grease..
sybil and branson talk about who has more feelings for stuff and stare at each other's sex parts.
sybil's feelings seem to be buried beneath many layers of fur and adorable..
over in leeds...
edith and the dowager countess decide that since william is dying he may as well die in a back bedroom at downton.
and in the village hospital..
matthew is being carried in ever so gently on a stretcher..
oh come on mary it can't be that ba..
good lord. that's nasty.
jesus dr. clarkson..what is that?!
later lavinia shows up looking like a 12 year old school girl.
and then...
"let me try to explain this to you lord grantham...
no leg movement..no dick movement."
somewhere in a hovel..
ethel shows us superbaby.
mrs. hughes is apparently bringing it ALL of the food in the universe.
ethel tell mrs. hughes that if major mustache saw the giant baby he might be inclined to mary her.
or something.
william aka wheezy from toy story..
is in the girliest room in all of yorkshire.
he wants to mary daisy before he dies but daisy is like, gross i don't love him.
SO THE FUCK WHAT DAISY!!
HE'S DYING AND HE LOVES YOU MARRY HIM AND SHUT YOUR DIRTY MOUTH OR I WILL SHUT IT WITH MY HAMMER FIST!!!
well, that's what i would have said to her.
a new blind maid is coming to downton..
mary tells matthew that he might not walk again..
and mary's eyebrows do a dance of sadness.
closing your eyes indicates :
a. ultimate sadness
b. feeling cold and seeing into the future
c. relief
d. being fed up with your sister
e. making the advances of turkish men seem less gross
f. sleep
mrs. hughes delivers edith's plea for child support..
to no avail.
later matthew tells lavinia that they can't be married bc they wouldn't be "properly" married..
wait..what?...oh..
back in the land of sexual tension..
branson and paddington almost kiss..
seriously. does anyone know what the hell these 2 are ever talking about?
this is just about them kissing, right?
that's the purpose of these 2 characters, right?
daisy does her best thinking while sifting flour..
we get it daisy..
you don't love william.
william's dad talks some sense into her and she agrees to mary him even though SHE TOTALLY DOESN'T WANT TO!!!!!!
upstairs...
lavinia and mary (in secret) are super bummed that matthew's ding dong will never penetrate them with its pasty, reserved force.
meanwhile...some gross old white guy doesn't want to grant william his dying wish..
but the dowager's heart is made up of flowers and marshmallows over this wedding taking place.
of course mean mr. albino priest is a total rule follower and simply canot break god's heart this way.
the dowager is quick to remind him that he is living on grantham land and is sniffing grantham flowers so he better follow the grantham rules.
anna confided in mary that mrs. bates was going to expose her and her powerful turk killing vagina,
mary takes the news to car-LYLE and this makes car-LYLE ultra cocky..
not to worry, car-LYLE knows just what to do.
he makes mrs. bates sign a contract that states she can't say another word about this to anyone anywhere anytime or he will straight up chop off her head and feed it to trench rats.
later mrs. bates finds out that he tricked her all along..
she jumps on her broom and flies away...for now.
totally blind you guys.
i about shitvomit after seeing this cheeseball flowery bed.
seriously?
i'll bet while this was going down william was like..."fuck sake you guys i might be dead in 2 minutes...just get daisy in here and let's get this done"..
still...it was like the saddest scene ever.
with or without the gay flowers.
exactly DC.
i think we all had "colds".
the fuck did she come from?
in the end..
daisy stayed with william right up until the very end.
good girl.
whew.
what a sad sad episode.
what's next?
i'll tell you what's next..
the spanish influenza probably.
shit killed a lot of people.
what will become of matthew and his ding dong?
will that giant baby continue to grow like a cullen?
i learned last night from several sources that shirley maclaine will be joining the cast in season 3 as lady cora's mother.
can you even imagine the scenes between her and maggie smith?
acting gold.
and finally...
since there was only one truly hysterical lady violet moment in this week's episode..
discuss...
monday is simply for looking at things that are pretty..
while i am always tempted to talk about my butt and gut..
i think monday is a day designed for ultimate fuckery,
so i won't make your monday worse with tales of intense gut pain...
or can you OD on probiotics?
and if you watched downton last night you are probably still crying from all the dying.
you all owe me several gluten free pies for having to relive this episode for you in a recap.
yep.
so today i will just gift you with a generous supply of inspiration.
you're welcome.
breathe.
it's a lot to take in.
see you soon for a recap.
calling all gastroenterologists...
i suspect none of you reading are actually poop doctors.
because A. why would a poop doctor be reading a design blog? (is this a design blog? what have i become??!)..
and B. if a poop doctor was reading this surely they would have spoken up by now given the amount of poop talk that goes on around here.
friends,
i have made an appointment to see a gastroenterologist because i have had an ongoing stomach issue..
since the beginning of november.
but you all pretty much knew that, right?
i love you so hard.
so lets talk about it.
because i damn sure don't have any design news to share.
you see the thing is..it's less about poo and more about my gut.
i either have intense nausea or a feeling like someone is punching me hard in the pit of my stomach.
i either have a hard time pooping or i poop like 8 times a day.
i have the usual food triggers that make it worse, like dairy, but i don't eat it anymore so it's not that.
and it's not gerd or heartburn.
maybe.
here's what i have narrowed it down to...
1. for sure a heart attack.
2. almost positive it is stomach cancer.
3. 100% garunteed that it's mold sickness.
4. without a doubt it's lyme disease.
5. it is totally an h. pylori infection in my stomach lining.
6. an ulcer probably caused by #5.
7. dying.
so if you know of anything that i forgot i am dying of, speak up.
and rest assured you will be with me every step of the way through this process.
if i have to have a colonoscopy (deargodpleaseno) or an endoscopy (sweetchristdeliverme) or drink a barium milkshake with all of the above (killmenow)..
i will share all the poopy facts with you.
because that's what friends are for.
(p.s. do not ever in your life google image search colonoscopy).
see? friends!!
when your poop looks like seashells it must mean something awesome, right?
i desperately wanted to take a picture of my nautically formed turds this morning but that would be going too far..
even for me.
but rest assured it looked like this..only brown:
poop is soooo fascinating.
anyway..
it's thursday but it feels like friday and it's 70 degress outside.
and i had crazy dreams last night.
anyone else?
where is this post going?
nowhere, and fast.
i was going to post fiona's room progress today but it's too dark to take pictures of stuff.
instead i'll show you 2 new commissions.
this one:
and this one:
cameras don't do paintings justice.
they really don't.
these are so much more vibrant in real life.
either that or i am terrible at taking pictures.
also, i bought some paper for which to paint on.
several sheets of 18 x 24, linen finish paper.
they will be less expensive than a canvas and a LOT easier to ship.
so stay tuned for that.
have an awesome thursday that feels like acid.
downton recap: episode 3- the case of the missing matthew
this week started me off in my happy place.
watching cousin isobel (can we all rejoice in how much that name sounds like a long lost 'facts of life' character?)
squirm in a self righteous slow burn is positively gleeful.
cora is changing shit.
namely schedules.
cousin isobel is clearly hurt by the fact that no one seems to care whether she's there or not.
perhaps if you weren't such condescending slut, ISOBEL.
speaking of sluts...
ethel is walking on very dangerous slutty ground.
meanwhile..
the dowager countess and mary are walking and talking.
and then sitting and talking.
the countess is still gunning for matthew as mary's husband.
mary just wants everyone to shut the fuck up about matthew,
and to start considering once and for all sir richard car-LYLE for president of mary's cold, steeley cooter.
the DC quickly changes the subject to that of sybil and how could someone so pretty be so single?
can we all just finally come to grips with the fact that sybil is gay? (for me)
back inside downton...
isobel is downstairs threatening mrs. hughes with the eyes of a woman on the verge of post-menopausal murder.
but rather than waste her good murdery eyes on lowly mrs. hughes she marches upstairs and straight into her ladyship's bedroom..
cora just simply has no time for this..
oh you done did it now cora..
outside 2 almost lovers in uniforms are about to be cockblocked by mary...
later..
because nothing clears away the war sads faster than an impromptu concert and magic show...
edith and mary practice for their big number.
isobel runs away from home leaving mrs. bird and mr. molesley to their own devices.
which is pretty much nothing.
mrs. bird decides that pickling eggs would be fun..
a war vet hobbles in looking for some food and a soup kitchen is born..
so that boredom can die.
circle of life.
over at downton..
molesley is in the running for england's next top valet.
and daisy spills the beans about mr. bates working in the local pub...
and..
that william is missing and therefore..
matthew must be missing too!!
"this news would have been better recieved in my uniform".
at dinner the DC is poking around for signs of lesbianism..
"i didn't say anything!"
meanwhile...
molesley is still in the running toward becoming england's next top valet.
and..
o'brien tattles on the soup crew.
mrs. hughes hears a noise that sounds like fucking.
that mrs. hughes was right.
ethel is fired.
4life.
meanwhile...
the bromance blossoms.
yay!!!! bates is back.
wait..what?
sorry molesley you are not england's next top valet.
and neither is your shoe horn. stick. back scratcher.
bates and anna hoping for the best.
edith tells mary that matthew is missing saying that she thought she should know.
ha!
*we have a rule in this house...and it's primarily the reason i NEVER watch the news..
and that is you never ever ever tell me anything horrible right before bed.
i will chop your head off.
for real.
mary cries and stabs edith.
and then she and anna drag the body across the house.
next day..
the soup crew: BUSTED!
only ha ha jokes on you o'brien..
lady grantham says you're on the bread line.
that's just one notch up from the spoon line.
finally!!
it's concert time..
time for some dumb ass magic..
"watch me hide my penis inside ethel.."
and..
ladies and gentlemen..
the moment we've all been wating for..
THE
CRAWLEY SISTERS!!!!!
" blah blah...laaa laa...sing sing...you're the only girl...blah blahh"
but then suddenly as only true love knows...
"really? what is it you smell? is it my trench balls?
or is it my fear of being turned down by you one more time?"
"but seriously folks..
don't stop singing this gay song on my behalf.
EVERYONE!!!"
"lllaaaa la la la blah blah you're the only one foree meeeeeee"
after the scene that gave my dad a grand mal seizure and choke on his own tongue..
just some old fashioned after concert mingling..
"car-LYLE."
"sweet lavinia"
suddenly..
mrs. hughes is called away from the party to address a problem..
a pregnant ethel..
the next earl of grantham?
why else would they write this bullshit?
while you marinate on that for a spell..
please vote for your favorite dowager countess quip..
1.
2.
3.
4.
branson farts,
