i could have rubbed blood and dead cats all over that place and it would have looked better.
HOWEVER...
was anyone else side-eyeing the "$40,000 budget" talk?
i thought for the clients (2 young surfer chick sisters) the house they designed was brilliant.
here is what i am thinking...
the smeg costs what, about 3 grand? right?
the pink stove was prolly what...5 grand?
the new kitchen cabinets were at LEAST 10 grand, on the low end?
the shades for ALL 11 windows downstairs plus some upstairs..were probably 2 grand? 1 maybe?
plus there were the floors (refinished), the stairs (rebuilt), all of the furniture, the 3,000 dollar piece of (heinous) art, the graffiti artist who came to do an art installation (though he prolly did it for free so he could have some free advertising), the wallpaper (anyone know what that was?)..etc..
all in all i am guessing this makeover cost them more like 100,000.
thoughts?
p.s. the top picture is totally not the before of this house but it was super gross like that sort of.
everyone else is frolicking on beaches and enjoying cool drinks in moderately hot climes (that word is dumb- never ever use it) by the pool.
i am stuck inside bc the air outside is like poison fire in my lungs and i have been warned by news persons
that should i go outside i might die.
for real.
summer is a dick.
but i had to spend a good portion of the day in the car with broken windows.
so i had to inhale heat fire mixed with car pollution.
volatile.
i think i am dead.
this post is late for all of those reasons and more.
once again this show focused on the boring shit and not enough on the interesting shit..
like mary and nathan eating BBQ...
or k ire getting drunk and passing out by the pool.
and what we didn't see...
which was kathryn eating a pool boy, godzilla style, with her mouth. (and vagina)
on to the recap.
get ready to be bored mostly..
first up glowy and kathryn discuss shopping for lights and stuff..
this scene managed to make me want mcdonalds .
nathan makes a frankenstein couch..
and he can't have no frankenstein couch at high point.
r u asleep yet?
meanwhile mary works in a CIA bunker..
she and larry are trying to give her neew lamps some dumb names..
they are trying to find the french word for spider.
cuz her lamp looks like a spider.
duh.
what's french for botox?
la chirurgieplastique
aka scarelarious.
meanwhile martyn is decorating a palm springs hotel room..
nathan and mary go to highpoint and stay in a gross hotel together..
hotels are gross in general btw.
even the nice ones.
wait...this one was nice wasn't it?
or was it?
i don't know..i usually stay at the hampton inn.
(p.s. they didn't stay here)
back in california we have to endure JAM and ross shopping for eleventy billion dollar coffee tables and suzanne tucker and mexican eye dances and thumb wars and purple crayon shavings and tiny jesus farts..
wait..
what?
oh..sorry...i must have fallen asleep.
i was having the WEEEIRDEST dreams.
let's just say that this sums these 2 up for me perfectly...
who's got a scythe?
so then suzanne tucker lets these knuckleheads have a janice dickinson table with feet.
no..really.
look:
it's a janice dickinson table.
but it's too small for a coffee table.
fiona prolly coulda told em that..
back at high point..
NEWELL NEWELL NEWELL NEWELL!!!!
newell let me take this opportunity to publicly tell you that this month's house beautiful was on fire!
i have opened it on the pooper above all the other 78 shelter mags present in my poopmaking room every single time since it's arrival in my house last week.
anyway..
newell gives the thumbs up to nathan's suzani ottoman.
and then there is a bloomingdales circle jerk..
over this couch:
which was totally not the best couch.
back in palm springs..
martyn brings kathryn along to..ummm...i don't know...attract bees?
but kathryn's all..
pool fuckers!
with a side of food and liquor.
6 hours later martyn is still installing world market shit all over the place..
as an aside..
martyn and i have been busy at work on his new fragrance..
it's called:
delicious
the scent is: beard clippings, tin, pomegranate seeds, clown tears, old suzanis, chocolate, and jizz.
soon after... mary and nathan are eating bbq being served up by your mom..
no shit it's good, mary.
once martyn finishes up his suite he comes out to check on kathryn.
i don't give a shit if you had a stick, a hammer, some crayons, 1 rusty battery, paint mixed with dirt and left boob sweat and 12 minutes to design a room with them…i meant what i said when i said the gloves were coming off this time..
i have been recapping this show since the season of the bromstad and this year…
honey badger don't give a shit.
i will make fun of you if you're ugly or you wear girl scarves but you have a penis.
they only way i will say anything nice about you is if you deliver me something that doesn't include some wallpaper in a frame, a mural, moss balls, random balls in a bowl, shit in groups of 3, an accent wall or a word (or words) painted, stenciled, carved, drawn or left by vaginal snail trail onto the wall..so far…
FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL!!!!!!
this is the competition that beat out yours truly.
the whole time i visualized myself walking around as a more useful mentor a la gordon ramsay..
saying things like, "that looks like a donkey's dick"
and
jenny: "what's that?"
turd 1: "an orange accent wall."
jenny: "it's dumb and it's making my eyes bleed. do you want to go home?"
turd 1: "no."
jenny: "then fucking paint all the walls the same color. use orange in the fabric or in accessories."
turd 2: "ok."
jenny: "now MOVE YER ASS!!!!!"
ok onto the recap.
the turds show up on a dumb rooftop..
tanika comes out and tells them they are the chosen turds.
the bromstad comes out and tells them they have to be more like him if they wanna win...
which is to say be more like a ventriliquist's doll come to life:
everyone sucks but cathy cuz she's an eleventy time emmy champion for talking on the tv..or something.
but she is scary and her teeth are gonna eat me..
then err'body picks a partner and they each get a room to decorate..
here they are:
vomit.
don't tell me what to do.
double vomit.
my heart bleeds drops of hate and screams.
gay.
around here we call that "awesome tire table", a ghetto coffin.
the room is chunky puke chunks.
hahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!
nice shelf.
this took 2 people (+ a handy man and painter) 3 days?
murder.
the poopy losing room with it's poopy wall dumbness.
imagine that...wallpaper in a frame.
LET ME SAY THIS TO ALL FUTURE DESIGN TURDS AND ANYONE CONTEMPLATING FRAMING WALLPAPER-
IT'S DUMB.
THE ONLY REASON TO EVER FRAME WALLPAPER IS IF THE WALLPAPER IS AN OLD REMNANT YOU ARE WANTING TO PRESERVE OR IF THE WALLPAPER ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE ART..LIKE DE GOURNAY OR SIMILAR.
PERIOD.
AND I MEAN MY PERIOD ALL OVER YOUR HEAD.
JUST WALLPAPER THE WHOLE FUCKNG WALL!!!!!
GODDAMMIT!!!!!!!!
(cry cry cry)
and for the record..
i don't understand the appeal of all that cold, boring, lifeless, personality-less contemporary design.
where are the antiques?
where is the pattern? the texture?
the layering?
the lived in look?
and they had 3 days!!!
THREE DAYS!
can someone please explain the appeal of this "style" to me?
and why do people still buy into that rule of 3?
do they really teach that shit to you in design school?
fire all of those people.
anyway..
dumb blanche went home.
but honestly any one of them could have gone and i wouldn't have been surprised.
(beach house before)
