downton recap: scaaarrrry bates

let's go ahead and start off with the reason for the season…or at least the reason we hate love this season. 

anna and bates.  well, at least they resolved the secret of the rape before the melodrama reached a fever-pitch.   but now it looks like bates might have a spin-off show:  murder,  he hobbled. 

mrs. hughes caved under the pressure of being responsible for bates leaving anna and downton forever.  personally mrs. hughes, i would have called his bluff.  like he has anywhere else to go.  except to maybe murder everyone.  but at this point i am certain mrs. hughes would rather eat her own farts than have "one more pear-son speak to me aboot their problems".  (that was me doing mrs. hughes for you) 

but i'm not sure why or how anna and mrs. hughes agreed to blame the rape on a random intruder.  this makes absolutely negative sense.  wouldn't the whole house be on alert if there were an intruder?!   either way..bates aims to find out who it was and i think because there was an extra jowl shake in his proclamation…we better believe him.  whew…good thing he's never murdered anyone before.  wait..he didn't, right?  

and in other news downstairs there's a new ladies maid… baxter.  where in the hell did she come from?!  she vaporized between episodes.  with a sewing machine and orange juice.   also she has apparently struck some sort of deal with thomas.  

weird to anyone else that every. single. ladies maid to cora must have some sort of relationship with thomas?

speaking of thomas…i would like a lot more of him and a lot less of everything else. 

it would be cool if the "more of him" was shirtless. 

alfred is trying out for top chef.  daisy is sad because she doesn't want to see him go, but is still helping him get there which, as mrs. patmore points out, is a mark of true love.  she right.   but much like mrs. baxter, daisy's obvious love for alfred seems to have materialized right before our eyes.  wasn't she just moody daisy last week?  her period must be over. 

mrs. patmore still doesn't like things from the future, but when mrs. baxter's magic sewing machine repairs her apron better than new, she lo-5's carson's nuts. 

some yorkshire hillbilly has died and lord grantham, in the first smart thing he's done since never, has decided to let the son-of-a-hillbilly stay on the land and he DOESN'T tell mary or tom,  who decided to kick him out and farm the land themselves.   rude. 

speaking of mary…i found a copy of her dress order: 

hi.  i need some dresses in these colours: 

lavender, orchid, lilac, plum, bruise, wine, amethyst and mauve. 

make them shapeless too. 

thanks.  LMC. 

lord gillingham has gone and gotten engaged to the honorable mable lane fox. who is clearly 97.  you snooze you lose lady purple dress. 

edith has a doctor appointment in london.  oopsie. looks like we know who's going to be pregnant.  sadly edith can't seem to locate her baby daddy.  i think he's probably preoccupied with hitler.  can we please not let edith be pregnant?  because UGH!  pregnant single lady is so boring.  can't it be gonorrhea?  or type II diabetes? 

i think it was kewl of julian fellowes to bring back the dowager/isobel bickering.  because maggie smith is funny or whatever. 

the children aren't dead.  that's good. 

tom wants to move to america.  he better not.  i still have high hopes for tom and mary grinding one out on the moors.  she would get pregnant again and name the baby matthew.  full circle. 

i know what you're thinking..."but what if it's a girl?"   lady matthew, duh. 

did i get everything?

spill it. 

AHS recap- the scooby doobies vs. the yogi yahooeys

i'm not sure what happened to this show these last few episodes but it feels like a whole lotta diarrhea coming out of everyone's faces. 

either that or it's another installment of the scooby doo laff a lympics.    

so there's one more episode left and it appears that all we will gain is the knowledge of the new supreme. and at this point i don't care a fuck. 

i had this thought that made me want to run, screaming, with an axe in my hand at ryan murphy's pinched little face, that thought was that all 5 of these bitches are going to be equal supremes.  and that i cannot have. 

the best part about this episode was the opening scene. 

i thought it was clever and inventive and super fucking weird.  it was the only thing that made sense. 

at least we understand what the 7 wonders are.   i think?  it was in latin and looked like a hispter music video but i still think i got the gist of what was going on.  

i'm going to see if i can't  (can?)  try and understand what the rest of the episode was trying to tell me….

first of all..CORDELIA'SEYESHOLYMOTHEROFASS!!!!   they look like freshly peeled clementines.  what a dumb fuck.  who gouges out there own eyes just so they can see the truth?!   but hey, looks like it worked.  job well done dumbass.  i'm finally starting to see fiona's frustration with this one.   at any rate…this regained "sight" is just the plot point we all needed to find out that fiona planned on killing everyone and leaving town for her last 2 weeks on earth.   

speaking of fiona..she's dead. hahaha!! nice try writers. here's to hoping she comes back half alligator half witch.  with this season's writing i wouldn't be surprised if she comes back as sharknado. 

papa smizurf comes back again as all 3 ghosts from a christmas carol.  am i getting that right?   

delphine.  ummmm….huh?  let me see if i have this correct:   delphine is sporting a "lady from maine" haircut, and working as tour guide in her old house.  no..wait.  no she's chopping marie leveau up into pieces.  no…wait.  no.  she's on a tour in her old house wearing a thelma-and-louise-style getaway disguise.   no… wait…she's in the attic again with her family.  BUT HOLD ON!!!!   MARIE'S THERE AND SHE'S NOT HACKED INTO PIECES ANYMORE!!  WHAT IS HAPPENING?!?!?!?! 

so in an effort to help us understand all of this queenie does some 2, 2, 2 bodies in one- sesame street shit and is transported back to the chicken shack.   papa smizurf is there to tell queenie that she's dead. but then she snaps to and says no, i'm too strong for this now lets have some cocoa with mini marshmallows and talk about what you can do for me. 

and that would be the power to kill delphine?!

i have the least amount of points in this game of understanding. 

can someone please roll more of that chicks in bonnets footage?

at this point i am fully expecting cordelia's orange peel eyes to pop out and be magic 8 balls.   

cordelia visits the axeman to warn him of her vision of fiona.  seriously?  FUCK THE AXEMAN!  he's an axeman!  who gives a shit about his feelings!?

but of course it's important that he know because chop chop! 

here's what i wanna know…fiona can throw up a hand and choke out queenie with her mind but when her boyfriend is choking her out she can't stop that shit with a nose twitch?  i mean samantha stevens could have done it in her damn sleep.  tabitha could have mastered it in utero.  but nooooooo, fiona is helpless in his arms.  *cough *cough bullshit. 

well, at least i can count on none of these women actually being dead.  not fiona, not delphine, not marie, not nan..no one.  in fact i am fully expecting some next level  monster shit and i will have it no other way.   i want fiona to come back with an alligator head, i want nan to come back as the creature from the black lagoon, i want marie to come back as jackee from 227,  and i want delphine to come back as a dolphin with black babies for arms mainly because autocorrect keeps changing 'delphine' to 'dolphin' and 'black babies for arms'  is just straight up awesome. 

perhaps my other favorite scene of the night was misty beating the shit out of madison.  pure awesome.  

a few minutes later the axeman arrives with fiona's blood all over him.  madison chops him with his own axe. and the rest of the girls conjure knives and stab him a gajillion times.   so is he officially dead?  how the fuck should i know?!  nothing is consistent in AHS-land.  and nothing makes a whole lot of sense. 

so, next week we find out who the supreme is.  here's to hoping it's kyle. 

or nene.

thoughts?  if you have any.  which you probably don't.  

well would'ya look at that...it's thursday.

i always feel terribly guilty when i don't deliver recaps on time, or at all.

i would love nothing more than to watch (insert show) and then go right to work recapping.

and i suspect the majority of the recappers out there do just that, bc they are young, stay up late, don't have kids and get paid to write said recaps. 

the truth is that a few years ago when i started recapping shows i didn't have a job, other than being the most awesome mom on the planet and occasional acting jobs and e-design jobs...so mostly all my shit was part time.

now, i work full time while fiona is at school and then i am mom full time when she gets home. 

LIKE THE REST OF THE AMERICAS AND THE IRAQ. 

all this to say that giving good recap is really, really challenging.

there just isn't enough time in the day! 

this week and last have been especially hard bc of the commercial and a few teacher work days in there.

plus, yesterday fiona was home sick and on friday she is home again for another teacher work day. 

so, i am not sure how a typical MFAMB recap can happen this week. 

so i will offer up this not really a recap, recap..

downton. 

this week was kinda lame. 

talk about shoving a lot of resolve into one episode. 

see ya later edna.  i mean, why even bother with this character?

will she come back pregnant after all?

a marriage proposal?!  really?

is that what men did back in the day to get into your purple dress?

offer marriage and tell you that you "fill their brain"?

will edith be pregnant?

will anna be pregnant?

pretty sure ONE of them will turn up in the family way. 

is that really that singer guy's singing voice? 

because it's about the unsexiest thing in the universe. 

and finally...bc i'm pretty sure that's all there is to report...

the whole anna bates thing is RUH-EALLY frustrating to me. 

it seems like the worst idea ever and while i can see the point of her not wanting to tell him based on fear it just seems like we could do better here. 

the writing feels predictable and overly melodramatic, if a bit misogynistic. 

why not delve into the personal hell of the victim rather than what those around her are going to think?

why not show bates's sensitivity and how he supports his wife and helps her get through it. 

bc from the tv character perspective, god knows he needs that level of profundity. 

because all he is now is a saggy jowled sad sack.  not sexy. 

but instead it seems we have to watch her making stupid decision after stupid decision.

which, as a viewer is extraordinarily frustrating.

thoughts?

ideas?

predictions?

monday things

happy MLK day!

been thinkin bout some stuff.

#1.

american horror story.  wow.  what a shit fest of stupidity.  

#2.  

the malm bed.

 199.00 for a king.  good lines.  

#3. 

this:

her speech and ty burrell's were legendary.  matthew mcconaughey's was clearly mushroom fueled.

downton recap sometime this week?

downton abbey- rapecap

hey friends. 

what a week i have had.  yesterday was  a 15 hour day for me on set.  wonderful and exhausting.  and today fiona is home from school for a teacher workday.  there are probably about 20 more pictures i could screen cap and upload, and impersonations were a little impossible to do this week, but i am just ready for this to be done,  so, please forgive the sort of, unfinished nature of this recap.  

a hard episode to watch toward the end, for sure.  but so much of it prior to that was fucking hilarious.  mike and i thought this episode should have been called "downton molesley: molesley's on fire!"  

everyone in england appears to be arriving at downtown and there is excitement and mild panic (patmore and carson).

cora's looking like a cuter version of her usual annoying and possibly high on gasoline fumes self.

johnny gillingham's son is here and he's a glamorous pirate. or a nerd.

edith has brought her mr. gregson and he feels about as comfortable as tom.

speaking of tom look at how uncomfortable he is.  he also says it about 40 billion times. 

carson isn't amused with any of it.  he's still thinking about times before the war.  when servants was servants, and men were glamorous pirates. 

johnny gillingham isn't as bad as i thought he would be based on his face. his voice is soothing and sexy and there is a mystery about him that makes him intriguing. 

LIKE A GLAMOROUS PIRATE!!!!

mrs. patmore is fuh-reaking out about syllabubs and scones.

settle down and  make a list patmore!

lord gillingham's valet, mr. green wants to play cards.  specifically with anna.

edna "crazy eyes" braithwaite seems to be the only person to "understand" tom. 

cousin isobel is breaking all of our hearts.  she doesn't want to go to the abbey to feel joy because it would make her feel guilty.   i TOTALLY get that. don't you?  mom's everywhere's hearts are crumbling and if penelope wilton doesn't at least get nominated for an emmy and a globe and a sag and ALL OF LIFE i am going to bite my PILLOW! 

tom continues to to say inappropriate things. 

someone named sampson is cheating  at poker. 

sexy pirate asks mary to go riding. she wants to ride.  and hard.  saying she hasn't ridden in ages and that she'll be stiff as a board in the morning.  i think you know where i'm going with this...

anyway..she asks the whole room to chaperone.  but apparently, riding is the worst thing you had to go and do in the 1920's on a giant estate with TONS of land. 

carson can't possibly eat with an australian singer.  and so convinces and ever dumber lord grantham.

daisy shames molesley for being a delivery boy. 

edith keeps trying to get lord g to hang with her boyfriend, who continues to blow him off. 

edith assures him that her father isn't so calculated.  yeah, it's called being a doofus. 

horseride with mary and pirate.  dear god this was my favorite thing to look at.  

meanwhile, downstairs..

anna is making some potpourri out of sticks.  

bates has a goat and that guy, mr. green, gets it. 

nelly melba is such an expensive gift.  but "a house party can be so flat if there isn't a special moment". 

at my house that moment is usually just cake. 

jimmy "clever clogs" has a seizure trying to open up a jar. 

lord grantham has quite the wine collection. yum yum. 

lord gillingham gives mary sound advice on selling land vs. letting land.  pretty sure at this point it's no mystery that lord gillingham and mary are down with each other. 

alfred brings down the sorting hat. 

that rose will do anything to dance.

tom is forced to dance with the duchess. 

mary is forced to dance with the pirate. 

but then has to leave abruptly bc stupid rose had to bring down matthew's old (sorting hat) gramophone. 

rapey mcgamer get's his explosive and dangerous card game going.  seriously, what was that game?  

gregson is on to sampson and his card shark ways,  and takes him down to chinatown. 

cora orders robert to sit down with nellie melba the singer and to like it. 

patmore invents the panic attack, apparently. 

carson doesn't seem to care. 

edith looks lovely in her party dress. 

nellie loves her some claret. lord grantham suddenly finds her easy to talk to.  

lord gillingham asks mary to have dinner in london sometime.  mary laughs for the first time since matthew died. 

and then...

this happened and our hearts grew 3 sizes that day.

lord g finds tom in the library with a drink. 

tom explains that he doesn't belong at downtown but LG doesn't have a second for such crazy talk.

dame nellie is singing the opera when gregson and the other guys sneak off for poker. 

alfred continues to remind us that he was born to be a cook. 

anna pops down to get some BC powder. 

granny prefers puccini to bartok and she ain't afraid to tell you.

anna pours her bc powder.  mr. green comes down and offers her some liquor. and then blocks her walk and tells her she looks like she could stand to have some fun. then he disses bates (sad, old cripple) and then he beats the ever loving shit out of her face. thankfully they don't actually SHOW the rape because THAT would have been gratuitous for sure. 

all while dame nellie is opera-ing her voice.  which drowns out anna's scream (kill me i did not see this coming)

gregson has successfully out cheated sampson.  

edna sneaks around with some whiskey for tom.  i suspect there might be something in it.  like dementor's tears. 

is anyone else as creeped out by edna as i am? 

mrs. hughes finds anna looking like me on most days.

she begs and pleads for mrs. hughes to not tell anyone what's happened. 

edna sneaks into someone's room. i'm guessing tom's. call me crazy.

anna sees bates and lies.  he tries to touch her and she moves away. 

then leaves. 

and cries. just like you. and you. and you. and you. and you. and you.  and me. 

the end. 

well, that sucked ding dongs. a lot of people are up in arms about it.  lot's of people are mad, saying it was distasteful and gratuitous. i did not find it distasteful or gratuitous. it was hard to watch, for sure, but i get why it happened. it's not real, ya know.  it's drama. a tv drama and rape happens to women all the time so it's not like it's a completely ridiculous notion that anna would be raped downstairs at downton.  julian F has stated in the past that happiness is the hardest thing to dramatize.  and bates and anna were perfectly happy, in real life that's AWESOME but for TV bad things have to happen for it to be watchable.  none of you could disagree with that.  and if you do, then i suggest you watch sesame street. 

that said, i don't fault you for being disturbed by it.  and i understand fully.  there are things i can't watch that i find too haunting to deal with when it's over.  things that stick.  this just didn't do that for me.  it was horrible for sure, but, for me...it was a welcome twist.  i was getting a little bored with of all the smiles and cutesy banter between the 2 of them.  

julian fellowes defends the scene here.  

also, interestingly enough...no one's talking about edna braithwaite taking advantage of tom while he was whiskey drunk and most likely passed out.  is that a form of rape?  i guess we'll know more about that next week.  

let's hear it!

this apartment

i know there are a lot of you waiting for your downton recap and to you i say, it's coming.  i'm not gonna lie, it's not easy to write a funny recap when the title of your recap is actually RAPEcap. 

but i am figuring it out.

the hold up is coming from a few things:

i didn't watch this episode until monday night.

and i am shooting a toilet paper (appropriate) commercial this week so i've had auditions and fittings and that's taking me away from the normal life things that get in the way of my recapping so i am doubly, triply pulled in different directions...

all that to say..

please be patient with me, it is in the works. 

in the mean time..

a reader (thank you JP) sent me the link to this apartment so i could gaze at the bathroom and all it's glorious, art deco tiles...

but honestly...the whole apartment is complete perfection. 

should you ever come across an archizoom sofa on craigslist i recommend you pick it up. 

or you could buy one here.

it'll only set you back about 30,000 dollars. 

or you could buy a car.

what a perfect piece of furniture for a sitting room.

talk about a conversation starter.

those tiles are from the 60's and i love how the furniture, lighting and art make them look totally modern.

love those paola navone paper pendants.  

no words.

modern furnishings in an antique setting is my favorite. 

the opposite is my other favorite. 

all white with a stroke of blue, a smidge of animal and a giant heap of sparkle. 

lord'a'mercy.

carry on. 

recap coming. 

sorry for the hold up.  

this apartment forever.