where the fuck is everybody?

ramona says..."why aren't you on the blogs? i see you on pinorerest or peentrist or whatever it's called so why are you pretending that you're not here or there when REALLY you are just hiding from me because you don't like me or my blog anymore."

ok, not really.  

i know it's the 4th and summer and people are doing things and i get it.

go and have your fun (in london) without me.

while you guys are all out shooting firecrackers out of your b-holes i need to 

play catch up with the NY 'houzwiivz'..

luann is trying to have a baby (gross)

aviva just wants to fit in

ramona is...i don't know what ramona is

carole is a free spirit tryin to be free, man

heather hates ramona and mario and not talking

sonja is a caterer 

i love this show.

i seriously never want it to end.

somehow i was jealous that i wasn't invited to london.

that's how '4th wall' i am while i'm watching.

even though i can see right through this show and all the bullshit trips and parties that are planned in order to HAVE a show worth watching..

i give no fucks about that..

i still watch like an abuela watches univision.

LIKE IT'S REAL!!!

this week we are still in ramona is not invited to london land..

aviva, for some good quality air time and feather ruffling decides it's her goddamned mission in life to get ramona on that plane to london.

heather's like, bitch please...i don't want to say that i hate ramona but i hate ramona.

at this point i think SOMEONE needs to say that they hate ramona!

wait, hate is a strong word..

how about someone just tell her what an asshole she can be...

i'll say it!! i'll say it!!!!

it would go something like this..

me:  hey ramona..listen...instead of whining about not going to london why don't you

try and figure out WHY you aren't invited to london.

it's because you are a big ole crazy bitch and not in a good way.

ramona: stab stab stab

i mean that's the truth right?

ramona seems like she could be real fun and cool but she lets jealousy rear it's ugly head and she's so goddamned awkward and insecure that she turns into a paranoid psycho.

she needs drugs.  and i don't say that lightly.

i gotta give it up for heather...

she's not backing down and caving and inviting ramona.

she seems smart, albeit suuuuper annoying, about life things.

another storyline they are gagging us with is luann and her baby making dreams..

how awkward was this whole question and answer session?

VERY awkward.

look, i love babies and i love love but i am super grossed out about the fact that this is a storyline.

i mean the whole awkward talk with victoria, then this "no really, i swear i'm not menopausal" talk with the doctor...

it's just too much.

and i get that you have a young boyfriend who doesn't have kids and that you might feel like you OWE him something...or maybe you're scared that if you don't give him a kid he'll leave you for a younger woman..

but i don't think i need to tell a classy countess that having babies for a man is real dumb.

i shouldn't have to remind you countess that you are pushing 50 (47) and that you'll have to run around and take care of a toddler right about the time your menopause kicks into high gear..

you have 2 smart and beautiful children...

USE THIS TIME FOR YOURSELF!!

travel, have parties in your big ole houses, enjoy your relationship!!  TRAVEL!

who else smells her desperation?

or am i just being a cold hearted bitch?

carole and ramona meet because ramona needs a sane person's opinion on how to talk to humans..

 we all love carole, right?

i mean she was wearing a baseball jacket!!

and she is clearly entertained by the lunacy of ramona.

as i would be.

i would totally want ramona on a trip, so long as her craziness was directed toward someone else.

ramona finds out that carole is a bonafide princess and all she can think of is how it's going to piss off luann.

then we all watch as carole awkwardly wipes ramona's pinot grigio scented drool from her cool baseball jacket.

afterwards carole and ramona are off to meet heather and aviva at curve..

the apparent most awesome place to shop in all of NYC..says heather.

heather's friend owns it and the two of them are throwing clothes all over everyone in 

another super awkward forced meeting.

heather's mouth diarrhea explodes with "hey look at aviva she only has one leg! don't give her shoes it draws attention to it".

then she sticks her head out the door and with her megaphone mouth blasts that information to all of NY.

meanwhile ramona takes a shit all over the clothes.

carole gets news that her 2nd book is being turned into a tv show.

everyone is excited for her, except ramona who takes a shit in a circle around carole...

and then tells us (me) that her wine is being sold at target.

carole goes on a date with a 31 year old...

good for her.

she acts like she doesn't know.

she knows.

i want all of carole's clothes and i want to know what shampoo and condtioner she uses.

my favorite housewives in order:

carole

carole 

carole

sonja

and 

carole

tomorrow i will give a jersey rundown.

happy 4th of ju-ly.

don't blow your faces off.

monday updates and inspiration

 if you follow me on twitter or instagram or facebook you have already seen this picture..

but it's so terriblawesome it bears repeating..

it's the 7th circle of hell here in atlanta reaching a record high

of 107 degrees over the weekend.

i walked outside and grilled wings with my bare hands and simultaneously melted my face off on saturday.

and yesterday i sliced my footskin off on the (literal) blades of grass that is my lawn.

summer has never been more awesome!

there is good news though...

my toe is much better.

distilled vinegar soaked cotton balls and gauze proved to work miracles.

so it's healing which means itching.

oh the itching.

thank you internet friends.

ok now back to house stuff..

we are meeting this week with the people one meets with when buying a house.

and all i can think about is white rooms vs dark rooms.

you know...the important stuff.

here are more images to confuse us all...

who cares what color your walls are when you have a pink beni..

SEER REE US LEEEEE!!!!!

 

 

i need decidement.

i give you full permission to incorporate that into your vocabulary.

friday is the best day for buying affordable art.

hey everyone.  

reeeeeeaaaalllly surprised i had no takers yesterday for toe sucking.

oh well, your loss.

but today you will all win bc the monsters are back!

these are little monsters.

12 x 12. 

all on heavy linen finish paper.

all $50 each.

however, this time the pieces are being sold on MiNTY.

so please don't email me if you'd like to buy one.

just follow the link under the particular piece you are interested in.

war hero

the return

nap time

they never came out

frankenbunny

the gold dress

the perfect little piece for your gallery wall.

thanks for being so cool.

and have a glorious weekend!!

put down your food...no...i'm serious. put it down.

on sunday i was doing some laundry.

we have a laundry CLOSET.  and in that closet is a cabinet.

and on top of that cabinet was a little red cooler.

it must have been teetering on the edge because WHAAMMMO!!

that fucker fell right on my toe.

that clear skin like stuff on top of the nail is a part of a bandaid that was too stuck for me to pull off without 

searing, blinding pain.

the two little marks are pin/burn holes i made to try and drain it and relieve the pressure.

it helped slightly and for a while it felt like it was getting better.

at least the pain went away a little.

but now it's so bad i am kind of an invalid.

the redness is just bruising and blood and stuff.

no infection as i have been dumping hydrogen peroxide and neosporin on it.

is it broken?

what else can i do besides elevate and ice?

who wants to suck on it?

new house tour part 2- brought to you by black eyed peas and corn....in resin.

thanks for all the encouragment and enthusiasm from yesterday's post.

coupla things:

1. i love the idea of a studio/mudroom for the sunroom.

the good news is there is also a basement with a work sink that i could use as a studio if need be.

so i have options.

options are where it's at.

2. someone asked: why won't white work in a dark space?

well, the simple answer is that it just won't look white.

it will look dark and shadowy and dingey.

the white will more than likely look gray and dirty and depressed instead of bright and clean and pretty.

in some cases white in a dark room looks beige and that's the worst wall color i can think of.

it's better to embrace the dark and go dark.

mid tones work best in a dark room.

in other words..the middle of the paint strip is where you want to go in a dark room.

whatever color you choose to paint it it shouldn't be the lightest version or the darkest version of that color.

just go right in the middle.

another misconception i think is painting a dark room a "sunny" color.

as if that is supposed to replace the light or something.

i guess it really all depends on just how dark the room really is.

which would mean that all of the above info isn't any kind of law.

and the BEST answer would be to test test test...

just follow the guidelines above if your room is dark and/or faces north and/or is shrouded by trees etc..

dark.

and then, once your dark room is nice and cozy with it's perfectly chosen paint.

light that fucker on fire with lamps, sconces and candlelight.

prettiest room ever.

ok...

on to the tour!

the family room.

this room was added onto the original structure,

hence...

the existing window on the outside of the house is now an inner window that is directly above the kitchen sink on other side.

and super sorry about the blurry pic. 

so, ideally i would close it up bc like the other one in the dining room i think it's super old fashioned and just plain weird.

i mean i don't need cooking fumes to waft into my tv watching cave getting all of my upholstery greased up.

plus there is a huge doorway leading into the kitchen just to the right of the sofa there.

so there's just no point.

erin suggested a large mirror on both sides.

and i dig that idea as an until i can get it filled in option.

the fireplace works and is both gas and wood burning.

again with the options!!

the fireplace in the living room also works with the same options.

so, this is the room i struggling with as far as what direction to go in.

i am torn between this..

super dark modern rustic glam cave.

or

light and bright and relaxed and clean.

i could go both ways honestly because the light is great in here.

it opens on to this cute patio..

so it would make sense to use it as the light and bright option but it's carpeted and has a cozier feel than the 

light and bright inspiration pics.

i supposed i could cave it up in the living room but i want the cave aspect in the room that i watch TV in.

and watching TV in the living room (front room) isn't an optin bc it's just too close to the bedrooms.

so.  

that whole bit just has me in a decorating conundrum.

white people problems, i know.

ok, on to the kitchen..

cuntry strong.

despite the barf color and faux finishes the cabinets are SUPER quality.

and changing the cabinet fronts is in the distant future.

but they will be painted in the interim.

probably white or gray. 

up close:

it's like someone wiped poop into the crevices and sealed it with lacquer.

and the counters while appearing black in the photo are anything but..

just your basic vomit sparkle granite.

 with a "fancy" edge. 

are you ready for the most amazing cabinet knobs you've ever seen?!?!

black eyed peas and corn....in resin.

there were more. 

12 more i believe.

all different.

all edible.

all in resin.

like a prehistoric mosquito fossilized for all eternity.

let's all just take a moment.

ok..

i am standing in the doorway to the family room and to the right of me is the breakfast nook.

i failed to take pictures of so many aspects bc i had to go to the bathroom and it was not a pee.

no joke.

i needed to get out and i wasn't into using their bathroom to drop off the kids.

and since we live right down the street from this house it was a mere seconds before i was able to take care of business.

but before we left i was able to take one last pic.

and this is the ONLY real drawback to this house.

because it is totally unfixable.

the masterbath.

it's small.

there it is.

and there it goes..

the other side of the wall is the kitchen and other side of the tub wall is the narrow hallway.

i am pretty sure if there were a better option these people would have done it.

so.

is it a deal breaker?

i don't think so.

bc there is another bathroom (just as small) that i can use for my needs and mike can use this one.

but in a few years fiona will be at that age where sharing a bathroom with her will be torture for us both.

but until that time we can deal.

as for the other rooms.

there are 3 bedrooms.

the master is great.  nice size, nice and bright.

fiona's room is med. size and perfect for her.

the guest room is tiny but we never have guests so who cares?

the basement is great, lots of space that we would use for mike's office/ foot ball watching nights, as well as a play area for fiona.

all in all it's a GREAT first house.

and we are excited!!

new house tour part 1

i snapped some pics of the future house..

for your judgement.

cute, right?

and the white paint is pristine.

so are the shutters and i am usually not a fan of shutters.

but i think once i paint the door and change the lighting it will improve that little bit of something that makes it not the most awesome it can be.

down the road i would change the landscaping around the front but that's down down down double-dog-down the road.

that room right there is a sun room..

the side door there, where all the potted plants are opens into this room:

a cute little sunroom.

if it were me i wouldn't have this here at all.  total waste of space that i could use a million different ways..

BUT..

i am considering this to be the spot i paint in...the light is awesome,  the floor is tiled and there 

is a hose right outside. 

seems perfect, except that it's where you would always enter the house from.

i mean it's not the front entrance but it's one of those situations where i think most people would enter from..

certainly where we would enter from.

wall. 

interesting.

the driveway needs replacing at some point.

the living room, or the room you enter into if you used the front door.

or the room no one ever uses.

i would like this room to be used and spectacular.

like this:

and this..

and this...

the only problem is it's the darkest room in the house..

so white is totally out of the question.

anyway....that's the FEEL i want his room to have.

loungey and casual and sexy, but fresh.

moving on...

the dining room.

that window into the sunroom is going to be filled up at some point.

it annoys me. and i think it looks old fashioned.

i don't know...i may change my mind.

i'd certainly have to live with it for a while.

there is another large window to the right that lets in plenty of natural light, it was just closed with shutters.

the room is a decent size...but not big by any stretch and there's a breakfast nook off the kitchen that we would use to eat in on a daily basis.

so for this room i'd like to do something like this..

have it be a library/dining room/office.

but with this feel..

and a little of this..

airy and light.

not dusty and heavy.

besides i don't have that many books.

how about a happy marriage...

 

 yes.

there are more but your time is up.

come back tomorrow for part 2..

the kitchen, family room and master bath edition.

don't go dyin on me.