i will watch secrets from a stylist so that i can learn some secrets....from a stylist.

Gabriela Eisenhart August 23, 2010

well buttfarters..

it's over.

emily wins as was predicted by anybody with half a brain.

mandice showed up wearing gauchos and the more intelligent half of my brain melted..

yep. gauchos.

you cannot get the gauchos' true fashion-y-ness unless the legs are slightly askew..

that's better mandice.

you've gotta give your penis some breathing room.

ok.

final 2.

emily and michael.

challenge:

15,000 dollars each to make over a one bedroom apartment.

the client is a past contestant of their choosing.

emily chooses tom:

so based on tom's outfit and overall sense of style emily gives us a "polished, modern, luxurious..blah blah blah"...

she pin stripes the wall, which i don't like. but over all the palette is nice. the accesories are nice, though i would have rather had a shiny mirror where those stupid viva terra looking wood panels are.

and i see the mirror to the left of the wood things. i just don't like it there. plus i hate shit in groups of 3. fuck you.

love love love that huge framed canvas.

emily's apartment is the best.

it's well executed.

but here is a tip for you hgtv!

stop photographing these spaces at night.

the articficial light is killing them.

on to michael.

he picks neens for his client:

besides the stupid cut outs painted pink this room wasn't horrible...

the bedroom, not so much...

too small rug on an angle..

those weird mirrored alien heads..

it just looks like a dorm room to me.

not at all sophisticated or rich.

instead cheap and dickeating.

emily is clearly the winner here.

her rooms have been effortless and layered and rich and inviting.

yes and thank you.

her show:

watch it fuckers.

design turd episode 9: NOT a diarrhea milkshake

Gabriela Eisenhart August 16, 2010

finally.

the turds relinquish their turd status.

there is pretty here today people.

pretty i tell you!!!!

with the exception of mandice's clam diggers of course...

first of all fangtonio, last season's winner shows up.

genevieve can't stop staring.."what is different here?" she says to herself.

"SHITFARTS! his fangs are gone!!!"

thank you LA dentist wherever you are.

then...

the judges tell the turds that they each get to design their own glass room using their show idea as their inspiration.

casey's show idea was something about using existing furniture to create a great space.

michael said something about helping people just starting out.

emily wants to do rooms based on people's outfits.

i am going to go ahead and tell you that casey goes home.

i tell you this now so that you can join me in my confusion.

personally i think michael should have gone...

i enjoyed casey's space. a lot.

here is michael's "dorm room"...

he built a murphy bed, which is pretty cool. but that's kinda where the cool ends..

the furniture doesn' t make sense to me.

it looks as though the person living here made do.

i think it's the desk and desk chair that is throwing me.

they don't belong in this space.

and that tire rim table is just ugly.

there isn't enough here.

he should have spend less time on the murphy bed, which admittedly took him the better part of the 2 days, and concentrated on the room as a whole.

then there's emily's room.

hands down the best of the bunch.

good job emily.

prouds.

it looks like someone actually lives here.

the furniture works so well together and the color palette is yummy.

she got everything right.

the scale, the editing, the concept...which was this dress:

well done.

you win.

then casey's space:

i really liked it.

there are a few things that don't make sense to me.

like the column tables.

and the floor's finish.

her style is a little more refined and modern.

i wish she would have gone with a darker floor...like ebonized!!

i think it would have made that cool rug and persimmon red wall pop like miley's cherry,

as well as giving it a richer feel.

and i think there should have been a little more..emily nailed that aspect.

what did you all think?

i really thought it would be between emily and casey...

the host reels all kinda sucked.

michael was obnoxious.

casey was boring.

and emily had laryngitis and lacked focus.

this is really neither here nor there bc at the end of the day their shows will be written and produced and they will have plenty of opportunity to hone their hosting skills and practice not sucking.

perhaps it was casey's outfit that got her sent home.

what is that?!

thoughts?

design turd episode 8: repurpose reuse recycle reshart

Gabriela Eisenhart August 9, 2010

here we are.

episode 8.

here's to hoping for a triple elimination next week so i can get back to looking at things that don't suck.

alright, so this week hopes were high that the turds each had their own room to decorate.

nope.

teams of 2.

the turds got a call from vern to go to some fancy restaurant and eat breakfast together.

then vern shows up in a sweatshirtblazer to tell them they had to design a dining room inspired by the meal they just ate. (which consisted of tropical fruit salad, heuvos rancheros, empanadas and tamales)

but that's not all!!

the room they were using was full of furniture and it was their job to reuse what was there.

then mandice showed up in another mancoat:

here is one of the spaces before:

we'll call it grandma's dusky beaver..

the other space was basically the same only more masculine.

we'll call it grandpa's musty nutsack.

there isn't a picture.

but use your imagination.

here's some inspiration:

you with me?

awesome.

so team granny is emily (huevos rancheros) and michael (tropical fruit salad).

here is their dining room:

kind of a snooze.

not sure who decided to tie those curtains back like that but i fucking hate it.

why couldn't they have let them hang??

it would have framed the window so much better.

emily made this groovy light fixture.

i have to give her props for this...though i don't see huevos rancheros...thank god??

up close it looks a little shoddy but the concept is brills.

she took fake flowers and glued them to the shade and then spray painted it all white to mimic porcelain.

while diy shit like this generally makes me want to vom i can appreciate homegirls efforts to make a statement fixture without the means to buy anything.

michael also did something awesome...

he took an existing mirror and glued a bunch of broken up granny tchochke angel head crap to it.

this is the result:

painting it black was a mistake simply bc you can't see the details..

and not very fruit salady either....thank god??

this scenario could have been better had they put more shit in it and opened the doors. the concept of taking ugly knick knacks and spray painting them was great..

curious...

where did the cole and son woods wallpaper come from? pretty sure it wasn't inside granny's beaver....or...was....it?

team grandpa was casey (tamale) and court (empanadas):

apart from courtland's very cool sconces made out of copper piping and a light bulb this room sucks buttholes.

the OBVIOUS eyesore being that fucking orange faux finished wall (i guess this is the empanada sauce?)

with the cheap looking folk art hanging on it..

and did they use the leftover eggplant paint from last weeks tuscan kitchen challenge?

yes, i see you too stupid fucking washboard hanging between the windows.

with all that dark brick why on EARTH would you go dark purple and dark stain and dark cabinet?

oh. and casey did the ottoman..or did....she??

here are your bottom 2:

courtland goes home to his "girlfriend".

not sure why michael is there.

but i really don't fucking care at this point.

my guess is casey wins.

design turd episode 6: oh my god oh my god!!! what does it meeeean?? a complete double elimination all the way!!!

Gabriela Eisenhart July 26, 2010

there were clues this week regarding the double complete rainbow elimination outcome.

look-

double caseys:

double douches:

and another ridiculously right field design challenge.

trump jr. was there to show off douche towers new jersey or something like that and vern told the turds they had to design a model room epitomizing the trump brand of luxury.

and then made them choose a bunch of bullshit souvenir bags to use as their inspiration.

plastic toys are so luxurious.

just like the inside of my butt.

so each turd walked over to pick a bag...

and like little yodas it would appear that the bags picked them..

casey picked the architecture and buildings bag.

stacey picked the checker cabs bag.

alex picked the big apple bag.

tom picked the statue of liberty bag.

emily picked the subway.

courtland picked the times square bag.

and

michael picked the broadway bag.

if only nina were still here i am certain she would have picked the graffiti bag.

like every other week each turd had their "moment" in the room and then worked collaboratively on the space as a whole.

here is the winning room done by the blue team that was michael, casey, alex and emily:

i think it eats peentop.

and the winning moment:

alex's little "big apple pillow".

he deconstructed his bag to make a pillow.

winner!!

the losing space done by the red team or, the other knuckleheads:

these monkeys spent a fucking crackload of money at ABC carpet and home and this is how they put it together?!

mother fucker.

fuck you rug on an angle.

(but someone please deliver it to my house after this sideshow is over)

as a whole i adore the furniture way more in this space than the flaxy leathery boxy mess of the winning room.

honestly..

different colored walls, a bigger rug, a couple of gorgeous chairs, more lighting, a few key art pieces, and curtains...you would have won this one red team..

and then stacey completely bozo'd the bed:

(shakes head in disgust)

she put a fucking box spring in the bed, NO mattress, added some horrible sheets and called it a day.

her reason was she felt that taking away the mattress would give the headboard more height and more height equals luxury.

here's what else equals luxury stacey..

A MATTRESS UNDER SOME HIGH QUALITY BEDDING AND SOFT, SQUISHY PILLOWS!!!!!!!!

and her losing moment:

a taxi under a cloche.

while under normal circumstances i could see this on a mantle or on a table or something and it being somewhat cute but for a design challenge when you have to incorporate your bag into something artistic and substantial this is a FAIL.

but that bed nonsense is a far far bigger fail in my mind.

and then there's tom...

tom painted the whole bathroom blue.

walls, ceiling and door.

later changing the door back to white.

and the judges show up wearing a very similar shade of blue...

mandice in a slutty stewardess/slutty cop halloween costume..

and they hate the blue bathroom..

weird.

i didn't hate the blue bathroom.

i felt like he at least made a choice to go bold.

sure his creepy, manic ADD personality took it to a level of crazy but look at the winning team's bathroom:

what the cock is this shit??

look, you know i love me a white bathroom but this looks like they just skipped over it.

and isn't this building called trump towers new jersey?

and isn't this the type of person who would live in a trump tower?

which bathroom do you think they would go for?

in any case. the red team is the losing team.

during the judging vern was karate chopping everyone's face with hate lasers.

especially stacey, who had zero defense for her turdy choices.

vern sent stacey packing without even watching her host reel.

he was incensed by that bed and cab-under-a-cloche.

but wait there's more!!!!

vern tells courtland and tom that one of them is going home too!

both host reels suck dick but for some reason tom's sucked bigger dick.

that and his blue bathroom.

so vern sent him back to his creepy cabin by the lake to carve more wooden dolls heads..

at least that's where i think tom might be going.

design turd episode 4: mandice not rocking mancoats. oh, and another terrible idea for a challenge.

Gabriela Eisenhart July 12, 2010

dear mandice,

i can't be sure how tall you are but i am guessing 8 ft?

those coats aren't doing you any favors.

plus, when have you ever seen one of these long coats on anyone other than morpheus from the matrix?

i would prefer to see you in a coat that hits mid bottom. this would cut you off in just the right spot so as to not super elongate your already giraffe type proportions.

otherwise you look like a caterpillar emerging from it's pupa.

also what's up with vern's madonna bracelet?

speaking of vern and mancoats:

this was the challenge opener.

"you so funny vern".

see what happened was mandice told the turds that they needed to design a space around a flower.

each turd picked a flower and then vern shows up with all flowers made into a bullshit bouquet.

which is precisely why this shit was doomed before it even started.

as in give each turd a room to turn into something beautiful inspired by their flower.

right??!

wrong!!!!

now that all of you have picked your flowers we are going to mix them up into this ugly ass bouquet in a mandiced proportioned cylindrical vase and then you get a corner of a room to show how your flower works with all the other flowers while still showing your individuality and making this room pretty..

record screeching....

eh? come again?

is hgtv 'avin a laff?

here are the list of the turd's flowers:

nina- orchid

casey- hyacinth

emily- wax flower

stacey- carnation

alex- snapdragon

dan- daffodil

courtland- lily

tom- tulip

michael- ranunculus

surprisingly the rooms seemed as cohesive as they could have been and there were a few pretty designer-y moments.

this is pretty much what both teams started off with..

nina started off talking about the powers of faux wainscoting and "nurals" as per usual..

neens,

murals are not cool. and unless you are michaelangelo they are never good.

anyway, she produced said spawn. and i added a mural of my own for aide purposes.

she also gave us this:

a sexy backless shirt and nude brawr.

i didn't think this was the type of shirt you could wear a brawr with.

therefore if you can't NOT wear a brawr you can't wear a shirt that would require you to go brawrless.

i for one would knock someone out if i went brawrless. i have seen your tits neens and they are massive as well. probably best to leave this blouse to the boobless.

overall the women + dan's room was my favorite.

i really enjoyed the faux wainscoting actually AND the tonal variation with the blue.

although i think there is a lot of busyness here that i would have toned down..the hits of hot pink, the brown rug, the pillows...i don't know..

take away the pink square on the wall and the hot pink ottoman..replace it with something a little beaten up or worn... or....burn that shit velveteen rabbit style and do something like this instead:

or this: