t shirt updates

first of all can you die from your period?

right before my period (you're welcome men) i feel like i am dying.

emotionally and physically.

like right now i think my insides are screaming.

and i don't mean that metaphorically.

 

anyway..


'the perfect t-shirt' arrived. 

 

here's my attempt to document it for you..

 

 

and here's my second attempt...

 

someone put me out of my misery.

 

oddly it's as though i knew i would post both of those.

and yet i swear i didn't.

and yes, i am rubbing on my boobs.

 

 i decided it was best to just tell you the t shirts really are perfect.

 

ok maybe 1 degree less than perfect..

 

BECAUSE NOTHING'S FUCKING PERFECT!!!!

 

 

 

gather round..swishers and bleeders..

bet you thought this was an AHS recap.

it isn't.

that's coming though.

first i thought i would update you on swishing..

 

i haven't swished in 4 days.

my doctor told me to hold back a bit..

since i was feeling so bad.

he recommended i do it every other day.

and i did.

bc i was.

feeling reeeeal bad.

tired beyond what is acceptable.

fever that caused aches.

panic attacks that caused murder thoughts toward my loved ones.

i was unable to leave the house on some days bc i hurt so bad.

and then i would get really sad and start sobbing as if i was listening to a joni mitchell song while reading the bell jar.

and throughout the 4 days off the symptoms persisted.

i debated (still debate) on whether or not i have the flu..

but there is no stuffy nose, no coughs, no runny nose, no poops, no pukes etc..

nothing but terrible malaise.

like the worst hangover of your life.

last night the headache of all headaches started.

and as i write this i am shaking with pain in my brain.

i NEVER get headaches..

maybe once a year.

 

and then this morning i woke up to this:

 

so..

i have questions.

mostly my older lady readers are going to be able to answer them for me.

 

did this detox cause the worst pms of my life?

am i just in the beginnings of the change?

and does the change cause me to feel like i want to seriously murder everyone?

i mean i know pms can make you crazy, but crazy AND feel like i am dying?

 

the thing is this..

i KNOW detoxes can bring out some nasty shit.

i KNOW some people are more susceptible to these effects based on their immune systems.

being a type 1 diabetic my immune system is probably a little slower than yours.

while doing a detox your body can 'grab a virus' in order to facilitate the elimination of the toxins.

but yet, nothing was coming out of me.

no snot, no diarrhea, no puke...all effective ways to eliminate the toxins.

and yet, all of my symptoms sound exactly like the herx symptoms.

 

 

speak up my ladies.

i need your experience here.

 

and if you're in your 20's pass this around to your moms.

 

 

i love you all.

i hate you.

i love you.

i hate you.

stab.

 

 

 

 

yesterday was not my best day..

i dreamt that i woke up with jet black hair.  

only not pretty jennifer connelly jet black hair..

it was like local patchouli scented thrift store employee jet black hair with flecks of blue.

it made me look real ugly.

so i went to a small town hair salon that a lot of sloppy, ugly people worked at (they wouldn't judge me).

i needed them to dye my hair back to blonde.

but i knew deep down that this would be a real hard task for people who probably had grocery store hair dyes

in the back room instead of super nice non hair frying expensive smelly goody hair bleaches and dyes.

the kind that are used on rich and famous ladies.

 

i went in and the sloppies were real nice and they told me they could fix it no problem.

so they bleached it..

and bleached it..

and then there were those little foil squares thrown in and i thought...ok..they know a little bit about some stuff.

 

and then when that shit was done it looked  A LOT like this:

and my face looked like that too.  in fact that is me.

 

but then as if that weren't enough trauma for one person to endure..

it started to turn black again.

every time i looked in the mirror it would get blacker..

and stringier..

and blue tips would emerge.

 

eventually i was severus snape.

 

moral of the story?

 

small town sloppy uglies are sometimes real nice and want to help. 

 

so yeah, my best friend moved away yesterday and thankfully the 6 of you who commented were full of hate and anger toward her too so that was nice to hear.

where were the rest of you assholes?

you don't want to send me hugs and a giant tub of nutella?!!

 

you will shit all over a picture of circus curtains but you can't leave a comment like,

oh jenny...i am so sorry you lost your friend...here...have this hug in the form of nice words.

 

just know that i know who you are and you will NOT be picked for my super awesome giveaway later in the month.  

(ok there isn't actually a giveaway but i aim to make one up just so that you can NOT be chosen)

 

 

and for those of you here for your design star recap you are going to have to wait a little bit.

i will deliver that golden turd tonight or tomorrow.

 

in the meantime please enjoy the blueness of these spaces that represent my sadness...

 

and shark week!!!!

 

 

bitter farts,

 

images via veranda