design turd episode 3: invasion of the turd snatcher

it is evident in this weeks fartparade that vern, mandice and narcolepsy (aka genevieve) are really just turd eating zombies who love murals.  gene narcolepsy reminds the losing turds that at the end of this clownshow "one of you will become ONE OF US." 

let me explain what that means.

the winner of this poop will go on to star in a show that highlights diy crafts, paint by numbers murals, taking perfectly good outdoor spaces and turning them into contrived sets based on several musical instruments. among other terribleness. awesome.  where do i sign up?

here's the rundown for all you lucky people who don't have to endure this dreck.

the turds met on a trump roof where a bunch of embarrassed jazz musicians had to sample their instruments so the turds could choose which one would serve as inspiration for an outdoor room.

then OF COURSE they had to combine instruments to work together.

these challenges are getting stupider, if that's possible.

anway..

here are the turd/instrument choices:

courtland-cello

dan-guitar

tom-sax

michael-tromboner

alex-congos (bongos? is there a difference?)

emily-tuba

casey-xylophone

nina- french whorn

trent-keyboard

stacey- strumpet

 

got it??

 

dan gets moved to the girls team and he seems to be the calm, sexy force the girls need to keep them from eating each other's faces off.

(dan "drill me" faires)

 

the men spy a giant bamboo day bed that would be perfect to represent alex's chosen bongo drums.

but sadly when they try to get it in the elevator it won't fit.

so instead alex chooses to forgo the main seating as his representation and goes all literal and gets two round, blue ottomans.  way to think outside the bongocongo.

cut to truckerhat trent buying some christmas trees for the space, cuz nothing says keyboard like a christmas tree.  courtland and michael are trying to sing christmas carols as a passive aggressive hint. but trent just can't get on the court-michael gay train cuz it's going too fast.  it is cramping his straight, truckerhat style.

nothing says straight man like a trucker hat and keyboards.

and nothing says keyboards like a grill.

unless you do like i used to and pretend to play the grill like it is a keyboard and you are nick rhodes of duran duran. then i am all over that shit! air keyboards are the best!

(trent's keyboard inspired space)

 

next up is courtland and his sedona arizona venetian plaster cello inspired wall of sweet potato puree.

that's like saying here is my belgian wallper inspired cheeseplate!!

 (alex's and courtland's areas)

 

 

back on the girls team..

dan is hard at work carrying plants for stacey..

watching emily's boobs...

overall just being a sexyface..

i'm pretty sure he's the reason for nina's snail trail mural..

she tells us that a french whorn is "deep, dark and brassy".  (so is my vagina coincidentally)

emily tells us she "hates" the snail trail mural.

i do too emily. it's contrived and stupid. but so are those fucking slats.

the only bit i liked in this space is the long table with the white tablecloth and potted plants.

 

back over at camp gay the guys are hard at work putting together this bullshit:

you knew at some point homeslicer would put up those extension-cord-and-a-lightbulb things he's famous for back home.

tom gave us this sitting area which isn't that bad but when you pair it with the fucking fauxrange plaster wall that courtland vommed you have combined enough of a disconnect for vern to say fuck you men, you lose.

but then when you find out that nina and her snail trail won!!!!!

well, then that's when i head straight for the medicine cabinet and a healthy dose of horse tranquilizer.

as in neither of these rooms were good.

so the bottom two were bongo alex and trucker hat trent with the keyboard grill.

both of their host performances were terrible.

mandice's penis shrank, narcolepsy didn't see it bc she was sleeping and vern shot laser acid out of his eyes at everyone.

just before the judges were about to announce which turd was going to be flushed trent had something to say.

it went like this:

" since i arrived i have only contributed a few wooden palm fronds and a grill.  there are too many chatty kathy's over here and they are making me want to crawl inside my trucker hat and go to sleep. i can't be inspired by their gayness. i need a calm environment to be creative. this whole process is too much like a game show and i hate all of you and your ass faces!"

to which vern replied:

"what a coinky-dinky. we can't see you and your palm fronds being good enough for a prime time show.

(pointing zombie finger) NOT ONE OF US!!!!!!!!!!!!"

you're better off trent.

trust.

besides go back to 30 rock.

its a MUCH better show.

sticky vagina trails forever!!!!!!!!!

design turd episode 2: what the fuck IS this bullshit?

watching this show makes me feel and say things like this:

 

this week the turds had to design an apartment based on a bunch of terrible looking clothes.

they had to work in teams.

men vs. women.

let me start off by saying this...

when i decorate a room i certainly don't do it based on an outfit.

and never one a gay lumber jack would wear,

or some yoga pants.

who is coming up with this bullshit?

that said...i think if i did get the gay lumber jack outfit i might try to do something like this:

not this:

these are casey's and tera's "designs".

casey got the gay lumberjack and tera got the thug wear? teenager clothes? meth addict?

what the FUCK IS THIS SHIT??!?!?!

as i sit down to write this i am ever so confused, much like mugatu in the clip.

first of all it is hard to judge the designs when in the photos you can't really tell what the fuck is going on or who did what. 

let's just start from the beginning..

ok so the turds line up in front of a runway.

genevieve tells them, doing her best corpse impersonation, that they are to design a whole apartment base...wait a minute i already told you this....see?

crazy pills.

but the best part is that the winning turd will be featured in REDBOOK magazine!!!!

 

REDBOOK!!!

does anyone read redbook?

besides my grandma?

nina seemed to think that that was a huge career maker. a "dream" even.

after each turd picks their "outfit" they're off to start planning the space.

nina takes the lead starts telling everyone what to do.

no one likes it but nothing is said in protest.

as in "fuck you nina you're not the boss of me!!"

that's what i would have said.

nina.

does anyone feel like they have seen her somewhere before?

hmmm...

let me think...she just looks like someone and..i...can't...put...my...fingeronit.....

!!!!!!!!!! i got it !!!!!!!!!!

glad that's out of the way..

 

so alex picks a wedding dress and proceeds to give us a straightjacket:

for good measure and bc pajamas=bedroom lets park dan's pajama inspiration mannequin next to the bed cell and paint the walls pink and style them (scarcely) with a bunch of useless knick knacks.

and who doesn't love a rumpled throw on the end of a bed?

it's just so real life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

bloggeremily picked a pink suit and gave us this:

cute. i love the pig. and all the shiny brass and gold elements.

although in the show it was nina who picked the pink rug not emily.

and it is killing me that there isn't a red something in this room.

 

and here we have a perfect example of why this challenge is so fucking stupid...

notice all 3 mannequins..

michael's leopard outfit, courtland's business separates(?whatwouldyoucallthat?) and trentkenneth's tommy bahama tool outfit.

never in a million years in real life or fake life would you have those 3 inspirations working together in the same room. it's just fucking fartknocking bullroar is what it is.

now mind you courtland won with his striped wall inspired by those...black...separates?..froooom...19..eightyyyy...four?

and if i weren't so confused and dumbfounded by this whole shitfest i would be downright outraged..

do you wanna know who i think should have won???

this one:

yeah. i do.

here's why.

tom took the stupidest of stupid all time gayest outfit to inspire a room and created a nook that looks..

(mind you with better lighting and a rug)

 like a perfect interpretation of that heinous sportswear!!!

just not getting the umbrella stand on the windowsill.

punches for that tom.

mismatched iconic chairs=good.

 

back to the losing team...

the girls.

stacey took the whole day to paint a chair.

terribly i might add.

that is the shittiest paint job on furniture ever in the history of forever.

1. it took her all day.

and

2. it is the saddest, dullest worst ever color and finish.

it's obvious she used leftover paint from somewhere and she took a GORGEOUS chair and made it look like it has fucking smoker's lung.

not only that but this little scenario has NOTHING to do with that cute lily pulitzer dress.

 

and then there's nina's bug mural

based on that gorgeous beaded dress!!

"CO-CHURE" mandice called it.

ahhhh....bohemian chic...

when i think of bohemian chic i think of this woman...

what would iris apfel have done you numbskull???

i damn sure know she wouldn't have attempted to eek out a gold bug on a black wall after looking at that dress.

if it were me...

i would have gone for gorgeous fabrics and a Moroccan vibe done in a casual way.

 

ok.

so the bottom two this week were

mickey rourke and tera for painting her room this fucking abysmal shade of yellow.

ultimately tera went home.

sorry tera. i know you stood by your yellow wall. stating to us all that "it's ok to paint a room yellow". and you're right it is. but not the nasty yellow of that tshirt your meth head mannequin is wearing.

it's sickening.

especially in the glare of fluorescent lighting.

i'd like to know what person looks at that color and says, MAN that's a pretty yellow!!!

i would dare say 2 people in the whole entire world tera.

T W O

one of those people being my 5 year old bc i say it sucks and she like to be the opposite of me.

plus i think you were supposed to be inspired by the outift and perhaps the PERSON WHO WEARS the outfit.

the person wearing that outfit probably decided if they were gonna rock their air jordans with their loony tunes applique jeans or their rocca wear jeans while cruising the local mall trying on cologne and looking at 12 year old girls.  it's a lose lose situation tera.

vern wasn't buying it either tera.

vern is a little bitch isn't he?

i love it though.

at least he's not embarrassed to be there like genevieve is.

 

at the end of the day this show is a fucking joke.

these are not feasible design challenges.

no one would take 6 outfits and mesh them together to make one apartment.

just like no one would furnish an entire room from pearl river.

so in that respect you have to cut these turds some slack.

SOME slack.

on the flip side of that is that the producers/judges are trying to see who can take the shittiest of situations and create something that is liveable, tasteful and modern.

i think this show will get better as the numbers wear away.

 

lets hear it..

design turd episode 1: picking the shiniest turd out of a bunch of giant turds (***updates: what would MFAMB have done?)

am i allowed to say that i felt this challenge was incredibly hard?

but...

who in their right mind opens a bunch of fucking feather pillows all over the place?

khuu that's whuu.

you are an official dumbass.

and you're gone.

but honestly feathers aside all of the rooms sucked peen.

first up: the deets

12 contesturds had to design a bedroom for their partner/fellow competitor from a white box room.

as in nothing but white walls, white bed, white floor, white bookcase and white ikea lack table.

their budget was $500

and the resource was pearl river asian market.

as i am taking notes during my viewing party (alone...sadface) i write down:

"you would have to work really hard to not make it look cheap and to create a room that didn't look like it came entirely from an asian market".

and of course i saw everyone grabbing umbrellas, lanterns, fucking foo dogs and big ass bullshit branches.

shit i would not have grabbed.

 here's ankle bracelet nina grabbing one of the 50 umbrellas she used...for a dude's room.

 

after they paid for their loot they all headed back to the white box spaces where each turd was given a laborer.

the turds get to work turding up the spaces..

courtland starts fauxing every surface.

alex gets to work on some kind of stupid textured wall.

bloggeremily starts staring at her room bc she doesn't sketch...

i suppose for this shit i would have sketched something.

live and learn i guess.

 

khuu stars colorwashing (giggle-snort) the wall.

blah blah who cares.

 

here are the rooms:

here's julie's fucking bird murder crime scene for tom:

 

here's casey's room for alex:

while this room eats dick just like the rest at least she tried to disguise the white bed to make it look different.  but for fucks sake at least paint it!!!

 

here's courtland's room for nina:

supposedly nina threw courtland under the bus by telling him her style was something other than what it really was...and that is, bohemian chic.

pretty sure had this garbage been bohemian chic it still would have been a turd. a bohemian turd is still a turd (wrapped in pretty fabric).

can someone please tell me where their 500 dollars has gone so far?

moving on.....

blogger emily's room for michael:

hmmmm....

emily, i don't actually hate this room.

not as a whole. i can see what you were trying to avoid...EXACTLY THE SHIT I HATE!! FUCKING KITSCHY, CHEAP LOOKING, ASIAN THEMED, KRAFTY BULLSHIT!!!!

but i think the color palette isn't well thought out or considered.

the palette isn't bad...i like it. just not the way you have it executed.

it looks sad and dreary.

 

here's michael's room for emily:

what michael room wouldn't be complete without a wall mural?

 

dan's room for stacey:

500??

u sure?

(p.s. dan you are waay cute)

 

tera's room for trent-kenneth:

asian zen bullshit turd in groups of 3.

 

tom's room for khuu:

sweet jesus. it's like a fucking 70's porn set.

if i were doing a room for an asian girl i would stay as far away from an asian theme as humanly possible.

i mean why stop at all red??

why not put a fucking kimono on the wall with some samuarai swords over the top?

where is that fab taste level you had in your lakehouse portfolio??

doucher!!

 

here is trentkenneth's room for christiantera( just wait the lord is gonna guide her at some point):

blue and white beachy turd under a ghost.

 

here we have stacey's room for dan:

orange and gray never looked so awful.

 

alex's room for who cares:

apparently alex left half of his shit on floor 2 of pearl river.

at least he got his sand dune wall up.

way to go alex!  who needs better bedding when you have a headboard made out of branches?

 

 

and here we have the winning room:

nina's room for courtland:

while i fucking hate the umbrellas and lanterns and sticks in a jar and the fact that it's a dude's room..

it is the most well edited and polished.

and i like the architectural elements she added. it made a world of difference.

 

 

sigh.

did i have a favorite?

fuck no i didn't have a favorite!!!

did i expect more?

not really.

i could tell you who was in the top 6 and who was in the bottom six but why?

they all are abysmal.

in any event the bottom two were bloggeremily and khuu.

and each of them had to do a hosting segment..

khuu went for a more polished, professional approach but it ended up sounding fake and forced.

bloggeremily went with a self deprecating i suck approach.

smart on her part. she is cute and engaging.

either way both presentations made me want to slice my face off with razor blades....in sections.

at the end of the day the pillow raper went home.

 

 my husband says to me, "that's all well and good jenny, but what would YOU have done?"

and i said, "this"

 

paint it glossy white.

 

throw on these cool accessories:

cool marble apple:

interesting fun bunny lamp:

cute journals:

keep the walls white.

i would have painted a "headboard" on the wall like this:

made it a feature..

paint the floor glossy glossy shiny like liquid.

and throw a big ass one of these down:

get rid of the fucking lack table and use

one of these as bedside table...

 

put this lamp on top:

 

throw these on the bed in the blue or pink colorway:

cute room accomplished for who cares who, it's cute.

we'll call it modern chinoiserie meets cottage...

less asian convenience store.

everything available at pearl river dot com

 

design turd contestants 10, 11 and 12: meet casey noble, alex sanchez and nina ferrer

sorry to squeeze out 3 turds in one post.

but this shitshow starts tonight and you need to be abreast of who's who i think..

 

first up is casey noble:

Age: 32

Hometown: Redondo Beach, Calif.

Casey, who describes herself as meticulous, driven, energetic and fun, says she was eager to start her career as a designer immediately after graduating from the Fashion Institute of Design & Merchandising. With an associate degree in interior design, Casey worked for two high-profile design firms and managed several international design projects before starting her own residential and commercial design business. Friends and former coworkers say that Casey will be a great competitor on HGTV Design Star because she is passionate about design and serious about being the best.

don't be alarmed but all we have here are a set of polywhore mashups and some artist renderings...

really??  is this just a fucking mood board of shit she likes??!!

a monkey could have done this. no really...it could have.

 

 

 

 

yeah. exactly. whaaa? huuuuhhh??

  how is she a contestant to be a design STAR?!?!  my butt could put together a polyvore room.

punches all around.

 

moving on..

meet alex sanchez.

Age: 26

Hometown: Washington, D.C.

Alex was born in St. Croix, Virgin Islands, and often moved between Trinidad and New York City with his family. A self-proclaimed Renaissance man, Alex grew up loving to paint, design and take photographs. He graduated at the top of his class from North Carolina A&T State University with a degree in architectural engineering. He earned extra money by selling his drawings and redesigning dorm rooms. Describing his design aesthetic as “urban eclectic with contemporary style,” Alex designs spaces for his young, hip clientele who often live in bachelor pads or one-bedroom apartments. While Alex says he is extremely competitive, he’s more excited to be on HGTV Design Star so he can inspire city kids to study art.

poop + blue = poop

 

 

snooze 

 


i like the gray and white here. but i would have done something to disguise the fucking meter. at least for the purpose of the picture. not sure what the green post-its in the window are for. a krafty stained glass art project?

 

 

a texturized wall. (rolls eyes)

 

 

more urban dookie.

 

 


something old?? anywhere?? please?

this is not design.

i will at least give him his texturized wall. but it stops at the concept.

it already looks dated. like it came out of 1980 the way that huge bangs did. as in you look back at that shit and go what in the fuck was i thinking??

as a potential buyer of this condo/apartment the first thing i would do is rip that shit out.

i am ultimately speaking here to turds, 9, 6, 11 and 1.

 

lastly is nina ferrer:

Age: 31

Hometown: New York, N.Y.

Raised in Brooklyn, Nina says that from an early age she knew her upbringing was not typical. She describes her parents as very “open, free and artsy,” and says they encouraged her creativity with art and dance classes. After graduating with a degree in architecture from The Pratt Institute in Brooklyn – where she also studied interior design, painting and photography – Nina began her career in residential design. She created luxury homes for several high-end clients, including a few celebrities, before shifting her career to commercial work. Although Nina says that she enjoys her current position as an architect and project manager for a well-known retailer, she longs to design freely – ideally on her own HGTV show. Describing herself as confident in her design talent, Nina believes that viewers would be eager to see an “attractive, tell-it-like-it-is” Brooklyn girl create beautiful, functional spaces.

 

so this girl has an impressive bio, no? unfortunately all she serves up are retail spaces. 

madface.








at least it's ralph lauren retail spaces...love.

she def. has skills in this department.

i love every single vignette. and she kind of created rooms in almost all of them. but i would have killed to have seen some of the "luxury homes from several high end clients and celebrities"!!

she obviously knows how to pair old and new..this is a good quality to have in my opinion.

i am excited to see what this girl brings.

 

well, that's it!! there are all 12 turds.

don't forget to tune in tonight at 10 pm on hgtv.

and while i am shooting for monday for my recap it could be tuesday.

i still have to complete a craigslist dining chair find for a reader.

sorry kabrel, it's coming..albeit slowly.

 

textured farts,