tv catch up

let's catch up on some important issues.

the atlanta housewives are back..

and there are 2 new ladies.

kenya "don't call me miss america" moore...

miss moore is beautiful, strong, has a sad/crazy past and is full of the charity.

and she's a big fat dick.

also new to the cast..

porsha someone.

she is the grandaughter of hosea williams.

*hosea was MLK's right hand man.

but i know him better as the street in atlanta you don't want to be on alone at night.

porsha tries too hard.  

and she's kind of a birdbrain.

between the 2 of them there is a serious amount of donkey...

kaddaaoowww!!!

i pledge allegiance to the united states of nene.

guess i better watch the new normal.

moving on..

this picture pretty much sums up this parade of assholes to a T.

taylor is giving me full on freak.

she sucks up all of the everything with her giant wormhole mouth.

if you stand within a 5 mile radius you will get sucked up too.

she is one surgery away from the joker.

and i don't give a shit about lisa and adrienne's feud.

though i did think adrienne's flower arrangement was amazing.

it was like if regular flowers all had gone to see paul for a deadly amount of botox injections and lip plumpers...

not normal.

the truth is i hate everyone on this show except brandi.

and lisa.

moving on..

million dollar assholes.

and in this instance i mean assholes in a good way.

i live for mary mcdonald.

her "i was probably drunk and didn't make it up the stairs" just sealed my love shut.  tight.

there were a few makeovers..

mary's..

 

snooze.

 i know this was a guest house and supposed to be "spa like"...

but it's just so...florida condo spec house.

right?

i mean what the shit is this?

 

to me this was hgtv if hgtv had a million dollar budget.

sorry mary..i love you hard but this was not you.

is this like when a super star actor like meryl streep does a movie like santa dogs 2?

and then this..

what the fiery fuck was this martyn lawrence bullard?

just because you CAN spend 30 million decorating a house doesn't mean you SHOULD.

it's like you have no where to go but down when you are that high up.

first of all...

that whole room is a college education...a lifetime supply of food for a villiage in africa....

an ADOPTION!

second of all..

black patent leather curtains are not ok.

but, i know someone who more than likely thought it was awesome...

yes.

 * hosea williams has done some real important shit and was a hero.

but there is a street named after him here in atlanta that is in a shady part of town.

mostly. 

information monday

hey fartfarters!

welcome to monday.

may it be awesome.

so..

what happened this weekend here at our house?

well on saturday we went out in nature.

which is always a win situation..unless you get eaten by a bear.

thankfully we did not.

here i am in my best lesbian sweatshirt.

fiona is obviously pooping her pants.

i could have fallen asleep on those rocks so easy.

it was cold but the sun was so warm.

i can see why lizards do it a lot.

mike brought his favorite purse.

if you live in georgia please go to this place.

it's sweetwater creek state park and it rules.

also..

my art is featured in the december issue of style at home magazine along with a few other painterly folks..

a big thank you to christine at bijou and boheme for mentioning us. 

and speaking of art..

remember this GIGANTOR painting?

it ended up being too big for my client.

TOTALLY my mistake so i am selling it to you.

this mother is big.

60 x 70.

it is impossible to ship unless you are stupid rich.

the only way i can ship it is by taking it off the stretchers and mailing it in a tube.

which is pretty inexpensive.

but then you will have to have it re-stretched by a reputable canvas genius superstar stretcher.

or just a regular guy at your local art store/framer.

i am selling it for half off.

so email me if you are interested.

p.s. i am not totally finished with it so if you choose to buy it we can talk about that.

 UPDATES!  it has sold.

thank you so much for inquiring.

monday sparkles,

american horror story recap. still wearing a diaper.

i can say for the first time while watching this show i was physically uneasy.

my heart was racing and i was sweating.

i mean...

SHIT JUST GOT REAL.

a solid 6 out of 6 TFIS/TFWT's...

 

we start things off in a great place...jude is visiting jewish mr. magoo...

 

i'm down with mr. magoostein.

he hunts nazis in a series of comical situations as a result of his nearsightedness compounded by his stubborn

refusal to admit the problem. however, through uncanny streaks of luck, the situation always seems to work

itself out for him, leaving him no worse than before. 

 nothing scary about that..

in fact...HILARIOUS!!!

but then magooberg starts in about the SS and well...there's nothing funny about that.

he basically tells sister jude that she might want to stay away from dr. dickhead and pretend like nothing is suspicious.

despite all of us now DYING to see the scene where dr. dickhead removes his shirt to reveal that blood type tatoo on his bicep.

BECAUSE YOU KNOW IT'S THERE! 

cut to dr. arden being led to jude's office with a bloody knee and anne frank behind him with a gun..

sister eunice is looking through jude's desk..probably not for her ravishing red lipstick...

she leaves..

but someone else has a gun..

the muscle behind briarcliff....

it's frank!!

he will blow your gawddam brains out.

later, anne is waking from sedation wearing her "crazy jammies"

...jude is questioning her about what she saw.

jude wants so badly to believe arden is who she says he is.

we all do jude...we all do.

she tells jude to look in his lab..

which she does..

 "fuggettaboutit"

she finds nothing.

of course.

and here's where it all started..

my perpetual side-eye and subsequent poopy pants.

so this handsome fella...claaaims to be anne's husband only her name is charlotte or some such fuckery.

i don't know about you but for like .0001 seconds i believed this guy..

but then i was all..

and then they started in with the Truman Show type clips..

and my smarts kicked in..

so here's this handsome guy...ACTOR...who is playing the part of anne frank's husband and she is being brainwashed.

they are filming her for research.

she is MOST DEFINTELY anne frank y'all.

the government is trying to erase her memory.

who's with me?

once anne sees her "husband"..

 she's like...F you pal.

there are brain zap type memory flashes and i'm like..

the government are a bunch of assholes!

she is anne frank!!

and the government is a dick.

(can you tell i totally want her to be anne frank?)

meanwhile in castration nation..

grace and kit are angsty about never having babies or something.

grace freaks out, passes out and is awakened by some real bright light...

in the common room (domineekaneekaneek)...

threadskin (shudder)  tells lana that she better get her shit packed and meet him under the stairs at 6:00.

don't be late! (for your de-skinning!)

threadskin gets kit to confess ON TAPE to the murder of his wife and all those other ladies.

grace, covered in KY, has been transported to alien land and sees alma who is pregnant.

there is cutting.

 back on earth..

dr. dickface is telling jude she is over. 

O.V.E.R!

 also there is fire.

 

 euni is helping arden with his ouchy.

she tells him how she got rid of shelley..by dragging her down the hall.. 

and to a school yard apparently...

 

 

over here there was an inappropriate amount of laughter.

because as gross as that shit was..it was EXTRAORDINARLY funny to me.

don't read that wrong though..

that's usually what happens when something is so disturbing that i can't act like a normal human and avert my eyes or change the channel.

i just continue to watch and laugh.

so anne apparently tried to smother her actor baby.

to which they promptly brought her back to b-cliff.

arden and his horse head cane are smug about it.

 he tells her actor husband that he can fix all her problems by shanking a hole in her head like a caveman writes a memo.

threadskin and lana safely make it past the guards..

barely.

jude prays.

frank enters to inform jude that lana has most definitely escaped... 

 

jude cries a little bit over her childhood and a dead squirrel.

jessica lange wins another emmy.

(seriously i watched this scene three times)

 lobotomy time.

since jude's goose is cooked at briacliff she decides to get her other goose cooked.

(her vagina is the goose and 'cooked' means sex)

meanwhile in a mid century lair... 

 lana enters with THREAD-SKIN (!!!!) 

she looks around..noticing all the (amazing) furniture and how clean and pretty and totally fucking creepy everything is..

 like this lampshade...with nipples.

 and this bowl...that is really a hollowed out skull...(talk about upcycling)...

yeah..so like how scared were you during this whole scene?

this is when i gave in and went and put on one of fiona's baby alive diapers.

so well written and acted.

i mean you pretty much knew that threadskin was up to something and you were HOPING that he was maaaybe going to slip her some drugs and watch her while she slept and maybe touch her on her privates because as fucked up as that is it is not NEARLY as fucked up as what's coming...

 so she wanders down the (amazing rosewood) hall into a closet that is not the bathroom ..

she asks if he builds furniture..

"mostly lamps"

"i make the shades"

"what material do you use?"

"skin"..

and then SLLLLUUUOORRRPPP...

sucked down through a trap door.

(is that human bacon on the table?)

back at b-cliff... 

"don't mind me i was probably just impregnated by aliens...see..look..."

 so the aliens took this castration as an opportunity to do some probing.

no one would be the wiser.

aliens are smart.

grace tells kit that she saw alma..and that he was right...about all of it...

as he's being pulled away by jim carrey and that guy that always plays a cop.

because threadskin had kit confess to the murders of those women and that means threadskin is home free..

free to make more lamps.

meanwhile back in the well appointed dungeon..

lana wakes up with shackles around one of her ankles and notices a body lying near her..

she'd recognize that back and short, shaggy lesbo 'do anywhere... 

it's her wendy!

of course wendy is dead and iced down like she had just been carved out of a crevasse.

and then threadskin walks in in what i can only assume is his carving outfit.. 

denim shirt buttoned up to his neck..

apron with overcoat..

perfectly brylcreemed hair.

he tells lana why he's kept wendy frozen..

that under normal (?!) circumstances he would have already peeled off her skin and cut off her head..

but he wants to see the lovers kiss on the mouth.

and god knows what else..

it is at this point that if you weren't already clear he reveals that he is indeed...

bloody face.

he tells lana not to worry though, wendy won't bite.

because he took her teeth out as he taps against the teeth on the mask.

FUCKING FUCKDICKBUTTSHIT!

lana acts accordingly.

 elsewhere...

sister jude does the walk of shame.

and anne franka is freshly lobotomized and "happy"... 

 she tells her actor husband and her actor baby that they can throw away her nazi craft project..

she doesn't think it will sell on etsy anyway.

and we are left with this image...

hitler and his sidekick hans grouperfish aka dr. arden.

so...

this was a game changer, no?

this whole episode had me on the edge of my seat and swimming in my own feces.

i mean..i knew it was coming..that threadskin was not REALLY going to just save lana..but not to what extent.

and let's just pause for a minute over my silly name chaning ways.

his real character name is THREDSON.

i called him THREAD-SKIN.

for no other reason than i just like to change names to something far more juvenile and stupid.

I MEAN HE THREADS SKIN FOR CHRISSAKE!

anyway..i predict that threadskin is going to only partially take lana apart..leaving her horribly maimed but still able to write a book telling his story.

this will most certainly play homage to the movie misery with kathy bates.

interesting fact of the day..

did you know that james cromwell is 6'7 and a vegetarian?

ok..spill it.

thoughts? predictions? confused?

i am spent.

having to watch this show twice and talk about it and relive it was not my most favorite moment in life.

i am glad it's over.

bathroom shit part 2.. your questions answered.

i am not surprised by your enthusiasm for yesterday's post.

i knew when i was writing it that it would strike a chord.

know why?

because builder grade is a crime and we are like the police of bad design.

i'd like to have a badge and be the police chief.

i would say things like..."sir.. you are under arrest for the abuse of boob lights."

and "ma'am, i am sentencing you to design rehab because this tumbled travertine is a gateway tile."

if anything HGTV needs to go ahead make this show happen.

although the concept would contradict 97% of their existing programming.

brian patrick flynn and i have discussed doing something together..

maybe this is it...we'll call it Cagney and Gaycey.

anyway..

a few of you had some questions yesterday that i would like to address..

q: mfamb can i mix metals in the bathroom?

a: not only CAN you mix metals in the bathroom....i encourage it!

i think it's more important to pick the right finish than anything anyway..

i.e. no oil rubbed bronze.

but antique brass looks great with polished chrome.

if you've got a chrome faucet pair it with a guilded mirror.

or brass sconces.

let's look at a few examples of mixing metals...

those appear to be silver/chrome drawer and cabinet pulls with antique brass sconces and a chrome faucet.

 

that's some antiqued brass mirrorness with some chrome faucetness.

which looks amazing with the glossy tiles.

those tiles look as if they floated down, ever so gently and just landed there on the wall.

or have i had too much acid?

i love lake bell's vintage bathroom.

it reminds me of my grandma's bathroom and i mean that in the best way possible.

this bathroom could be seen as TOO vintage to some...

but those wood and brass shelves add a hint of sophistication and rustic glamour.

which really just makes the space that much more interesting.

plus that yellow tone in the brass plays nicely with all the greeny gray.

polished chrome.

brass lions.

polished chrome.

brass mirror.

this is full of the mix.

even the legs on the sink are a mixed marriage.

chrome.

gilt.

shower door and frame and sconces.

look how your eyes are drawn to those sconces.

the overall tone in this bath is so one-note that they offer a nice break for your eyeballs.

yeah yeah...you get the idea.

i approve of mixing metals.

let us now have a word about metals.

the choices are usually chrome, nickel, bronze, brass, pewter..and then there are the finishes like satin, polished, antiqued and brushed.

to me, anything 'satin' is a no go.  i just think it looks cheap.

usually.

chrome or polished chrome is usually the metal of choice.

it can go modern, traditional and everything in-between.

polished nickel works too, it just has a sort of antique silver look and doesn't work well in a more modern setting.

i mean i guess it could, i have been wrong before.

brushed means they take a brush and essentially "brush" the shine away and there are usually visible brush strokes.

satin is a matte finish without the brush strokes.

as a rule chrome tends to have blue undertones and nickel has yellow undertones.

i don't enjoy brushed chrome, usually.

brushed brass however i like, it has a more modern feel. 

polished brass can look tacky and old lady if you're not careful but looks really awesome if you use it correctly.

and antique brass is good too, again it depends how it's used.

another reason i recommend a designer.

here's some polished nickel:

see how it's a little more yellow and almost has a sterling silver look?

 here is polished chrome:

 satin nickel:

this is brushed brass:

 

these are the lewis dolin cabinet pulls.

i has them in my bathroom.

this is polished brass:

this is oil rubbed bronze:

i suppose it could work somewhere..

on planet tuscan pukeface.

just kidding...

i actually found a bathroom that it works in..

it is california rustic so that helps...and they are working here to offer a good contrast.

but you gotta give me real stone, natural wood, some kind of aged steel sconce thing happening, some iron and some bone inlay to make me love your oil rubbed bronze faucets, beeatch. 

otherwise just say no to them.

here's the way i like to think about it overall..

most bathrooms are small....and if you have a bunch of dark to dark-ish stone everywhere it's gonna look heavy.  and then if you add that dark bronze, well, that's just going to weigh it down even more.

white keeps things light, it's a safe bet.

polished chrome is also a good bet.

you can go modern or traditional with either.

just remember.. 

polished brass can be modern if the lines are clean.

polished brass can be utilitarian if the fixture is old school.

polished chrome is a safe bet.

nickel looks great when used in a traditional space...the yellow undertones warm up cold marble.

brushed brass looks great on modern knobs and lighting but i would pair it with a chrome faucet.

bronze works if the space is large and the materials tend to be light colored stone, warm natural woods with a good mix of a cooler metal...like antique pewter or steel.

these are not rules.

just what i like.

next topic..

q: i live in a stepford neighborhood....

everyone else has beige on the inside but i have good taste and want to deocrate to reflect my taste..

but i worry about it being so different from the other homes..should i decorate the way i want?

a: yes.

i am assuming you mean that if you put all this good taste (and dollar bills) into your stepford house will the next person come along and not appreciate it or the fact that your house is worth more than the other houses next door that look EXACTLY the same?

still...the answer is yes.

i don't think you should build your dream kitchen or put some damn marble in your bathroom unless this is your dream home and/or a home you intend to be in for at least 10-20 years.

but i strongly encourage you to be true to your self and decorate your house to make it your home and a place that you want to be in.

that is what a home should be.

so don't live with ugly.

if your kitchen is espresso or mahogany with travertine floors and vomit chunk granite counter tops-

paint the cabinets yourself to coordinate as best you can with the granite, change the backsplash, lighting and faucet and maybe sink.

here's why...the granite (gag) is a selling point to most people.

but you can downplay it with some glossy gray or green cabinets and fantastic hardware and a showstopper of a kitchen light.

all with very little damage to your wallet.

if it's a bathroom...i say rip that shit out and start over.

because as i talked about in yesterday's post there are options out there that offer good looks without a lot of money.

but still....if you are not 100% certain hire a designer (not a home depot designer) who's work you love to help you pick out finishes. 

you can still do the work yourself. 

at the end of the day this is YOUR house right now and you never know what will happen tomorrow so live for the moment and make your house pretty.

build a better bathroom

yesterday i toured 2 homes for sale in my area.

one needed a complete renovation.

the other was supposedly "move in ready"..

and for all intents and purposes it was.

but it was real fucking ugly.

this happens all the time.

the homeowner does a cheap remodel (though i am aware that no remodel is cheap...it's just money NOT well spent), with the intention that the new homeowner will feel that all they have to do is plop down their furniture and call it a day.

and in theory that is awesome.

but in reality you have to deal with someone else's hideous taste and then try to convince your husband who doesn't care what something looks like to rip out that brand new sink and tile in the master bath, hall bath and more than likely kitchen...for something that doesn't make you cry. 

in truth the kitchen wasn't terrible...just needed a different color on the walls and cabinets and to change out some hardware and fixtures (lights, ceiling fan..etc)

easy.  and fun, really. 

but the bathrooms. 

oy.

everything just so generic and builder grade..

espresso, beige, pocked tiles with decorative edges, brushed stainless everything...stab stab stab.

i am also aware that to so many people those finishes are "designer" and "beautiful". 

but what i wanna know is when did beige and espresso become beautiful?

sure, beige CAN be beautiful...but NEVER when we are talking about tile.

beige tile is wrong.

that sink in fact was the very sink i looked at yesterday in one of the "gorgeously remodeled bathrooms".

coming in at a whopping $199 at home depot.

yes, that's cheap.

and it looks it.

here are some bathrooms that i wouldn't need to change and would, in fact, be thrilled about and more apt to buy the house they were in BECAUSE OF them.

i chose these specifically for their simplicity, in other words they don't scream custom or designer or something you couldn't pull off yourself.

this one was done by bailey of peppermint bliss.

now granted she is a designer but this look is easy to achieve yourself and you can get just about everything in this bathroom at home depot.

i am a huge advocate of furniture in the bathroom.

no, marble is not an affordable option for most people.

but subway tiles are and so are hex tiles.

all available at home depot.

it is my thinking that white subway tiles should be the new beige tiles for all bathroom remodels when you aren't a designer or when you don't know anything about design and are on a tight budget.

and really, all the more reason to hire a designer.

a designer will save you money in the long run.

i am not a fan of vessel sinks usually but they are mostly inexpensive and look best paired with a piece of furniture that you transform into a sink.

red may not be for everyone, but tell me you wouldn't be psyched to find that as your hall bath instead of this:

this set up is common in so many bathrooms.  

big vanity, big mirror..

this one is obviously custom but you can paint an existing vanity in good condition, add fancy hardware

and splurge on the lighting and faucets.

bead board is cheap when it's sold as a sheet.

and hanging it horizontally reads less country to me.

that table is super basic and could be found on craigslist for next to nothing.

this bathroom looks to me like it was done on a VERY limited budget.

but it's so simple and understated that it looks a lot more expensive than it is. 

this looks like it could be an outdoor type situation..

but in any case it looks like they did little to the existing vintage space.

just replaced the tile and added a cute little pine dresser.

i love when a vintage home still has it's charm.

don't take away the charm people!!

it's important to note that the tile still FEELS vintage.

imagine if they put a bunch of that beige shit in here.

those tiles are one of my favorites. (available at home depot)

and that's a basic pedestal sink, an old table and some beadboard.

the tub is a luxury.

i know those sinks are expensive and it's not the end all be all of sinks..

you could easily have a simple vanity painted white or a coordinating color and it would all still be good.

the tiles, the beadboard...you get the idea.

the tub surround is a good way to give a high end custom look without a lot of cost.

subway tile with pale gray grout is a win.

and the shower door is practically invisible.  

thank you.

 that rug adds just the right amount of pizzaz.

win.

 (splurge on the marble and faucet- paint a builder grade cabinet)

oh i hear you.

"wallpaper is a tough re-sell jenny..don't be a stupid!"

while in theory that might be true..

you'd be lying if you didn't walk into this bathroom and think it was great.

even wallpaper haters.

let's not forget the point here.

the point is that bathroom with the wallpaper

vs. this..

p.s. that bathroom with the wallpaper has beige floor tiles.

but who noticed that with the pretty wallpaper everywhere?

so let's recap..

stay away from beige tiles.

i get that you think it will hide dirt.

but to me that is super gross.

i want to see the dirt so that i can clean the dirt.

white bathrooms are a better choice bc they tend to feel cleaner in general and a lot more open and airy.

plus simple white tiles with a vintage (subway, penny) feel won't look dated, they'll just look charming.

remodeling a bathroom by yourself?

hire a designer.

if you want to do it yourself try to think outside the box.

incorporate furniture if you can and splurge on a beautiful faucet. 

still want to do one stop shopping at home depot?

it can be done...

but i would recommend turning a piece of furniture into a sink and then the rest be home depot..

 all of this shiz (except the vanities) is from home D..

still want a vanity from home depot?

do this:

again, all from home d.

naomi remodels bathrooms a lot and she made this for us:

here's her blog post regarding those sink vanities.

and if you live in the greater philadelphia area i suggest you call her up for a consult on your bathroom remodel.

if you live in atlanta i suggest you call me.

i may not know a thing about the act of remodeling but i can help you pick shit that isn't ugly.

i hope you enjoyed this post.

because searching for shit on home depot's website that wasn't horrible looking was not a quick endeavor.

tables and parties: my thoughts.

november is a motherfucker of domesticity.

all i wanna do is cook and throw parties.

problem is throwing parties is something i never actually do.

primarily bc parties cost money even if everyone else brings the food.

what with all the cleaning to do before hand and sprucing up the house..

fresh flowers and shit...booze...kids activities to plan..it all seems to cost money.  even if you don't plan to spend it.  it's like a money troll comes in and hijacks your credit cards and then somehow the week of the party your tires need replacing.

and then holiday parties are so close to the HOLIDAYS...which is really the worst time to have a party.

plus the older you get the harder it is to get people together.

do i even have any friends?

i'm not actually sure.

and then there's that weird window of like 1 or 2 saturdays that people are even available.

and i hate everyone elses kids.

so..umm...what was i saying?

oh yeah!!

parties are hard.

i wonder if i will ever actually have one.

 tell me how to have a party oh wise internet friends.

where i get away with spending no money..

because i think that's the way mike would want it.

here are some tables i like to look at and some bars with booze.

my bar has a half drunk bottle of gin that i think is about 3 years old,

a few cans of club soda and an unopened bottle of pimms because no one actually drinks pimms but lonny tells me it looks good on my bar cart. 

these people look like they know how to throw a party.

this looks like some ladies are gonna throw down some pimms.

where'd everybody go?

that food's gonna get cold.

have you ever eaten a cold brussels sprout?

not something you do twice.

this is nice to look at, yes?

it's like some gay gentlemen are about to drink some fine scotch and talk about shoes.

let me tell you..i am NOT a placemat person.

but this one is giving me sea grass rug and everyone knows how right a sea grass rug is.

perfect flowers.

i can't stand at a dinner table when there is a gigantor "centerpiece".

no one can reach the food or see who you are talking to but really..it's about reaching the goddamn food.

if i come to your house and there's a giant centerpiece in the middle of the table i will throw it out the window.

this is pretty.

the animals are cute.

good to know.

that centerpiece is pushing my patience...but it's REALLY pretty.

i like the plates. 

and i am proud of those carnations.

i might paint my dining room blue just to do this at thanksgiving.

that's normal, right?

ok.  

i know.

the centerpiece...it's big. 

but i think this whole shebang is perfect.

we can move the flowers right?

and finally...the bar to end all bars..

this is for the serious party thrower. 

the party that i wanna be invited to.

what are your rules and thoughts on parties/tables?

how can i have a free party?

domestic farts,