of the 3 of these faux fur throws from west elm...
this one is the least softest..
but it's the same price.
it shouldn't be.
it feels like butt hairs.
this one is the softest..
feels like expensive teddy bears.
yes.
my lampshade is too small.
no.
there is no art over the sofa.
it's usually where i photograph my paintings.
i am going to put an overscale photo there
of the 3 of us olan mills style.
believe it.
hey pretty girls and pig whisperers!
time for another AHS recap!
this episode managed to delight and creep.
equally.
right off the bat burny and constance are seated around a fire only he's not burny yet, he's just larry and he is a pussy.
constance is upset bc the authorities want to charge her with child neglect or something.
larry's like...no my darling i will do anything for you.
and constance is like, well then, umm...do it!!
larry walks upstairs into the attic and there we see the "child" constance is refering to..
and it's none other than 'rocky' from mask.
only now he goes by 'beau' and he's chained up in the attic.
he seems super nice.
but sadly his ball playing skills and winning smile can't save him from larry's suffocating murder pillow.
what an asshole.
meanwhile..
viv and ben are at the doctor where they find out they are having twins.
yay!!
i think one will be chocolate flavored.
and the other one will be made out of rubber.
either that or they will just be the olsen twins.
later viv and the real estate lady are showing the house to some "greasy" armenian/persian.
he wants to buy it bc moira is making googly eyes at him.
and as we all know men only see moira as a super hot redheaded slut maid.
he is picking up what she's putting down, bigtime.
next in walks burny all pissed off and eating up all the 'open house' food and chardonnay.
he pretends to be interested in buying the house.
soon after viv's upstairs with some candles and mood music.
and you know what that means!!!
time to clean!
just kidding.
time to beat the beaver.
polish the pearl.
check for squirrels.
juice the clam.
she fantasizes about chocolate sundae. (duh)
and her husband. (meh)
and rubber suit. (maybe)
each of them pounding her into ecstacy.
but now it appears rubber suit guy might have a knifedick and clearly this hurts.
game over.
cut to tate and vi and gross teenager shit.
then it's dinner time.
ben, viv and vi are having a tense family dinner discussing life.
viv tells ben that a persian/armenian is interested in buying the house as was "some burn faced guy"..
next day persian/armenian is back bc he "can't get the house out of his mind".
"house" being moira.
she says come with me so i can show your penis the inside of my mouth.
which is slut-maid talk for "show you the rest of the house".
he, of course, does.
and she proceeds to give him the beej of his life.
then we see old moira emerging from the bedroom wiping some jizz off her chin.
persmenian bumps into ben in the hall and says he plans to tear the house down and build condos or some shit.
ben gives no fucks about this news.
he heads over to burny's to tell him to stop being so weird and stuff.
and that he's done a little research and apparently burny never burned up his whole family.
they burned themselves up bc they were sad that their dad was such a douche.
cut to dinner at burny's with his sad wife where he proceeds to crush her heart with the "i love constance" bit.
"she's as exciting as a house on fire", he says.
just kidding.
he doesn't say that.
he should have though.
then it would have been more awesome when he walked in on his wife and children on fire.
cut back to ben
throwing his cigarette onto burny's floor.
like a badass..
he said, "game over".
next up we seen viv and the real estate lady on the murder house tour.
the only purpose for this bit is so the tour guide can finally get to the story of charles and nora and the frankenbabie in a big ol flashback scene.
charles comes in to tell nora that she shouldn't be so sad anymore..
their beloved thaddeus (worst name for a baby ever)
is very much alive and upstairs in the crib.
you can see the moment of delusion and hope land on nora's face.
she slowly walks upstairs into thad's room and pulls back the sheet covering what is surely a horrific looking pig baby..
only there is nothing there.
nora turns around to see thaddeus on the floor with a look of shock on her face but also a look of..hmm..
well....maybe this could work.
a few moments later she comes downstairs to tell charles what a genius he is.
and that little thad didn't take to nursing too well.
instead he ate her finger off.
she hugs charles into her bloody chest and then blows his brains out,
and then blows a hole through the back of her own head.
only guess what..
little thaddeus is still alive up there gnawing on a finger.
later,
constance finds out that the persian wants to tear down the house.
constance isn't happy about this bc that means all of her dead relatives and friends could be gone forever.
so she pays a visit to the armenian and he essentially tells her to fuck off.
telling constance to fuck off is like telling a murderer to stop murdering.
what happens next is not very awesome to watch if you're a guy.
constance tells moira that if the house falls to the ground so might she so the two of them hatch a plan
and bump fists.
not really.
the plan is this..
moira gives the persmenian a beej with teeth.
not grazing teeth.
eat-it-right-the-hell-off teeth.
so she does and then burny steps in to throw a bag over his head and suffocates his ass.
he is the best suffocater.
and just like that, crisis averted.
if he weren't dead he would be saying..
"and i would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you meddling ghosts"
we end the night with viv and vi in the teen lair of doom
where the two of them are looking at old pictures that tate found in the attic.
viv recognizes nora as the crazy woman who came into the house a few weeks back.
cue creepy music.
the end.
let's hear it...
i wanna have a party just so i can set up a bar.
bitch please.
dark n stormy.
yep.
and finally..
i am tempted to buy this..
it's pink velvet.
it's vintage (60's-70's?)
has not been used much, and covered most of it's years..
it's 200 OBO.
oh...and it's 2 pieces.
try to imagine it outside of it's american horror story environment and into my environment
of silvery white walls and warm wood floors.
make with the comments..
***it. is. sold.
fart.
all A's.
new lantern.
inside top painted gold.
taking pictures in the morning is dumb.
"violet" 24 x 30
virus diet tips:
1. contract a virus.
2. take 2 bites of everything.
3. stop working out for 2 weeks.
4. lay down a lot.
skinnies!
let's recap..
1. kim is moving in with tom sizemore
2. kyle cries
bc the meth is burning her eyes..
3. taylor nominates herself for a "women in business" award..
and loses yaaaay!!!!
4. lisa's not invited..
5. kyle's house went from the back room at cost plus world market to the back room at rachel ashwell.
either that or she raided lisa's basement...
6. lisa has a princess tea party for tv purposes just for fun!!
taylor speaks her mind..
all over the place..
she calls it "speaking the truth"
i call it "straight trippin"
also today is fiona's school thanksgiving feast.
we are bringing chik-fil-a.
it's monday!
a new week ya'll!
a week of possibilities and a chance encounter of a 3 way with the dudes from immortals.
not really. but maybe really. anything's possible with a positive attitude!
our family is on the road to wellness so i am in a particularly good mood today.
also though i don't encourage the stomach virus diet it is a great way to lose a quick 5-10 lbs.
in my case it was 8.
there is none of that pesky hunger and cravings bullshit...just straight up nausea for 2 solid weeks.
so if anyone wants me to suck on a lollipop and send it to you in the mail just say the word!
it's all the rage right now.
now..
onto why you are here.
american horror story recaps!
things i learned:
cam hates pigs.
pregnant women should eat brains.
and i can totally get a psychic off of craigslist.
and
there is no way in hell you would find me inside of anyone's bathroom let alone the MURDER house bathroom (sidenote- i don't believe for one second that a guy who knows every single urban legend horror story wouldn't be abreast of the fact that his sexy therapist held his practice inside murder house usa. not one second)
anyway...no way in hell i would play "here piggy pig pig" with the lights out in that GD bathroom.
or any bathroom. unless i was 12.
and that's only bc at 12 your head is usually pretty far up your own ass and therefore blinded by such pig person murderer realities.
also if jessica lange doesn't win an emmy i will Occupy the Red Carpet.
ok so..let's recap..
a very uneasy episode this week, eh?
the whole columbine parallel was a little too much, even for me.
on the one hand i thought,
some disturbed, emotionally immature teenager is gonna be like...yeah..kill my school!!
i was torn..
bc on the other hand that made for some real fucking scary shit.
too scary maybe.
the pee on the floor bit was just not ok.
but for our purpose of wanting this show to be as scary as possible...
this week disturbed the ever loving diarrhea out of me.
so WIN!
during the whole shootout scene i was like...that tate asshole!!!!!!
but then when he was sad and apparently in denial about what he had done i was like..
awww... poor little tater tot.
talk about mind games, ryan murphy you slut!
speaking of teen sluts..
finally violet uses her smarts and utilizes panic google to find out that zombie glee kids weren't actually in halloween costumes picking on her boyfriend.
nope..they were ghosts!
and so is her boyfriend.
surprise..
you did it with a ghost.
lucky you.
all demi got was some soft core pottery sessions.
once violet realizes her life is over she walks downstairs calling for her mommy only to find jessica at the table smoking cigarettes.
jessica lange at this point could give 3000 fucks about violet's problems.
she just needs tate to stay put at murder house.
she tells violet to come over to her house bc she has something to show her.
and that something is a sexy craigslist psychic medium.
as if.
both jessica and puffy lips medium (new rap name!) are all..
listen, you need to understand you have been chosen.
the ghosts have chose your ass, be one with it and all will be well.
at this point there is some old lady grandma ghost memory and violet freaks out and leaves.
up next vivian is rubbing her demon hooved baby belly in a dream.
when she wakes up she's scared and presses the rent-a-cop button (where can i get one of these please? while were at it a rent-a-doctor would save me A LOT of panic google time)
and then poof!
there is hot chocolate all up in her face with the eyes and the smile and the skin and the uniform and the muscles.
she is ready to maybe make out with him when her deadbeat husband walks in and cock blocks everything.
she is visibly disappointed.
but she then proceeds to tell him that she is disgusted by his face and that after his last session of the day he better leave so she can have alone time with her sexy thoughts, basically.
after this we see derek aka cam from modern family talking about how he's scared of every urban legend out there..
like pigs who murder you when you call them in a mirror.
i had never heard of this one before.
eric stonestreet was amazing.
he officially creeped me and endeared me.
ben tells derek he needs to go home and practice saying it the mirror and the only way he will grow and get over his fear is if he can get through it.
without getting slaughtered obvs.
bc if he got slaughtered by a pig man, well then..not such a life milestone.
back in the kitchen..
viv recieves a big ol package of raw organs from constance.
she tells cock-eyed moira to cook it all up with some buttersauce.
bc pregnant ladies need to eat shit like that.
and much to viv's surprise it is super delicious!
meanwhile..
violet being the ignorant asshole teenager that she is decides the best way to handle her ghost situation is to cut her arm up with a razor blade and take some pills.
tate to the rescue again!
he gagged that bitch and gave her a nice hot shower.
some shit happens.
more shit happens..
ghost in the shower..
violet goes to the school and asks about tate..
moira gets sort of fired..
viv eats a brain..
WAAAIT!!!
fuckmeinmyfacesheeatsafreshjuicybloodsoakedbrain!
like mainlines it!
so
so
so
grawesome!
(gross + awesome)
then viv goes to see the baby tech that passed out at the contents of her uterus.
in a church bc it was her safeplace.
where she tries rather pathetically to convince viv that her baby has hooves and a tail.
i mean come on...who's gonna believe a crazy fucker like that.
if i were the tech here's what would have gone down..
me the tech: ok, let's have a look here inside your belly (smiles warmly)
viv: ok this is so exciting.
me the tech: (talking to self) let..me..just..get a little of this..cold..goop..on..THERE...ok..
HOLYFUCKINGMOTHEROFASS!!
do you see this shit?
what the hell?
(turns monitor around to show viv)
viv: HOLYFUCKINGMOTHEROFASS!!!
WHAT IS THAT!?!?!?
and scene.
so anyway..
the tech is obviously a lunatic so anything that she says is not credible in viv's mind.
obviously my way just doesn't create good tv tension.
ok.
so we still aren't sure what's going on in there.
over in cam's bathroom we see him about to overcome his fear of being murdered by a pig headed monster..
unfortunately for him there is a robber in his tub shower who clearly doesn't like to be called a pig.
and then kablammo..
bullet into cam's forehead.
and in the emmy winning moment of the night..
constance and her CL medium communicating with addie.
constance tells her dead daughter how pretty she was and stuff and it was sad.
more stuff happens..
tate get's blown to bits by a swat team..
tate and violet spoon and it's over.
the end.
any revelations this week?
here's something..
the frankenbaby that the doctor was sewing together had hooves..
right?
so what if that baby is the baby inside of viv?
it's a total ghost baby frankenpig!
first disappointment of the day..
the lonny nov/dec issue.
this was all the holiday i got??
sorry guys...this issue made me cry.
i was soooo looking forward to it too.
it was frightfully bland, no?
and the second disappointment of the day...
no american horror story recap.
and here's why...
first of all...
sometimes i get flack from readers who don't like me to talk about butt pee and throw up chunks.
i understand. it's gross. but it's real life too sometimes.
so if you are one of those people you might want to walk away from your computer right now.
though you should know that this is serious and maybe you could help our family.
but if you are gaggy by nature then fine...go...just know that i hate you.
for the rest of you listen up and get your helping words ready..
since fiona came down with a stomach bug 14 days ago (yes i'm counting..how else in the wee hours of the morning can i google learn all of the diseases and facts?) everyone in our house has had some form of this illness.
remember the other day when i asked about grape juice and butt water?
i read in my "research" (aka panic googling) that grape juice will kill a stomach virus before it starts.
so, apparently, will black tea and honey, apple cider vinegar, baking soda and hydrogen peroxide (not together unless you want a science project to happen inside of you), heavy doses of vitamin C...etc..
and yes..
i tried some of those things.
i seemed to have escaped (so far) any real debilitating sickness.
more "research" tells me that the stomach bug usually has an incubation period of 24 to 48 hours.
while others said they have caught it as late as 9 days after exposure.
so obviously the countdown was on like D Kong.
(please tell me i am not the only asshole who panic googles and then turns into a lunatic)
then yesterday, mike was hit with severe intestinal cramping and diarrhea.
i mean severe.
like stick a hose in you, point it toward your anus and then turn it on full blast with the power washer apparatus.
he has had it for 24 hours non stop.
my symptoms have been weirder.
i have had this strange ulcer type of feeling..
i say ulcer bc of more obvious "research".
it's essentially a constant gnawing type of pain that feels like hunger only i have had almost no appetite and when i set out to eat something i take one bite and am all...this is gross, blech.
the good news is i have probably lost 6 lbs just bc i am not eating very much.
but honestly, i would rather be fat and happy than skinny and miserable.
maybe.
i don't want to go to a doctor yet bc i don't have insurance.
so i turn to you...my internet reader doctors.
what is going on?
ask me anything.
ask me the color of our poop.
it's all different.
i don't particularly LIKE to talk about this sort of thing..i would rather talk about how awesome lonny was but it wasn't.
how could mike get this virus 13 days after he was first exposed?
do i have an ulcer?
is it just a long lasting virus?
what do you know of that will help me?
why is the internet the true real devil?
why did lonny suck so bad?
let's get it going..
don't be mean.
be nice and helpful.
or i will continue to talk about poop forever.
