yay!

 hey monday haters and embracers!

i LOVE today because it means fiona is in zoo camp!!

and that means i can work!

and thankfully i happen to love my work!

yay monday!

 

but not yay this:

a tree fell within inches of our house friday night.

(the images were taken saturday morning)

 

look..inches i tell you!!

 

 

luckily no one was hurt and nothing was broken.

and because we rent it ain't our problem!

yay renting!!

 

and...

 

new paintings yaaaaay!

 

 12 x 12- "your heart on your sleeve" SOLD

$85

 

 

12 x 12 "july" SOLD

$85 

 

 20 x 30 "the elephant in the room"

$275

 

first come first serve.

i'll mark them as sold as soon as they do.

email me if your interested.

 

 

yay!

 

 

 

design turd episode 1


design star season 42 is upon us and folks, shit still be terrible.

 

if you're new here i make fun of this show.

 

 

the lead singer of creed is on the show...

 he hasn't sung about jesus yet but i fully expect him to.

 

look at that chin!

 

 

also daisy fuentes is a judge.

or is she a one time only judge?

i don't really know i only watched the last 20 minutes.

(20 minutes i'll never get back)

either way..what the diarrhea is daisy fuentes doing judging design?!

no really...tell me.

does she have a celebrity line for rooms to go?

kohls?

does kohls sell furniture?

 

i'm losing focus.

 

as i said i only watched the last 20 minutes which is essentially all you need to see.

 

here are some of the designs..

not terrible. 

but not good either.

ok it's mostly terrible.

those sheers need to be burned in a fire.

i have to know if those porn-rape basement lights on the ceiling are for tv purposes?

 if this was my room i would have ripped them down when no one was looking.

also, i would have obviously hung a more substantial curtain.

and you know how i hate FEATURE WALLS!!!!!

that "chevron" just ends up looking like ghetto charlie brown's dollar store t shirt.

and who's the asshole who chose that green gray carpet?

shoot them.

 

 

 

jesus another feature wall.

i like the wall color.

and i appreeeeeciate the way the white fretwork pops off the blue.

but the scale of EVERYTHING is wrong.

why didn't anyone think to get a bigger rug?

or a few rugs to create "areas".

and why does this room have hospital tile and the other one has murder carpet?

that cowhide just looks ridiculous and what the fuck is the ottoman for?

scale people. SCALE!!!

and i guess those rapey lights are for tv.

 

 

there were plenty of "art" installations.

 

that little table covered in tape was my favorite of all of the everything.

i would do that.

and that's saying something.

 

 

 bless her heart.

 

 

this person has no business decorating rooms for money.

and she certainly has no business on the TV convincing people that this is good.

feature wall? check!

lime green/royal purple complete double feature wall what does it mean?  check! check!

this looks like the "family room" in a juvi center.

i hope they set it on fire.

 

 

everyone raved over the fucking moose on a black wall.

in fact i think the girl who did it is the girl who won.

 

excuse me...

this room is horrible.

and the moose makes absolutely no sense in it.

and that tiny tv with the framing around it is about the worst thing i've seen on this show.

in fact i think this person should have gone home.

but not before they were beaten to death.

 

if it were me..

and i HAD to work with a moose i would have made it more rustic and cozy.

less z gallerie meets homegoods meets hairy butthole.

 

 

 

don't get me wrong.

i HATE this.

but it's the best of the worst.

it's layered.

it looks comfy.

and

i love monochrome.

but this is tooooo monochrome.

throw some wood in the mix and something that looks like the earth spit it out.

 

however, the real problem with this room is there isn't enough furniture in it.

the 2 sofas seem to be 4,000 miles from one another.

and it would have been so much better if they mixed it up a little.

why does everything have to be 2 of the same thing?

identical sofas, identical rugs, identical coffee tables, identical chairs...

 

identical thumbs down..

 

 

hello.

wake up designers.

 

 

this is all hgtv is providing in the pictures department.

probably for good reason.

 

 

next week someone poops out a table and vern's head explodes.

and then thousands of tiny verns come out and dance on it   

all the while candace's penis keeps the beat like a metronome.

 

 

 

we need to talk about summer

 

last night i basically laughed in someone's face when they asked me why i wasn't hosting my own design camp.

first of all, no one would come.

second of all summer rapes parents of their freedom.

and while a design camp might be cool for some folks..

all i want to do is sit in a treehouse eating chocolate and freebasing white wine on ice while my kid hula hoops down below.

 

summer changes when you have kids.

it's all about them.

not you.

actually...that's basically your life 24/7 when you have kids..

anyway..

in the summer it all just gets kicked up a notch.

you become a planner and chaperone and dragon slayer of boredom.

 

and maybe in the middle of their downtime you can muster the energy to limewash a secretary and paint it's insides pink..

 

 

but then it's back to building a dollhouse out of cardboard.

 

 

 for my next trick i am tackling my office/bedroom..

i am going to paint my desk black.

and the walls soft mint green.

it's going to blow everyone's face off their head.

 

 

then sometime in 2015 i will paint my french doors black and move on to the living room and those F&B pink ground walls.

 

don't any of you go dyin on me.

 

 

 

 

things.

a quick hello and a w'zup from summer vacation.

 

for the endorphinators...

turns out i got the wrong kind of endorphinate.

i got the endorphinate PR...

the PR stands for pain relief and it's got the guarana aka caffeine that is ok in the AM but at 1:30 in the morning is not where it's at.

so at 5:41 AM (still awake) i googled endorphinate and realized that i needed the endorphinate AR....

 

which stands for ANXIETY RELIEF.

DUHHHHH.

so..

i ordered it and it should be here in a few days.

 

 

 

we need to talk about kevin.

 

 

 

or...

we need to talk about you not watching this movie ever.

 

i was under the assumption that this movie was a thriller, a horror movie.

 

it is not.

 

it is a slit your wrists kind of why in the fuck did i watch this shit not good time.

don't be fooled by that fun little cannes label..that was given by someone who doesn't have children.

and it's not earth shattering.

the times is dumb.

 

 

 that's all for now.

 

 

thanks.

 

 

 

 

memorial day on the estate...

 

 

isn't that what memorial day is supposed to look like?

i think so.

cold, stiff drinks.

red, white and blue.

games on the lawn.

 

my memorial day doesn't.

but that's beside the point.

 

 

endorphinate came in the mail today.

i took one and felt like i got a caffeine enema followed by an 8-ball facial followed by a pulp fiction-style adrenaline shot followed by a serious case of the sleeps.

not sure what it all means.

but i THINK it's maybe where you wanna be on memorial day.

 

 

 

in other news on a monday where no one is reading blogs...

 

fiona's room WILL be photographed BY A PROFESSIONAL this week.

 

i've started oil pulling again. 

 

and fiona has mastered the hula hoop..

 

watch it or i will punch you..

 

it kinda doesn't get any more memorial day than that.

 

mood board supplies:

sofa- vintage (check craigslist for ficks reed or rattan)

elephant- serena and lily

lantern- julian chichester

gingham pillow- etsy

chair- vintage

rattan coffee table- serena and lily

lobster pillow- furbish

rug- the rug loft

beverage bowl- serena and lily

red metal side table- nathan turner

vintage game- one kings lane

chest- vintage one kings lane

red, white and blue glasses- vintage one kings lane.