plaid- fall's juggernaut pattern.

Gabriela Eisenhart October 15, 2013

i love plaid.

and every fall people swoon over all things plaid while choking on all things pumpkin spice.

for the record i have had nothing pumpkin in my mouth yet but i have 17 pumpkins on my porch. SEVENTEEN!

i also have nothing plaid in my house or in my closet.

how un-fall like and un-blogger like of me.

so here are my favorite plaid picks for fall..

rejoice!

1. these blue pillows are pricey but you could easily make them with a plaid blanket or a vintage or thrifted flannel shirt!

2. love this sweet, high wasited, pleated skirt. i would pair it with a fuzzy, cropped sweater and these bright blue booties. come to think of it i would pair everything with those bright blue booties.

3. i LOVE plaid napkins for a holiday table. traditional and yet still not obviously screaming HOLIDAY!!!.

i'd pair these napkins with some chunky black ceramic plates like these from heath ceramics and some gold flatware and jewel toned glasses .

4. plain and simple...i want this coat super bad.

it reminds me of a coat i had as a kid.

and i loved it.

it's also really affordable.

a great transitional coat.

5. ok, i can't remember where this blanket is from.

but here's another one that's similar if not better.

anyway..plaid blankets are pretty much the most predictable plaid item you can have.

but if you put it at the foot of a girly bed you have the reason why all bloggers love plaid blankets..

bow down.

6. more plaid pillows. i'd treat them the same way rita treats plaid blankets.

with...

a fiona duvet and a grace sham.

7. perhaps the easiest plaid to pull off on your person..

the plaid shirt.

careful, you don't wanna go lumberjack lesbian.

or maybe you do..

that's your call and one that i respect and admire.

some ladies are dead sexy lumberjack lesbians.

i'd pair mine with a leather leopard skirt.

8. this jacket is much cuter in person.

i like it a lot.

9. these earthenware plates and bowls are very affordable and very cute.

i'd use these and glam up the rest of the table with some crystal shit and be like..look how i juxtapose EVERYTHING!!!

this post brought to you by plaid.

and 3 cups of coffee.

mini makeover

Gabriela Eisenhart October 14, 2013

it's like i can't have enough things to do.

my house is a work in progress at all times.

i think i prefer it that way, maybe?

while i am doing my level best to get the living room to a state of sexy ass completion i still map out other rooms and how i need to change/improve them. (you do to liar)

i have long since needed to do something about the honey oak with a side of high sheen cabinet in the master bath,

and when i saw that kelly wearstler/cameron diaz peach/yellow/white/brass dream of a living room in elle decor, i thought-

that's a good combo of colors.

i have a lot of peachy pink (i lie, it's peach beige) tiles in the bathroom.

hmmmm...

and a bath mini makeover was born..

the walls are already painted pink sea salt.

the statement sputnik is already hanging.

and the yellowcake is on order.

that yellow is strong, i know.

and i might be crazy and i might hate it hard.

but i have a musical heartsong boner for it in my mind.

and i am on the lookout for a heavy ceramic dish i can stripe up with paint.

sorry kelly, i can't pay $400 for a bowl.

but i love the hell out of it.

i do vow to complete the living room before i take on the bath.

maybe.

brass sconce // sputnik // pink paint // mirror // candle // black and white bowl // yellow paint // knobs // waste bin // rug

AHS- bitchcraft (rolls eyes, stabs self in face with minotaur horn)

Gabriela Eisenhart October 11, 2013

guys my breakfast was scarier than this show so if you have been afraid to watch american horror story in the

past, now's your chance.

i like my american horror story with a side of shit in my pants.

this episode did not deliver even a fart.

the intro was scarier than anything i saw within the episode..

so to that end- FUCK THIS SEASON!

ok wait..

this show isn't dead to me yet.

here's my "review" if you like quick reviews or one liners..

"american horror story: coven? more like american boring story: not scary"

i would love love LOVE this show if it was just a regular show about witches on the CW.

but a recap was promised so a recap you shall read.

bon soir mah pets!

it's 1835 new orleans and kathy bates aka delphine lalaurie is smearing the blood of a thousand periods onto her face.

because she wants to look young and fresh for her cheating husband.

try some face yoga.

mid smear she is interrupted by her husband saying that some shit is going on downstairs.

a word of advice to all men everywhere..

never interrupt a lady mid-facial.

delphine goes stomping downstairs and starts beating the shit out of her daughter for attempting to make relations with a slave.

the slave, bastien, protests saying that she put the moves on him.

delphine orders bastien upstairs.

upstairs..

well, upstairs is fucking horrible.

and about the only frightening thing in this episode.

it's filled with all manner of slave torture, slaves chained to the walls, slaves in cages with thier eyes dug out and slaves with faces that look like osso buco.

so now we know where delphine gets the blood for her blood facials.

bastien is chained up, front and center as delphine orders for the pickaninny.

a cute little black boy arrives with a giant bull head like a mascot costume only this particular bull head is a totes real one, and proceeds to stick it onto bastien's head.

delphine waxes on about her greek mythology smarts and says she's so excited to finally have a minotaur.

the fuck?

meanwhile...

present day somewhere..

zoe aka violet AHS season 1 is back and she is about to give her virginity to her boyfriend..

but then surprise..

the boyfriend upon penetration starts bleeding out all of his faceholes.

poor zoe has to take a train to new orleans to a special school for girls.

she is escorted by frances conroy giving us her best vivienne westwood giving us her best grace coddington with a side of sonia rykiel realness.

outside of mrs. roblahblah's school for girls...

zoe enters only to be attacked by the entire cast of glee..

it's like montessori for witches.

there are only 4 students.

zoe (taissa farmiga)

queenie (gabourey sidibe), madison, a movie star, (emma roberts) and nan (jamie brewer)

plus..

cordelia foxx

aka sandra bullock's character in practical magic.

played by sarah paulson.

the ladies all sit down and talk about some shit..

like, there is a supreme witch who is the witch with the most powers.

and how there was a girl (lily rabe) a few towns over who had some special witchy powers like bringing dead shit back to life..

only crazy bible beaters don't understand such things so they set her on fire, salem style.

meanwhile fiona goode (jessica lange) pops into a science-y place and starts talking to david (hot science guy) about a dying moneky that prior to an injection of RM-47, a stem cell drug similar to the fountain of youth and stuff, was surely going to die.

fiona wants summa that.

btw..who else tapped into their scooby senses and decipherd the RM-47 as Ryan Murphy is 47 (years old)?

just me?

ok..g'night!

later fiona is dancing around in a nightgown, blasting inna gadda da vita, doing some coke and freaking out in the mirror because that shit ain't working.

(or as i'd like to call it...monday)

she summons the science guy and proceeds to suck the life out of him with her face.

after he shrivels into a pile of bones on the floor fiona looks into the mirror revealing a subtle glow of youth..

but only for a second..

back at hogwarts..

filch is serving up some soup while the ladies introduce their witch powers.

madison the movie star's power is telekinesis.

she can move objects with a thought.

queenie precious can stab herself with knives and make other people hurt.

basically she's a human voodoo doll.

while nan is clairvoyant.

meanwhile down in herbology..

cordelia is brewing up some shampoos and soaps for her botanical store, verbena™.

fiona walks in and we discover that she is cordelia's mother and that she thinks cordelia is doing a shitty job as headmistress.

she tells her that there's a storm a brewin and that unless she prepares these girls for voldemort and his death eaters they will surely die out.

cordelia tells fiona to leave and fiona says she's there to stay so they better make the best of it.

outside a fraternity party somewhere we see that kyle aka tate season 1 and kit season 2 (evan peters) is the king of the douches on a fraternity bus.

he is giving them a speech about how they are not to drink too much or puke too much or piss too much etc..

he forgot rape too much because clearly if you don't tell frat boys exactly what to do they will walk away only smart enough to not do the things you mention that they shouldn't do.

inside the party the movie star and her homely new friend emerge through a cloud of axe body spray.

everyone wants to get teh movie star a drink.

except for kyle..

he only has eyes for zoe.

after eye fucking each other through a wall of ice...

they talk like normal kids.

while upstairs madison is getting roofied and date raped by all those frat boys ("hey it wasn't on the list!")..

all rapes and roofie administration led by this guy...

after being rescued by kyle (the nice frat boy) all the boys run to the bus to flee.

kyle follows while zoe makes sure her friend is ok.

kyle gets his face punched by one of the frat boys and falls onto the bus.

zoe runs after the bus with madison following shortly after.

madison proceeds to telekinesis that bus right over..

the next morning...

the news tells us that all but 2 on the bus died.

fiona walks in and no one knows who she is...

madison calls her a hag and that gets her ass throw against the wall..

fiona decides to take headmistressing into her own hands and takes the girls on a field trip dressed in their funeral best..

pilgrim nan takes a detour triggered by her clairvoyance onto a guided tour in an old, historic home..

the tour is of none other than delphine lalaurie's home (kathy bates)..

we learn that delphine would run out of blood and tell her daughters to go down and get some more,

which meant taking a scythe to a slave..

and removing a penis pancreas for one of her signature pancreas cocktails.

and then we see angela basset sashaying down the street looking like a damn supermodel (seriously she looks amazing!) and knocking on the door of delphine lalaurie..

she is playing marie laveau and if you've been to new orleans or know anything about new orleans you know that marie laveau was a real life person. and i bought incense from her store back in the 90's.

marie proceeds to tell delphine that she has what she needs.

and hands her a little vial that she says is love potion so that her husband will never stray again..

delphine drinks the potion and declares it tastes like honeysuckle..

the potion is actually poison of some sort and delphine appears to be dead.

we discover that marie laveau's boyfriend is the sexy minotaur in the attic.

outside the tour fiona spots pilgrim nan out in the courtyard staring at the cobblestones..

ruh roh.

fiona asks P.N. what she hears?

she says "the lady of the house".

over in the hospital..

zoe is paying a visit presumably to find out if her new boyfriend was one one of the 2 alive frat boys..

sadly, he is not.

and in an ironic twist of irony..

the date raper himself is one of the alive ones.

she decides to put her magic power to use..

she inserts his defenseless peen into her magical vagina.

which of course makes his faceholes bleed out.

over at the exhuming party..

fiona tells 2 dudes that she'd say thank you but they won't remember a thing.

after they exhume the coffin fiona takes her handy chain cutter and releases delphine lalaurie in a perfect

state of aliveness.

at which point fiona says, "come on mary todd lincoln, i'll buy you a drink" ...

ok i totally would have said that too.

and they walk away.

the end.

thoughts?

i am reserving the "this season sucks" judgement until the 3rd episode.

i figure if i haven't diarrhead by that point it ain't gonna happen.

there are things i do like about it though and those things are witches.

maybe i will just deal with this CW-esque installment of AHS.

did anything scare you?

i mean the racist slave shit is awful and certainly not fun to watch but it's not particularly scary or even creepy.

disturbing, yes..but there wasn't enough of it to make me feel like i'd been beat up.

ok, go.

(not sure why the last half of this post is all scrunched together)

look everyone it's claire danes!

Gabriela Eisenhart October 10, 2013

yeah, that's not claire danes that's me giving you my best carrie mathison on a plane with a floaty nose hair boog.

i'm not ashamed.

i am that person that will show you a booger in her nose.

because i do not generally give one inch of a fuck about such matters.

so maybe one of you is wondering how i got on a plane all by myself and flew across the country without it being televised as "georgia woman gets on plane and has a monumental panic attack in the sky, kills everyone and then herself."

well, i did not.

oh i was terrified but i am not a quitter.

ok well that one time i was a total quitter.

i was very ashamed of myself for that.

and i cried a lot and was in a very low spot for a very long time.

mainly because fiona saw me be a quitter.

she saw me give in to my fears and i am not that mom, let alone that person.

so this time i had a lot to prove.

mostly to myself but i could not let fiona see that happen again.

so i pulled up my big girl panties and i got on that plane and i was SICK nervous and sad and i cried quietly into my scarf but i just tried to keep the bigger picture in perspective..

i was going to see my best girlfriends and that was way more important than being scared of being confined in a giant tube with wings with no means of escape for 4 hours.

and there were several moments when i thought of running down the aisle screaming (like last time) i gotta go i gotta go!!!!!

and i remembered this woman.

and it all made sense.

that woman had it right.

and there were times i considered going tribal like her and just succumbing to complete gibberish and devil's tongue.

watch it.

if you are at all a panicky flyer this might resonate with you.

i choose to believe that she just needed to go deep to make it through the landing.

perhaps the scariest part for her.

granted, she is probably mostly on drugs and super fucking nuts, but perhaps...she just needed a safe place to go and for her that was crazy town.

but i didn't.

i remained cool.

on the outside anyway.

and i did it without drugs or alcohol.

i did it with..

domino!!!

i read that fucker cover to cover 4 times.

i just got immersed and zoned the fuck out.

seriously.

my copy looks like it's been through a tsunami.

but it saved me from gibberish and giving in to my fear.

and that is a big deal.

i won.

except for the booger.

on the flight home i was so chill and relaxed and...happy.

and i realized that maybe this fear of closed spaces and confinement and stuff really just stems from being a parent.

for me anyway.

because on the flight over i blamed the plane and being confined.

but i really think it was because i was leaving my family.

which is harder for me than i guess i realize until they shut those doors and i am "trapped".

the flight to england in july was just plain easy.

why?

because fiona and mike were with me.

no reason to panic when my loves are all together.

i don't have it all figured out and i am sure there are more issues at play than just "i'll be away from my family",

but i'd like to think i won this particular match.

and it's funny how things work out..

because on the flight over i was seated between 2 sweet young ladies.

they were so accepting of my magazine-gripping, nervous-talking, germ-fighter-spraying brand of crazy.

and on the flight home i was seated next to someone's meemaw with tonsil stone breath that almost killed me.

i seriously thought she pooped in her pants until it hit me that the smell was coming from her mouth.

airplane-0

jenny-1

AHS recap friday or saturday.

boogers.

LA part 2

Gabriela Eisenhart October 9, 2013

yesterday i hung out with my girl molly.

we posed.

i also did a podcast.

which is cool because i've never done one of those before.

anna does a podcast regularly with vinnie tortorich aka the angriest trainer.

in a nutshell...

vinnie is angry because for years he felt like the fitness world was full of lies and set out to find the right way to lose weight and be healthy.

and in his educated opinion that way is NSNG or.."no sugar no grains".

he is full of logic and smarts and we talk about shit just like this in the podcast.

there are 2 shows i participate in..

the first one is here.

the second is here.

you can subscribe to the podcast here.

vinnie gave me a copy of his book and i am excited to read it.

i will share my thoughts here of course.

and if you are insterested in the book and want to read it with me you can get that here.

and if you want to see a cute baby trying not to fall asleep go here.

speaking of here-

i'm out of here (LA) in about 3 hours and heading back to ATL.

some of you might be wondering about a little something i like to call american shit-my-pants aka american horror story.

well, it airs tonight at 10 EST on FX and yes, i will be watching and shit yes i will be recapping.

will you be watching?

this season looks like it might be a little lighter in subject matter.

witches!!

my favorite.

big gulps.

see ya later.

updates from LA

Gabriela Eisenhart October 8, 2013

hello my farters.

here's what's up.

anna and me.

anna's dog izzy and me.

there is a sick amount of love between the two of us.

and dogs can suck it mostly.

anna and i did a training session with anna's trainer torri anders.

she's awesome and if you live in LA i recommend you employ her.

she does cool things with your body that don't really hurt while you're doing them but i woke up this morning with pains in places i didn't know i could have pains.

and she just generally gives out good vibes.

after said workout anna and i got massages..