things you should know

it's monday and that is a good day to share information.

 

this weekend i dug up my garden.

remember my garden?

in the spring i planted carrots, zucchini, squash, lettuces, collards, tomatoes (3 kinds bc i was going to have tomatoes dammit),  onions and beets.

well...some of it grew and some of it didn't.

strangely no zucchini and like, one squash.

the lettuces were bitter.

the collards were overshadowed by the tomatoes (literally).

the beets laughed at me and the carrots grew but were the size of baby fingers.

the onions never even showed up.

but the tomatoes?

i still have TONS of tomatoes growing. 

 i have had more blt's than i have ever had in my life.

 

but i am pretty sure that i know what i did wrong.

#1 most important...i should have watered more.

but i also planted too much shit and didn't thin out enough.

 

when the pros say "thin out your seedlings"  they mean pull up 92% of those things so that you are left with like 4 strong roots.

i was too scared to pull them out and sad bc they were like children and i was murdering the tiny babies.

i am no baby murderer.

but it appears i have to be if i want to eat delicious babies..umm...vegetables. 

and i have to water a lot more than i did.

sure, i watered at the beginning...but then i was like...i'm bored with gardening.

 

you know what makes this garden work so well?

it's in england.

if you live in england you get to have the best gardens.

 

i live in the south.

it's hot and it doesn't rain a lot and being outside is akin to being inside the devil's butthole.

 

this is the same garden in the fall.

those cloches and freshly turned earth didn't get there by someone who watches ghost hunting shows in her leisure time.

 

so...this weekend i cultivated my garden and then tossed in some compost so as to plant some NEW vegetables.

this time i got seedlings rather than starting from seed.

though, i am still planting some of it by seed.

beets and carrots by seed.

broccoli, cauliflower, collards and chard PLANTS. 

 

i made a promise to myself that i wasn't going to overcrowd this time and get all excited thinking i was some kind of master gardener.

nope, i will water and compost, water and compost...

that's it.

the good news is the fall for us here in the south is like summer for people who live in england...

so our fall gardens are often more prolific than our spring and summer gardens.

 

here is p. allen smith's guide to what to plant in the fall:

broccoli

brussles sprouts

cabbage

cauliflower

lettuce

mustard greens

to name a few..

 

and here is his pinterest if you are pinterested.

 

 

also good to know..

those images up there come from my #1 most stalked blog..

ben pentreath.

he's an english architect who has an amazing home and garden in dorset.

he takes pictures of them both frequently.

he also has a book coming out which is on my list.

 

yes.

 

 

also good to know...

i have a tumblr.

just for my art...

 

 

this is where i corral all of my paintings on one site for you to look at and enjoy or poop on..

your choice.

 

 

happy monday everyone.

 

 

 

black and white and crazy

the hopscotch memory SOLD

18 x 24 acrylic on paper $100

 

 

gay carwash

18 x 24 acrylic on paper $100

 

 

 

my baby shot me down

18 x 24 acrylic on paper $100

 

email me.

 

 

mike is fashioning a giant wall in my dining room out of plywood so i can paint the big paintings on it.

 i like to call it ghetto studio.

 

have an awesome weekend.

see you monday.

 

 

 

before and after

 

 before tooth filling and finding out she gets laughing gas..

 

 

after filling and when laughing gas wears off..

 

 

 

also THIS:

 

 

deep pool by RL.

it is ocean AND forest.

 

i'm not done...it's going like 1 wall a day, every other day.

 

other things are changing too...

the desk is going to be black with gold detail.

the bedding is changing.

i am bringing in a tufted headboard in mustard velvet and i am on the hunt for the perfect night stands.

 

ok then.

 

thank you.

 

bye.

 

 

shit i do on the inside to be better on the outside (and also inside)

so here we are on the 2nd installment of product week.

 

this portion is all about what i use to keep my body and brain, right and tight.

 

harder to do now that i am over 40.

FUCKMYFACE!

 

i want to talk to the 20 year olds for a second here.

and the 30 year olds i guess too...

guys- if you don't work out and eat right you are setting yourself up for a fat attack when you reach 35.

possibly sooner, maybe later and definitely after you birth a human.

even you skinnies that don't have to do anything to be skinny.

YOUR BODY WILL CHANGE!

and it will feel like a smack in the face.

you will wonder what happened to the days when you could eat an entire box of cereal, a cake, a bag of jelly beans, and a giant pumpkin chai latte twice a day and not gain weight.

when working out was something you did at the gym only on the weekends and think you were fit because of it.

well dummy, guess what?

you were/are fit because you have the metabolism of a race horse.

and that shit packs up and leaves you..slowly...over the course of your 30's and into your death.

 

but!

there is help in that department...

don't get me wrong i am not advocating eating garbage and then taking this to speed up your metabolism.

working out will also become detrimental to your sanity once your periods start to wreak havoc and your mood swings start to make you a completely different person..

but this stuff really does help speed up your metabolism and burn fat while doing nothing.

 

i am talking about my beloved apple cider vinegar of course..

 

 

1 tsp to 1 tbsp in 8 oz of water 1 to 3 times a day.

it has helped me to lose that last bit of pudge (about 10 lbs) that i could not shake after having a baby.

i will never give it up.

it also helps with indegestion and upset stomach.

it's also great great great if you are coming down with a cold.

it's pretty amazing.

 

however, it MUST be the liquid.

the pills aren't the same for the weight loss.

they may help with the immunity, but they don't take away the bloat.

and it MUST be the raw kind with 'the mother'.

 

 

ok..

the workout.

i have been working out off and on since my teens.

mostly off.

but i would go through spurts.

like, i would work out every other day/4 times a week or 5 times a week for like a month.

then i wouldn't work out for 3 months.

sound familiar?

and it would either be JUST walking, JUST running or JUST the newest workout fad.

i was never smart about working out and i always worked out to be skinnier or in better physical shape.

and like everyone else i wanted immediate results and of course i never got them so i gave up.

 

let me now explain to you what took me years and years and years to figure out.

 

1. do NOT work out to look good.  well, i mean..DO....just have it be the OTHER reason you work out.

 

2. the PRIMARY reason i work out now is bc it FEELS good, it calms me and it disciplines me.

 

3. find the right workout for you.  and pick alternates.

for example..

do not just run.

run and do some muscular structure work that varies every day.

this could be weights, yoga, cross fit, krav maga whatever.

(i do not advocate krav maga simply bc saying the words 'krav maga' makes me want to remove my spleen and step on it)

 

 

4. eat less food.

boy oh boy this was/is hard.

but once i managed to figure it out and align myself with it..

it was easy to do.

i basically just...do it.

i stop eating when i mentally know i have had enough.

bc sometimes the physical can lie to you.

in other words your body won't know it's full until you give it a chance to feel the digestion at work.

if you feel full before you mentally know you've had enough you have probably stuffed yourself.

never ever stuff yourself.

 

because...

5. CARDIO SUCKS!

i hate cardio workouts.  i don't do them.

 i sweat with my workouts so i am getting some amazing exercise.

i just don't like to bounce.

my boobs do not like it.

and neither does my omnipod attached to my belly.

if you like this, then good for you!

do it!!  

bc cardio is a fat burner and if you are an over eater then cardio is your best friend.

even though over eating is wreaking havoc on your metabolism.

but at least if you're doing cardio you are revving it back up.

 

 

6. be patient.

this is so important.

it can take years...YEARS to see the results you want but if you don't stick with it you won't see anything, especially your feet past your gut.

 

7. try to avoid becomming bored with your routines.

 

which brings me to MY ROUTINES!!

 

tracy is my personal trainer.

 

she has literally changed the shape of my body.

we still have a ways to go-

as in forever.

i know that the more i proceed with her program the closer and closer i get to looking a lot like that picture.

the program i use is metamorphosis for abcentric fatties.

there are 4 types.

click to find yours.

 

the key to this workout is it changes every 10 days.

you get a new workout dvd every month.

and no, i don't do them every single day.

really, i hate the process of working out.

it's the main reason i never go to a gym.

it's like another step in the process of working out.

you have to get dressed, look a little bit cute and i ain't got that time.

getting up and putting on a sports bra is all the effort i want to make pre-workout.

 

because the reality is..

NO ONE WANTS TO GET OFF THE SOFA AND STOP WATCHING HOUSEWIVES OR JEFF LEWIS!!

BUT YOU HAVE TO.

 

 

which brings me to my OTHER workout..

 

this is way more of a mind workout than anything..

but it does work my body too.

greatly.

 

i do kundalini yoga and chakra yoga.

best. thing. ever.

 

i swear by this woman...

maya fiennes.

 

truth is i wouldn't stick with tracy if i wasn't involved with maya.

she is my guru.

 

and yes, her yoga is easy bc you almost never leave your bottom. 

it is metally challenging and slightly physically challenging.

there is chanting and meditation and you might be embarrassed if people are present while you are doing it so do it when you can be alone.

i am over that part and don't give a shit who hears me chanting om namo guru dev namo.

even though mike makes fun of her dippy songs and sings them all day long.

but doing her yoga practices make me feel centered, grounded, calm, awake, alive and happy.

you must keep with it and do it a lot.

i could be better about it bc as it is i probably do maya 4 times a week and tracy 4 times a week.

as in i double up 1 day a week.

and there are days i don't do anything bc i don't have time.

but that is my standard.

 

 

this is the dvd i do most.

 

 

the other practices i do are actually on youtube and they are the chakra yoga videos.

i am particularly fond of the 6th chakra practice.

 

 

i am addicted to her practices.

 

i hope you all will give it a try.

don't judge it and don't judge yourself when you are doing it.

go with it and trust it.

keep at it.

 

 

 

some other things that keep me in check mentally are...

 

 

bach flower essences.

i won't go into how they work bc it's another blog post.

but if you don't know about them, you should.

for a quick education get this.

my go to's are:

vervain

mimulus

cherry plum

white chestnut

 

 also great for kids.

fiona takes agrimony and larch

 

 

 

finally many of you may remember my poop issues (if you're new here..welcome to poop town. we talk about poop. i am the mayor.)

as soon as i started taking this regularly the poop issues went away almost completely..

 

 

 

 

 ok.

 

that's it.

 

enjoy it. do it.

love it.

eat it.

drink it.

suck on it.

 

 

 

 

 

products 4 life and how to be prettier.

as promised i did a round up of some of my favorite beauty products and things i use religiously. 

 

so hunker down with some strong coffee and get ready for some dumb blogger's stupid tips!

 

first of all know this..

i use a lot of different stuff for my hair, face and body.

i like to change it up.

and i get sucked into the latest trends, pretty packaging and what angelina jolie uses to get her alien glow just like everyone else.

and chances are if the gooper uses it i will use it too.

this is admittedly my douchiest quality.

that and apparently ripping up sweatshirts according to um no.

 

 

but these are the products i come back to over and over and pretty much always have on hand.

 

skin facts:

 

my skin is oily-ish dry-ish (totally truth).

i have big pores and a wrinkle in my forehead (aka the furrow of hate),

but i am relatively wrinkle free for my age (genetics).

unless i smize and then i have the feet of the crow.

but that's totally acceptable.

because everyone's prettier when they smize.

 

anyway...big pores.  i has 'em.

which means i also have zits.

but..

i believe my skin complaint in the near future will be sagginess and jowls.

 this is the path i am headed down.

starting face yoga immediately.

seriously. 

it's my next project.

 

 

 

hair facts:

 

my hair is wavy if i leave it alone and straight if i run a brush through it.

it's also colored/bleached.

and like my skin- oily.

the primary reason i can never have full bangs is because

shit gets greasier than mama june's 3rd chin.

 

 

ok, so now you know the know.

 

here are the goods..

 

 

 

1.  my go to cleanser for all times.. 

 acure cleansing gel facial cleanser.

it cleans wo drying it out.

simple as that.

i have tried thousands of cleansers over the years and they either dry my skin out so bad i need to slather my skin in moisturizer which then leaves it too greasy bc it has to compensate,

OR the cleanser leaves a film on my face.

hate.

this one is good. 

does none of the above. is organic and not too expensive.

 

 

 

2. face scrub...

boots in shower facial polish.

i love the smell and it scrubs well.

it's also at target and like 8 bucks.

i think it's silly to buy expensive exfoliators.

some might argue silly to buy them at all when you can make them with some ground nuts and apple cider vinegar.

which i do...but most of the time i am waaaaay too lazy to whip up a batch and this is always in my shower for a good scrub.

and i scrub my face every other day.

 

but seriously...grab some almonds, grind them up, add a splash of apple cider vinegar and a few drops of lemon oil or basil oil and you have an awesome exfoliator for your face that also tones and brightens.  

 

 

 3. say hello to the best toner in the world...

 gaelle organic's toner superieure.

shit is amazing.

worth every penny and something i never thought i needed until i began to use it.

i keep it in the fridge for major pore tightening.

i use it morning and night and it smells like roses and other flowers and shit.

and the lady on the front has an eye on her hand which is warding off the evil that is trying to ruin your beautiful skin.

 

 

4. moisturizer of my dreams..

also from gaelle organic.

creme suprerierue is expensive,

but a little goes a long way and it makes my skin glow.

really and truly.

it is regenerative and it's made for dry skin but my oily skin loves it too.

it is also worth every penny.

i use the teeniest tiniest bit i can and rub it in while the toner is still damp and this helps it to go further.

 

if you try any of the things on this list it's those last 2.

 

 

and that's it.

i don't get into specialized creams or wrinkle creams.

i think they are bull to the shit.

 

i think simple is best and too much is simply too much when it comes to skin.

i wish i could afford facials or at least remember to save for one once in a while bc i think they are kind of important.

and i DO want the clarisonic mia (asking for it for christmas)

but ultimately i think your skin will look good if you eat well and drink a lot of water.

period.

it won't matter what you put on it if the inside isn't up to par.

 

another thing i do once a month in lieu of spa facials is steam my face.

i boil some water in the kettle and hang my face over a bowl of steaming water for about 20 minutes.

throw a towel over your head and just let the steam open your pores.

after the 20 minutes is up i stand in front of my magnifying mirror and take a dry cloth and squeeze all the blackheads out.

GASP!

i know..some of you are like...no!!  you should never ever do that...blah blah.

but if you do it correctly it's actually a GOOD thing to do.

that dirt and oil and shit settles in your pores and causes breakouts and dull skin.

so..

how do you do it correctly?

well...steam the shit out of your skin so that nasty dirt comes out easily.

don't use your bare fingers.

use a soft cloth or a tissue between your two pointer fingers and squeeze and wipe, squeeze and wipe.

then when you are good and red and crazy looking..

take 2-4 drops of lavender essential oil and rub it in your palms to distrubute and then rub THAT all over your face.

this will kill all the bacteria that may be lingering and it will reduce the redness from residual bruising or breaking you might have caused to the capilaries.

 

 

 next up is the make up i use every day..

 

ok i don't wear make up every day.

but i am not as cute anymore without it, so i probably should.

 

but when i do this is it:

 

1. benefit boiing concealer.

it covers everything.

i have used it forever.

 

2. bare minerals spf foundation in fairly light.

have also used this forever.

i don't wear any other foundation ever.

it has changed my life.

 

3. sephora eye-shadow duo in fresh brown.

it's actually a brownish burgundy and a pinkish taupe.

looks great with blue eyes.

fact: i only wear eye-shadow when i have an audition or a date.

also fact: i never wear eye-shadow.

 

 

4.  tarte bronzer in park avenue princess.

great for fair skinned blondes.

i put it on my cheeks like blush and my forehead and chin and nose.

then i put my blush over that, but just on the apples of my cheeks.

 

 

5. nars powder blush in desire.

the best shade of pink on earth.

it looks great on everyone.

 

 

6. smith's minted rose lip balm.

i never ever wear lipstick or lip gloss.

this is the closest i get.

 

7.

blue bottle for my dewy face spray.

 

 

ok..so after i put on all of the make up...but before mascara and lip balm...i spray my face several times with my home made magic face spray.

it's especially great if you use the powder foundation from bare minerals.

it sets everything and just leaves your skin looking dewy, not like you just put on make up.

 

i keep distilled water in the fridge basically until it expires which is like, almost never.

then i add it to the blue bottle to which i have added 20 drops of lavender (winter and fall)

or 20 drops of tea tree (spring and summer).

you can add any oil you want...rose oil is great if you have really dry skin as is carrot oil.

 

i have been doing this for years.

 

one of my all time favorite books on essential oils is this one:

there is a cure-all recipe for just about everything in this book.

my copy is well worn and well loved.

 

 

 

ok hair stuff.

again...i use a lot of different stuff.

i don't wear any creams or styling products.

ever.

well with one exception if i have to..i'll get to that in a minute..

but as far as shampoos and conditioners go..i really have tried them all.

cheap, expensive, no chemicals, lots of chemicals...

i am a fan of pureology and go back to that quite a bit but for the last year i have used...

 

 

 

yep.

infomercial shampoo.

 

and trust me when i say it is hard for me to buy anything from this guy:

because he is clearly not a real human.

he is a cartoon camel

 

but i have to say my hair is softer and shinier and bouncier.

and i guess that's all anyone really wants for their hair to be, right?

the only drawback is that it takes longer to get the job done.

you have to really work up a sort of pseudo lather and that takes a good bit of elbow grease and approximately 7 minutes.

but there is no conditioner unless you are doing a deep coniditoning which is a separate product.

so that's a positive.

 

 

 

john masters organics sea salt spray.

so i mentioned that i don't use styling products and i really don't.

except for when i need a little hair spray to set a curl or something to help me tease my roots for an updo or whatever.

this product is not hairspray.

it's BETTER than hairspray.

get you some.

 

 

 

 

dr. bronners eucalyptus for my body.

also good for cleaning your make up brushes bc it's so gentle.

i love herbal smells.

tea tree is another favorite.

 

 

 

have cellulite and saggy skin?

guess what??

use a dry skin body brush religiously and you will greatly reduce all of that.

promise.

here's a tutorial.

 

 

 

and that's pretty much it.

at least for the products i use to make the outside pretty.

 

next up i will post about the inside out.

which includes the magic of apple cider vinegar, charcoal capsules, bach essences,  yoga, and tracy anderson

to name a few.

 

 

 so to end this long ass post i will tell you my top 5 important tips for good looks...

1. wash your face before you go to sleep at night.

2. do NOT over moisturize.  this is actually counterintuitive and anyone who tells you different is a knucklehead.

3. drink water more than you drink anything else.

4. give up diet soda.

5. eat less (reasonably, this doesn't mean starve yourself.  we americans eat far more than we need for the most part) and exercise.

 

 

this just in...

today i pretended i was a whole lot cooler than i really am...

 

i bought 2 cheap sweatshirts from target.

sweatshirts are in this season.

 (rolls eyes. but then also buys said sweatshirts)

 

and then i diy'd them, or something.

 

 

i sliced off the sleeves.

 

super deep.

bc showing your bra means you don't give a fuck.

 

then i realized i wasn't wearing pants.

 

 

so i put some on and diy'd the shit out of a yellow one.

 

i also dyed the ends of my hair pink..

try not to trip over my coolness.