here is the lineup..
frankenberry
"i play the violin and i have berries for fingernails, nobody better mess with me"
toast
"toast is NEVER inauthentic"
bert michaels
"i have a taste for luxury (and vaginas) and luxury has a taste for me"
the honey badger
"i just take what i want"
magda from sex and the city
magda from there's something about mary
"there's more than one magda in this town. see above"
daula dabdul
"i look like paula abdul and my name is daula dabdul"
coming soon i think.
i cannot be responsible for the outcome of this post.
last time i checked it was 104 degrees inside my air conditioned house.
the nutella is on lock down (just kidding it's gone).
my underarms smell like onions.
and i don't know how much longer my kid is going to be ok with doing puzzles on the floor.
we gots'to make this quick..
this week the turds are on the jersey shore..
the jersey shore
standing in front of a B&B owned by someone named mr. and mrs. semen
the semens need a little redecorating and decide to enlist the turds to decorate since it's pretty much going to be for free. smart thinking semens! maybe.
the semens
cathy and kevin are a team...OR ARE THEY???
once again chompers doesn't want to do any of the work, just wants to shop for all the furniture and wants to eat some apples alone in her design paddock.
meanwhile kevin stays back and ruins a perfectly good floor..
kevin, to my mind taking on something like white washing a floor when you've never ever done it is sort of putting the cart before the horse...right?
"neeeigh!"
that means yes!
meanwhile karl, meg and mark can't agree on anything..
"i already played my mosaic card...what now what now!!? life is so hard sometimes"
just when you think for sure these 3 are gonna lose..
they find a store with some cute shit in it and a design is born..
look closely...inspiration is happening.
leslie hangs some doormats..
brett gets a cute chair..
kevin passive agressively tells cathy to fuck off..
cathy don't give a shit.
meg buys some ugly fabric..
karl makes some stupid dumb mural moulding of the seashore..
seashore mural of dumbness
cathy hates life and kevin..
mark is making a rope ladder..
"if i close my eyes and think of the sea shore i see ropes"
"when i close MY eyes i see kevin hanging from that rope....and emmy's....and hay"
bret is losing..
no really. he loses.
day 3.
the day of the bromstad.
as in on camera tip day.
as in i don't care day.
as in this is the worst part of this show.
as in i feel like this shit should be done in private.
as in it's like watching your grandma get a pap smear.
day 3.5
judgement day.
vern and genevieve show up.
tanannkiaa introduces the guest judge..
kathy ireland..
since you all know my side job is designing frangrances for celebrities, i feel like now would be a great time to introduce kathy ireland's new frangrance..
it's called: swim meat
scent: chlorine, mission oak, 20% cotton- 87% polyester, arts and crafts, steam, chicken strips, old lipstick, and daisies.
back to the judging..
kathy loves everything.
genevieve loves leslie's rugs.
vern loves sweaters.
collectively they all loved karl, mark and meg's room:
it was my favorite too.
and by favorite i mean the one that didn't make me want to blow shit up.
in its defense..
it was fun.
in its offensiveness..
it was still gimmicky.
in last place was bret and his headboard..
whatever..
6 of one, a half dozen of the other.
6 vern sweaters is still the same as a half dozen candace leather cubes..
6 bromstad art installations, one half dozen antonio treatments.
turd love,
i am obsessed with the jersey housewives this year.
maybe it's bc they are filming during the holidays.
maybe it's bc i am obsessed with anyone who spends 50,000 dollars on a birthday party for jesus.
lowlights...
caroline and her dumb radio show.
ashley and her bad attitude.
melissa and teresa and their dumb feud.
joe guidice humping teresa in the country bed.
thatmotherfuckingchristening!
highlights...
anytime melissa says "jesus's birthday".
anytime joe gorga shows me his slightly inbred puppydog eyes.
the guidice's "country house".
lots of delicious fucking delicious food.
kathy and rich's kids using their allowance to buy their mother a laptop.
albie smiling at me.
i could go on...
it's the jersey husbands/sons who are getting the hi5's from me this year..
excpet for this one..
it's this fucking gorilla that is keeping the gorga's apart..
he is planting ideas in tre's feeble little brain.
animal.
otherwise..
top husband honors go to..
bitch please..
strong. slient. puts up with that douchebag ashley.
i want to mainline your face.
share your thoughts.
but only if you watch this shit.
don't bore me with your "i hate these reality shows, i have more important things to do with my time..like walking my dog and winning emmy's and farting gold"...
NOW!
just kidding! fuck you it's monday!
actually if i'm being honest (and i always am) i did get sort of published in a magazine.
it's this magazine:
you can read it all here.
it's a cute magazine.
very bloggercentric..
lot's of people you know and read...
in fact you are probably in it too.
it's full of cute rooms, cute tips, cute recipes and even cute money tips for money idiots like me.
overall there is a lot of good shit in this magazine...really.
i am seriously going to read at least 3 articles in it and i cannot say that about ANY OTHER ONLINE MAGAZINE!
in fact this will be the first time i take my laptop on the pooper.
anyway..
my little desk area is on page 56 and it's part of the example on how to combine contrasting elements..
like a chrome and leathuh chair with a frenchy desk.
tips!
go read it and improve your monday.
see you on the pooper!
stop being so awesome, MINT!
images via massimo vitali, lonny, 1stdibs, sketch 42, mary mcdonald, KW, rue, vogue, you mom, your face and your butt.
day 1-
new jersey cul de sac.
the challenge:
decorate some poor bastard's house.
there are 2 houses and therefore 2 poor bastards.
5 turds to 1 house.
poor bastard 1:
"i want something that doesn't suck bawls"
poor bastard #2:
"i want something that my kids can play in but looks like an adult space and doesn't suck bawls"
too bad bastards!!
EVERYTHING SUCKS BALLS!
cathy does the horses share of the shopping for her and brett and karl's room.
she buys a travertine topped table and some other ugly shit.
"travertine=global perspective".
chomp chomp chomp
karl is all..i wanna shop too..
karl and brett are over that bitch cathy..
"i'm so over that bitch cathy"
and cathy's all...
"whatchoo talkin bout karl? emmy emmy emmy..neigh.."
day 75
karl gets his way..
"don't worry bout it i'm just gonna smash em up and make the ugliest shit you ever saw"
mark and doug are fightin over paint and life..
fake smiles in a sea of vomit.
mark is all...
"i have a deep connection with nature and raw materials"
speaking of raw vaginas..
grab the (my) vagina, mark...grab the vagina..
and then kevin was all...
"just put me in the basement where i belong"
and then meg was all..
"my style is vintage palm beach"
and i was all excited thinking..
oooooo like this?
and this???
and she was all..
no like this..
and i was all..
and then leslie was all...
"i'm a lesbian"
and i was all..
don't you mean a les-LI-bian?
and then she mistook paint for putty, spilling it all over the new carpet
and fiona was all...
and then bromstad showed up and i wanted to peel my face off my skull bones..
actually he seems super nice..
and then the novogratzs showed up...
and that shit got serious.
you should know that no footage exists of the novogratzs actually liking anything they saw.
here is why...
(brace yourselves)
it's seriously the WORST PART ABOUT THAT KITCHEN!!!
just because you can do mosaic doesn't mean you should do mosiac.
why is everything the color of cat puke and vagina?
totally.
would you like some tea with your throw up?
worst rug in the universe.
angled rugs + pillows on the floor = poop.
murder.
sarah richardson is somewhere touching herself.
the best by a mile.
it's insipid but it doesn't offend me.
oddly enough tweedleturd won with this:
murder corner.
and doug lost with his vagina wall.
someone wake me up when it's down to mark and karl.
