all i want for christmas is for damian lewis to open his mouth a little bit more when he talks..

seriously..

the anne hathaway SNL skit wasn't kidding.

his mouth is small.

and..

a bottle of this for which to pour all over my body...

i got a sample of it the other day and it smells so good. 

non-perfume-y subtle.  

i will take the bath oil and lotion too and if there's a candle i'll take that too.

and this..

it's time.

also my vacuum actually BLOWS dust out as it sucks dust up.

and...

a marble pastry slab.

for when i make biscuits and pies on thanksgiving.

also probably the closest i'll ever actually get to marble in my kitchen.

 and..

the vacu vin wine saver.

 no explanation needed.

other than fresh wine is important.

and if you went to my shop yesterday looking for new paintings..

i am sorry.

yesterday it poured donkey rain balls all day and i couldn't get outside to take pics.

i will have them there this weekend for your half off shopping needs.

new curse words for us all!!!!

 thanks to you i now know a handful of awesome curse words...

here are a few of my new favorites...

clearly i favor "cunt" to any other curse word.

i rarely use it myself.

until now!!

thanks for entering and sharing with me your favorite swears.

doing a giveaway on a blog is a bit like throwing a party and chewing your fingernails off waiting and wondering if anyone will even come.

stress!

i will close the comments at 10 pm tonight.

so there's still time to enter if you haven't already.

meanwhile...

i will be adding some new paintings to my shop later today so that you can still take advantage of my half off in december sale.

like this one:

she moved right in

40 x 60 acrylic and oil on canvas.

what what.

tittyfarts,

merry fartmas

 hey!

it's christmas present time!!!!

personally selected presents from me to one of you!

1. super natural everyday is my go-to detox/healhty recipe cookbook.

try the avocados and mustard seeds.  it won't let you down.

unless you hate avocados and mustard seeds.  then you'll probably barf.

2. gaelle organics soap supreme.  awesome soap that cleans your face without drying out your skin. 

it melts fairly easily though so keep it dry between usage.

3.  swell.  12 x 12 acrylic on canvas by me.

brightest pink orange balanced by sandy beige.

4.  kundalini yoga to detox and destress.  i swear by this one practice above all others in life.

you will love maya fiennes.

it is 45 minutes of pure relaxation with a small side order of sweat.

this practice has defined my arms more than tracy anderson.

5.  paule marrot guest towels- because everyone loves paule marrot things.

6. wen cleansing conditioner + intensive hair treatment.  ok i confess this was an extra that i had here at the house.  but i thought if you wanted to try it before you buy it that that would be kind of awesome.

here's a tip- use it every other shampoo. 

even if you only wash your hair once a week, still follow those instructions.

and follow the instructions on the label for how to use it. 

7. diptyque bais mini candle.  ok, this is the small one bc the big one is real 'spensive. 

and i think i got the last mini on amazon.  

 it smells really good. 

like carrie bradshaw's apartment.  

and rich people's houses.

if you want to win this super duper awesome gift, probably the best gift you'll receive this christmas..

all you have to do is leave a comment telling me your favorite curseword.

yep.  just a curseword, your name, AND A MOTHERFUCKING EMAIL ADDRESS!!!

please don't forget that part.

and do yourself a favor and write your email address like this..

tawonka AT gmail DOT com

or whatever your email is...

otherwise you are likely to get a shitload of spam and you don't want that.

ok.

i will choose a winner at random this thursday night to be announced friday morning.

and yes this is open to everyone in the world.

just don't expect it by christmas if you live outside the US.

merry fartmas everyone.

ok. here we go.

it's monday.

how are you all doing?

i tweeted that i was setting up a hug station at my house.

i wasn't kidding.

i feel like hugs might just be the answer.

for some of us anyway.

facebook sucks a dick right?

i mean how many arguments on gun control vs. mental health awareness can one get into?

evidently a lot.

the truth of it all for me is i am trying hard to not think about it.

ignore it. 

no news. 

no articles.

nothing.

it has helped.

until last night.

last night i had this awful sinking feeling.

i couldn't get to sleep.

it was hard for me to close my brain off to imagined details.

 i haven't watched one second of news, so the "details" are indeed imagined.

i watched the president's speech for 3 minutes and shut it off.

so why couldn't i sleep?

i slept fine friday and saturday night..why not sunday?

and then it hit me.

i had to send fiona to school in the morning.

panic set in.

i kept thinking about the moms and dads who hugged their tiny kindergartners goodbye that morning and will never be able to hug them again.

i imagined details like fuzzy sweaters and mismatched socks.

it hurt me.  it's killing me. 

that one moment they shared that morning will forever be their last moment on earth together.

literally saying goodbye.  

and so i am terrified to send her to school today.

absolutely terrified.

and fuck everything that is holy that i have to, that WE mothers have to feel this one more shred of fear and worry in our already MILE HIGH LIST OF WORRIES THAT GOES ROUND AND ROUND OUR HEADS!

FUCK YOU,FUCK YOU,FUCK YOU!

sorry.

and sorry for bringing this up again.

i'm sure many of you are here for a comical respite to your own fears and worries.

but i am so sad and scared. 

i am trying to visualize myself as a glowing orb of positivism and i am upping my chakra yoga practice...

but jesus...it's hard as a mom to deal with this.

in fact i think this may just be my 9-11.

back in sept. 2001 i was too immature and fancy free to really feel that sinking fear of everything.

when you're young you have an invincible quality that wanes markedly the older you get.

this is my 9-11.

this is causing straight up depression.

as i know 9-11 did for so many.

but i will be ok.

because i am not a victim.

and i HATE to say this but i think this is one of those tragic events that will bring on massive, much needed change in this country.

it might happen quickly and it might happen slowly.

but it will happen. and because of it lives will be saved.

so yes, sometimes something horrid has to happen in order for real change to occur.

 i will never say i am thankful for this but i will say that i am hopeful that good will come out of it.

we are a divided country.

it was hilariously notable during this year's election.

and i am seeing how divided we are again.

so many of you are taking the stance that we need MORE guns.

arm up!!  arm yourselves.

fight violence with violence.

give those teachers guns!

i stand clearly and wholly that this is the OPPOSITE of what we need to do.

as moms we have to work harder to protect our children, but not with guns.

this is sending a retarded message.

we have to sign petitions, we have to be on our game.

we have to research our options.

we have to vote for the right person who has our children's best interest in mind.

we have to seriously vote for better health care in this country.

we have to recognize mental illness as something that can be treated.

but we also cannot abuse mental health drugs and give them to everyone who is sad or lost or has severe hormonal imbalance.

this can often be the cause of BIGGER mental illness.

i am making changes around here, in my own house for starters.

i am going to pay closer attention to what fiona watches.

i mean, yes, fiona is still into care bears and fairies but i am going to make sure those care bears are hugging each other not blowing each other up.

you'd be surprised at what is in cartoons these days.

and i am going to make better efforts at being a peaceful mom.

 these changes are small.

but i think it is exactly where we need to start.

at home.

children are more despondent and confused about things than we ever were.

they have a bigger span of awareness than we ever did.

and there is more stuff circling their brains than ever was for us.

people talk about how things were when they were young and treating problems the way they were treated "back then"..

but so much has changed.

we have to keep up with these changes and we have to respect that our approach to treating things has to change too.

the world is a much much heavier place with many more issues to take in and process.

i think we need to drop any agenda we may have and come together to protect the innocents of this world no matter what.

that doesn't mean to hide them from the truth or shelter them from all things uncomfortable.

why, that makes our job too easy.

nope...it will be inherently harder for us as parents to make this happen.

but we have to understand that stepping up and making changes for our children's future is the most important thing we can do as parents apart from loving them unconditionally.

we need to be smarter.

we need to wake up.

we need to change just about everything.

ok.

i'm done.

this is supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year.

the hap happiest season of aalllllllll.....

 so in the spirit of the holidays i have a special present to give one of you lucky sons of bitches.

come back tomorrow for ZERO discussion on this matter and only amazing presents that i picked out with my bare hands and paid for with my own money to give to you.

it is my way of saying i love you all so very much.

my readers.

my friends.

i am happy to have this place in the world to say what's on my mind and bring a smile to your face (maybe).

see you all tomorrow.

and p.s.

if you have children and want to talk to them about this- here is a great article about how to do so.

also mr. rogers is in it.

mom farts,

hippie words for this bag-of-dicks day

 as if someone could ever walk into a school and kill small beautiful innocent oblivious little baby children.

but someone did.

they did.

my friend amanda posted this on her own blog today...

her doula, a woman who brings perfect babies into this world, shared these words of wisdom with amanda when she was feeling terribly low...like all of us are right now...and i had to re-post them for you all to read too.

because i am having a hard time and i don't feel like it is going to get any easier any time soon.

 the following advice helped me the instant i read it.

read it.

do it.

It might be hard, but try to keep yourself out of the media fray with this. I know it feels insensitive, but it is not. You aren’t doing anything for any of the families or the world by following details; you’re just making yourself resonate in a way that channels pain, angst, and fear.

Remember that we are all vibrational—we vibrate on the frequencies of what we expose ourselves to. And then that vibration goes out into the shared world. Right now, there is a LOT of pain, angst, and most especially fear being spun out into the Universe, and into our collective consciousness (because we are ALL, every thing, more intimately connected than we may realize). The best thing you can do for the collective consciousness, our world’s heart, and our minds/souls is to resonate love, and your peace. So light a white candle for those who are hurting, including yourself… pray/meditate, acknowledging your fear and pain but then *releasing* it, and try to put yourself in a place firmly of being a prism of powerful GOOD and PEACE.

Especially when you’re in the midst of chaos, and when we’re surrounded by an echo chamber of folks who love to dive into pain and splash around in it until everyone in reach is all soaked (like FB, like the media), it’s not easy to distance yourself. I am careful where I click and watch, and I try to visualize, because it’s the easiest way for me to immediately change my own inner channel: I visualize the world around me as murky and discolored (to allow myself to acknowledge whatever it is that is wrong without indulging myself in visualizing specifics), and then myself in that world, still and glowing. And then I try to focus my visualization until I can see my own light intensify with whatever color message I want to put into it: in this case, peace, steadiness, love. And the glow spreads from my person to my surroundings until I’m slowly able to color and focus the area around me, more and more, until it’s powerfully lit, calm and clear. By banishing that murkiness in your visualization, and lighting yourself from inside, you are manifesting that.

ANY visualization that is taking you away from what the media is feeding you and putting you on a frequency of YOUR choosing will be helpful, to you and everyone else. YOU get to choose your vibration—you do not have to be held captive and add yourself to the victim toll, which is what mentally happens when you resonate with the all-too-abundant negativity surrounding chaos like this. Be thankful for your blessings, be prayerful of a good world, and then go create it. The more of us who can resonate like this, the more we are doing our part to help.

And, of course, it protects your family, who are immediately affected by your wavelength (and MOST especially our unborn children who are affected in a *most* intimate way).

It can be hard sometimes, but try to be at peace.

thank you amanda's doula.

and thank you amanda for sharing it with us.

peace.

peace.

peace.

this post brought to you by dining rooms and hitler bangs

it's probably not cool to put "hitler" in a blog post title. 

but it would have been worse if i had actually SHOWN you my hitler bangs, so now we all win. 

yesterday i shot video of me narrating my dining room.

in it i do stupid things to the camera like turn it on its side for no reason. 

i did not mean to do this and did not realize it would actually turn the image on its side when you view it.

i blame hitler.

he was the worst.

on monday i made the mistake of leading you all to believe that i have no idea what i am talking about when it comes to decorating.

that was dumb.

i know i can put a mid century credenza and a french country armoire together and it will look awesome.

it all has to do with creating a mood and going with it.

paint, fabric, hardware, lighting, rug....THAT is what will pull those 2 pieces together.

i gathered up some images of dining rooms that are working the look of mixing periods and styles rather well,  primarily bc there is a distinct mood to the room. 

here's some pertinent info that you might have missed or i might have failed to mention on monday about the dining room..

we use our dining room a lot.

for lots of things.

1. office.

2. we eat dinner here every single night.

3. dance marathons.

4. painting studio.

5. holiday dinners with family and friends.

6. coloring marathons.

we will soon be getting a tv for the space too so that we can watch wheel of fortune like old people while we eat. 

so..

7. watching tv when we aren't watching tv in the living room.

(we like tv)

in other words this room is a key player in our lives.

anyway...here's the video..

i am warning you now.  there is cursing and it is COMPLETELY ridiculous and unedited and if i had the time i would have shot at least 4 versions and decided on a much less 'short bus' version.

this version is the version i would have burned.

and i am sorry about the camera turning thing.

i was not thinking.

if you can make it through the whole thing you deserve a hug..