million dollar douchers...

 

here we are!!

after a day of computerless angst..

your recap is unearthed.

like the dead,

or kathryn's design coordinator..

 

here is k'ire talking to her design coordinator..

 

aka, joey ramone..

 

(joey ramone aka kathryn's design coordinator)


..that she is the boss and everyone has to put everything past her, not shannon factor the glow worm.

 

then...

martyn shows up

oops..

 

i mean martyn shows up

FUCK!!

 

i mean martyn shows up

sonofanass!!!

 

i mean MARTYN LAWRENCE BULLARD

 

shows up at daisy fuentes' house to make it less ugly.

 

 she loves cuba and wants a picture of it on her wall.

 

 

 

no beardy, not that cuba..

 

this one:

not so delicious.

more like dumblicious.

 

across town at a restaurant..

ross and jeff fightin' 'bout some lamps...

"peck a fooking lamp JAM!"

 

ross gets so mad he pulls his hair into a ponytail!!!

ponytails mean bizness.

 

 

 martyn's at the print shop gettin that ugly poster..

 

 

nathan and susan from one king's lane are about to throw a party with some shit they got in india..

 "shoppin for some shit in india is fun when you can resell it in america for millions!"

 

at k'ire's.. 

jacqueline rocks our faces off again.

 "stressed? we all stressed! i am stressed...pppfff"

just look at that tremendous outfit.

head scarf- check!

white blouse- check!

throat brooch- check!

crazy- check! check! check!

i love her a lot lot.

 

 

 martyn shops for more ugly shit..

 

 

 

back at JAM's ..

there is tension..

forrest gump hides in the butler's pantry, processing decisions:

 

somewhere on the beach..

kathryn is mad.

glowy is ecto'ing everywhere..

 *throws hands in frustration*

 

*glows with the hateshine of a million suns*

 

 

martyn reveals some beige hotel shit...

 

 

nathan preps his pretty party..

 

kathryn hires a superhero..

*architects mean bizness*

 

 

back at the house of tight butts and processing..

jeff is thinkin about sumthin..

actually it's a sad attempt at revenge by threatening rossjenny with hiring an "intern" which is gay decorator code for "someone to give me bj's".

(sidenote- my name is jenny and my brother's name is ross)

 

 

time for everyone to go to nate's party!!

mary looks gorgeous. even if her face barely moves.

seriously she's actually laughing hysterically here. 

 

 

jeff: you wanna be my beej friend?

cater-waiter: no. you're older than my dad.

 

yeah, that's about all we get at the party.

jeff creeping out some guy while we all cringe and cover our ears and eyes screaming "MAKE IT STOP!!"..

mary gets a henna tattoo. 

kathryn does a weird and awesome lightbulb dance..

 

 

and then all of a sudden we're back at JAM's where we get to watch them take a bubble bath..

* i love sconces and to bounce your balls on the top of my foot underwater, they're so buoyant!*

 

i promise you andy cohen no one wants to see real life bubble baths..

we didn't want to see that OC skank and her steriody boyfriend in the tub either..

franky i am scarred for life after that one. 

yes, ross is hot..and i am all for a little shirtless hot gay dude once in a while..

but i feel like i am being forced to watch this against my will.

 

honestly i actually kind of love every single one of these decorators..

except jeff.  he gets on my damn nerves. 

but this show is just super boring.

 

thoughts??

 

 

 

 

million dollar D bags.

 holy buttnuts.

save save save!!

that was me whilst writing this dumb recap.

whilst.

whilst whilst.

 

 

here we go:

this week was a real nail biter.

mary almost died bc her hat lady poster was still at the framers.

ross was not gay for 10 seconds.

i finally have a term for the style of decorating i love most:

"LA english".

silly me was calling it "boho traditional".

 

 

 

we open up with mary & her client, jill roberts..

"LA english house"

mary is there to decorate the shit out of jill's spare room

and turn it into a zig zaggy office with art and glamour stuff.

 

 and then..

martyn and tamara mellon been friends since we were 16.

 

martyn is there to put some shoes on display and for terrace decoration..

 

there is a rams head table and a lot of botox..

 

ross and jeff.

ross is turning 32 ish.

can we talk about how much jeff grosses me out and how ross is slowly becoming my favoritey fave?

 

 

 

 

kathryn is finally at glowy's beach house...

ok…let me back up.

 

see if FARTSPACE hadn't deleted my post last week you would know that 'glowy' is my name for that curly headed max factor bitch.  her skin weirds me out bc it glows and not in a dewy cute way but in an ectoplasm way- therefore she is 'glowy'. and she is wormy so sometimes she is 'glow worm'. 

anyway…

glowy's beach house is terrible tuscan..

 

kathryn finds it extraordinary how much bad taste is out there.. me too kathryn…me too.

 

glowy starts doling out the design direction.

kathryn says let me do my fucking job you waxy freak.

 

 

mary and larry (nancy) bout to paint an 8000 dollar chevron floor...

 

 

 

 back at the house of wax..

 

glowy and kathryn are picking out fabrics and ecto is acting like a total ectoplasmic glow worm..

 

 

over at LA english..

 

mary loves the chev jill hates it. but if we know anything about this show we know that mary is always right. 

 

meanwhile..

jeff gets cooking lessons..

who cares.

 

 

martyn surveys the shoe boxes...

that shit don't work.

 

 

and then NAAATHAN!!!!yaaaynathanmorenathan!!

mary is shopping his store.

mary is pointing at shit.

nathan is being cute.

and then poof!

nathan is gone.

 

mary leaves and goes to gay bruce jenner's store.  actually his name is benbo.  which is always going to be a gay shop owner or a dog name.

period.

 

no pictures of him but trust me when i say he looks like this:

 

 

and  then

k ire is showing glowy her design boards.  glowy is spewing her ectohate all over everything.  but k ire is good with the fabrics.  i concur.  

 

 

jeff is busy not busy setting up for ross's party at some one's malibu beach pad. 

in this one scene it is clear to me that jeff marks is probably a little mentally challenged. 

like forrest gump.

ross=jenny

demetra=bubba

MFAMB=cap'n dan

martyn=box of chocolates

 

pretty. 

 

 

martyn installs the choo boxes..

shoes in boxes is dumb.

 

 

ross party...

kathryn shows up in a booby dress and ross reveals his penis wants to enjoy boob sex with kathryn.

full disclosure: i want to see that.

 

 

 

mary is installing jill's office..

the art hasn't arrived.  

don't care.

 

 

oops the art arrives.  whatever it's a poster.

jill loves the office.

i love the curtains. 

 

 

next week ross eats jeffrey.

glowy flies into a light and sticks to it.

kathryn has sex with her fabric.

 

 

motherfucking squarespace!

i just spent the better part of 3 hours working on a recap of million dollar decorators

for 

YOU!

and that shit is gone forever bc when you use SQUARESPACE

like i do

your session times out like if you were on a banking site.

 

which SQUARESPACE is not.

it's a blog writing site

where people write.

 

and clearly if you write TOO MUCH

FARTSPACE basically says "fuck you and your words. we are fucking out of here!"

 

so yes, i should have saved it as i went but when i am on a role with funny words and naked pictures of ross and jam and drawing spears through joe francis' head i don't HAVE THE MOTHERFUCKING TIME TO BACK THAT SHIT UP!

but the world loses bc now no one will be able to read my dumb recap of this dumb show!

and if you say..

"well MFAMB why don't you just show us your funny pictures?"

 then SQUARESPACE wins don't they!??

but see if you are mad enough at SHITSPACE and write them angry letters and refuse to EVER start a blogging relationship with them then MAYBE they will get their shit together and not have their sessions time out in the middle of awesomely written posts.

 

then we win.

 

but for right now we lose.

lose hard.

bc that post was funny.

and all i want to do now is 

BITE

MY 

PILLOW!

 

 

 

NOT xoxo,