warning: this post might be too sad for you. or it might be funny. either way i am drunk.

Gabriela Eisenhart August 24, 2010

first of all i may or may not feel like this:

kindergarten=iran

i woke up this morning at 7:00.

went into fiona's room to wake her.

but i didn't wanna.

i wanted a tornado.

an earthquake.

a time machine.

i knew i would be faced instead with a lip and a face.

"i don't want to go to kindergarten mommy".

her little bangs all straight and serious.

i assured her that linny, tuck and ming ming went to school, as did olivia, her cousin wyatt, dora and all the others too.

she smiled.

it worked.

so off she went for 8 hours.

but what about me?

there are no other little ones at home to tend to.

but there is painting to do.

and i should probably get all the dishes done and dust....stuff.

i could read all the design blogs i love that i need to catch up on..

but i don't wanna. i am not interested in design right now.

instead i read THIS

this is tragic.

this is LOSS.

this is unspeakable.

if you don't know the back story i'll tell you.

this woman lost her son to suicide a few months ago.

go ahead-

for me...read it.

for you, read it.

when you're done come back....

so what about me?

i am going to go to fiona's school and i am going to grab her up and scoop her up and eat her up.

bc i can.

sharing is caring..

Gabriela Eisenhart August 24, 2010

this week is monumental.

no really, it is.

fiona started kindergarten and that is just plain crazy.

yesterday she was a baby and i was calming her with boob milk.

we are adjusting around here.

so pardon the random post.

i probably need a few drugs and cake.

but here are some things that are interesting:

this room is happy and good:

they have added some new drag queens to this shitparade:

i miss...

(ottoman is on chair for vaccuming purposes)

good:

gooder:

pink sea salt is happening:

a great big gut wrenching drunk written kindergarten post is coming soon...

i love you a lot today.

zombiefarts.

i will watch secrets from a stylist so that i can learn some secrets....from a stylist.

Gabriela Eisenhart August 23, 2010

well buttfarters..

it's over.

emily wins as was predicted by anybody with half a brain.

mandice showed up wearing gauchos and the more intelligent half of my brain melted..

yep. gauchos.

you cannot get the gauchos' true fashion-y-ness unless the legs are slightly askew..

that's better mandice.

you've gotta give your penis some breathing room.

ok.

final 2.

emily and michael.

challenge:

15,000 dollars each to make over a one bedroom apartment.

the client is a past contestant of their choosing.

emily chooses tom:

so based on tom's outfit and overall sense of style emily gives us a "polished, modern, luxurious..blah blah blah"...

she pin stripes the wall, which i don't like. but over all the palette is nice. the accesories are nice, though i would have rather had a shiny mirror where those stupid viva terra looking wood panels are.

and i see the mirror to the left of the wood things. i just don't like it there. plus i hate shit in groups of 3. fuck you.

love love love that huge framed canvas.

emily's apartment is the best.

it's well executed.

but here is a tip for you hgtv!

stop photographing these spaces at night.

the articficial light is killing them.

on to michael.

he picks neens for his client:

besides the stupid cut outs painted pink this room wasn't horrible...

the bedroom, not so much...

too small rug on an angle..

those weird mirrored alien heads..

it just looks like a dorm room to me.

not at all sophisticated or rich.

instead cheap and dickeating.

emily is clearly the winner here.

her rooms have been effortless and layered and rich and inviting.

yes and thank you.

her show:

watch it fuckers.

fiona directs her first film...

Gabriela Eisenhart August 21, 2010

happy weekend.

love,

the andersons

spiders and big girls with kindergarten haircuts = the scarysads

Gabriela Eisenhart August 20, 2010

do you ever wake up and immediately want a do over?

ok maybe not immediately. shit has to fuck up first.

or you have to cry a thousand times or something like that.

now i realize there are always going to be people with way worse stories than me.

with legit fucking disasters like raping and floods.

i can assure you nothing that bad happened today.

in truth nothing bad did happen.

just things.

that suck.

like...

this guy:

yes-

that's a black widow spider. only it's the man version.

and it was in my house. about a foot away from fiona.

male's aren't as poisonous as females. but they are. poisonous.

farts.

i killed that motherfucker and put him in a bag and then searched the internet for several hours where i found 1 too many stories about people and their near death spider related disasters.

double farts.

where there is a male there is a female, right?

shitfartbuttsack.

needless to say i cannot walk into a room without doing spider checks.

i feel like this will go on for days developing into an OCD.

i hate spiders.

more than bieber.

next was a haircut...(speaking of bieber)

my sentiments exactly fiona.

i asked the woman to cut her bangs thick...like super thick bc she has a cowlick and if they are thin they will separate. so please take some hair from her crown and create more bangs.

it fell on deaf ears.

i could have done this myself.

before you tell me how cute she is let me tell you that no less than 10 times today i heard these words..

"go away!!"

"give it to me NOW!!"

"stop talking!!"

"i hate you you big fat shithead!"

ok that last part was made up but that's what it feels like.

rest assured this had nothing to do with her haircut.

she talks like this to me every day.

all day.

(deep sigh)

***for all you first time moms out there who are wishing their little newborn blobs could talk and giggle and show some semblance of a personality??

be careful what you wish for.

ok so when i got home and was able to get into reading my fave blogs i find this:

has called it a day.

My darlings,

I'm done writing the blog. I've been a stay-at-home mom for the duration of Scented Glossy Magazines and now I'm ready to go back to work. Also, I'm just kind of tapped out on most of these shows, you know?

Many thanks to all of you for reading, making your smart-ass comments and emailing me with breaking news. We are kindred spirits, and I will miss you. Who will I tell when Frank brings me my In Style magazine from the mailbox, saying "that new housewife, the OC one, is on the cover"?

Good try, Frank. Good try.

Thanks to Frank for letting me not only exploit his butt on this blog but dominate the tv; thanks to Harvey Millstein, CID for giving me my valances for free because they are 15 months late; and thanks to my real life bff and back-up life partner Susie, who will now be forced to listen to me talk about all of these shows in person.

It's been so much fun. Love to you all. xxxxoooo

no one but SGM could recap a housewife epsiode with this kind of brilliance:

"I have to add this about Bethenny. When my first baby was 13 days old, I was living in pajamas, crying three times daily, and bleeding heavily from the cooter. A short trip to the grocery store exhausted me for hours. And here she is, her skinny ass in an evening gown, listening to Jill spout the bullshit and Kelly describe an alternate reality. Why? WHY WHY WHY? If it were me, I would have murdered someone in the first hour and as the police dragged me away, I would have screamed "IT WAS WORTH IT!" Anyhow, I thought she was visibly strained."

she had me at "cooter".

i love you emily.

i will miss you.

i can only hope my recaps offer half of the wit and genius that yours did.

i wish you all the best.

fiona starts kindergarten on monday.

i fully intend to spend these last 2 days of summer with her wholly and completely.

come monday she will be gone from 8 am to 4 pm.

5 days a week.

i haven't fully comprehended this.

but i am pretty sure i am gonna cry a little.

see you on monday for a recap of the great big kindergarten sendoff and the final turd reveal.