design star and cat vom. same thing.

last night i woke up at 3 am and had to clean huge piles of technicolor cat puke off my floor and bed.

and it TOTALLY reminded me of design star!!!!

 

 

art imitates life!

 

 

 

 

this week the turds had the dreaded white box challenge...

box of whiteness


this is only considered  "dreaded" bc they have to decorate their tiny, white rooms with stupid shit.

in this case, stupid shit from a stupid restaurant supply store.

 

like..

water bottles..

fuck you ozone layer.

 

 

 

and apples..

horses love apples.

 

 

 i feel for the turds on this one...i really do.

i mean no one decorates real rooms in real life with shit from a restaurant supply store. 

not even a restaurant does.

 

so they have to be conceptual.

not functional.

aka HARD.

 

and dumb.

 

anyway...

here's my entry:

i call it 'ketchup krimes'.
 

 

mark had the winning room:

 and here's why..

he didn't try to make an ugly ass room out of peppercorns and spice mosaic.

he had a concept based on his grandfather's WWII hat and he made an art installation.

 

j had the losing room:

not sure why she lost over this..

 

but there it is.

 

showing you the rest of the rooms would be like raping your eyes with sticks dipped in salt, so i won't.

 

 instead i will entertain you with vagina analogies.

box=vagina. 

"i want when someone looks at my box.. to know without a doubt..that's kellie's box"

 

 

"my wow factor will be my fire box"

 

 

 

"day two and my box is still white"

 

 

 

 "my box reflects me..not only because it's a space i would probably live in but it's also very ordered, it's very.....simple"

 

 

thom filicia was the guest judge.

he made faces like this:

and this..

 

 and i made faces like this..

and this..

 

 

turd box,

"i'm excited for this project though because anything we do is gonna make it look better"...a novogratz discussion

(beach house before)

 


(beach house after)


wise words cortney novogratz.

i could have rubbed blood and dead cats all over that place and it would have looked better.

 

 

HOWEVER...

was anyone else side-eyeing the "$40,000 budget" talk?

 

i thought for the clients (2 young surfer chick sisters) the house they designed was brilliant.

 

 

here is what i am thinking...

the smeg costs what, about 3 grand? right?

the pink stove was prolly what...5 grand?

the new kitchen cabinets were at LEAST 10 grand, on the low end?

the shades for ALL 11 windows downstairs plus some upstairs..were probably 2 grand? 1 maybe?

plus there were the floors (refinished), the stairs (rebuilt), all of the furniture, the 3,000 dollar piece of (heinous) art,  the graffiti artist who came to do an art installation (though he prolly did it for free so he could have some free advertising), the wallpaper (anyone know what that was?)..etc..

all in all i am guessing this makeover cost them more like 100,000.

 

thoughts?

 

p.s. the top picture is totally not the before of this house but it was super gross like that sort of. 

 

 

reporting

1. our beach trip has been postponed until labor day weekend.

not sad bc this means i can eat more pie and wine.

 

 

2. err'body's talkin bout this room:

 at first glance i love it but then i think that maybe it's a portal to gaytown, gaycity USGAY.

am i right gays?

is this not the gayest karl lagerfeld gayest of gay bathrooms?

 

 

3. no one seems to be talkin bout this room:

i loved it best.

 

 

4. the prettiest lamps i have ever seen here.

 

some examples:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

they are dirty expensive.

but you could tell that by looking at them right?

 

 

 

 

and 5.

the novogratz show is on tomorrow night at tensies.

here is what we have to look forward to..

 

 

aren't you soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo excited???!!!

 

discuss.

 

 

million dollar buttholes

it's hot as fuck.

summer is my sad season.

everyone else is frolicking on beaches and enjoying cool drinks in moderately hot climes (that word is dumb- never ever use it) by the pool.  

i am stuck inside bc the air outside is like poison fire in my lungs and i have been warned by news persons 

that should i go outside i might die.

for real.

summer is a dick.

but i had to spend a good portion of the day in the car with broken windows.

so i had to inhale heat fire mixed with car pollution.

volatile.

i think i am dead.

 

 

this post is late for all of those reasons and more.

 

once again this show focused on the boring shit and not enough on the interesting shit..

like mary and nathan eating BBQ...

or k ire getting drunk and passing out by the pool.

and what we didn't see...

which was kathryn eating a pool boy, godzilla style, with her mouth. (and vagina)

 

 

on to the recap.

 

get ready to be bored mostly.. 

 

 

first up glowy and kathryn discuss shopping for lights and stuff..

this scene managed to make me want mcdonalds .

 

 

nathan makes a frankenstein couch..

 

 

 and he can't have no frankenstein couch at high point.

 

 

r u asleep yet?

 

 

meanwhile mary works in a CIA bunker..

 

 she and larry are trying to give her neew lamps some dumb names..

they are trying to find the french word for spider.

cuz her lamp looks like a spider.

duh.

what's french for botox?

 

 la chirurgie plastique 

 

aka scarelarious.

 

 

meanwhile martyn is decorating a palm springs hotel room..

 

 

nathan and mary go to highpoint and stay in a gross hotel together..

hotels are gross in general btw.

even the nice ones.

wait...this one was nice wasn't it?

or was it?

i don't know..i usually stay at the hampton inn.

(p.s. they didn't stay here)

 

 

 

back in california we have to endure JAM and ross shopping for eleventy billion dollar coffee tables and suzanne tucker and mexican eye dances and thumb wars and purple crayon shavings and tiny jesus farts..

wait..

what?

oh..sorry...i must have fallen asleep.

i was having the WEEEIRDEST dreams.

 

let's just say that this sums these 2 up for me perfectly...

who's got a scythe?

 

so then suzanne tucker lets these knuckleheads have a janice dickinson table with feet.

no..really.

look:

it's a janice dickinson table.

 

but it's too small for a coffee table.

 

 fiona prolly coulda told em that..

 

 

back at high point..

NEWELL NEWELL NEWELL NEWELL!!!!

 

newell let me take this opportunity to publicly tell you that this month's house beautiful was on fire!

i have opened it on the pooper above all the other 78 shelter mags present in my poopmaking room every single time since it's arrival in my house last week.

anyway..

newell gives the thumbs up to nathan's suzani ottoman.

 

and then there is a bloomingdales circle jerk..

 

over this couch:

which was totally not the best couch.

 

 

 

 back in palm springs..

martyn brings kathryn along to..ummm...i don't know...attract bees?

 

but kathryn's all..

pool fuckers!

with a side of food and liquor.

 

6 hours later martyn is still installing world market shit all over the place..

as an aside..

martyn and i have been busy at work on his new fragrance..

it's called:

delicious

the scent is: beard clippings, tin, pomegranate seeds, clown tears, old suzanis, chocolate,  and jizz.

 

 

soon after... mary and nathan are eating bbq being served up by your mom..

 

no shit it's good, mary.

 

 

once martyn finishes up his suite he comes out to check on kathryn.

 

AND SHE'S DEAD!!!!!!

 

NO...ALIVE!!!!

 

 

 

but i'm pretty sure 30 years have past.

 

rumplekathskin.