where was i yesterday? *updates

well, i wasn't gardening, that's for sure. 

 

bc who wants to garden when it's 37 degrees outside?

 

no one that's who. 

 

i was working on a bathroom for a client and painting some pretties for other clients, but that's beside the point..

 

do you ever have one of those days where you wake up just feeling like a dick covered in poop?

 

where you think, wow...i must have eaten too much cheese (which i never eat usually)?

or maybe that non gluten free tortilla really is killing me slowly?

 

yesterday was tough for me bc of maybe one of those things up there.

i think it's time for a spring cleaning. 

of my body.

 

i am 43 which is 185 in dog years and dog years are basically mom years.

and if you're a mom (or just old in general) you know what i mean.

it means that even though i am 43 i feel like i am 185 most of the time.

 

and i blame it on my diet.

 

i eat a great dinner. (mostly) well balanced. prepared by me using only organic ingredients.

sometimes (once a week) i eat a big salad with loads of nutritious vegetables and nuts and things for lunch.

but mostly i snack on think thin bars.

like, that's it.

all day.

not so smart.

and not so thin. 

 

does this sound familiar?

 

if so, congratulations.

you are treating yourself like shit.

and your self is paying you back in low energy, lame brained-ness and probably cancer.

 

the thing of it is this..

i am busy.

busy is good but if you're busy you need to be really healthy to keep up and to enjoy the busyness.

otherwise you just want to lay in bed and forget about all the things you need to get done.

but it's the busy that is keeping me from eating well.

and i am smart enough to know better.

 

i take the time every day to exercise (unless i am suffering from some kind of malady- see above) but i rarely take the time to fix myself a nutritious meal?

that's like polishing your car but never changing the oil.

 

 and we all know your body is a machine that needs proper fuel to run like a mercedes.

and right now we are a 1987 yugo, 1971 ford pinto at best.

 

 

so, i am not a proponent of cleanses in general.

bc i've never known anyone to not get sick as balls after starting a cleanse.

they are really tough on your body.

and most people don't do them correctly.

the correct way of doing a cleanse is just to cut out 1 or 2 things that you shouldn't be eating and don't change anything else.

and then after 2 weeks, you can add something like a green juice.  because that in and of itself is highly detoxifying.

 

no-no's include:

all processed foods

suspicious to you food intolerances:

wheat/gluten

dairy

protein based foods:

*eggs and meat

 

and for god's sake never do all of the above and add green juices to the mix.

that's a recipe for disaster.

 

and then to top it all off most people do the serious cleanse and then do nothing to help facilitate the drop off of toxins...the herx effect can be very serious for some people and it would be wise to take steam showers and epsom salt baths several times a day.  of course NO ONE does that.  bc who has that time?

but it's part of the detox process.  those toxins have to go somewhere!

and the skin is our biggest detoxifying organ, duh!!!

 

 

so what am i going to do about it?

consult the gooper of course.

 

 

go ahead and put those freshly rolled eyeballs back in your head.

 

you know you lovehate the goop.

 

i certainly do.

 

she had me at "DELICIOUS, EASY recipes that will make you LOOK GOOD and FEEL GREAT"

emphasis on the everything.

 

 

also, she has 40,000 zucchinis behind her which either means she gives us 40,000 recipes for all those summer zucchinis your garden produces or she sticks them up her butt.

i am all for either.

 

book is on pre-order.

if you order now it's only $17.39.

 

 

so my plan is this:

back to my working-for-me no dairy, no gluten diet.

eating 3 healthy meals a day or if there's little time for lunch i will at least vow to eat a healthy snack.

and drink more water. (i think this might be my biggest problem)

 

who's with me?

 

 

 

* a note about eggs.

eggs are the world's most perfect food.

we should be eating eggs every day, or at the very least several times a week.

but if you are sensitive to them you are lacking sufficient enzymes to help you digest them and/or you are cooking them too much.  heating the egg protein alters it's chemical shape. the distortion is what forms the allergic reaction.  also ONLY buy organic eggs.  not free range. free range is a bullshit term that means nothing.

***read this about eggs for the truth about eggs 

 

what should we talk about?

 

 this commissioned piece i painted for someone that i don't want to give up?

 

 

so. big.

 

 

or we could talk about mad men some more.

i sit on the sofa so engrossed that when it's over i forget where i am and what year it is.

 also, joan's boobs.

 

 

ooorr...we could talk about how every time i make plans to prepare my garden, it rains.

 

 

 this shit's not gonna happen by itself, weather.

 

 

also i need to prepare my deck for sitting and and sunning and such..

 

 

 

and mike can't build this in the rain..

 

 come on spring.

less lion, more lamb.

 

or..

 

we could just talk about the fact that jake gyllenhaal was stalking me in whole foods the other day, and not the other way around...

 

 

pick your topic people.

 

 

you can't hate me any more than i hate myself

don't even get in my face with how indecisive i am.

i am in my own face and shoving q-tips deep into my ear canal (girls. shudder).

 

let's see if you can guess what i am talking about...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

have you figured it out yet?

 

white walls forever.

 

p.s. how awesome is the black trim in the 2 last images?

 

p.p.s that dog is not amused.

 

p.p.p.s choosing the right white might be the death of me.

i need it to be a vanilla meets marshmallow cloud, like picture #6.

 

i am aware of the rules of white...my living room can take any color.  it gets amazing light.

 

and we need a new sofa bc ours is a mess.

 

and i am leaning toward a mattress covered in linen with tufting.

 

like so..

 

and..

 

 

this idea is a good one bc it's practical (no guest room + oft snoring husband) and good looking.

 

 

help me.

 

 

new paintings in the shiznop.

 

hello. 
new paintings for your pleasure..(hopefully).

 

 

wait for it

 

pink abstract

 

 

kanji II

 

melting

 

pluie

 

 

mathletes

 

 

yellow cat

 

 

bluestar's prophecy

 

 

short ride in a fast machine

 

 

pick one up here. 

 

thanks everyone.

 

 

 

houzwives talk

why does everyone say "real houzwives".

instead of houSEwives.

 that shit bothers me.

do you notice it?

it's like they have to say it bc the soft 's' in housewives when said into a microphone in a recording studio will blow your eardrums out.

because (kyle) why else would they all (kyle) say 'previously on the real houZwives of beverly hills'...kyle!

 

let's figure some shit out...

 

first of all..

 

we'll always have paris and kim's not fucked up fucked upness.

it was hilarous when she was like, oh i thought this alcohol was actually my peach colored horse water pill. 

i mean, she was fucked up right?

we're not crazy here. right?

 

yolanda is the worst. but also seems like a nurturing person, for such a terrible person.

every time she calls david "my love" i hit myself in the face like rainman.

and guess what yolanda...you marry millionaires.  for their money.

you're not fooling anyone.

 

 

fun fact: 

i based my 'swedish official' character that i auditioned for the other day on yolanda. 

giving zero fucks about the fact that she's dutch, not swedish.

 

marisa and "maurice" (it's fucking mauricio. never forget) agree to sell richard zanuck's house for a "fair" 23 million. 

 

fun fact #2:

i actually auditioned for richard zanuck. 

he looked like a skeleton.

not like a skinny brandi skeleton but like a guy that has a total skeleton face.

which is probably why tim burton liked him so much.

also- i hate marisa. 

 

 

kyle opens a store where she can sell all of the brightly colored kaftans the world has to offer.

which is a lot.

 

let's talk about the store name for a second. 

kyle: by alene too.

 

first of all it makes no sense unless your name is alene.  or kyle. 

second of all it sounds like it should be for children.

third of all it's in a warehouse.

and fourth of all...glitter kaftans.

 

and last but not least..

the return of dana.

who drinks.

a lot.

and smokes capris.

 

discuss.

 

i will leave you with this glamorous picture of faye and her kyle by alene too dress..

 

 

 you're welcome.

 

 

 

p.s. come back tomorrow for i will be offering up some new paintings in my shop.