happy halloween from this creepy as fuck baby with a skull and horn head.
here's to hoping your kid writes a similar letter one day and you take a solid shit in your pants.
and finally..
your mom wishes you happy halloween and plenty of nightmares.
today is my favorite of favorite holidays.
but you probably knew that already.
honestly it's a toss up between it and opposite day.
AHS recap tomorrow.
if i were invited to your halloween party i would go as suzy bishop..
but instead i'll probably go as a mom who tricks and treats with her zombie leopard kid.
does any other mom out there have to do 2 costumes for their kid?
fiona wants to be a zombie leopard by night and taylor swift by day.
the day costume is for biography day at school.
i guess at montessori they don't do halloween the traditional way..
they have to incorporate it into a learning experience.
stupid smart people.
also 3 new paintings in the shop..
lately i've been inspired by aboriginal paintings.
i love their honesty and movement but not the color choices.
i get it though, therein lies the honesty.
they used those drab colors because their "paints" pretty much consisted of plants and mud.
ok then.
halloween tomorrow.
what are you going as?
one year my mom dressed me as a hooker and told me i was a lady of the evening.
i thought that sounded super glamorous.
thanks mom.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAH
HAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHA
HA HA HA HA HA
HA!
they don't actually eat there, do they?
this person gets all the yesses.
what a pretty little room.
part of the napa valley showhouse designed by hillary thomas.
wall to wall sisal never gets old.
see more of this room here.
i have been working on this commission for months and i am finally finished.
this was a big one..obviously.
these canvases are 48 x 60.
and now they will be taken off the stretchers, rolled in heavy PCV piping and shipped to a lucky lady with a giant wall.
these are all going side by side, they will be framed and lighted up with fancy and important brass picture lights.
i cannot wait to see them situated.
for my next trick..
more commissions to work on and some more to fill the shop.
come back later today if you're interested in purchasing some paper pieces.
and contact me if you're interested in commissioning your own giant canvas. or small one.
as promised the new dining room light got hung and i almost did too.
ladies if you have a husband/boyfriend you probably ask him to do things for you that you can't do or at least don't want to do.
such as hanging heavy ass lights from the ceiling.
this is how saturday went down...
old light comes down.
new light goes up.
but then the hundred or so heavy, glass, pear shaped baubles have to be attached.
and the hanging of the light we discover, was the easy part..
turns out those little "pears" have 2 prongs with tips going in opposite directions so that they stay put after they have been inserted with needle nose pliers into a tiny hole (that's what she said).
it took a long, long, long time.
so i tried to remain thankful and upbeat.
i made chicken salad..
do yourself a favor and add celery, diced apples and roasted, salted pistachios to your next chicken salad recipe.
i usually just toss leftover chicken in some mayonnaise and salt and pepper and throw it on the table.
i think this new chicken salad may have helped save my life.
beacuse this is essentially what the next 9 hours sounded like..
next up?
fiona and i baked cookies.
sadly not even cookie dough helped the situation...
so i did some other things-
fiona invited me to a tea party..
our tea was fiona's choice..
celestial seasonings sugar cookie sleigh ride (gag).
and..
oatmeal chocolate chip cookies with a sprinkling of sea salt flakes.
back in the dining room..
progress was being made..
but i had taken to hiding to get documentation.
i hung planetary girl in my living room..
pillowrexia.
ok.
brace yourselves..
my doors are done.
i took this photo because i was hiding in the living room as far away from the dining room as possible.
caturday.
experimenting.
and somewhere in the middle of all that love
the light was finished.
(there were no flowers lying around so i styled that shit up with a gourd)
she do sparkle.
also- spaceship + alien pod if you look closely.
p.s. the light is the robert abbey bling chandelier
this episode went there ya'll.
and by there i mean my nightmares.
i wouldn't be surprised if, for many of you, this is the end of your AHS watching days.
nothing in this show scared me in the traditional sense but just about EVERYTHING made me want to poke sticks into my eyes.
but, despite having to choke back some vom i managed to mostly enjoy this week's episode!!
there were many plot turns and bits of chewy minotaur horns to sink our teeth into this week.
they make those for dogs right?
and 2 new and utterly (or udderly if you're a minotaur) inimitable broadway legends graced us with their presence!
patti lupone and christine ebersole!
let's hope ryan murphy had the good sense to add a musical number to a future episode.
as they say on broadway..
ON WITH THE SHOW!!
fiona can't seem to sleep and who can blame her?
who sleeps in a negligee and matching robe?
she notices her water is empty so she can't slide the pills down her throat.
she heads downstairs for the good shit.
she starts looking at the hogwarts grand staircase of portraits and notices holly hobbie's granny's portrait..
or is it the old maid on the 1970's version card game?
it's one of those.
but it's also christine ebersole. bow down.
a flashback ensues.
it's 1971
and we learn that the old maid is fiona's witch supreme mom.
and fiona is being played by..i don't know? not me?
i'd like to point out a very fun fact.
i auditioned to play the part of young jessica lange in tim burton's big fish.
the part went to alison lohman.
because let's face it i was too old even in 2003 to play the young jessica lange.
i did get to read for tim burton and richard zanuck.
aka the zanuck that died during RHOBH.
anyway...
young fiona is sucking the life and power out of her mom and current supreme.
which we learn is always the way.
once the new supreme starts to gain power the old one becomes disease ridden and eventually dies.
only fiona wants to be all supremey sooner than later so she slits her mom's throat. RUDE.
we see filch looking like a wedding singer in vegas in the background witnessing the whole thing.
and then flashforward? er..back to present day, fiona is coming out of her memory-funtime and filch is looking like filch again.
fiona slowly hisses.."what's the matter? cat got your tongue?"
cue creepy intro.
now we see present day fiona on a barstool poetically reciting all the reasons getting old sucks a bag of dicks.
which cuts right into her sitting in a plastic surgeon's office..
she doesn't really want to cut her face off and sew it back on tighter but i think that's what the doctor is suggesting.
see?
getting old really DOES suck a bag of dicks.
just ask madonna.
have you seen that shit lately?
meanwhile..
zoe visits kyle's mom..wendy from st. elmo's fire.
she is out of her scuba suit and has embraced her thickness.
she also smokes weed now and no longer wears pearls.
back at school..
some new neighbors are moving in.
in particular a shirtless young person.
his mother, played by patti lupone- bow down, enters and shuts down the nakedness. SO rude.
delphine hisses LIIIEEEESSSSS to fiona when fiona tells her that black people have held all sorts of office since her time including a black poet laureate.
her watching obama give his inaugural speech is priceless, hilarious even.
fiona goes on to tell delphy that she will be playing the part of maid.
and that if she doesn't play she goes back in the box.
later fiona tells delphy that not only will she be a maid but she'll be queenie's maid in her glorious "nothing i hate more than a racist" speech.
do you think paula deen thinks this is about her?
over in the anthropologie cabin in the woods...
misty and frankenkyle are laying around listening to some stevie jams.
misty has rubbed her favorite aligator doo doo all over his wounds and i have to say, it seems to be working.
i've got some stretch marks on my stomach that could stand to disappear.
seriously..who's got the aligator poop?
zoe shows up to steal kyle back.
misty cries and spins cries and spins.
nan bakes no shirt his favorite cake..
madison wears her best slutty dress but no shirt only has eyes for nan.
inside madison does her best impersonation of me talking to religious people and then starts throwing knives and setting the curtains on fire with her mind.
unfortunately i don't have that skill.
meanwhile foxxy can't have a baby (the natural way)..
and fiona gots the cancer.
zoe drops kyle off at mom's..
neighbor patti drops off the bible...
and proceeds to tell fiona all about firestarter madison.
ruh roh.
someone is the new supreme.
ok here goes..
if you watch this show this is probably the part where your eyes started to bleed and you punched whoever was sitting next to you and then conveniently hit pause to go and gather your damn self in the kitchen with a cup of something soothing.
if you don't watch prepare yourself...
so kyle's mom is a child molester.
of her own child.
SUPERPUKE!!!
this is how it went down at my house..
me: oh. she's close. man, she's close to his face. like that's kinda weird.
mike: oh god.
me: OHMYGODOHFUCK SHE'S KISSI...(gag noise)....SHE'S KISSING HIM SHE'S FRENCH KISS...(gag)..
mike: oh god.
me: oh no she's (nervous laughter) she's putting her hands down his pants..she's JERKING HIM OFF!!!
mike: oh god.
me: (hits pause button and walks it off)
mike: (frozen)
SERIOUSLY?!
i hope mom gets her face bashed in with a trophy.
meanwhile in the backroom at cornrow city ..
foxxy wants to have some of marie's special fertility potion.
marie tells foxxy that it's no picnic to partake in such a thing.
and in some kind of sideways magic show foxxy gets to see what that shit would be like.
foxxy dressed in a sexy red dress? check.
jar of an enormous amount of baby gravy?
check. (gag)
angela basset deep throating the hottest chili pepper in the world?
check.
scarificial baby goat spewing forth it's neck blood all over foxxy's body?
check. rub that shit in? check check.
except it's only a projected vision and marie says not in a million years will she give anything to the daughter of her arch enemy.
and then she goes back to her bone throne and solitaire game.
foxxy is super sadmad.
meanwhile..
fiona and madison become bff's.
madison talks about her mom, dina lohan.
later delphine is giving queenie the shit stare of all shit stares and queenie is giving delphine the imma eat you stare.
queenie discovers that the "maid" is really delphine lalaurie and a total racist bitch!
queenie goes to stomp on her and something passes by the window.
long story short..
delphine explains that the thing outside is her old house boy made into a minotaur.
queenie cuts delphine, for the scent of blood?
still not 100% sure why she did that..
and then goes outside to confront the minotaur...
but instead of killing him or eating him she starts doing it with him.
his hooves carressing her shoulders, his horns stabbing tickling her face.
it's super weird and out of left field and i don't need to see gabourie sidibe pretending to masturbate.
ever.
st. elsewhere...
kyle's mom gets her face bashed in with a trophy!!!!
as gross and awesome as this is at least we know we won't have to endure that other shit anymore.
over on the other side of town...probably in one of the wards..
fiona takes madison out to play pool and get drunk.
but then in a sly turn of events she tells madison all about the cancer and that she's the new supreme and that she killed her own mother and squandered away her gifts and money and power and then she pulls out the knife she killed her own mother with and "accidentally" slits madison's throat.
but then she walks over to filch who's ready with a hanky for wiping away the blood on her hands and smiles.
all that confessing for nothing.
she sits down on a chair and delivers what is probably the most awesome line to be had by anyone, yet.
"this coven doesn't need a new supreme. it needs a new rug."
the end.
enjoy my favorite fiona moments of the night...
so...thoughts?
here are mine:
gabourey sidibe can't act.
sorry. she's an adorable dumpling wrapped up in a chocolate truffle body and i'd like to squeeze the stuff out of her and i'm sure she's the nicest person, like, EVER, but there isn't an ounce of nuance in that body of hers.
nan, on the other hand..kills it!
plus the whole sudden minotaur beast love fest was kind of weird and sudden and the set up was odd and i'm not sure why.
maybe gaby was so bad they had to cut some shit out.
and speaking of nan, she and the new guy are totally going to be in love.
so if madison is dead who will be the new supreme?
or is it that once you are chosen the supreme you are supreme no matter what?
i still say the supreme will show up as stevie nicks.
or diana ross.
how terriblawesome would that be?
did i get everything?
sound off witches!
once again, thank you to the lurkers for de-lurking yourselves and just making yourself known.
i hope that felt good and not like bad period cramps.
i love the ideas that you guys are laying down.
some really good ones and just some reminders about things i used to do that you'd like to see more of.
so look for more come to jesus's in the future.
if i sense a disconnect at any point i'll just holler.
hopefully i won't have my menses and a case of the quits and instead it'll be like a sitcom business meeting.
i'll wear shoulder pads and glasses and i'll point to charts and shit.
ok let's move on..
first i'd like to know, are you all experiencing dramatic and horrifying dreams these past few nights?
mike and i both have woken up saying, man..i had some weird ass dreams last night.
both of us seem to be dreaming about situations where we are essentially helpless.
for me i am lost and can't find what i'm looking for.
i am a U2 song.
is it this mercury retrograde business?
i'd love to know if this is a world wide phenomenon.
so..
i got my digital issue of AD espana last night and about fell out when i saw this house..
it's so plain!
but so stunning.
i mean you could go a million different ways with an old (assuming it's old), architecture heavy house like this..
and i feel like they did a universal second choice here.
in improv classes we are always taught "second choice".
and that basically means don't go with the obvious.
because the obvious is predictable and it's what the audience will expect and therefore leaving us all like," i coulda come up with that!".
i know for some people this just won't be their taste and that's cool.
i'm not even sure it's mine..
i just see a house that is letting the architecture play the lead and the rest is lending beautiful support.
i think i could be happy here though.
i like the idea of a house with little to no stuff lying around.
it's a perpetual blank slate.
i think we can all get behind the beauty of this bathroom.
lots of marble and white warmed up with wood.
and that brass base under the marble?
dead.
and now i want a cerused, square dining table with benches at the heads of it.
it's funny, but i'll bet this room is way better in person.
i'll bet the whole house is.
and i used to never be on board with dark trim and white walls but now, i have plans to recreate this look in my own house.
stay tuned til 2015 for that to go down.
i just really want to see more of this house.
i give it 5 out of 5 chloes.
dreams?
dark trim/white walls?
too much chloe?
AHS recap tomorrow.
