channel your inner parisian

 i saw a one kings lane sale titled "paris in winter". (am i the only one who gets a big ol boner for one kings lane and their dreamed up sales?)

and then i thought if you're gonna be cold (which i am..12 degrees in atlanta currently) you may as well be cold in PARIS. 

and i channeled my own parisian pied-à-terre...

graduated tier chandelier (god someone please buy this. your kid doesn't need college) / paris rooftops photograph / reclining nude painting / romanov vase / hanover floor lamp / aqua velvet sofa / choupette the cat book  / acrylic and brass bar cart

 

my heart goes out to the family and friends of the victims in paris. 

downton abbey season 5 episode 1 recap

well here we are again. another season of everyone's favorite show about rich people and working class people discovering that they are all really the same not same.  

the premiere didn't disappoint...unless you want to talk about all the ways every single thing in this episode has pretty much happened in one form or another in every single season.

let's see...edith's still the saddest. lord grantham's still the useless-est, cora's still the chillest, tom's still the uncomfortable-est, molesley's still the pathetic-est, isabel is the irritating-est, thomas is still the conniving-est, mary is still the bitchiest and lord gillingham is still the horniest.

AND TIMES THEY ARE A'CHANGIN'. still. 

no, no it's totally not you. you are not crazy. the aristocracy is still becoming extinct. 

i wish the house had burned down. 

at least they really would have to move on.  

thankfully thomas found isis...oops...i mean found edith and saved her. 

 

let's recap...

it's 1924 and edith is riding her bike into town to see her best exotic marigold daughter, who has been living with downton farmer slash fireman, tim drewe and his family. 

she sits at the table and hugs and pets and slobbers on little marigold as if she were her own daughter. (*reader tip- SHE IS).

and if you were sitting across from it all and didn't know that you'd probably call the police (who is also probably your husband, the farmer/fireman) and say get this crazy lady outta my (our) kitchen before she steals marigold.  

now is it just me or was this whole episode rife with a subtle "women iz dumb" undertone?

first the farmer's clueless wife. seriously, get a clue wife. 

but also daisy? dumb. (women's brains aren't designed to understand concepts like math and the organization of farm tools only cooking souffles and meringues. SO EASY ONLY A WOMAN COULD DO IT. and an alfred. #neverforget)

miss bunting, or as i see her, velma from the scooby doo movie hints at not wanting to be the butt of a prank because dumb.

lady rose tells us that it's not so hard to give out awards. can lady rose even read words? 

even little sybbie can't say grandfather so she calls lord grantham "donk" because she can't even say donkey. or grandfather. or probably a lot of other wordz.

WOMEN ARE DUMB.

 

this scene tells me that neither one of these women have had sex in 100 years and that they need it. 

cousin isabel is pretty meh over lord merkin who wants nothing more than to deliver her a deep dick pie.  

isabel=DUMB.

 

 thomas is still threatening baxter to tell him what she knows about mr. bates and the rapey valet mr. green. thomas is scarier this year. all lurk-y and threatening. if only he had two oddly shaped curls for bangs. 

meanwhile some townspeople (gross says lord donk) come to downton about a war memorial and want carson to be their chairman instead of lord donk who feels sad and useless. for the millionth time. 

the donker heads over to his mom to cry about it a little and the subject turns to merkin and isobel. donk informs lady violet that if isobel marries merkin she becomes the lady of the land.

to which there is an audible record screech in my head. 

 

MORE SPRAT PLEASE.

i'd go to a luncheon just to see him maneuver the cake plate away from dr. clarkson with that look on his face.

also england please, that's not cake. 

in more obvious comic relief...

molesley acquired some hippie hair dye in york that will make him appear more latin. or spanish. or irish.  everyone just wants to puke about it!! 

 

edith and farmer tim have to meet secretly in the barn in order for tim to explain how not to act around his wife.  

helpful hint: if it looks and smells like desperation it's totes desperation! 

#calmdownedith.

in the end farmer/fireman tim comes up with a plan on how to make it so edith can be around marigold all the time like a mom but no one will guess she's a mom. 

only i have no idea what it is. 

any guesses?

here i'll start:

guess a)  murder that dumb wife of yours farmer tim so you can marry edith. you're marrying up dummy!

guess b) send that wife on a rocket to space!

guess c) find some smallpox and make your wife eat it. 

guess d) any of the above.

 

meanwhile at the rose awards rose runs into miss bunting who...oops...sorry..

 

rose runs into velma from the scooby doo movie and asks why she turned down an invite to an anniversary party for a bunch of old people.

velma says it's because she's no charity case. (and because fred still loves daphne)

 

in-julian-fellowes-already-wrote-this-storyline-news...

a lady asingarth or asturgard..shit i don't know...she was duckface in four weddings and a funeral arrives mysteriously to downton and invites herself to the party.  

she claims her car broke down but it doesn't take an abbey full of dumb women (or anyone that's seen gosford park) to see that she's there for jimmy to load some cargo into her boot. to ride the skin bus to tuna town. catch my drift? 

carson the smut hound is certainly on to her. (he wishes)

 

tony gillingham also arrives and asks mary to take him as a lover. 

doy. here's a tip ladies of 1924- try before you buy. 

because like what if he wants you to stick your finger in his b-hole during sex. 

that's a total deal breaker as far as i'm concerned.

 

elsewhere señor molesley advises baxter to tell cora all about her secret.

 we find out she's a jewel thief and went to prison for it. 

 that's all well and good even though i was expecting her big secret to be an illegitimate baby somewhere or something along those lines, but she mysteriously gives them away for some reasons not explained but my guess is it's an illegitimate baby somewhere. 

cora upon hearing the news is all, meh...at least you didn't try to murder my unborn baby by setting up a bar of soap for me to slip on. my last lady's maid did that. 

 

meanwhile at dinner the terrible annoying velma bunting shows up to rabble-rouse everyone.

UGH! she's such a tom when he was a branson! 

dinner goes as expected...velma hates everything having to do with the upper class and war.

the donker loves everything having to do with the upper class and war.

i'd be ok if she went away forever. 

perhaps bates can push her under a lorry. 

but i think she will end up being daisy-dumb-as-a-kipper's tutor. 

i am still holding out for the tom/mary drunk sex in a barn storyline.

but mike anderson thinks tom and rose are the real love story.

i am hoping when bates pushes velma under the lorry rose's shoelaces are somehow attached to velma's shoelaces. 

 

later when thomas confronts cora about baxter's thieving ways she's all duh i already know.

the real issue is why the fuck you not tell me i was hiring a jewel thief if you already knew. BOOOOM!!!! 

thomas does a well enough job covering his tracks.

i'd have been all...uuuhh...mmmmuuh...uuuhhhh....and then pretended to pass out. 

anyway...cora threatens to fire thomas. 

but because she's cora she first must go smoke a j and marinate on all of it. 

 

later thomas and jimmy are upstairs talking about how horny they are, thomas wants to help jimmy get busy with duckface and that he will "ca-caw ca-caw" if anyone comes down the hall. 

"no one cock-blocks my jimmy!"

as usual the grand dame of cock-blocking, edith does the cock-blocking to end all cock-blocking: she sets the house on fire. 

"if i can't be happy, no one can!"

thomas can't "ca-caw ca-caw" because he must save edith from the fire.

so lord donk finds jimmy putting his lipstick back in duckface's lipstick tube. 

resulting in jimmy's firing. (with recommendations so no scandal ensues)

 

talk about backfiring.

the one person thomas doesn't want to get fired, gets fired.

when you play with fire you get burned.

you can't fight fire with fire after all.

fire is the most tolerable third party. 

don't let your dreams go up in smoke...practice fire safety. (with a single bucket of sand and weak water hoses)

a spark neglected (edith) makes a mighty fire.

fire takes no holiday (unless it has a secret baby in switzerland)

if you play with fire you're gonna get burned (unless you have a few buckets of sand lying around and an extraordinarily prompt volunteer fire brigade)

fire in the heart sends smoke to the head (said cora as she inhaled deeeeply)

 

at least thomas won't get fired. because he's the hero who saved isis and now edith too!!

 

edith walks over to the fireman who is also the farmer and her future husband and says, so what's your plan? i mean now seems like a good time to talk about it. every single person is out on the lawn watching to see if i'm ok, so let's talk about my baby and how i can be her mom for all time without any of these people knowing about it..oh hi mrs. hughes.

 

the end. 

thoughts? did you love it?

so many great coat and hat combos. and the scenery as ever was my favorite.

 


get to work

dear god getting out of bed an hour earlier than usual this morning was about as fun as a vagina smash on a boy bike. 

let's get monday off and running anyway.

and quick like because i need to reserve my creative juices for a downton recap.

 

last year i did the goop detox and lost 3-5 lbs. 

and i think i need it this year more than last.

i drank way too much and ate way too many sweets and meat and gluten and fried things with mayonnaise.

a healthy detox always makes me feel better and kick starts healthy eating again. 

losing those 3 lbs will always guarantee that i don't reach for the chips or cookies when i want a snack.

 

but first let's clarify some things.

#1. detoxes are dumb. because the truth is most "detoxes" do more harm than good. 

most people who only drink juice for 7 days are going to get sick.  

a juice fast is not for the average person.

know your detox. 

 

#2. detoxes don't in fact detox. your body does it's own detoxing every day.

what a "detox" does do is help your body rev up your metabolism and motivate your liver to do it's job better.

the goop detox is good in that you eat the right foods to maintain energy and focus as well as keep your metabolism in check.  you might be hungry at times or you might not be. 

i was at certain times of the day but i just ate another snack of the same day or one that was listed on one of the other days.

i also had coffee every day. goop, please. i can't give up that. 

i just followed it with hot lemon water.

i also can't do a smoothie in the morning. 

i would gag. hard. 

having coffee with almond milk first helps me to not feel so hungry when i wake up so i can wait a bit before i tackle the smoothie. 

so....

who's with me?

click here to get the details.

i'm off to the grocery store this am for provisions. 

GO TEAM!

 

 

pretty sure i'm not sure what day it is....and other sparkly thoughts.

every day for the last 3 days has felt like a saturday. but the computer told me it was friday and i cannot abide by that. today is sunday and so is tomorrow and so is sunday.

i was blue yesterday (saturday 3.0). blue of deadness because wine/champagne/wine hangovers are no fun and blue because goodbye 2014. to me another year over is just sad because that's another year closer to dead. no matter how great or shitty the year was. 

i've been reading a lot on blogs and on instagram feeds about how horrible everyone's 2014 was or how they are SO GLAD it's over. yet from where i sit these people appeared to have amazing, stellar years. i'm not judging because who knows what goes on behind closed doors.

but i wonder. wonder what could have happened to make you wish a part of your life was over. must have been pretty terrible.

in my opinion the bad stuff just shapes us and makes us wiser, be grateful for it. but again, not judging just offering perspective. 

i won't say i had a stellar year, we still have plenty of issues here at anderhaus. who doesn't?

but this year was pretty great for me- for us with our businesses.

also nothing tragic happened. so to me that's a winning year. 

i don't buy into the resolution thing.

i think the older you get the happier you are that nothing too terrible happened that day and tomorrow is another so just put one foot in front of the other and keep on moving. 

that seems to be my resolution every day.

sure i'd like to travel more but i don't need to resolve to do that. i need to resolve to make more money to afford it. 

so if a resolution i need then my resolution is to work harder. the end. 

 

this one turned 10 on new year's eve (saturday 2.0)...

TEN.

she wants a bigger house and to go to england again.

i tend to agree.

so i will work harder.

 

we sat around yesterday all of us hungover from something,

alcohol, cake, cold air, late nights...and watched tv and ate more cake.

as crappy as i felt it was my favorite day of this whole winter break. 

this was the best b-day cake i've made to date. 

moist and chocolatey cake, not too sweet.

super rich and sweet buttercream frosting.

the balance was pitch perfect. 

 

i don't know what 2015 will bring but if it's more of the same that'd be ok. 

i do plan on working harder and growing my business.

i have absolutely no idea how to do that but i will still try. 

this blog won't turn into anything else. 

i might change the logo from red to blue (back to red) but that's about it. 

i will still be that blog that makes zero sense but you just can't quit. (hopefully)

i will be recapping downton because i can't seem to quit. 

 

i'll end this post with thanks. 

thanks for being with me for 6 years. 

through poop, zits, apple cider vinegar, design turds, my life as a painter, an actress, a mom, a cut up, a dowager countess impersonator and a gomi front page star, #pauladeengate #neverforget

 

i hope you stick around for more of the same. 

 

drawing of nicolas bb by annie humphrey. 

she draws pets. tell her i sent ya.