AHS recap. aka my birth story.

wow.

bet you didn't know that croutons were a powerful talisman against ghosts.

i'll also bet you didn't know that viv was going to die in childbirth.

at least not until you realized it about half way through.

ready to ferret out the fairies?

toss some croatoans in your salad and let's begin!

the year is 1984.

constance is fast asleep in a scotch dream watching newhart..

(who wasn't?)

tater tot is running around playing with a tonka truck..

when the basement door opens.

uh oh..

we know what's down there don't we?

at least ONE hogwarts goblin.

tate takes his tonka truck down the stairs

and proceeds to lose it under some scary shit.

he crawls around to try and retrieve it..

there it sits to the right of the screen..

to the left is a giant gaping hole of black nothingness.

out pops thaddeus aka the hogwarts goblin aka frankenbaby aka a dwarf actor destined to always play scary motherfuckers or elves.

thad reaches for tate's face..

at which point nora appears and grabs little tate and says, "NO THADDEUS!!"

nora tells tate that all he ever has to do is to say 'go away' and all creepy people will do just that.

she then tells him that life is too short for such sorrow.

cut to a bunch of years later..

nora is crying in a room upstairs..

grown up tate is telling her that life is too short for such sorrow.

IN YER FACE NORA!

but she's crying bc she wants those babies.

tate's like..umm...no can do nora.. i love violet so i won't do anything to upset her.

nora's like..

F you that baby is mine.

meanwhile..

ben is dragging violet out of the house to go pick viv up from the hospital.

violet cries a lot.

ben throws her in the back seat and tells her to lay down.

violet's like..nope..

poof!

look at me i'm up in the window.

a few moments later the forever teens are on 'U-tube' and discussing teen stuff..

like, my parents will go crazy once they find out how dead i am.

they can't know..

and

we'll never have babies bc we're dead.

cut to the gayyyyys..

making nursery magic happen with some high gloss red..

and then RUINING IT with some krafty kid's potato project.

i was way into the minty green and red color scheme until they fucked that shit up with those bullshit 1992 

potato animal stamps.

what gay in their right gay mind would ever do something so heinous?!!

violet and tate come in and ask them how to steal shit out of their asses.

or something.

chad tells them they won't be stealing shit.

instead they will be stealing babies.

violet runs to smoke and tell constance about this.

constance is like no one is stealing my grandbaby.

cut to constance up in the nursery with chad..

it goes like this:

constance: chad?

chad: bitch?

constance: gay people are gross.

chad: your hair is gross.

constance: you're not natural.

chad: your face isn't natural!!!

constance: my vagina is the mother of all holes.

chad: so i smell.

constance: you can have baby #2, bc baby #1 is my grandson.

chad: fuck that noise.

constance: you're not fit to raise children, look at these dumb potato stamps.

chad: hahaha guess what stupid??

we're going to kill them while they're still cute and make decorative stamps with their stumps.

scene.

 cut to an episode of celebrity ghost stories.

the re-enactment.

billie ray psychic is in the house 'splainin how to go about removing ghosts.

constance just homophobes all over everyone.

something about indians and croutons and personal belongings.

this shit is so dumb.

at the hospital the doctor comes in and tells viv and ben that she best be on bed rest bc one of those babies is pretty much eating the other one.

and it wants ouuuuutttt!!!!

viv is paddling up denial river.

tate and violet are on a scooby chase to get patrick's gay ring and chad's gay watch.

tate, of course, has to try to get a beej out of it.

patrick tells tate he should have tried to get to know him before he shoved a fire poker up his ass.

then proceeds to beat him severely around the face. 

he mentions during the beating that it is tate's fault he's stuck there with a man he doesn't love.

man=chad.

sads.

chad hears this and decides that he doesn't want to be my two dads anymore

so he goes to the basement and throws everything in the incinerator.

* i swear to god if the incinerator is like some hell portal i will be super pissed. 

unless it's a portal to the glee high school.

then that would be cool.

meanwhile viv is in the car having some labor pains that look a lot like my labor pains.

the rest of the episode goes like this:

ben: violet, let's go to florida now.

violet: NO! I'M DEAD!!!  but you guys go and have fun!

ben: what?  you're so silly.  come on.

violet: NO YOU FUCKING IDIOT WHEN YOU DIE HERE YOU NEVER LEAAAAVE!

ben: stop eating so many drugs!

minnie from The Help: eat my shit! 

viv: SCREAM SCREAM SCREAM HOLY MOTHER OF ASSSSSSSSS SCREAM!

constance: let's go hayave these baybuhs...

ben: hey! stop smashing my car up!!!

napoleon dynamite twins: GOD!!  shut up!! (smash smash smash)

ben: what's up with your necks?

constance (to ben): let's do this!!!

Dr. Charles: turn out the lights and light up some candles bitches!  electricity is dumb!

slutty dead nurses: yes doctor.

viv: AHHAAAHHHHHHHHH!!! FUCK MY LIIIFFFFEE!!!!!!!!!

ben: (thinking) whatinjesus'snameishappening??

constance: get your head out of your ass ben and go and help your wife.

viv: givemesomemotherfucking EEETHERRRR!!!

ben: breathe viv. 

flashback..

happy birth

scary birth

happy birth

scary birth

i love you

i hate everyone

ben: pushhh!!

viv: FUUUUUCKKKK!!!

dr. charles:  oops, this one is stillborn, here you go honey (wink wink).

viv: can i hold it? (soul crushing agony)

constance: one more in there though!  don't stop now!

downstairs..

violet: CROUATON!!!

chad: hahahaa!

violet: darnit.

chad: tate raped your mom.

violet: nuh uh. 

chad: yuh huh.

upstairs...

viv: FUUUUUUUUUCCCKKKKKK....this hurts really bad..

final push...

pop!

constance: gimme.

viv: can i hold him?

constance: he needs a bath.

crayden: give me my baby bitches.

viv: i feel really bad.

drip drip drip..

puddle 

splash.

(glee kids come out and sing a song from rent)

violet: come to my side mom.

ben: nooooooooo....

upstairs upstairs...

violet: tate you are a murdering doucher!

tate: nuh uh.

violet: GO AWAY!!!

tate: noooooooo!!!

poof.

and then some more mother daughter sadness that i HATE.

so.

did you see it coming at all?

i have to say as soon as she was in the car about to go into labor mike turned back to me from his chair and said, "she's going to die during childbirth".

and i was like...

OF COURSE SHE IS!!!! 

i'm glad really.  

it's going to be awesome between all the women of the house fighting for those babies.

and watching ben go crazy.

 right?

RIGHT??!!!

CROUTON!

today

 

i woke up wanting to stick my face in the snow.

in paris.

not sure why.

but there it is.

also my AHS watching was delayed by a football game.

so recap over the weekend.

word to your gerd.

the look for less- ashley stark dining room

look at it again!!!!!!

but now look at it through the eyes of affordability..

 

ok i am never going to buy some stumps and/or zinc and fashion a table out of it..

but there are plenty of you knuckleheads who would do..

see here and here.

but the rest is super doable and for a dining room makeover EXTREMELY affordable.

stencil/chandelier/lamps/console/mirror/sconce/zinc/chair

ok then.

carry on.

thursday is the day before friday.

always remember that.

you should watch this at least 74,092,830,842,098,399,999 times..

slap. yo. ovaries.

at first i was like..whaaa? and then i was like...yesss!

does that ever happen to you?

you see a room in a magazine or something..

and you either pass right by it bc it just doesn't butter your biscuit,

or..

you look at it and think..

hell to the no.

such was the case when i saw this..

i mean i didn't have much of an opinion on it either way.

i thought the buffet was covetable.

and the light was cool in a sea urchin kind of way.

but after staring at it again in elle decor while on the pooper..

i was like..

this is the prettiest dining room i've seen in a while.

that table is outstanding. 

LOOK AT IT!

those cool bronze tulip-y candleholders. 

if that's what they are..?

the rug.

the soft, nice rug.

the chairs..

oh the chairs. 

those lamps..OOOOOH THOSE LAMPS!

the silvery gray wallpaper..

the silvery beams...

it's like fucking narnia!!

only one problem-

i would never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever

ever ever ever ever ever ever ever 

ever ever ever ever ever ever 

ever

e

v

e

r

ever

eat in there.

pretty though.

ahs.

s.o.s

i am writing this from under my bed with constance's knife in one hand and gasoline and a match in the other.

(which makes writing very dificult)

nobody better come fucking with me or i will start swinging this thing and then set shit off like a chinese new year.

my blood pressure was through the roof while watching this episode and i definitely shit my pants.

 seriously..

i wasn't sure i could even recap it.

all i can think about is violet running around in circles trying to escape.

or burning child scalps.

or man made dog meat, if you know what i'm sayin..

or for fuck's sake dead violet in the basement with a party of flies in her mouth.

MODG was right.

i TOTALLY DIED MY GOAT'S TAINT OFF THIS WEEK.

 the proof is in the diaper my friends...

grab your baby wipes and your burn salve and let's get started..

1994.

 time for some crazy ass 1950's ham.

ham that tastes like pineapples and cigarette smoke and regret.

tate, constance, addy and larry are seated around the dinner table.

tate begins to say grace..

only instead of nice things he says things like..

thank you for this murdering asshole who is banging my mother.

so obviously this is just after larry's wife and children set themselves on fire.

larry don't care though.

he just wants his new family to come and see him sing in the chorus of brigadoon down at the local theater.

addy screams with excitement.

tate bangs the table in protest.

saying that this asshole is the guy that killed our brother.

constance is quick to point out that beau died in his sleep bc of respiratory problems.

and that tate was blessed with gifts he has yet to use.

whatever.

bc that was all just a set up for the next scene.

we FINALLY find out how larry became burny.

and that's the thing about tate.

one minute you're like this guy is a fucking psycho who needs to get what's coming to him.

and the next you're like...YAAAAY TATE!!!!!   

set that fucker on fire!!!

we see tate in his room preparing for some baby arm-sized coke lines.

once he's good an geeked he grabs about 40 guns and shoves them up his sleeves,

along with a big ol red can of gasoline.

he marches right into larry's place of work, throws some gas on his head and tosses a match on top.

KABOOM!

larry is now burny.

tate leaves now to obviously go kill his school.

thankfully they don't show this part again.

next up is viv with some freshly red'ed hair.

looks like someone got out for a minute and had her hair did.

ben comes in and apologizes for throwing major douche shade her way.

but then just diarrheas out...your babies have 2 different fathers.

jesus ben, prepare a girl for news like that.

viv makes the best grossed out freaked out combo face in the history of ever.

ben says he will have her out in a few days and back home.

viv says she won't go back to the house.

THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!

obviously some time alone with her thoughts has served her well.

meanwhile constance is visited by 2 dectectives.

the 3 of them around the table looking like a veritable benetton ad.

one black, one asian-ish and one white.

they are showing constance pictures of travis in the hopes that she can identify him.

constance confirms that it's him and then asks who would do something like that to poor, sweet travis?

she then asks what he was doing in the COLORED section of town?

oh constance.

strike 1.

constance truly don't give a single fuck about anything.

over at murder house..a truant officer appears to check on the whereabouts of one violet harmon who has been absent from school for 16 days.

this coupled with the blowflies in a bowl of NOT decomposing apples comfirms our fears that 

violet is most likely dead.

next we see violet who maybe isn't dead but is probably dead and we are looking at her ghost sitting in her room listening to music.

ben knocks and comes in saying he is sorry for being such a bag of dicks.

he says she needs her to go back to school.

she says she can't.

ruh roh.

like don't wanna can't?

or like dead can't?

he tells her she has to meet him half way.

she agrees.

next constance is over at burny's.

she is telling him all about trav and then decides to chef's knife him in the neck.

she accuses him of killing her manly boyfriend.

he tells her that the house did it, basically.

or the ghosts inside it.

she gets super excited..

saying, "he died in the house??!!?!?!"

she's outta there faster than the results of a beiber paternity test.

but not before she belittles him with "travis was TWICE the man you are"..

larry follows with, "he is now".

nice burn, burny.

meanwhile tate pleads with violet to stay home from school one more day.

and in my heart of hearts i know this is bc he cares for violet.

bc he doesn't want her to figure out she's dead.

bc basically she CAN'T leave for school.

she can't leave period.

across the street constance returns home to see benetton cops outside her door.

some more racist jokes are made, this time hiroshima.

she is an equal opportunity racist.

her chef's knife falls out of her purse.

next we see constance down at the station being interrogated about all kinds of shit.

her husband and maid, moira still missing..

she claims they ran off down to mexico.

but what she really means is she buried moira in the back yard and dragged her husband down the stairs

(clearly not lacking upper body strength)

stuffed him in the meat grinder and fed him to the dog.

word.

some young new guy lawyer type tells constance they want to pin the murder on her.

oh the irony.

obviously this is the ONLY person she DIDN'T murder.

back at M.H.

the bug guy shows up to find the source of the blowflies.

whilst crawling around in the crawlspace he is giving himself the eye of the tiger speech, then comes up on a 

buttload of flies..

a-ha!!

he peers over the edge of a big ass hole and screams!

tate jumps out, says something stupid and shoves the end of the bug guy's spray hose into his mouth and pulls the trigger.

sheesh.

what a way to go.

but i guess now he knows how bugs feel.

upstairs ben is on the phone, calling private schools for girls..

when he sees a creepy reflection of tate in a photograph and turns around suddenly.

only no one is there.

next tate rushes up to the attic to play some chess.

as you do.

he tells violet that her dad is going to send her away.

down in the basement burny is digging up travis's bloody clothes..

he runs into travis.

he says he wants to get rid of the evidence.

travis doesn't understand.

he asks about being famous..

then hears some little girl voices.

and fuck me in my face there are some smoking, burned children girls sitting around a table having tea.

burny is sad.

they're his daughters.

and wife.

he looks at his wife and says he is going to make constance pay for what she did to his family.

and his wife is all...she didn't break any vows. YOU did asshole.

back upstairs ben is, thankfully, in the shower.

tate blasts through in full rubber.

they proceed to work each other over.

it is totally violently super gay and super hot. 

i am surprised that tate is winning here.

is it bc he is a ghost and is fighting with ghost like strength or is tate just ridiculously tall and strong?

or is ben just really short?

you were all wondering this too, right?

anyway..

ben ends up de-masking him, scooby style,

and screams for violet.

seems inappropriate.

wouldn't you have sliced his fucking head off instead?

too late.

tate essentially twists ben's head and tells him to sleep it out.

UGH.

the next bit is just too much.

maybe it's bc i have a daughter and i am full of the pms, but this was sooo sad to me.

tate finds violet again and tells them that it's too late they need to commit suicide so they can be together forever..

violet feigns agreement.

she tells him ok, but let's do it in the tub with candles.

tate says ok but they have to hurry.

while he goes off to get shit ready..

she runs away screaming for her dad..

"he's trying to kill me!!!"

only as she is trying to escape the house she just continues to run around in circles, 

exiting and entering over and over again.

it is disturbing.

maybe the most disturbing of all to me so far.

it's like she gets it but doesn't get it and it sucks.

tate tells her to follow him.

she does.

he leads her to the crawlspace..

where she sees her body...

motherfuck.

so yep.

she DID die from the overdose.

tate tried to save her but couldn't.

he thought that if violet chose to die with him via suicide that she wouldn't be so sad.

still though..

MOTHERFUCK!

over in prison larry confesses to the murder...

constance shows up to throw some c u next tuesday his way..

all he wants is for her to admit to loving him once, 

she can't.  and doesn't pretend to either.

i love her.

jessica lange kills it every time.

the end.

and here we are..

only 2 episodes left.

thoughts...