my vagina is going to disneyworld!!!

good news friends..

my doctor called with my lab results yesterday afternoon at about 3:00.

it seems as though all areas of my vagina are cancer free..even cancer cell free!

there was a tiny spot...remember that white edge i spoke of last week?

well that one spot came back as showing CIN1, which is essentially minute cellular changes.

these either go away on their own or they can develop into pre cancer (still not cancer).

so we are just keeping an eye on my vagina (that's what he said) through paps every 6 months.

she seems to think a healthy dose of some vitamins will help me to clear it up on my own.

YES! HOLY SHIT YES!

how lucky am i?

howmotherfuckingLUCKYami???!!!!

what have we all learned here?

we learned that i am lucky.

and perhaps if i waited another 1-2 years before going and getting a pap that i might not be so lucky.

so if you are still putting off the pap, don't be foolish.

go and get one.

and if you have a family history of any type of cancer and you have not gotten checked out..

well then, you are an asshole.

a foolish asshole.

just go and do it please.

so..

it's friday and that is already reason to celebrate, but it's also now, officially, known as world healthy vagina day...or WHV-day.

and we are celebrating up in here with some wine and wine shooters.

we are also celebrating with the new issue of matchbook mag.

with things like this:

we are also celebrating with the brand new furbish store online.

with awesome things like this:

and this:

and we are also celebrating with new paintings..

like this:

60 x 20

and:

30 x 40

let's all celebrate our asses off this weekend.

ok?

yay WHV day!!!! 

 

downton day 2

Dear Jenny, Mike & Fi,

Well, it's day two and Bates and Anna finally showed up looking like they'd been rode hard and put away wet.  Anna is barely 4 feet tall and dresses like a really slutty Rihanna.  Bates was wearing one of those sleeveless muscle shirts so I couldn't help notice the huge tattoo on his right shoulder.  Big red heart with 'Veracruz' written kinda off-center.  It looked as though the cruz part was scabbed over.  When I asked about his attachment to a Mexican city, he suggested, not too politely, that I mind my own damned business.  Sensitive issue apparently.  Anna hangs on him like a fashion accessory which seems strange since I've only ever heard her call him MR. Bates.

Oh, guess who cleans the rooms?  DAISY!  Poor girl, she's not the brightest bulb on the string.  Sweet girl though, I asked if we could have fresh towels and she told me to fu#@ off!  Seems she's had it up to here with "that f'in bitch, Mrs Patmore".  "One more word out her gin soaked mouth and I'll beat her to death with one of her f'in frying pans" says she.

We were wondering where Cora was until we found her running the souvenir gift shop.  They're having a special today; two-for-one on the Lord G sock puppets.  I thought they'd make cute pencil cozy's for Fi.  Back to Cora though.  Did you know she's an American?  Witness Protection Program!  She's understandably reluctant to talk about it but I gather it has some connection to smuggling illegal aliens to work in the sex industry.  What with Lord G spending all his free time in the barn, it's no wonder she seems tense.

Since we're leaving shortly, I decided to stop by the fitness center for a quick workout before hitting the road.  It looks like Isobel has found her niche in life.  As a former Marine I'm used to being called "shit-for-brains" by a drill instructor when not performing up to his expectations but not by a 60-something woman that I don't know.  (except for your mother, of course)  To make matters worse, as I'm taking a shower in walks Thomas.  "Hi sailor, new in town?" he asks.

We're outta here!

Mom and Dad

BTW, did you know that you can rent rooms in the Tower of London?

oh dad.

genetic farts,

some vaginal updates and a letter from downton..

hi guys. 

imma keep this short and sweet so i can get back to doing nothing.

#1- i attempted to record my day yesterday but i was so nervous and when i'm nervous i'm quiet and/or mean.

i was afraid you'd all ask for your money back.

#2- the biopsy went as well as i could have hoped other than the worlds most nauseatingly horrific knife-like stabs for a solid 20 minutes.

seriously, i died for a minute and saw 'the light'. 

#3- my doctor saw a white edge on a part of my cervix which she biopsied.  she called it something but i was dizzy and still in my happy place from the pain so i was kind of deaf at the time.

she also saw a polyp which (gag) wasn't full of mucous.  (tip- most of them are. i did not know this.)

she said that most polyps don't present any cancer cells.  some do, but most don't.

since mine wasn't filled with (gag) mucous she thinks that this is what was causing the glandular abnormalities.

she also biopsied into my uterus (HOLYFUCKPAIN) and since she couldn't see in it bc my silly cervix was in the way we still don't have any idea what was in there.

so..

to sum up.

piece of polyp on its way to lab.

piece of white edge on its way to lab.

piece of uterus on it's way to lab.

good news- more than likely the polyp was causing the abnormalities.

and polyps usually don't contain cancer cells.

worse case scenario- polyp is full of cancer cells and i have to have it surgically removed.

but all i heard when she said those words was "you'll be put to sleep" and i was like...thank jesus!

there is still the chance that there was something in the uterus but i think that chance is pretty low considering the polyp.

and lastly, i want to say thank you again for your help.

bc of you i was able to swipe the card and pay for the whole procedure plus doctor visit plus remainder of last doctor visit.

that was the most incredible feeling in the world.

there is no financial burden looming over our heads.

so thank you so so much.

from all of us.

we are so grateful.

finally..

my parents left for england on friday and this is the letter i was sent via email on sunday..

it is written by my dad.

Dear Jenny, Mike & Fi,

Well, here we are in the UK.  As you know, we spent our first night in-country at the Downton Abbey "estate".  I'm not sure where to start.  First of all, the scene you see of the house from a distance is a movie facade.  Really!  Inside there's one of those indoor water parks with a water slide, wave pool, miniature golf layout, and the 'Lord Grantham Petting Zoo'.  Speaking of which, I now know the real reason Lord G sent the maid packing; seems there is a VERY jealous sheep named Molly who didn't take kindly to this budding relationship.  Most of the time Lord G walks around dressed like Mr. Greenjeans asking little boys and girls if they want to pet his sock puppet lamb.  Weird man!

The food wasn't too bad but we found out early on that you need get to the restaurant fairly early.  As the evening goes on, Mrs Patmore gets increasingly drunk so if you don't want cigarette ashes in your soup eat at the first sitting.  BTW, we never could get an adequate explanation of why she's called MRS Patmore.  There seems to be no record, or knowledge of, a MR Patmore.  When one asks, one is met with a stony silence.  Hmmm.

NEWS FLASH!  Lady Mary is NO lady.  Word has it that that Turkish fella didn't die from a weak heart.  Shaquille O'Neal wouldn't last a night with her!  Poor Matthew!  Each morning he looks as though ALL bodily fluids have been drained from his body.  He comes to breakfast sobbing and shaking uncontrollably.

Thomas and Mrs O'Brien have a lounge act.  Two shows nightly.  Picture the scene from the Fabulous Baker Boys with Michele Pfeiffer sitting on the piano accompanied by Jeff Bridges.  In this act though it's Thomas sitting on the piano dressed in pink chiffon, smoking a cigarette, and singing a throaty version of 'Is That All There Is'.  Speaking of cigarettes, those are NOT regular cigarettes.  The guy's a stoner.  He's never without one.  O'Brien keeps up a steady patter of fart jokes when Thomas isn't singing.  "Thank-you, thank-you very much, we'll be here all week".

The DC joined us for dinner last night.  Poor dear!  It's time to park the bus.  We heard some gurgling at the end of the table and found her face down in her soup.  In those increasingly rare moments of lucidity, she loves to talk about her days as a camp follower during the Boer War.  It's easy to see who in the family, Lady Mary favors.

Lady Edith walks around all day trying to get someone to talk to her.  Perhaps if she wouldn't start every conversation with "hello, do you think I'm pretty?" she might have more success.

Lady Sybil and Branson are a couple of bomb-throwing left-wing commies.  No sense of humor what-so-ever.  In the spirit of the "special relationship" between our two countries, I suggested a toast to the royal family.  Big mistake!  Food fight was on.  The DC found it all very amusing though, she awoke long enough to giggle hysterically and promptly went back to sleep.

Carson and Mrs Hughes!  Now there's a pair.  I got lost trying to find a working toilet and accidentally walked into the butler's pantry.  There was Mrs Hughes in full leather regalia with a riding crop in one hand, a martini in the other and riding on Carson's back (who was dressed in a French Maid's outfit).  I politely declined their invitation and continued my search.



More later.

Mom & Dad 

 

letter #2 tomorrow!

 p.s. my parents ARE in england but they are NOT at highclere castle.

they are in yorkshire though.

but the real highclere castle is no where near yorkshire.

now you are smarter.

a letter to my vagina

dear vagina and vaginal neighbors (i.e. cervix, uterus, ovaries, endometrial parts, etc..),

 don't let me down today.

i thanked you with drugged up tears of joy when we (forceps) pushed a baby into this world. 

and then i apologized on fiona's behalf when she ripped us nearly into two separate beings.

and then i nursed you back to health with sitz baths and hippie magic.

i also did kegel exercises to get you back into shape so shit wouldn't get lost in you.

i don't even use tampons so i won't cramp your style.

in short, we are friends.

i love you.

i respect you and i try to show you a good time every once in a while...

so please return the favor and don't be sick.

 also-

sorry about the weird scopes and burny things and scissory things that will be coming at you in a few hours.

work with me though ok?

i will be feeding us xanax to help us both relax, but xanax does nothing for pain..

so let's hold hands and go to our happy place...

which is

here:

(my happy place is being a crawley)

and then later i will feed you some chocolate and wine.

ok, maybe i will eat that.

that's all.

thanks V.

dear the rest of you,

tomorrow i have something so awesome to share that it defies all things that are awesome to the awesome power of awesome.

so come back for that.

as for me, i will be taking a few days off to relax and rest.

thank you all again for your love and support.

i will never forget it,

as long as i live,

WHICH IS GOING TO BE A VERY LONG TIME!!

peace holes,

#1 beauty secret

let me first say that i in no way set out to discover a beauty secret and i never intended for my use of this product to garner beauty results.  

i used it soley as a digestive aid and to rid my body of gunk.

but let me tell you...

after about 3 months of solid daily use my skin changed.

no more zits.

straight up noticeable glow..

mike is the one who mentioned it to me.

saying..and i quote..

"wow..you look 10 years younger..i don't see one wrinkle and your skin is so clear it's glowing."

not just on my face, my body too.

i used to have bumpy skin on my right upper arm.

gone.

cellulite?

where?

gone too.

(ok, don't hate me bc i never had much to begin with but i did have some on the upper arm area and my thighs if you squeezed hard) 

but that's gone too.

my hair is also shinier and more supple.

and i've lost weight.

now, the verdict is still out about this being the cause of the weight loss..

simply bc i am still trying to get to the bottom of my health issues not being the cause of that.

but all literature on this product states that people have lost weight while using it.

so it's not a totally crazy notion.

what am i talking about??

APPLE CIDER VINEGAR, YO!!

look at all the charms it recieved....

i drink 1 to 2 glasses of water a day that i have added up to 2 tbsp. of bragg's raw unfiltered organic apple cider vinegar.

usually it's just 1 glass.

but i have had 2 depending on how my tummy is doing.

and i may have even had 3 in the past when i was really suffering with tummy troubles.

some of you might complain about the taste.

in my opinion it tastes kind of good... in a vinegary way.

in other words if you think vinegar in general is nasty...

then i suggest you make friends with your cellulite and zitty old lady skin.

some people put a little honey in with their water and vinegar.

if this makes it taste better to you then go for it.

the truth is it DOES taste strong at first.

but you get used to it and actually kind of crave it after a while.

i did.

do.

still there are apple cider vinegar pills.

i have no experience with them so i can't say that they do the same thing.

but it's worth a shot if you just can't stomach the vinegar.

i think the key to it anyway is the FREQUENCY.

 as in every single day.

1 to 2 glasses a day.

religiously.

i mean 1 glass a week or "when you remember" prob won't do the trick.

and it took around 2 months to see results.

the weight loss got a jump start with that stomach virus back in november.

but it hasn't come back and i've actually lost an additional 3 lbs since then.

again, not sure if the weight loss isn't due to something else.

wow.

this post is long.

so..

to sum up..

apple cider vinegar = j lo skin.

now..

i wanted to ask you all how you felt about something that i THINK i might want to do.

as you may remember this monday is my biopsy.

i was thinking about documenting it.

as in videotaping it for you all to see.

no, i will not show you my beaver.

just the professional side of things.

is this a good idea or am i high on vinegar?

thoughts?

in bed

i have a pesky cold that just won't go away.

it has moved into my chest and all i can taste is boogers.

i imagine myself here today...

bed- one kings lane

night stands- one kings lane

sconce- hudson valley

wallpaper- cole and son hummingbirds

boyfriend pillow- hillary thomas 

rug- i forgot 

blanket- barney's

truffles- barney's

tea- terrian

tea pot- one kings lane

coconut + gardenia body balm- angel face botanicals

downton abbey season 2 box set

nightgown- anthropologie

go away chest cold.

i should probably go on a walk.

i have my new favorite skin secret to share tomorrow.

and we will talk about other stuff too.

so come back.

mucous farts,