golden globes recap

main thoughts:

man buns are the worst.  i want to take them all down....in private  (raises eyebrows)

amy poehler won and she should have.

how many dicks did andy samberg have to suck on to win best actor in a comedy series and to win BEST COMEDY IN A COMEDY SERIES?!

i don't like where matthew mcconaughey's face is heading. 

bryan cranston won and he should have.

emma thompson is my spirit animal.

i can't speak of the film wins because the only movie i saw this year was frozen because parent.

jacqueline bisset is my spirit animal's spirit animal. 

tina fey and amy poehler are a national treasure.  that leo/supermodel/vagina joke was legit the funniest thing ever. 

robin wright's boob tape. 

on to the fashion..if you can call it that.  

in no particular order:

this dress is too weird to discuss.

her face is like a pretty man. 

unflattering and drab.

she looks like a sick penis.

nothing to see here. 

yes to all of this. 

johnny depp is on to something here. 

she's like a slutty keira knightly.

that blonde in the back pretty much nailed it.

so did the red head with the horsey teeth, she whinnied and had to look away, right after she tried to eat those things on tina's dress.

the hair is the worst part for me. 

combover.

toes.

vaguely penile.

2 penises on a date. 

good and fashioney.

but helmet hair. 

also, i'll bet the dress is about as comfortable as a maxi pad in a bathing suit. 

no. 

wow. pretty. 

of all the necklines this one is my favorite. 

it's just so flattering and pretty and sensual. 

she nailed it from head to toe. 

too smooshy on her boobs is the least of this dress's problems. 

but damned if she hasn't moved all the way to the top of my "dream dinner guest list".

good shoes.

did she swim THROUGH the hair gel?!

the fuck is this?

is she high?

ahhhh....eyeball cleanser. 

( i mean that in a good way. as in this is so good it's cleansing my eyeballs from that heidi mess up there)

corn broom?

 predator?

this is classic julia not giving a fuck.

while i don't love the coral applique...i don't hate it either... but i love LOVE the cut of this dress and think she looks amazing. 

i want to like this dress but i don't. 
 

throw-up. 

not feelin it. 

her head is good.

she could wear it to give birth in though and be super comfy. 

maybe that was the plan. 

why does she always wear a glittery bathrobe?

that version of a ponytail is becoming the guy fieri of hairstyles. 

not human.  mermaid. 

this dress makes me wanna hate fuck robin thicke. 

this dress looks like if david's bridal made a dress out of dresses from filene's basement.

hamnana.

ham stuffed in a banana. 

the prettiest girl at the party. 

this dress is trying too hard to be cool. 

cutest head. 

this dress looks like if a saloon girl costume became a giant stick of cinnamon gum and then a pretty praying mantis crawled inside it and put on red lipstick. 

LOVE!!!!-

said no one. 

yep.  every. time. 

and my best dressed winner issssssss.......

this cartoon crab with a chloe sevigny head. 

worst dressed is everyone. 

AHS- smack my bitch up

where do i begin? 

this episode served up some aileen wuornos level beatdowns.

and 2 blonde witches twirled the shit out of some twirls.  

also god of gods?  

please let me age like angela basset. 

what is her GD secret?  

BUT...

 this episode left me a little confused in a lot of places.  

what it lacked in plot points that made sense it made up for in plot points that made no sense. 

EXACTLY! 

see below:

fiona brings marie a cup of strrooooong tea and says i will put a spell on you for sleep and marie acts like she feels bad for being so weak and vulnerable.  

why is marie suddenly all cool with everything.  but whatever, it's early. i'll forgive. 

marie is awakened by the shadow man from the princess and the frog..  

and we find out that she owes this guy a something or other for something he gave her. her fucking gorgeous skin no doubt. yeah, pay the piper missy.  that ain't right. 

what she owes him, apparently, is a baby. 

she sneaks into a hospital, steals a baby and then makes PMS face and the 2 security cops blow each other's heads off.  

sweet trick. 

i could see this trick being useful in a number of instances. 

mainly and most obviously, when 2 dudes with guns are trying to kill you.

but, what about in the grocery store when it's really busy?  in this case carts=guns.  

later marie, cordelia and fiona are sitting around watching the news about hank and cordelia acts like her brain is blind instead of her eyes.

when did cordelia get so dumb?

marie explains that she hired him because he was a witch hunter.  

fiona evidently is feeling the monumental stupidity on foxy's part and marches over and slaps the ever-loving shit out of her head. 

fiona also explains that they need to find the hive. 

mini stevie is doing some twirls and shit when fiona comes in and explains what the supreme power is all about.

she marches her downstairs to where the white witch herself is hanging out..NBD!

mini stevie faints lisa vanderpump style. 

then big stevie high-5's fiona and starts singing rhiannon at the piano. 

mini stevie is in the corner touching herself.

fiona is doing exactly what i would be doing if stevie nicks was playing the piano in my living room, reclining in a chair after smoking some powerful-ass weed.  (you know she did).

zoe, madison and nan come in and madison asks when eminem gets there.  fiona gives a "marshall?  you're not his type.  but more importantly, you aren't the suuupreeeeme". 

misty and stevie do some simultaneous twirling and away she goes. 

nan practices some mind control on madison.  cigarette in vagina. 

another AWESOME power to have. 

madison is convinced she's the supreme and not misty so they will settle it with a supreme off.   of course they are. 

cordelia finds the delphi hive. 

cordelia wants to help. fiona screams at her and calls her hopeless and worthless. 

i suspect this is to actually protect her.  at least i hope so. 

there is some adorable mouse sacrificing, hecate conjuring, chanting and more fainting. 

delphi is infiltrated by some fbi agents. 

madison and nan go to the hospital to visit luke, only he's dead. 

nan cries. 

fiona explains to marie that the cancer is growing stronger as the new supreme's powers grow stronger. 

marie tells fiona that she sold her soul to papa legba (shadow man) who took her baby for eternal life.  she of course wants to take it back but can't. 

traditional new orleans funeral parade in procession that misty and madison are following.   

madison wants to show misty that she's just as powerfu…

she gets her to give up her shawl and misty considers it for a second and then 

she gives misty a 1-2 punch with a brick and she falls in the casket. 

misty needs to visit the wizard for some brains. 

nan and zoe go to visit luke's mom who has cremated her son. nan thinks she killed luke with a pillow so she makes her drink bleach. 

what a monumental waste of patti lupone.  seriously why kill her, bring her back only to kill her again?!

aunt myrtle is playing a theramin. i saw one on yo gabba gabba once and thought to myself…those things have no real place in this world. 

cordelia has an EPIC temper tantrum, throwing potted plants all over the place while myrtle continues cranking out tunes on her robot box.  best scene of the night. 

over at delphi, hank's dad zzzzzzzzzzzzzz…..oops.  fell asleep. 

meanwhile fiona is setting up lines on a hand mirror and conjuring papa smizurf. 

she tells him she wants to live bc she is the queen of the witches. he don give a wet donkey shittabout da titul.  she wants life everlasting.  no aging, no decrepitude.

she provides services on 1 night a year. for example: would you cripple your daughter?  UM NO!!!!  murder an innocent?  someone you love?  YEAH, NO!!!!!

but fiona's like…DONE! seal it!

but then papa is like…the deal is off.  because you have nothing to sell. you have no soul.  

she does some blow and says fuck it…i'll just kill everyone.

meanwhile nan hears something. 

and at this point i think as far as who the supreme is is anybody's game. 

nan finds the baby. 

so they drown her in the bath tub.   i am fed up with this show. 

snicks is playing some more piano for a weepy fiona.   this shit is cheesier than a goat's crusty udders.  

it's so cheesy it's the opposite of the 1933 wisconsin milk strike. 

this whole episode had me scratching my head.  the last thing i remember is fiona maybe wanting the coven to come together to defeat the witch hunters.  and that cordelia and fiona were mending things.  now she wants to kill everyone. myrtle was cordelia's favorite and now she's a theramin playing nut job.  also myrtle was more than likely hiding something.  delphine's head was delivered in a box and queenie got shot.  where is spalding?

ok, so i thought this was the season finale but obviously it's not.  there are 3 more episodes left i think?

my vote is this is officially the worst season yet. 

i feel like this show is given a different writer and director every week.  some weeks it's great and others it feels like a totally different show.  

thoughts?

i mean, it would seem misty is the supreme at this point but no real proof of that yet.  i suspect they are just throwing everyone off the scent and it's really, actually that twat zoe.  

and where the hell was KYLE?!

new in the shop

paradise

so free

us against the world

i made some bitty jellies as well for the budget conscious.

every once in a while i like to create small originals.

to me it's better than a print but the same size as a print so, totally affordable

you can't beat original art with a stick.

one of a kind is pretty damn awesome if you ask me. 

get em while they're hot

11 x 15

and for the rest of you...an AHS recap later today. 

tile floors

sometimes i get fixated on a detail and then i see it over and over and then i become obsessed with finding the perfect example all the while dreaming about how i have to have it in my life somehow. 

it seems to me that if you're going to have a tile floor somewhere it should look one of these...

i probably wouldn't stray outside the kitchen or bath with a tile floor but it's one of those things that if you happen upon someone else's idea to go whole hog mexican or moroccan tile in the dining room while house hunting you'd be like...yaaaaaaaay!!  keep KEEP!!

sadly, these tiles are a budget blower.  it might be cheaper to fly to morrocco and learn how to make them, then come home and build yourself a ceramics room and make them yourself.  

if any of you have any secret moroccan tile sources, do tell. 

here are a few of my favorites from the boner squeezing, tabarka studio and clé:

ruan

le marias

levantine

maghreb

touareg

touareg

touareg

nord

l'est

yeah. that last one is gold. imagine it. 

do you share my obsession?  do you HAVE these tiles in your home?  do your feet get cold?  

downton abbey- so many letters.

guys....recaps. where do i begin. they are hard. 

forget the writing and making things "funny". 

because no one hates a recap that's just a rehashing of the episode in someone else's words more than me. it's the technical difficulties that are giving me a pain in my b hole. 

please excuse the last half of the recap as reading like a cliff notes version of the episode. 

it's not only a bullshit excuse for a recap but it's giving away my stupid old process.  emphasis on old. 

the new and improved jandrews/mfamb recaps will be written entirely in text edit and copy pasted into this blog. 

so unless you want to see me kill the neighbor's chickens in a ritualistic offering to the god of patience DO NOT give me any advice on how to use common sense when writing a long ass blog post.  such as backing up your shit and not relying on squarespace to do anything right.

chickens will die!

ok...

on to the recap.. 

it's being said that this season is good because it's a copy/paste of the first season.

i might have to agree. 

let's compare:

season 1- lord grantham is worried about downton and who will run it since the sole heir died on the titanic.

season 4- lord grantham is worried about downton and who will run it since the sole heir died in a car accident.

season 1- mary is in mourning/a bitch

season 4- mary is in mourning x's a million/a bitch

season 1- lady sybil is rebellious and meets at dangerous places for political rallies. 

season 4- lady rose is rebellious and meets at dangerous dance halls for dancing with scrappy commoners.

season 1- thomas and o'brien plotted against pretty much everyone and everything.

season 4- thomas and edna are plotting against all the things. 

season 1 was so great because mary and matthew hadn't fallen in love just yet and there were suitors and a turkish dude who died of mary's poison vagina. 

yes, there are differences to be sure...a psycho nanny.

mrs. hughes has a new hairstyle. 

and if everything goes my way mr. carson will do it with mrs. hughes in the larder on top of mrs. patmore's clean apron. 

edith is  dare i say...fashionable?

if there was just something she could do about her face. 

without further adieu let's recap...

 in the deepest, darkest of hours some letters are propped up on a mantle somewhere. 

o'brien has left the building.

the outcome for this particular character exit couldn't have been more realistic.

it seems o'brien went to become ladies maid to mrs. flintshire up at duneagle castle. 

in my dreams they are both sporting  similar bangs and experimenting with each other sexually. 

 rose claims that maybe she heard o'brien talk about seeing the world.

lord grantham doesn't see how rose couldn't conclude that this meant o'brien would soon leave lady grantham for susan flintshire. 

rose has no room in her teenager brain for thoughts of others. 

what with all the dancing there is to be done. 

it's been 6 months since matthew's death and mary has turned into a convincing winona ryder circa beetlejuice. 

even her hair is sad. 

like a sad helmet. 

nanny west is here and looking like a weird, bald drag queen without his "face" on. 

later,  thomas runs into nanny west who tells him not to touch the children. 

because RAPE!

 meanwhile lord grantham and tom have become friends who don't agree on much. 

tom thinks mary should have a say in the running of downton and lord grantham thinks mary is a woman with a woman's brain who should cry some more and try to feed herself with her weak bird arms. 

for the rest of the episode moseley is just a poor bastard with a debt that needs to be paid and no way of paying it. 

"when your only child dies, then you aren't a mother anymore".

me = dead. 

aw...cousin isobel just needs a charity!

mrs. hughes gives it to her by way of a letter she spies in carson's trash. 

a stern and peaked mary emerges to tell edith to go fuck herself with that valentine she's reading. 

speaking of valentines...

the girls downstairs are high on their own valentines's card fumes. 

lookout mrs. patmore you're about to be replaced by an egg beater. 

tom tries to peak mary's interest in the estate..

lord grantham is like.."NO! SHE'S JUST A POOR BIRD WITH STICKS FOR ARMS AND SAD EYES!!!"

 tom takes it to lady mary's real father. 

(you know you've thought it more than once. HOPED for it even.)

 meanwhile thomas takes a lie/not lie to lady cora regarding nanny and her shenannygans. 

 mary lays into carson for caring too much. 

 granny comes in to tell mary that she needs to choose life.  and that she loves her. and to cheer up

because her tears are like swimming pools and orphans LOVE swimming pools. 

just kidding about that last part. 

 lady cora and rose are interviewing edna for the lady's maid position. 

having no real memory of her working at downton.  ever.  even thought she was the one who totally tried to jump on branson's ding dong RIGHT after sybil died. 

really lady cora? 

 THIS guy. 

more of this guy please. 

how have we not seen the dowager's butler before?

he's amazing. 

 mr. grigg shows up at cousin isobel's to get better before shipping off to ireland to manage an opera house. 

 edith is working every inch of those peacock feather applique's. 

 they are infusing her with much needed confidence. 

 AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

 mary apologizes to carson for being such a dick and like a true dad he embraces her tells her he loves her anyway. 

and that he thinks she's strong enough for the job as ruler of the universe. 

 it's springtime in downton because FLOWERS!

spring signifies newness and growth. 

and ladies throwing on their best purple frock and walking into a room full of jerk-ass jerks and saying move over i'm about to out pants-poop you in this here pants pooping contest called LIFE!

also...who loves tom this season?

raise your hand. 

my hand is so fucking raised it's through the ceiling and grabbing the clouds!!!!!!!

in the second half of the show a box arrives for lady mary which is probably filled with letters. 

lord grantham opens it because he's in charge of EVERYTHING. 

inside is the little stuffed dog mary gave matthew (sniff sniff)

and a LETTER!!!!!!

lord grantham takes the letter to lady violet and we discover that matthew intended for mary to be the heiress if anything should ever happen to him. 

GOD! stop being so vulgar and self important mr. molesley!!

downstairs lord grantham reads the saddest letter ever and then shits all over matthew's intentions as nothing but that. intentions. nothing legal OR binding. 

we GET it lord grantham. 

ladies are the worst!

at dinner lord grantham continues his masked discomfort with the idea of mary as partner in decision making by giving her a smackdown on her lack of LIVESTOCK FEED KNOWLEDGE! 

meanwhile bates decided to get a card signed by the whole village because BORED!!

cousin isobel gets mr. grigg a job at a belfast opera house. 

rose asks anna if she'll chaperone her to a dance.

braithwaite tells/doesn't tell cora that she ruined an ass ugly scarf.

bates asks lady violet for money. 

 because 

thomas comes up with some non story about anna sabotaging lady cora's ugly ass scarf. 

then later anna spills some perfume in lady mary's room and segue's that into taking rose to york. 

it's weird and feels forced. 

and i'm 75% sure that anna is a dildo with googly eyes. 

i need water. 

bates takes "the card for gwen" to mr. molesley to sign. 

we know he's up to something, but what?

surely none of you figured this sideways shit out. 

granny asks tom and mary over and gives them some ideas regarding the estate. 

edith's boyfriend is convinced he can divorce his wife sooner if he moves to germany.

this sounds like an AWESOME plan.

 SO many good things happen in germany during the 1920's. 

tom and mary go on a drive around the estate and mary learns farm things. 

rose and anna go dancing in york and a fight breaks out.

we finally get to the bottom of the card/letter for gwen that bates wanted everyone to sign. 

it was so bates could forge molesley's signature and produce a fake IOU seemingly from molesley to bates in the sum of 30 pounds. 

later anna asks bates how he managed it..

bates replies "prison was an education".

macgyver, please!  i'd have put the damn money in his pocket when he wasn't looking. 

meanwhile mrs. hughes is still trying to convince carson to go and visit mr. grigg. 

kiss her already carson!!

sam somebody pays rose a visit and she comes out looking like a maid.

lord grantham calls a family meeting before dinner to announce that matthew's letter was testamentical intesticle..

basically it means mary owns half the estate and matthew's testicles. 

and no, that's not edna giving thomas a beejer behind the chair. 

it's just a couple of mean girls being mean. 

mr. carson puts aside his anger and goes to see mr. grog. 

i realize there was a lot of ivy/daisy/jimmy/alfred that i left out but honestly?

ugh! i just can't.

this was a LOOOOONG show to recap with about fourhundredKAbillion characters already.

somehow this 4 way storyline seems endless and un-recappable. 

but suffice it to say..

i think alfred and jimmy are both sweet on ivy. 

i think alfred likes to THINK that jimmy doesn't really like ivy but i think in fact he does. 

and i think alfred will end up liking daisy before it's all over. 

i will also say that i will always be, team daisy. 

no matter what. 

the end. 

i gotta say i am recap rusty.

next week i will do it the smart person's way.

i also have an american horror story recap coming this weekend. 

season finale this wednesday. 

but i digress...

WHAT DID YOU THINK OF DOWNTON?

did you love it?

i did. 

i was so happy to be just be in their world again.

the blip bloo blee piano music when something frivolous is happening gets me every. time. 

sound off in the comments! 

i want to hear thoughts and predictions and what did i miss?

a snow day with no snow

if you live in or around atlanta you understand that the possible arrival of snow (emphasis on "possible") means no school.

i grew up in the midwest where winter snow is commonplace and school closings almost NEVER happened.

so, suffice to say, school is closed here which means a downton recap is pretty much impossible today.

so instead i have some shitty iphone images of fiona's slumber party and some other stuff.

if you follow along on instagram you will have seen the new addition to the family.

a perfectly restored mid century credenza that houses all of our cords and dvds and such. 

you might remember what we were dealing with before..

not ideal.

or attractive. 

so much better. 

the slumber party was a success. 

they all pretty much love the same things:

my little pony

harry potter

nail polish

and playing veterinarian. 

the birthday cakes were a hit. 

seriously that cream filling was stupid. 

i suggest you make them for your next birthday party. 

you could easily adapt it for a layer cake.

pimento cheese. 

the people who ate it said it was good.

the deviled eggs were really good. 

i made these. 

the grown-ups played telestrations. 

which is fun. 

once you start drawing weiners and balls. 

downton recap soon. 

blame stupid atlanta snow rules.