you know how on pinterest you come across recipes that promise to be the best EVER?!?
well, i came across a recipe for gluten free chocolate chip cookies and pinned it to my ever growing list of gluten free foods promising to be the missing link in the everlong search for all things gluten free and delicious.
and to top it all off they didn't look very appetizing..
kind of like vomit muffins.
or cat food discs.
but guess what?
they are delicious.
and take about 5 minutes to make.
minus the 10 minute set time (SUPER important)
and the 11 minute bake time.
i have made these not once, not twice..but three times.
if you're like me, and you certainly are, you went to bed at 10:00 bc what the shit was that last night?
here's my 4 cents (2 is not enough to cover my thoughts)..
1. peter brady looks good for his age.
2. in theory he makes a good host but in reality he confused the shit out of everyone.
seth mcfartland is a great voice and comedic writer but lacks the delivery chops.
you gotta land that shit with confindence.
ricky gervais excels where seth fails.
i LIKE when hosts make fun of celebrities. they need to be made fun of. they are WAY too high on themselves and they are swimming around in WAY WAY too much money.
besides a joke is a joke is a joke.
in other words IT'S A JOKE LIGHTEN THE FUCK UP.
but if you can't tell it well then you look like an asshole who hates women or irish people instead of a comedian telling a joke.
that said there is always the uptight idiot who takes shit personally and i have no advice for you because you are beyond logical thinking.
3. and that said..perhaps we need to just keep the oscars classy and good natured.
no crass jokes, no potty humor (gasp), no make out sessions with sally field...you know...old school.
i recall hugh jackman's oscar host post fondly.
i'm pretty sure he didn't make a racist joke.
and he is super easy to look at.
plus you will always win me over with dancing and singing.
which is why the boob song, while utterly retarded, was my favorite seth bit.
i thought it was pretty genius.
4. channing tatum looks like a sexy thumb.
5. more channing tatum doing things please, can channing tatum host?
6. the musical numbers, while random, were my favorite parts of the night.
i don't care how off-key russell crowe was.
make fun of him and i'll cut you!
(russell: CALL ME L8TER)
overall the show was just...weird.
i think whatever happens next year they need to find the right person and stick with them.
part of the reason billy crystal was so awesome was he had the chance to up his game and top himself every year. and he always did.
we need a new billy crystal.
not a duo, not a trash talker, not a random face (seth) with great writing skills.
anyway...
onto what's really important.
the fashity fashion.
let's start with the best..
you could pick it apart for sure bc it is totally dynasty ring master..
but it's a departure for her (hello one shoulder) and she looks FUCKING STUN-NING!
completely perfect.
she just looked lovely.
the dress had enough edge with it's crinkly quilty-ness to keep it out of princess town.
she's never looked better.
head to toe winning.
she looks amazing.
i LOVE her dress.
so age appropriate and so sexy!
stop. it.
the cut and fit of this on her is genius.
onto the bad...
too much dress for her.
she looks like she's trying too hard and she looks uncomfortable.
i feel like i've seen this dress a zillion times.
she looked better at the vanity fair party.
what the shit is this old lady dress doing on this tiny little bumble bee of a girl?
that hair too.
this dress makes her look enormous.
what is it, jersey?
flannel?
she may as well have worn pajamas.
but the hair sucks the most.
seriously?
THIS is your oscar dress for your first ever oscar win??
it's an apron in a most unappealing color.
plus is she even aware she has boobs?
doesn't she wear this every year?
same hair, same necklace, same dress?
seriously...doesn't she?
she's so fucking boring.
yeah yeah..whatver.
if you're going to go to all the effort of wearing a fancy dress, putting on some make up and making a bird's nest out of your hair you could at least allow a stylist to do that for you.
helena bonham carter is a stunningly beautiful english rose flower woman..
and she always looks like tim burton's corpse bride.
i'd like to see her look like an elegant, sexy, corpse bride.
speaking of corpse bride..
i LOVE this dress but she looks like shit.
and it doesn't fit her well.
on the fence...
i don't know...
at first i thought it was dreadful and then i kind of liked it.
there's something regal about her in it.
it's a beautiful color and a beautiful color on her.
and her hair is glorious..
but she looks like a saloon girl.
too severe with the severe hair?
i'm not sure.
she's perfectly gorgeous but...something's not right here.
it did make me rethink the whole short hair thing.
i'm so confused.
this dress is so boring to me and beautiful at the same time.
and kerry washington is so black and so white at the same time.
i love everything about this dress but the bottom.
best dressed for me?
it was a toss up between jessica chastain and naomi watts...
but i'm gonna go with...
naomi in armani prive.
worst dressed was easy...
melissa mccarthy in some flannel sheets.
honorable mention goes to..
brandi glanville and her booby smasher dress.
what the fuck is she doing there anyway?
5 bucks says she went home with seth macfartland and rode his ding dong all night long.
discuss.
not sure what happened to the spacing toward the end there, but i tried to fix it at least 40 times.
many of you are like, this show is dead to me now.
and i get it.
you are on team matthew.
i hated matthew.
with all of my soul.
oh well.
shit happens.
and with that...here's your final recap of the season..
:(
it's that time of year again..DONEGAL TIME!
in all the 3 years i've known the granthams i haven't heard them ONCE speak about the most magical place on earth...donegal. (insert an eagle screeching soundbyte)
somewhere in the scottish glens, that is also probably home to hogwarts, is magical donegal castle and house of shrimpy:
aka daryl hammond as sean connery on jeopardy aka the saddest fucker on earth.
he and his pisspoor wife are fighting all the time and their daughter is rebelling.
or just being a teenager.
same thing.
mary's pregnant and has maybe gained .0004 lbs.
her nearly 9 month bump looks like day 2 period bloat.
no one wants her to travel bc they don't want her to die.
fair.
a bit later it's all aboard the hogwarts express..
tom stays behind bc he's tom.
but cousin isobel will keep an eye on him and try not to eat him with her gigantic teeth.
carson has big plans for the downton staff, while the granthams are away...
the boys will polish all the silver and the maids will clean all the rooms.
speaking of maids, there's a new maid in town..
it's michelle pfeiffer.
aka edna.
aka michelle pfeiffer, seriously.
for the rest of the episode edna does her best to seduce tom,
while not giving a fuck who sees.
and then she gets fired.
rules is rules edna.
dr. clarkson has taken an interest in cousin isobel.
which makes total sense and is not random at all.
everyone arrives at donegal (scrreeech)which is just bizarro downton.
as in every character at donegal is a bizarre version of their downton counterpart...
PLUS THERE'S BAGPIPES!!!
and mirrors made out of GUNS!
and guns made out of SWORDS!!!
meanwhile back at downton mrs. patmore has a boyfriend who looks like mrs. patmore..
back at donegal (screeeech) the men go pretend hunting andHOLY FUCK LOOK AT THIS PLACE!!!
anyway..
while the men pretend hunt, lord grantham talks about how awesome it must be to live in such a magical place.
shrimpys like...ehh...i guess.
cousin violet and mrs. shrimpy are out walking the ground andSWEETMOTHEROFCHRIST LOOK AT THIS PLACE!!
mrs. shrimpy complains about everything.
the 2 o'briens are sewing some hats and comparing the severity of their hairstyles..
o'brien 2: mine looks like poopoo and dead animals.
o'brien 1: well, mine looks like hatred and doodoo coils.
edith tries to convince everyone that michael brought his "pencils and rods" to sketch and fish not to try and "poke" edith with his "pencils and rods".
also edith is killing it in head scarves..
while the grantham/crawleys are enjoying themselves at donegal (screeeeech) and preparing for the upcoming gilles/gilly's/gillies ball..
the downton staff are preparing for a fair in thirsk.
same thing.
bates and anna go on one of their hourly levitra walks and see rose smoking and crying.
bates gives her some altoids.
mrs. hughes tries to convince mr. carson to go to the fair.
he claims it would make all the other staff feel uncomfortable and they wouldn't have any fun.
but we all know the real reason he wants to stay behind...
so he can hold and cuddle that tiny baby sybil.
anna and bates are having a picnic and bates is playing keep away with the picnic basket. it's the worst.
facepunch.
matthew takes michael out hunting andOHLORDJESUSLOOK AT THIS FUCKING PLACE!
elsewhere mrs. shrimpy wants o'brien 1 to teach o'brien 2 how to do her hair like cora's.
if you ask me o'brien 1 is the last person you should be wanting hair advice from.
but in all fairness, o'brien 2's hair is infinitley worse.
it's like if you dipped two pieces of white bread in poop and lube and then added some bugs and smashed it together and placed it on top of a head and called it hair.
at least o'brien 1's hair is clean.
tom wants to eat with the staff.
edna wants to eat tom's staff.
dr. clarkson asks isobel to be his date to the fair.
she agrees saying, "that sounds like fun."
translation: i like fairs, that would be fun.
rose teaches anna how to reel.
better not tell mary.
she might reach into her vagina and pull the baby out just so she can show anna how it's really done.
at the fair..
the downton boys are playing tug-o-war with some surly looking thirsk boys.
mrs. hughes sees mrs. patmore's boyfriend flirting with some girls. but really it isn't so much flirting as it is molesting.
meanwhile matthew is still enjoying the scenery, this time fishing, when he basically tells michael to leave edith alone. no good can come of a married man with a crazy wife courting his sister in law.
which is the total truth.
i mean why can't edith just have a normal suitor who isn't jeff daniels and/or a married bird looking dude?
meanwhile..
downton wins the tug-o-war and jimmy gets paid.
daisy wins some chuck-e-cheese money.
tufton tells mrs. patmore he likes her food which is code for i like to eat food.
jimmy wanders down to a dangerous and beautiful sewer and the tug-o-war thugs (tug-o-thugs) grab him and start to beat his ass when thomas appears and rescues jimmy.
he tells jimmy to run and proceeds to get his face smashed in.
meanwhile...dr. clarkson drinks TWO cups of punch and almost asks isobel to marry him i think.
then this:
back at donegal (screeeech)-
the gillys ball is getting fucking cuh-raaa-zeeee!!!
rose comes down in her sluttiest dress.
o'brien 2 is trying to poison o'brien 1 with whiskey.
she gives it to molesly instead because...well..because it's molesley.
shrimpy is telling lord g that donegal (screeeech) has to go.
anna dances, bates gets a boner.
and molesly is on fire!
edith tells michael that having a boyfriend who is married is better than no boyfriend at all.
mary reels and almost faints of pregnancy.
she decides that she should go home early.
she tells matthew to stay.
which will come back to haunt her, i'm sure.
mary gets off the train and feels something like a baby coming out.
she tells anna to let everyone know that maybe her baby is coming out.
lord grantham has a heart to heart with cora about how bizarro downton has shown him all the blessings in his life..in particular..matthew's vision for downton but also how his wife is not mrs. shrimpy.
jimmy tells thomas he can't give him what he wants.
thomas says he'll settle for just friends,
which is a lie but whatever.
in time i feel jimmy will come around and come out.
and for the record i would not hate to see some thomas on jimmy action.
carson delivers the news that mary and baby are ok!
matthew, "the hot and dusty traveller", arrives.
they coo at each other over how much they love each other and blah blah don't you have a car to drive somewhere?
we see matthew driving down the road with some melodramatic music playing..he's looking up..he's looking down...he's looking at some sheaves of wheat over there and then we see a truck coming in the opposite direction...
and then we see this..
all the while the dowager, lord grantham and cora are talking about how great everything is but that sometimes in life we don't get our just desserts.
i think what that means is...
even rich people have to eat some shit sandwiches from time to time.
but maybe what it means is this..
the happier you are the more likely it is that you will lose someone you love?
which is why a lot of people are hesitant to be too happy...bc they're afraid if they get too happy then bad things will happen to even out the playing field.
right?
i have to admit i feel that way sometimes..
you know...when all in your life seems so awesome that surely a bit of bad news is headed your way, which completely ruins your current happiness.
don't you feel like that?
anyone?
anyway..
that's it folks.
i'd love to know how you feel about matthew's death.
i mean, his death was impossible to avoid.
he had to go and writing that mary and matthew fell out of love or something wouldn't have worked.
although i would have preferred kidnapped by aliens maybe.
i have a bit of exciting news to share...
we are going to england for 2 weeks in july.
i plan on taking a train to highclere castle so that i can photobomb all of the filming going on.
it's not going to be pretty but it IS going to be awesome.
and finally...
many thanks to tori for alerting me to this awesomeness:
here's a quick update so you don't think i am dead..
1. fiona was sick. very sick for the last 5 days.
and when she wasn't tearing me a new asshole for touching her forehead, she was on my computer aka mission control for all things BLOG, the entire time watching back to back to back to back episodes of my little pony.
2. i had 4 auditions.
3. i have paintings and bathrooms to design for actual living people.
plus, i want this recap to be special since it's the last for a while.
so please bear with me and do enjoy the new for spring MFAMB look.
