february rant

i think we can all agree that february is probably the worst month of the year.

sorry if you were born in february. you might like it more than the rest of us.

it offers us just about nothing, except your birthday.

it's cold. and rainy. and rainsnowy.

sometimes it offers us a warm day and then BAM next day cold as fuck.

plus it's valentines month.

the. worst.

and pretty much everyone you meet is either coughing to death or throwing up and butt throwing up.

AND...what's up with the spelling? febRUary?

no one says FEB-ROO-ARY.

and if they do you should auto-correct them, with your fist.

 

way to go february...you double-dealing snake in the grass.

 

what's my point?

i hate febUary of course.

but also, i won't be able to produce a part 2 downton recap.

why?

bc i have about 3 minutes before i have to relinquish my computer to fiona who is still home battling a raging fever.

 and i am stuck in this house with a crabby kid who yells at me when i don't get to her bed fast enough to cover her up.

i know...woe is me.

but i would just rather be outside having a picnic in the cool grass under a shady tree with some butterflies sucking on some nearby nectar, while i count the motherfucking beautiful white clouds in the sky.

 

this is why rich people go on vacation in february.

i get it.

and i am jealous.

 

 

i just generally feel like everything gets better when it's warmer outside.

 this is of course not based in any sort of reality.

but i said it anyway.

 

where would you go right now to escape the cold bullshit that is february?

 

 

 

i would go to hawaii.

 

 

but i would be happy to escape to a tanning bed.

 

 

 

verlerntern's der

 

homemade valentines for fiona's little valentines at school.

montessori=small student ratio.

8 kids, 2 teachers.

 

sadly fiona is home sick today with a high fever and a severe case of crabbiness.

 

as for me, i have a top secret audition today.

 they wouldn't even send over the sides because they can't have shit leaking out into the world.

i have no idea what it's for i just know "mom watching TV" is my direction thus far.

seems like a sure thing.

 

happy valentine's day everyone.

may your day be filled with love.

 

 

DOWNTON RECAP 3/7 part 1

 

well...

they did it to me again.

they combined 2 episodes and sweet brown'd me (ain't nobody got time fuh dat).

 

so we are merely discussing part 1 this week and we will discuss the gay-ass cricket match ending in a few days.

 

in any case let's recap the shit out of this recap.

 

so bates is out of prison.

yaaaaay.

i say that with all the enthusiasm of anna wintour at an ed hardy fashion show.

 

i mean on one hand we don't have to watch les priserables anymore.

but on the other hand we have to watch these 2 smile and make googly eyes at each other like they're in a levitra commercial.

and on the other hand you have 3 hands which means you are a freak. go to the doctor you freak.

 

 

contrary to my feelings everyone at downton is super pumped about bates' return.

daisy even makes him something.

a pie?

it's probs treacle pie.

 

lord grantham is also happy to see bates return and offers to set him and his lady up in a cottage.

well that's nice of him.

wait..does he have say in cottage renting anymore?

i think matthew wants to tear that shit down and build a strip mall anyway.

 

 

really a lot happened in this first installment of the season finale.

most importantly thomas makes the moves on jimmy.

let's back up a bit though..

bc this is all o'brien's doing.

in her "mark my words" speech a few episodes ago she mentioned to thomas that she was going to basically seek revenge and fuck his shit all up.

thomas was like..whatever.

 

no! NOT whatever thomas!!

NOT WHATEVER!

your ass got served.

 

 

so this is how it breaks down..

o'brien is mad that thomas told everyone she was leaving downton(remember that?)..

she stews and stews and stews in her bangs juice and decides that thomas will pay for that remark.

even thought NOTHING EVER CAME OF IT.

lady grantham pouted for all of 4 seconds in a previous episode and that was that.

at this point i can only assume that voldemort is living inside o'brien's bangs and that is why she is carrying out these evil plans to the fullest extent.

and because what a bitch!!!!!!

 

anyway...

the plan is to prey upon thomas's obvious (to o'brien only) infatuation with jimmy.

she keeps feeding thomas lies like- alfred tells her that jimmy tells him that he really likes thomas and btw HELLO HIGH SCHOOL!

 

thomas is like...nuh uh!! jimmy likes girls.  and o'brien's all...uh huh he totally likes you, alfred told me!

and believing o'brien is the smartest thing you can do?

 

well, this news makes thomas a little crazy.  

crazy in love!!

 

so he paces about in his storage closet bedroom in a delightfully tight t-shirt while jimmy is next door with his shirt off, suspenders down around his waist, washing his face in the face washing bowl thing.

it's exactly like porn.

the only difference is the way it ends.

bc this scene could have totally been any scene in a gay porn with better lighting and sound.

 

i mean, i'm sorry...but seeing thomas all bothered by his feelings and the possibility that jimmy secretly crushes on him and then seeing thomas walk into jimmy's room and close up face kiss him on the mouth was TOTALLY FUCKING HOT!! and also i'm not sorry.

amiright ladies and gays?

 

but then hello, non porn reality set in when alfred (DAMN YOU ALFRED!!) walks in and sees this go down.

but for a second...a very brief second...you know jimmy was way into it and then BAM! alfred.

but alas...jimmy hops up, screaming, like he'd just been kissed by o'brien's butthole.

 

elsewhere..

edith receives not one..but TWO letters from the editor of the london paper, asking her to please come and write something already.

lord grantham still thinks it's the worst idea ever.

matthew thinks it's great.

but he has to so that we know that there is still great divide.

old (grantham) and new (matthew).

 

edith decides to travel to london despite papa thinking it's a terrible idea and meets the editor.

they get along so well together you'd think this was sir antony strallan jr.

they decide to have lunch together and i decide that they both look like birds.

i hope they are happy together and make lots of bird looking babies.

SQUAWK!

 

 

ethel is still cooking (much better mind you) for cousin isobel.

but there is discord between isobel and...well...everyone bc she sees ethel as an obvious charity case and everyone else sees ethel as a scarlet letter wearer.

 

we all know what happens...so let's just go ahead and nip this in the bud (butt? o'brien's budhole?)..

ethel goes to work in a village very near her son charlie and they all live happily ever after.

the end.

 

meanwhile...baby sybil's christening is drawing closer.

tom asks mary to be godmother in a very sweet scene that put mary back on my list of girls i do not want to punch.

tom tells mary that his brother is coming to play the catholic part in the christening play.

mary insists that he stay at downton.

lord grantham calls catholicism 'a gymnastics display' which it totally is.

he doesn't want any part of this christening.

but then tom tells him that sybil would have wanted him at the christening and.....cry.

what is it about SYBIL!!??? every time her name is mentioned i fight a terribly big lump in my throat. 

also..

how cute was that baby??!!!

 

 

meanwhile matthew calls jarvis (old guy who continues to fuck shit up at downton) and murray to a meeting to discuss all the things that are wrong with downton. p.s. what isn't wrong with downton?

jarvis is all "malfeces (gross) i quit!"

 tom takes over.

 great idea! why didn't matthew think of it?

der.

even granny's on board with it.

 

 

meanwhile o'brien convinces alfred that if he doesn't tell carson about seeing thomas kissing jimmy everyone will think he's gay.

carson confronts thomas and thomas defends himself as best he can.

when he said 'a man in his position has to look for signs'...it just made me so sad.

 

 

 

so..

that's pretty much it, right?

 

 

i will have the second part to this recap up tomorrow or thursday.

 

discuss..

 

word to your downton turd.

 

 


 

 

 

 

 

 

client bathroom makeover ***updates**i do not advocate punching. unless someone REALLY deserves it. which is mostly never.

hey you guys.

 

have a good weekend?

 

i still felt like poop turds on saturday but woke sunday a new woman.

 

fiona sang the sirenix song to the winx club about 4,000 times.

 she watched the episode around 4 times and rewound the song around 4,000 times so that equals about 1,000 times per episode.

it also equals "pain medication" for mom and dad.

 

i watched none of the grammys bc i hate music so hard.

actually i love music but grammy music generally sucks.

plus if i could punch hug rhianna in the face i would.

not because she's not cute or talented...bc she is..both.

but she's such a fucking doormat she needs to have her head examined.

and punchedhugged. 

 

instead we watched breaking bad...we are well into season 2 and that show is legit.

bryan cranston is staggeringly good.

 

 

 

ok..on to the bathroom makeover...

 

i have a client who wants an update in her bathroom but can't rip anything major out.

this is super relatable, right?

she has vintage tile which is minty-aqua green.  and a lot of it.

i want to update it with wallpaper, new hardware and lighting and replace the fittings with black ceramic ones instead of the old, worn out chrome ones.

and then when she goes on to change the big stuff she'll still have some real pretty stuff to work with.

 

 

i want her to take out her existing medicince cabinet which is to the left of her mirror (which we won't be replacing at this time) with just glass shelves sitting in the recessed part of the medicine cabinet.

we'll take a plain white shower curtain and add some pretty trim.

we will change out the chrome fixtures with black ceramic ones which will make it all cohesive and like she is proud of her vintage tile bathroom that is bright aqua.

summer mums wallpaper from spoonflower.

(and yes, i am aware how awesome it is that the wallpaper and ceiling light are like sisters from another mother)

 

 

 

option 2 uses some vintage hot air balloons wallpaper from spoonflower and different hardware..

 

 

 

 

option 3 uses jungle spots wallpaper from furbish.

i call this not-yo-mama's-bathroom.

just kidding. i call it awesome is what i call it.

 

 

bc this is a client bathroom makeover, other than the wallpaper, i will refrain from handing out the sources..

mmkay?

 

 

for my next trick we will discuss downton.

but i have to write it first, D'OH!

 

p.s. if you want your own makeover please email me.

 

 

 

***UPDATES***

i swear to jesus i did NOT make the connection between me saying i wanted to punch rhianna is the face and her ACTUALLY being punched in the face. 

it was early when i wrote that and i meant it as a total joke not taking into account that the very thing i was punishing her for was for being stupid enough to stay with the guy who punched her in the face.

BUT!

maybe she likes being punched in the face?

bc why else would you be with a guy who punches ladies in their faces?

unless u like it?

which beings me back to my point...

poor dear needs to have her head examined.

i would not punch her in the face. 

i might slap her though, just before i drove her to therapy.

 

 

 

 

playing around in my cave

not that cave....pervs.

 

my living room cave.

 

here we have farrow and ball black blue paint..with some primary pops of color.

this one might be my favorite.  it's also the most expensive and totally unobtainable.

that rug alone is more than a car.

but i could probably find it in a MUCH cheaper and shittier fabric at rugsusa for a lot less.

 

 

here we have benjamin moore's tudor brown.  

i like this a lot and i'll bet in real life it'd be awesome.

not cheap, but certainly more doable.

the sectional could be found on craig for a few hundred and then for around 700 it could be upholstered in a brown velvet. who's got a lot of brown velvet they want to give me? 

 

 

and finally...

 

this is benjamin moore's witching hour....a crowd favorite.

here we are playing with pretty much everything i already own.

sofa- similar to my own.

rug- both, check.

side tables- check.

pillow on left- amber's shoppe.

need grasscloth covered coffee table....relatively easy diy.

need some brass lamps...easy to find on etsy or craig.

hot pink fabric shades...not as easy to find...but maybe easy to make?

joan mitchell painting- HA! in my dreams.  but i am a painter too. 

 

also, in reality there will never be a fancy overhead light.

it's a ceiling fan now and forever.

 

 

mood boards are my favorite.

 

 

in other news...

can someone please tell me if you can have the flu but no sniffles, or cough, or sore throat?

but you totally have the worst body aches, headache and joint aches (specifically elbows and knees) of your life?

but like that's it?

oh fatigued like a motherfucker?

 

don't make me google. 

that's a downward spiral into hell.