calling all gastroenterologists...

i suspect none of you reading are actually poop doctors.

because A. why would a poop doctor be reading a design blog? (is this a design blog? what have i become??!)..

and B. if a poop doctor was reading this surely they would have spoken up by now given the amount of poop talk that goes on around here.

friends,

i have made an appointment to see a gastroenterologist because i have had an ongoing stomach issue..

since the beginning of november.

but you all pretty much knew that, right?

i love you so hard. 

so lets talk about it.

because i damn sure don't have any design news to share.

you see the thing is..it's less about poo and more about my gut.

i either have intense nausea or a feeling like someone is punching me hard in the pit of my stomach.

i either have a hard time pooping or i poop like 8 times a day.

i have the usual food triggers that make it worse, like dairy, but i don't eat it anymore so it's not that.

and it's not gerd or heartburn.

maybe. 

here's what i have narrowed it down to...

1. for sure a heart attack. 

2. almost positive it is stomach cancer.

3. 100% garunteed that it's mold sickness.

4. without a doubt it's lyme disease.

5. it is totally an h. pylori infection in my stomach lining.

6. an ulcer probably caused by #5.

7. dying.

so if you know of anything that i forgot i am dying of,  speak up.

and rest assured you will be with me every step of the way through this process.

if i have to have a colonoscopy (deargodpleaseno) or an endoscopy (sweetchristdeliverme) or drink a barium milkshake with all of the above (killmenow)..

i will share all the poopy facts with you.

because that's what friends are for.

(p.s. do not ever in your life google image search colonoscopy).

see? friends!!

 

when your poop looks like seashells it must mean something awesome, right?

i desperately wanted to take a picture of my nautically formed  turds this morning but that would be going too far..

even for me.

but rest assured it looked like this..only brown:

poop is soooo fascinating.

anyway..

it's thursday but it feels like friday and it's 70 degress outside.

and i had crazy dreams last night.

anyone else?

where is this post going?

nowhere, and fast.

i was going to post fiona's room progress today but it's too dark to take pictures of stuff.

instead i'll show you 2 new commissions.

this one:

and this one:

cameras don't do paintings justice.

they really don't.

these are so much more vibrant in real life.

either that or i am terrible at taking pictures.

also, i bought some paper for which to paint on.

several sheets of 18 x 24, linen finish paper.

they will be less expensive than a canvas and a LOT easier to ship.

so stay tuned for that.

have an awesome thursday that feels like acid.

or whippets with demi.

downton recap: episode 3- the case of the missing matthew

 

this week started me off in my happy place.

watching cousin isobel (can we all rejoice in how much that name sounds like a long lost 'facts of life' character?)

squirm in a self righteous slow burn is positively gleeful. 

cora is changing shit.

namely schedules.

 

cousin isobel is clearly hurt by the fact that no one seems to care whether she's there or not.

perhaps if you weren't such condescending slut, ISOBEL.

speaking of sluts...

 

ethel is walking on very dangerous slutty ground.

meanwhile.. 

the dowager countess and mary are walking and talking.

and then sitting and talking.

the countess is still gunning for matthew as mary's husband.

mary just wants everyone to shut the fuck up about matthew,

and to start considering once and for all sir richard car-LYLE for president of mary's cold, steeley cooter.

the DC quickly changes the subject to that of sybil and how could someone so pretty be so single?

can we all just finally come to grips with the fact that sybil is gay? (for me)

back inside downton...

isobel is downstairs threatening mrs. hughes with the eyes of a woman on the verge of post-menopausal murder.

but rather than waste her good murdery eyes on lowly mrs. hughes she marches upstairs and straight into her ladyship's bedroom..

cora just simply has no time for this..

oh you done did it now cora..

outside 2 almost lovers in uniforms are about to be cockblocked by mary... 

later..

because nothing clears away the war sads faster than an impromptu concert and magic show...

edith and mary practice for their big number.

isobel runs away from home leaving mrs. bird and mr. molesley to their own devices.

 which is pretty much nothing.

mrs. bird decides that pickling eggs would be fun..

a war vet hobbles in looking for some food and a soup kitchen is born..

so that boredom can die. 

circle of life.

over at downton..

molesley is in the running for england's next top valet.

and daisy spills the beans about mr. bates working in the local pub...

and..

that william is missing and therefore..

matthew must be missing too!!

"this news would have been better recieved in my uniform".

at dinner the DC is poking around for signs of lesbianism..

"i didn't say anything!"

meanwhile...

molesley is still in the running toward becoming england's next top valet.

and..

o'brien tattles on the soup crew.

mrs. hughes hears a noise that sounds like fucking.

that mrs. hughes was right.

 ethel is fired.

4life.

meanwhile...

the bromance blossoms.

 yay!!!!  bates is back.

wait..what?

 sorry molesley you are not england's next top valet.

and neither is your shoe horn.  stick.  back scratcher.

 bates and anna hoping for the best.

edith tells mary that matthew is missing saying that she thought she should know.

ha! 

*we have a rule in this house...and it's primarily the reason i NEVER watch the news..

and that is you never ever ever tell me anything horrible right before bed.

i will chop your head off.  

for real.

mary cries and stabs edith.

and then she and anna drag the body across the house.

next day..

 the soup crew: BUSTED!

only ha ha jokes on you o'brien..

lady grantham says you're on the bread line.

that's just one notch up from the spoon line.

finally!!

it's concert time..

time for some dumb ass magic..

"watch me hide my penis inside ethel.." 

and..

ladies and gentlemen..

the moment we've all been wating for..

THE

CRAWLEY SISTERS!!!!!

" blah blah...laaa laa...sing sing...you're the only girl...blah blahh"

but then suddenly as only true love knows...

"really? what is it you smell?  is it my trench balls?

or is it my fear of being turned down by you one more time?"

"but seriously folks..

don't stop singing this gay song on my behalf.

EVERYONE!!!"

"lllaaaa la la la blah blah you're the only one foree meeeeeee"

after the scene that gave my dad a grand mal seizure and choke on his own tongue..

just some old fashioned after concert mingling..

"car-LYLE." 

 "sweet lavinia"

suddenly..

mrs. hughes is called away from the party to address a problem..

a pregnant ethel.. 

the next earl of grantham?

why else would they write this bullshit?

while you marinate on that for a spell..

please vote for your favorite dowager countess quip..

1. 

2.

3.

4.

branson farts,

the fruit of my labor..

because i get over 7,000 catalogs delivered to my mailbox each month

i thought i would share my favorites so that you can buy them for me.

 

 

 

1. west elm souk rug/ 2.UO brass tiered pendant shade / 3.west elm wood knot lamp (i would paint mine white) / 4. wisteria handwoven rug / 5. frette for garnet hill hotel bedding / 6. anthropologie curtains/  7.anthropologie watercolor peony wallpaper / 8. ballard rylan sconce / 9. anthropologie mineral and might dining table / 10. garnet hill bunny hooked pillow 

downton recap in progress.

cool your jets.

my dad texts me this last night:

if every brit soldier got as much leave from the front as matthew does

they'd have lost the war in a fortnight. (yes, he really said 'fortnight')

i could have done without him joining in the singing. schmaltz.

you love my dad.

now go buy me that table!!

 

this just in..

2 things...

1-

i was COMPLETELY grossed out by taylor bringing that oily therapist with her to the restaurant opening.

who fucking does that??

2-

antidepressants?

really?

she must be on 700mg of 3 different flavors.

just kidding that's gwyneth.

also, how set up was that whole cedric thing?

bitch please.

and how badly does brandi want a 3 way with lisa and ken? 

discuss.