it's monday!! and that means cookies, assholes, kitten poop, paint and hip replacement surgery..

oh my dear mfambers..

this weekend has been interesting to say the least..

let's start with thursday when fiona sliced her skull open on a table at school.

that was super fun!

she's ok, no stitches even.  

i kept her home friday bc i didn't want her at school with a flesh wound.

i mean you can't put a dora bandaid on hair (i tried).

and don't get me started on liquid bandage...or as i like to call it, "clear nail polish".

i couldn't bring myself to apply it so close to her brain.

anyhoozles...

she's ok.

see:

but..

not to be outdone by a flesh wound

we also had a festering wound of another kind around here..

in the form of an anonymous jackhole commenter

who tried to shit all over my cookie donation and valorie's wishes to get her husband safely back to new orleans.

i honestly don't understand people sometimes..

anyway..i deleted their comments from here and disabled comments for that post.

1. because the auction is over and a great big thank you to those of you who donated.

you are angels and you make me proud to know you.

and

2. bc the anon doucher just kept coming back like fucking herpes on a whore.

SO!!

shauna cross !!!

you win one dozen cookies made with love from my awesomely soft clean hands!!!

your donation of 150 dollars was very generous and your space in heaven just got bigger and prettier.

in fact all of you who donated now have wallpaper and tufted furniture in your heaven house.

shauna please email me so we can discuss your cookie delivery!

as for you, anon dickface...

your space in hell just got bigger and you better bring lube bc satan likes butt sex.

 

 

also this weekend i began painting my bamboo headboard..

i began with a light sanding...

 

then i spray primed it.

sanded again.

and in an effort to save time i bought 2 cans of  black lacquer...

 

and this is what that shit did to me... 

now this isn't my first rodeo..

i know how to spray paint shit.

long strokes, 10-12 inches away, back and forth..blah blahbity blah..

but it ended up looking like a wearstler fabric that got burned debbie style..

anyway..i intend to sand it down and just use plain high gloss black and then put on a glossy top coat.

so much for short cuts.

 

also making this weekend more and more not awesome is harry and his 5 to 6 diarrhea poops a day.

seriously??!!

and the worst of it is he comes out of the box with poop all over his feet.

while he tries to bury it he inevitably steps in it.

FFFFFFF!!!!!

and no baby wipe can fully get that shit off so we have to stick his pitty pat paws in the sink and wash them with shampoo.

this is not fun.

for any of us.

mike gets scratched to death.

and i have to clean up poopy paw prints from where he walked out of the sand box.

5 to 6 times A DAY!!

every day.

visual aid:

we are all pretty much over it. 

 

and to round out the toll of all things not cool..

i pulled a muscle in my hip/tailbone area while trying to stop fiona from flushing down her enormous turd so that i could show it to mike.

really?

really??

while not completely immobile my movement is reduced to that of something like this:

so what have we learned today already?

1. there are beautiful people in this world willing to spend their hard earned cash to help people out that they don't really know all for a dozen cookies.

 

2. taking short cuts on painting furniture is dumb.

 

3. kittens poop a lot.  and it is always diarrhea.

 

4. never ever take off in a leap to stop someone from flushing a turd.

 

now...come back later for my first ever interview.

it's my dad!!

and i promise there will be laughs and maybe tears.

and i think everyone needs that on a monday.

 

help out and win stupid good cookies...UPDATES!!

i will be brief..

valorie "the visual vamp" hart's husband alberto had a massive heart attack last week while travelling in canada.

he needs open heart surgery but would like to be back in new orleans so that his own doctor can do it and he can then convalesce near his own support system.

he just wants to be home.

that's all he says he wants.

to be home.

fuck.

 

valorie is/was one of the first bloggers that reached out to me.

she helped me by putting my blog in front of a bigger audience.

i am forever grateful to her for that.

but beyond that she and i have become great friends.

she is feisty and funny and forever giving and kind.

i love her a great deal.

 

you can read more about what happened HERE. 

BUT BEFORE YOU GO THERE READ THIS:

laura of decor to adore is holding an auction fundraiser to help valorie and alberto get back home.

all participating bloggers are donating items to be auctioned off..

go to laura's blog to see all participating items.

 

don't have a blog?

who cares!

you can still bid and buy items 

for example:

 

i am donating my famous: fuck you little debbie i make my own oatmeal creme pies! 

1 dozen of the most awesome things you have ever put in your damn facemouth

shipped snuggly and directly to your facemouth.

they are made entirely with 100 percent organic ingredients

so you don't grow feet where your boobs should be.

now leave a comment here and say how much you want to donate and the highest bidder gets the creme pies.

now let's get this poor man home!!!!

 

Update: 

Alberto Paz is out of surgery in NEW ORLEANS! His doctor, Dr. Bhansali is brilliant! He did the stent in record time, and saved Alberto from having the dangerous open heart surgery the Canadian doctors were holding us hostage for. Thank you everyone for your donations and prayers to get us home! We hope to leave the hospital tomorrow or Wednesday! More later...xo xo


P.O.O.P. (or: Pictures Of Other Peoples)

like many bloggers i just save fart-tons of images from other blogs that i like and then i put together a lame post like this one where i just rehash said pictures telling you why i love them...it's lame.  

lamer still is i don't remember who i stole them from...

 

so here ya go!

 

big gold palm tree with tufted leather screen?

yes:

 

 

 

small and perfect and perfectly masculine.  this looks like a jerkus room, is it?:

 

 

those benches-that piping-that fireplace-those windows!:

 

 

that green couch with that black chair, the pinks, grays..all of it is so perfectly muted..

 

 

shapes:

 

 

thank you jesus (or satan?!):

 

 

french heaven:

 

 

this is so cute for your teenager. do it!:

 

 

doors and tile:

 

 

david hicks circa 1960something:

 

simple organic modern warmth good:

 

 

mmmmmmm.....black velvet and that light.....

 

 

mmmmmm.....gold velvet and that light..........

 

 

you're dead inside if you don't love this:

 

cobalt blue velvet bench=pants pooped:

well that clears out more space in my insp. files!

 

also:

today i am interviewing dad.

 i am black lacquering my bamboo headboard.

so more original content coming your way soon.

images (i think) via:

head over heels, eye spy, houzz, from the right bank, casamidy and berkus and the webz

entry + information

 moodz:

 

 

you would be happy to have this entry in your house wouldn't you?

first impression would be- "wow!  you are awesome."

 

a few updates:

1. still haven't heard from chair person.  butt hairs crossed.

2. dad interview is in the works.

3. magazine winner is beth!!

email me your street address and i will send you your mfamb scented magazine. 

4. it's cold as hell and supposed to snow in georgia. 

5. kitten poop is always diarrhea. 

 

wintry farts,